splitting up at 72?

Hi Looby, I can sympathise with your predicament of breaking up after so many years of marriage. My husband and I split after 46 years and although life seemed impossible at the time, I now realise that I am better off alone. You will find that if you visit CAB or a solicitor they will tell you that if you divorce, you will be entitled to half your husband's pension which may help you considerably when planning your future. Also, I would not rule out the suggestion that you contact Women's Aid, as they will at least be able to advise you and perhaps be a link to finding safer accommodation. I wish you well. Please keep posting as there are many GNs on here who will want to support you.

loobyloo6624 So sorry you are in this position. Start an account of your own and put money aside as you can. Go on the CAB Advice Guide www.adviceguide.org.uk/ Read up and then make an appointment with them to see an advisor. They can help you with your exit strategy.
It looks as if you may not be able to make your partner leave see:
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/common-issues-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-can-you-make-your-partner-leave/
However staying on and your health and welfare suffering is unacceptable. You may decide on a separation or divorce and this process may then determine how your aassets are shared. You may decide to put yourself down for sheltered housing near your daughter etc. You can discuss all this with the CAB adviser. Good luck

Good luck Loobyloo

Today is the first day of the rest of your life so get up and go and don't look back. You will be free from this bullying ignoramus intent on killing himself. Make a life for yourself and be happy

I would see Citizens Advice who will probably advise a solicitor straight away. If your husband has got through all the cash he might be borrowing against the house and you could both end up homeless and with nothing - which might be a blessing if you were to get housed, but there is such a shortage of social housing that you might get something really dire.
I believe that AA has a group for families, which might be helpful too.
Don't be afraid, if you can make the effort to sort yourself out now, your health and energy will probably improve, maybe your family will visit you in your own place, and your final years, which could be many, will be transformed.

Hi

What a difficult situation and some difficult decisions for you. My mother died recently aged 89, my father is alive and well aged 94. He had always been controlling and verbally abusive. I wish we had known the extent of it and asked her to live with us. Mum finally left him when she was terminally ill, and moved into a small flat in a nursing home where she died peacefully. I was there but wished so much she could have had a better final ten or twenty years of her life.

I'm sure you could get some sheltered housing because of your husbands alcoholism and abuse. I appreciate you want to stay in your own flat .... is there any way you can divide the flat up more so that you don't have to sleep in the same room?

I don't think you can depend on him dying before you, I'm afraid, I hope you can at least get some advice and support from your family and local organisations. Have you tried Age Uk? The Age UK branch our area was very helpful. ?

Loobyloo, I understand your situation exactly as it's more or less the same as mine. It's pity as well as fear that keeps me from making any moves.

What are you doing....How dare anyone have the right to shatter anyone's life..make it a misery...& then have that same person stay a lifetime with them...he has given you a life sentence...now set yourself free......you owe it to yourself..theres help out there..seek & you will find...
start your you future today...best wishes in all that you do..

Lots of wise advise from PPs, but just wanted to add a few thoughts ...

Remember that between now and his final demise your husband is likely to deteriorate massively health-wise. Think hard about whether you're willing to take on the role of his carer in years to come! It's a hard enough task to do for someone you love, but I can't imagine how one would manage it in your situation.

Similarly, between now and his death he's managing to eat up the finances - acting sooner rather than later would be better for you.

It sounds as though you have friends and family who will provide moral support if you need it, and more importantly a distraction from the difficult tasks ahead of you. Imagine the joy of welcoming them into your own home (however modest) in the future as you set out on the new chapter of your life.

I wish you well.

Isn't there a new law that offers protection against harassment, intimidation etc etc. You could perhaps have him removed!!! but need to have a good talk with the Domestic Abuse side of the Police Force. If you did move you may be entitled to benefits, especially if you are as old or nearly as old as your husband so perhaps you could discuss the situation with Welfare Benefits. There is nearly always a way out. But you have to be sure you really want to take the next step.

Have courage Loobyloo. Abuse is abuse, so leave. I got out, I realise it's nearly 20 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. I am still on my own but very happy with my life. Possessions aren't important and if you even have a small one room flat of your own, you will feel stronger and more at peace. And you will develop good friendships and probably a better relationship with your family. Good luck

I just wondered if he was ever in the services? (Because you say you moved every three years) if that the case could you contact the British legion or ssafa. They are there for wives and families as well as those who served. Good luck.

Meant to say they have rent accommodation

Dear Loobylou. I am so sorry and can only advise that you find some way, any way, to get out of the situation you are in. I wish there was something I could do to help. My marriage lasted 40 years and 25 of them were miserable. Neither I nor the youngsters would invite friends to the house unless I was alone so I understand absolutely what you mean about your family life being wrecked even though in my case alcohol and physical abuse were not a factor. After he retired I hated returning from work and once he left the sense of peace that washed over me was beautiful.
There are some good suggestions here for steps you can take and I pray that you get help.

My heart goes out to you Looblou. There is some excellent advice on this thread. Take it & spend the rest of your life in peace.It will not be easy but you deserve a life of your own & you must take steps to get it.
I will be thinking about you- do let us know what you do & how it goes.
with lovexx

A million thanks to all you lovely ladies who have bothered to offer their help and advice. I have had a lot of contact with Dash - domestic abuse stops here- and they were wonderful. Also the girl at the local police station, so once I have decided I will have support I am sure. What is stopping me? No feelings for him left at all so why am I such a wimp? what a pity we can't see into the future or perhaps it's just as well...

I'd advise not to leave your home.

You should seek proper legal advice with the aim of getting your husband to move, maybe into some sort of sheltered accommodation, after all he is an 82 year-old alcoholic.

It's intolerable to live like this in your later years - he could go on for a long time!

I'm no expert on benefits but think there is a guaranteed income which would supplement your pension.

Riverwalk has suggested what I was thinking. Why should you be the one to have the upheaval and distress of leaving the home you love. Perhaps Social Services could advise you if there are any options for getting your husband moved to accommodation appropriate to his condition. The very very best of luck and I hope you have years of contentment.

Hello Looby loo. ...I've read your posts and do hope some of the advice or suggestions have "clicked" with you.
If you have money in saving please make sure he can't touch it AT ALL.
Havr you considered moving into a rented flat with warden on site....forgotten the correct term for them now....Or a home for the elderly ?? All enquiries about these can discussed with your LA Social Services.
There nothing to be ashamed of in contacting them. As you have the support from your GP and a Police Incident reported all these may show your need for safety.
Whatever you decide I wish You Well.

I am so sorry for you Looby. I would definitely go and make a new life for yourself.After fifty two years it will be heartbreaking leaving him in such a state but you have to think about yourself too.
You could apply for council accommodation and being in the situation you are in you should be given help. Quite a lot of council accommodation for older people is quite nice. You will get help with the rent etc as you are on a low pension.
I would seek help from the CAB they will be able to advise you.

Staying in Looby s own home would be ideal Riverwalk but it doesn't sound as if the husband would go anywhere willingly and it could be very very messy and long winded getting him out if Looby goes he doesn't even have to know where she is and she can start a whole new life without any of the old getting in the way ...... I left with nothing except the kids but just remember the peace was indescribable

I had to smile at what my husband - foxie - wrote. He's said this to other people and he acted on it himself, in November 1997. Today is the start of the rest of your life. No one should have to live one day in the sort of circumstances in which you find yourself, through no fault of your own. Bricks and mortar, sticks and stones, 'things', just do not matter beside your happiness. Life is precious and it is for living.

I'm very glad you contacted a women's charity. They will give you incalculable help and support.

I'm sure some of us have been following the domestic abuse storyline in 'The Archers' recently. If not, look it up. Approx £150K has been raised for the women's charity Refuge as a result of it.

Coercive control i.e. the kind of domestic abuse that doesn't leave bruises but does result in psychological and other damage, was made illegal as recently as last year.

By the way, who cooks for him? Not you, I hope? Being his servant, if that's the case, should stop right now.

I've only just read this thread and I am so sorry for you. I too don't see why you should move but it all depends on a cracking solicitor( I think they use sh1t h0t as the description on Mumsnet ) I would also go onto Mumsnet I think they have brilliant advice on their Relate threads. Find your flat deeds and collect your pension details and his if you can. Some very useful info here for you. I wish we had a Gransnet flying squad who could come and help you move or stay.

I could be reading an exact copy of what my life was like
in the five years before my husband passed away.You say you have lived like this for the last twenty How you have managed to go on that long I cannot imagine.If he becomes abusive then you have to get help.Your first port of call would be his doctor who would get the ball rolling and get you professional help.You do not say how old you are.If you are near your husbands age life would not be easy staring out again.He appears to have retreated into his own world with the aid of alchol.You can get out and do things you enjoy which is great for you and it does not seem as if that bothers him.Accept there is nothing you can do that will change him.You did what you thought was right all those years ago.Find even more interests in your life join a club Don't reproach yourself, don't get into debt thinking life will be better the other side of the fence.I wish you luck I survived although what wouldn't I give to have back the man I loved all those years ago.Warts and all.