Meeting DS new girlfriend- or not?

And if dil1 prevents exmil from seeing her grandchildren because exmil wants to stay in touch with her son, then she's being more than unreasonable, she's being mean.
The relationship between them can't be that great if dil1 has ever even considered that option.

I had an aunt with three sons who was on friendly terms with five daughters-in-law (two of them exes) It is possible, but you have to tread very lightly.

From your clarifications, I would say not to initiate contact with new woman yourself, but to respond with a yes if he suggests it again. In the interests of openness I would also tell the DIL that this is what you are doing, but that you would like to keep good relations with her and the children, and that you care about them.

Bags is right that they are grown adults and what they do with their lives is down to them - I do also know that this does not stop us worrying about them and about the GC!

The bottom line is that we and our views are an irrelevance, unless our adult children choose otherwise by asking our views, or, as in this case, asking us to meet their partner. From the fact that he has in the past asked that you meet her, then we can assume that he wishes to involve you in his new life - that is his choice and I think you should respond positively whilst trying very hard to maintain good relationships with DIL and GC. A bit of a balancing act I know! - good luck.

Exactly. So my plain answer to the OP's question at the end of her post: "What do I do?" is back off. Keep your divided loyalty to yourself. Be civil to everybody involved.

Bags If dil1 falls out with her mil because mil wants to stay in touch with her own son, then dil1 is being unreasonable.
Nowhere in the OP's posts has this been suggested. That is your interpretation of the situation.
All the OP asked was whether she should initiate contact with the new woman.

Also the poor OP is human. She may well know all the theoretical stuff about it being their lives and her opinions being of no relevance to her children but parents can't switch off caring and worrying. Good luck to the poor OP.

Many years ago I was in a similar situation as your DIL. My MIL met my replacement and entertained her to tea, but I only heard about it afterwards from my kids. It was quite soon after the break up and at the time I was devastated, I now understand better where she was coming from although I still think it was handled badly. If you are going to meet the girlfriend please keep your DIL informed and talk to her about it. Let her know that what you want from all of this is that your GCs should grow up with a caring supportive family around them and that you have no intention of making the girlfriend part of that family but you feel you should meet her so the GCs don't pick up on animosity and tension.
Assure her of your support and let her know how the meeting goes. Besides the awful feeling of being left there is the feeling that you are somehow cut out of the family you once thought you were part of.
I wouldn't hope for a reconciliation your DS may be less enthusiastic about his decision but he may also be trying to keep some sort of hold on your DIL.
All the best. Things do improve and children grow up.

Sorry about the granchildren thing. I think I was muddling this thread with another.

Re jane10's last comment about being human, my mum always said when there was a mixture of feelings and behaviour involved: No, you probably can't help how you feel but you can help how you behave. Thus the civility to everyone thing when one's feelings are conflicted.

spot on Trisher. meet her - be polite - and tell DIL in advance. You need to meet the new partner if only to have formed an opinion should the new relationship implode and you are need for support. No need to pretend to be best buddies. We were once in a difficult position when a friend who had left his wife (and we had been very fond of both of them), rocked up on our doorstep with his new girlfriend "just passing". Actually she was delightful. All dust has now settled - as it usually does in time.

"You probably can't help how you feel but you can help how you behave"; I really like that thatbags.

If only we were all perfect...

Whitehair I was the deserted wife. My ex told his parents (previously divorced and with new husband/wife) who both phoned and visited me to express their sadness and support. Our DS was only young and I tried to keep his relationship with his grandparents as normal as possible. I fully expected them to meet the bitch new woman in my ex's life - he was their son after all - I just didn't want to hear about it. FIL in particular was very upset as I think he finally realised the impact on his family when he'd left his first wife, my MIL.

I too had the comments from ex about coming back to me. The first few times I believed it but then I realised he was just keeping his options open.

Anyway, getting back to the OP. As long as your DIL and DGC know they have your love and friendship, don't ostracise your son for the sake of his new woman. Perhaps suggest you meet him and her for lunch - you'll be on neutral territory and it will easier to be polite to her in public than in the sanctuary of your home. I appreciate it will be difficult for you but I feel you need to do it. (((hugs))) and for you ... and leave the hatchet at home

Whitehair as you are on good terms with your DIL and she knows about this woman, you could mention to her that you may meet her, but will reconsider it if she feels distressed about it at the moment.

If she is going to be a long-term partner then you will be meeting her some time in the future anyway.

I would meet her on neutral ground, a lunch or pub meal out and would not invite her to your home as yet.
You don't say how old your son is; if he is indeed wavering then he may well look at you and his new girlfriend together if she is nearer your age than his and have a think.
However, some relationships with big age gaps are extremely successful so this one could become permanent.

Befire anyone accuses me if being 'ageist', we have experience if this - our Godson was in a relationship with a woman many years older than him, but it faltered and ended after about 5 years when she was 65 and he was in his early 40s.

It is very early days yet too, as he only split from his wife a few months ago.

Perfection doesn't come into it, j10. Partly because nobody is.

I do know that bags its just that knowing how one should behave and actually doing it can be exceptionally difficult. Humans struggle with this!

Of course. But there's no harm in aiming high.

Which is all my mum meant. I think it's a very good way of acknowledging the difference between feelings and how one should behave regardless of feelings if there is a conflict between the two.

My uncle had a saying "never return to the scene of the crime" loosely meaning that if there's a reason it fell apart once there is reason it will again. Certainly this is what I have seen with a number of friends who have split then reconciled - in all but one case it didn't work and they split up again not long after. So I wouldn't pin hopes on a reconciliation, just keep supporting your DiL and your GC as you have been. It's important to keep your relationship going with your son too and your DiL wouldn't expect otherwise - he is your son after all - you have made it clear to all parties what you think of the behaviour involved. Now is the time for all of you to move forward. If this woman is to be a permanent or long-term fixture in his life then it's good to form some sort of relationship even if it's simply a civil one and nothing more. As I say you have made your feelings clear and that's fair enough but you need to make sure you don't end up losing your son which would cause even more heartache. If you can spend some time with your son and have an honest conversation about how he is doing - in terms of coping with no longer living with his children, in terms of how he and ex are getting on for the sake of the children, in terms of how his new relationship is going then this may be helpful because you will know better how to proceed. Don't make it into a huge thing, maybe go for a meal and bring it up as part of the conversation. As I say if she is sticking around then you can work out a civil relationship when the time comes

I agree with ThatBags. And I'd like to play devil's advocate - the "other woman" is single so she's not the one who is breaking vows....

Yes it's always so difficult to make a decision and 'gut instincts' are there for a reason but I often wonder how much of it is social convention.

So based on the above thoughts, if you meet her, maybe it would help you to understand more clearly why it happened and also it puts you in a better position to have a credible opinion. However, I would strongly advise keeping your daughter in law in the frame when considering this move.

I suppose it all really depends on whether there's a real chance of your son and his wife getting back together, in which case it could possibly be better not to meet - depends how far down the line they are with these thoughts and if they have been articulated.

Whatever the outcome, these things often take a while to resolve and I wish I could wave a magic wand for all of you.

My FIL worked abroad and came home every fortnight. DH knew dad had a girlfriend, but she promised that she was't interested in marrying FIL. Surprise, surprise, we came back from our honeymoon to be told that FIL was divorcing MIL to marry GF. He expected us to break the news to MIL. We refused, and, when FIL did tell her, she was devastated. It estranged DH's from his father. Funnily enough, we really like step-MIL (younger than me!), and would really love to see her again. My advice is yes, meet GF - it's the problem of the 3 people in the marriage, not yours, and she may be a really lovely person who adores your son. My first BF was in a relationship when we met and he did love us both equally, but of course, she came first. At the time it was hell, but I always suspected that his partner and I would have been best mates had he not come between us being friends.

I suppose it is inevitable that you meet her at some point, I would find it difficult too as it does seem like an endorsement of something that has caused pain to people you love. If it must happen make sure it is somewhere neutral like a pub lunch and not in anyone's home or something that other people could not afford.

She has your son, and has destroyed his family, (children from broken families do suffer forever, despite our social willingness to pretend that it is all ok) if she had run the kids over would you be happy to meet her?

I would hold off for at least two years, in which time she may have someone else's son. There is no 'love' that makes everything all right, if that causes pain to others to achieve. He has been a fool, why join him in that and bolster her position? She is certainly old enough to know much better.

From first teenage romance to later 'serious' relationships there is always the tricky business of arranging a 'meet the parents' event. It is an important step - a declaration that this is not a casual dating thing, but rather that the boyfriend & girlfriend now see themselves as a 'couple'. Sometimes, seeing the new partner in the family setting raises doubts as to their suitability as a long term partner, sometimes they 'fit right in' like a missing piece of a jigsaw.

Although your son is fully grown up it is probable that he still needs to 'see' his new love through his mother's eyes, before he makes a final commitment to her.

Do meet her. I would suggest neutral ground, maybe a cafe for lunch or something like that, but I can't stress enough that you must talk to your DIL about the meeting or she may feel hurt. Good luck