Meeting DS new girlfriend- or not?

Just a few years into our marriage (and this was 13 years ago) my husband was unhappy and left our marriage. He moved back home with his parents. His mum didn't agree with what he had done, and we kept in touch. She would even come and have lunch with me every week when she did her shopping. After some months we reconciled (the day of the decree nisi was the day he admitted to himself that actually he didn't want to be apart, although it was some months later before we finally got back properly on track. And I need to say that in our case the bad times came after the death of my beloved mother, and our differing ways of dealing with that death, was the reason we split, not because the grass was greener elsewhere, so I do see that there are differences). I found out - from him - early into that reconciling process that while apart, his girlfriend had been to their house, and his folks had also attended her birthday party. Initially I felt utterly betrayed, as she had always sided with me, and i thought she had just been being two-faced. However, when I calmed down and thought about it I realised that, in her position, i might well have done the same thing - we might never have got back together, the divorce might have gone through and he might even have gone on to marry her. She might have been a permanent feature in mum-in-law's life forever, and however MIL felt about his behaviour, or even the girlfriend, she loves her son, and couldn't risk losing him because she wouldn't accept the new person. I would say that in our case there was no other person actually involved when we broke up, she came later, so it isn't quite the same. However, in defence of your son's new partner, I don't feel it is fair to put all the blame on her. Yes she was single, with no children, and arguably less to lose. But it does feel like you might be conveniently shifting the blame all onto her to avoid being very angry at your son and having to confront, and thus risk losing, him, whereas from outside the situation it may look different: he is a grown man, and he has a mind of his own. He didn't get the new partner pregnant and feel he needed to support her out of guilt or responsibility, he just chose to leave his marriage and be with her. At that point, even if the new woman had felt conscience-bound to say that she couldn't break up his marriage to be with him, can you be absolutely certain that your son wouldn't have still left his wife anyway? I think any blame should be spread a bit more evenly. And I think it wouldn't hurt to meet her, either. At the very least you could then judge for yourself what you really think her character is, and whether you think you could grow to accept her in time. Perhaps you could speak to your DIL first, explaining that you still support her, still don't condone your son's behaviour, and dont plan on welcoming the new one with open arms, but that he is still your son, and ultimately you don't want to lose him?

I feel for you.It is so difficult to tell someone what they should or should not do.That your son has chosen a woman, in reality, old enough to be his mother says to me what is not unusal and he felt 'out of it' when he became a father and wanted his wife to be as she was before the babies came along.ie That he was the centre of her universe and now two tiny beings have taken her over.My support would be for my daughter in law.As long as your son is making sure his wife and the babes are not going without all you can do is be there for DIL, wait and see if son comes to his senses.Me?I for one would not wish to meet this other woman.However if the worse comes to the worse and he eventually marries again then maybe! you might be able to accept her.For now DIL and your grandchildren are a priority.

Just a few years into our marriage (and this was 13 years ago) my husband was unhappy and left our marriage. He moved back home with his parents. His mum didn't agree with what he had done, and we kept in touch. She would even come and have lunch with me every week when she did her shopping. After some months we reconciled (the day of the decree nisi was the day he admitted to himself that actually he didn't want to be apart, although it was some months later before we finally got back properly on track. And I need to say that in our case the bad times came after the death of my beloved mother, and our differing ways of dealing with that death, was the reason we split, not because the grass was greener elsewhere, so I do see that there are differences). I found out - from him - early into that reconciling process that while apart, his girlfriend had been to their house, and his folks had also attended her birthday party. Initially I felt utterly betrayed, as she had always sided with me, and i thought she had just been being two-faced. However, when I calmed down and thought about it I realised that, in her position, i might well have done the same thing - we might never have got back together, the divorce might have gone through and he might even have gone on to marry her. She might have been a permanent feature in mum-in-law's life forever, and however MIL felt about his behaviour, or even the girlfriend, she loves her son, and couldn't risk losing him because she wouldn't accept the new person. I would say that in our case there was no other person actually involved when we broke up, she came later, so it isn't quite the same. However, in defence of your son's new partner, I don't feel it is fair to put all the blame on her. Yes she was single, with no children, and arguably less to lose. But it does feel like you might be conveniently shifting the blame all onto her to avoid being very angry at your son and having to confront, and thus risk losing, him, whereas from outside the situation it may look different: he is a grown man, and he has a mind of his own. He didn't get the new partner pregnant and feel he needed to support her out of guilt or responsibility, he just chose to leave his marriage and be with her. At that point, even if the new woman had felt conscience-bound to say that she couldn't break up his marriage to be with him, can you be absolutely certain that your son wouldn't have still left his wife anyway? I think any blame should be spread a bit more evenly. And I think it wouldn't hurt to meet her, either. At the very least you could then judge for yourself what you really think her character is, and whether you think you could grow to accept her in time. Perhaps you could speak to your DIL first, explaining that you still support her, still don't condone your son's behaviour, and dont plan on welcoming the new one with open arms, but that he is still your son, and ultimately you don't want to lose him?

I think this is really difficult and I do sympathise.
But one of my rules in life is to always accept my son's partners. It's selfish in a way, - I don't want to lose my sons! But I honestly think we have to stand back and let them make their own mistakes, and just accept who they choose. So yes, I think you maybe should meet her.
At the same time you can still be a good friend to your DIL and your lovely grandchildren.

Am I the only person who is suspicious of this relationship with a woman 20 years older?

She is a well off business woman in her 50's. Is she looking for a "young bit stuff" to show off to her cougar friends? Is she just playing a game that she will soon tire of?

As for your son, Whitehair Is he (please forgive my directness) just after her money, power and status and thoroughly enjoying the attention from this older woman?

I am not sure if there is anything permanent whatsoever about this relationship.

Personally I would be very reluctant to give my seal of approval to what sounds like a fling (I maybe wrong of course)but I cannot see any harm in meeting up in a neutral setting (I would not invite her to my home at this stage) and seeing for yourself how they behave around each other. As for DDiL I would be open and honest with her and tell her of your intention to meet the "new woman" for the sake of keeping your relationship with your son and not because you approve.

I would meet in a pub or coffee bar; ie not in your home, or his. It might make you feel comfy to have an exit strategy prepared if you need it, such as: "Look, I did want to spend longer with your but (insert name of old friend) needs me to (pop round/do her shopping/help her with something) and if I don't go now I'lll be late"....

He is your son and you should meet the people in his life if he wants you to. If you refuse it will more than likely lead to a split with him. As thatbags says, we can't control our adult children however much we might disapprove. I hope you can still keep on friendly terms with your DiL.

I'd be very careful. The one thing that kept me even civil to my first MiL was that I knew she hated DiL number 2. (Just being honest- I know it's not very creditable!) I felt more & more kindly towards her continuing contact with GC, the more I came to know how much she & her partner disliked new DiL Mind you, she met & tolerated DiL2 & never said anything directly to me, but the message got through!

Under the circumstances only if son decides to bring her to be introduced. We can all manage to be polite and smile for an hour or so no matter what we think can't we?

Went through exactly the same with my eldest son, much older woman, marriage breakup etc, fortunately no children. I finally met "her" but found she didn't want to engage with us, which was a relief actually. Relationship eventually broke up and everyone has moved on, but am so relieved she is not a part of our family.

gillybob I agree
whitehair I expect this woman is giving your son lots of attention; he no longer has to compete with two tinies for attention from the woman in his life; it is not an uncommon situation for a man to feel that his nose has been pushed out of joint when babies arrive, and two arrived in quick succession.

This woman no doubt flatters him and gives him her undivided attention; I would want to call her all the names under the sun if it was me, but you will have to remain civilised for the sake of your relationship with your DS, whilst maintaining a good relationship with your DIL.

Some relationships can be rekindled radicalnan, I have witnessed it with dear friends.
The maxim was 'forgive not forget'.

No no no been in this situation. If you meet her you are saying to them you agree with them, which you don't. You say to your son I'm there for you 100% but please don't ask me to be part of the relationship you now have. Say to him you have respected him and now you would appreciate if he respects your wishes.Also this will affect your relationship with your DIL, please trust me on this one. Especially as you are also saying he now sounds as if he's having a change of heart.Please think very very carefully.

Have been through similar scenario, although DS girlfriend is same age as him, he left 6 month old baby and 5 year old for her. Was totally on DIL side, felt terrible for her and horrified at sons actions. Did not want any contact with new girlfriend, even though they moved in together straight away, I felt it would be disloyal to DIL. Now 18 months on, DIL met someone, have accepted sons new (now engaged) partner. Trying desperately to maintain relationship with DIL because of access to granddaughters whom we cherish and adore, but divorce been acrimonious to say least, and no matter how hard I try to stay neutral and not get involved am always in wrong. I just care about DGD and want to be there for them, but OMG It is so hard!

Lots of wonderful advice. I agree son maybe enjoying this ladies attention but I wonder how long this lady will tolerate sharing her young boyfriend with 2 very young children. She doesn't sound like the nappy changing type. Reading some of the replies people don't realise there is a 20 year age gap so the son is 30+ and GF 50+

She is single but has she been married or in a long term relationship and does she have any children? Or is she this smart single business woman we are all picturing.

Stall, ask after the GF. Maybe when you find out more about her it might be easier to meet her on neutral ground. It is good your son is keeping in touch with you No mention of his father or other siblings who could meet her with you.

You say to your son I'm there for you 100% but please don't ask me to be part of the relationship you now have.

If you say that you'll have to accept no part of any children the relationship produces

I know she's 50 but I know a couple of women in late 40s who have had children recently so its not impossible

I speak from my experience, I left my Husband for a married man with 4 children (I didn't have children), he left his wife & we set up home together. My Mum & I managed to regain our relationship but my Dad was adamant that he would not meet my partner until one day we went to see my Mum & she invited us both in for a cup of coffee, my Dad arrived home & accepted the situation, Dad & my partner ended up watching cricket on tv (my Dad's passion) I am so gad a rift was avoided as a few months later my DD died (far too young)

My advice would be if your DS suggests a meeting that you should go, preferably meeting should me on neutral territory I'm sure your DiL will understand, after all she may meet someone new.

Call me cynical if you like but I wonder if relationship will survive after new GF has had a few weekends sharing your son with his children!
Being a stepmother isn't everyone's cup of tea! Until then, meet if you have to, on neutral ground and don't keep it from DIL. You may eventually have to welcome a new DIL but don't assume every GF is going to be a potential permanent partner. Then of course you will have to do your best toi be friends with her.If it happens that DIL moves on, hopefully you will still be able to remain friends with her.

I would hold off until you know their relationship is solid and will last. How long have they been together?
I hope DIL only gets back if things are well and truly ended with new gf.

It's not clear from the OP if DiL has met the new girlfriend yet. Surely through the children they'll have to meet at some point, and with you too Whitehair through family occasions? Better to meet initially now on your own terms on neutral ground, taking things slowly, rather than have a meeting foisted upon you when you're not prepared.

Your son, like anyone newly in love, thinks the object of his desire is wonderful, can't see why everyone else doesn't think the same and just wants people to be happy for them. 3 months is a short time but I think you can handle meeting her. As others have said, be open with DiL, she must know you'll have to break the ice sometime.

Whitehair, I'm so sorry you are going through such a trying situation.

You mentioned that the break up was in February. I'm assuming they're not divorced yet? The ages of your grandchildren are also a clue that your DIL may have been pregnant when all this began and that there was another little one right before that. That is a lot of responsibility for a young couple in this day and age. Married people faced with drastic life changes, often find support in the wrong places.

If I guessed correctly, there may still be hope for reconciliation. Major life changes can be overwhelming and very disruptive in a marriage. Lack of love is often not the problem. You're acceptance of someone new in your son's life (at this time) would send the wrong message and disrupt any chance for reconciliation.

So having said that, no meeting your son's mistress....YET. You can tell your son, that you still have an attachment to your DIL and that you can't turn off your affections on demand. You can let him know that you'll always love him and you want to be supportive but replacing your DIL doesn't come easy for you and for that reason you can't readily accept 'would be' successors, especially if he's not divorced. Reassure him that you just need more time and that you will let him know when you're ready.

B*#*#y men!!

Oh dear, I must be a horrible person. I personally would not meet this new woman despite what it may do to my relationship with my son. You say he wasn't happy, does that justify him walking away from his wife and children. Working at marriage seems to be non existent nowadays. People walk at the first hiccup. Marriage vows are ignored and I find it so sad. Loyalty is rare and commitment non existent. Just because they are our children, doesn't mean we should accept behaviour we don't agree with. Call me old fashioned but I don't see adult children as being free to do just as they please without regard for the feelings of others just because they can. I hate how there is no respect or basic caring towards others nowadays. So very sad and detrimental to the children involved.

I think your view of young people is rather jaundiced, Grannygrunt.
I do know one or two young couples who have split up, but the majority seem committed to each other and to making their marriage work.

I think I agree, grannygrunt. I'm not sure how I'd feel towards a son (or daughter for that matter) who walked out on a relationship leaving very small children behind. I know I'd be making my feelings known, and in no uncertain terms either.

I doubt I'd have any interest in meeting the girlfriend.

If this were me, I'd expect my son to face up to the ramifications of his actions. If he is offended by people's reactions, then so be it. He's an adult, and he has caused hurt to innocent people.

He's made his bed...

I

This new besom who has knowingly drawn a young family man away from a pregnant wife is not my idea of someone I'd want to meet. This wealthy cougar may well move on and discard him. I'm saying this after reading my way through all the various posts. My heart goes out to the OP and her DiL. The OP's son? Not so much! Borrows Phoenix's tin hat and runs for cover.