How do you come to terms with guilt & regret over not being a good mother?

I recently had an argument with my 48 year-old son when he told me, very hurtfully, that I was not worthy of respect. I have always backed him to the hilt, when he was doing postgrad studying abroad I sent him funds which I could ill afford: he has never paid me back, in spite of having a good job. I was so amazed at his attitude that I sent him extracts from my memoir ( I had a very difficult childhood) with a note to say that if he read it he might understand more about my response to people and events. I haven't heard from him since! We mothers beat ourselves up, but most of us are good enough mothers, and I personally did not get proper mothering myself, but I did my best. As a previous poster said, it is the son's problem not the mother's. He needs to grow up and try to put himself in his mother's shoes.

I sense a lot of pent-up anger in your posts MonitorMo33. What a pity you have burdened yourself with this all your life. Many of us had less-than-perfect parents... I was adopted as a wartime 'What -are-we-going- to -do with- all -these illegitimate -babies ? ' My adoptive parents should never have been allowed within a country mile of children. I could write a book, but unlike so many I'm not climbing on the 'misery' bandwagon. I rose above it, left home asap and tried to be as far removed from their style of parenting as possible when it came to my own. And I made mistakes... the parent who says they never have is deluded. But I have never let it colour my life. I guess I was lucky... I met a man who had an almost idyllic childhood and that restored my faith in parents

WE are on your side, thats obvious from the posts. You did your best and if he was the eldest then he suffered from being the eldest of 3 children, or was he the one that the other two left out.
In anycase he must know that he has to get over his mother working when he was a child, and the feelings of neglect which he probably has magnified with time.
Has he children? that usually helps the children to see some sense when they're parents themselves.
Hope he comes to see some sense and you start to stick up for yourself a bit.
It might help if you meet out of the house. Very often when you're on the sofa or at the kitchen table, these rows blow up. Next time, don't sit with him, find something to do, keep it short and don't go down that road.

HildaW,

I was also raised in an abusive home. My parents abused me, and they also had an abusive marriage. Because my parents were abusive and didn't take responsibility for their own actions in the way they should have done, I often ended up parenting myself. Sometimes, I even had to parent my own parents, having to repeatedly take responsibility for their bad decisions, including their abusive marriage. When I was in my teens, I clawed my way out of the situation I was in without any help from anyone else, and made a life for myself. I too have been described as selfish, mean, thoughtless e.t.c. for not being in contact with my parents, despite the fact that the situation was dangerous. I have also been told to 'get over it'.

As you say, there are no hard and fast rules, but that does not mean that what happened to bee63's son should be minimized, and he should be automatically viewed as selfish, thoughtless etc. We don't actually know what happened to bee63's son, but his childhood was described as 'awful'.

'Letting go' can be part of healing, but sometimes certain matters need to be addressed before someone can 'let go'. Perhaps there are things that haven't been dealt with, and that's why bee63's son is still so angry, or perhaps he feels the need to protect himself from a situation we don't really know that much about.

As you can see from the posts I've made, I'm not portraying bee63 as the villain, but she does have to take some responsibility for raising her son in an abusive home. Even though she was in a terrible situation, being angry with her son, as she's been encouraged to do by some members, will not help. It will simply destroy any chance of a relationship completely. I think that Frue's advice actually sounds like the best course of action to take.

Bee63 - I have nothing more to add but send you my best wishes
for the future

Don't beat yourself up about it sounds like Ito me like you did a great job in difficult circumstances. May be over time he will come round. No one gives us a rule book, and tells us what to do, we have to make it up as we go along.

MonitorMo33,

Its so difficult to see such a complicated matter clearly. So much depends on the individual whether it be child or adult. My siblings and I always felt our Mother was placed in an impossible position - even as children we 'understood' she was literally between a rock and a hard place. She tried her best to show us love but we knew that she did not have the strength of character to free herself. We all left home early and after a few errors along the way made good lives for ourselves. We never saw her as the villain - she was just as much a victim as us....and whether that's right or wrong....it helped us cope. We could forgive her ....move on and build sound emotional relationships with our partners and children.
Before she died there were conversations....she recognised the hurt and we all let her know we did not hold her to blame. Letting go....was part of our healing.
He, on the other hand continued to make our lives unpleasant and right up until his death (and afterwards with a spiteful Will) he continued to act as if he was totally bewildered by our unhappiness.

Living and surviving abuse of all kinds is a personal journey and there should be no hard and fast rules.

Bee 63 ...you are not alone ! but you are very brave to ask for advice ! Lots of good advice on here ....some I will take myself ! Like Jasperis 1, my daughter has not spoken to me in almost 10 years. She told her friends mum I was not a good mother ....luckily her friends mum had known us both since she was tiny ...as had a lot of my other friends ...who wanted to call her and tell her what they thought of the way she is treating me ! I said no, leave it ! ....Bee and Jasperis ...you must learn to think like me ....I KNOW there was nothing I could have done any better ...I DID the best I could, having been left a single parent when she was 6 .....she never went without love, attention, things she wanted (as far as I could afford !) ...I even moved areas so I could afford a nice house and lifestyle to bring her up in. Luckily she loved the new area, and soon made new friends ...it was good that three new girls from different areas of the UK started at the new school on the same day and they are still (or were, last I knew !) friends with her. I sometimes see them on Facebook (and sometimes they post pictures of them all together ...which I love to see, to get an idea of what she looks like now !) ......It used to worry me, but having asked everyone, wracked my brain for reasons, now at last I have given up ...she has her life, she is an adult and it is obviously her decision sad for me though that it .....so PLEASE do not blame yourself ..in your circumstances I believe you did the best you could, as did I ....just hope that one day, before its too late, your son will realise that ....

As adults, we should all be expected to take full responsibility for our own actions. This includes taking full responsibility for abusing your children, enabling someone who abuses your children, or raising your children in an abusive home.

Bee63, your situation was clearly a terrible one, but you still need to take some responsibility for raising your son in an abusive home. If you haven't done so already, you will probably need to apologise to your son for the choice you made. This may sound harsh because you were also abused, but this may be all your son needs to hear.

I agree with Frue who says 'write down your feelings (not a justification for the past but how you feel, how you'd like things to be and how you might get from here to there) and post to your son.' This way, you won't be judging or blaming your son in any way, because blaming your son or accusing him of being selfish, thoughtless, immature etc. will be the quickest way of completely destroying any chance of a relationship.

It's interesting that so many members are dismissing how your son was treated as irrelevant, but how he was treated does matter. The fact that he was treated so badly (you admitted to his awful childhood and there being abuse) should not be ignored, brushed away or treated as if it's nothing. It sounds as if he's still deeply hurt by what happened.

It does sound as if you're very sincere about wanting to rebuild a relationship with your son, bee63, as you've admitted to not being the best of mothers, and the abuse. Most parents in your situation would never admit to such a thing.

I really hope things work out for you.

No-one can be a perfect parent and it is all too easy for children as adults to throw things back at you, often casually, which can pierce your heart with guilt. No doubt your son did suffer as a child but as someone has said, adult children have a responsibility to do something about it (discussion, therapy) and not be perpetual victims. (And before anyone takes issue with this, I had a fairly traumatic childhood but decided long ago to not let it distort my adult life.)

Something I read once which has always helped me if a wave of guilt washes over me: "Good parents will always feel guilty about something or other - it's the parents who feel they have done everything right who are probably far from perfect."

Guilt is a corrosive emotion - all you can do is to get on with your life and let your son know that you will always be there for him come what may.

Oh Bee please don't beat yourself up about the past. How brave of you to even discuss this.

My sister has a wonderful expression to describe mothers in general "a mothers place is in the wrong". This never fails to make us laugh, shrug our shoulders and say "yes, right!"

Your post says to me that your son is being extremely mean and thoughtless. Whether you were good bad or indifferent ..... So what. He's now an adult and should let the past go. I doubt he's the perfect human being as not many of those around.

My parents were utterly useless as parents/people. I never bothered with recriminations with them. Just did my (inadequate) best for them.

I'm wondering if counselling would help you to accept the present situation so that you can move on with your life. I would speak to your Gp & ask for help.

Wishing you a happy future x

I don't think it's particularly helpful portraying bee63's son as selfish or the villain. Once he was an innocent CHILD who had no choice but to be raised in an abusive home, where at the very least, he was witnessing abuse (this is considered a form of child abuse), and probably felt terrorised by his father.

Being directly abused or witnessing abuse can be incredibly traumatic and damaging, and something that many adults, let alone children, struggle to deal with. Some never come to terms with it. Abuse is something that should never be minimised, and I'm appalled by the fact that some people think that it's something that victims of child abuse should just get over and stop moaning about. Maybe we should start telling victims of spousal abuse to do the same.

Bee63 has stated that she felt that she wasn't a particularly good mother, that her son had an awful childhood, and that there was ABUSE. So clearly, her son has every right to be angry.

Bee63, you were clearly in a terrible situation, but your son is probably angry with you for raising him in an abusive home, and not protecting him from the abuse. And as I've mentioned already, simply witnessing abuse is abuse. There is no such thing as a child being raised in an abusive home and not being negatively affected, often badly affected by it.

There is a chance that he doesn't want anything to do with other family members because they were enablers or continue to enable, e.g. covered things up; turned a blind eye; made excuses; minimised the abuse and told him to 'get over it'; called him a liar; were angry when he wanted to talk about certain things; didn't believe him when he asked for help; accused him of being a troublemaker, selfish or unforgiving etc. when he spoke out or refused to put up with bad or abusive behaviour. In an abusive situation, individual children can also be singled out for abuse, or can be expected to take care of the family, and are often blamed for the behaviour of the abusive parent, or expected to take care of the abused parent. This can be an impossible burden for a child to carry.

Bee63, you've stated that 'I haven't explained everything about my relationship with his father.' Your son has probably picked up on this and doesn't trust you as a result. If you do ever get a chance to speak with your son, then maybe honesty is the best policy. You may not get the result you want but at least you tried.

This is obviously a very complicated situation, but people blaming your son isn't going to help, and will only make matters worse. It is an attitude that will drive your son away. Also, I think it's important to remember that on the one hand, bee63, you are a victim of abuse, but on the other, your son is also a victim, and that mustn't be ignored.

I agree with the person who suggested you write down your feelings (not a justification for the past but how you feel, how you'd like things to be and how you might get from here to there) and post to your son. Keeps the door open - and good luck. Sounds so hard for you

Have you tried pointing out to him how you feel and why you struggled to cope. My situation was different - my mum never felt comfortable in the maternal role - but my 3 kids were taken into care (it's a long story) - my DDs never picked up the pieces and, sadly, are permanently estranged, but DS lived with his gran until he left school and then came to us. He knows that I don't feel I was ever a good mum, but we have agreed to work on getting to know one another and becoming friends. The best we can do, under the circumstances, but better than nothing.

Well this resonates with me
I wasn't a great mum
I was under alot of pressure in a demanding job and permanently stressed with a fairly weak husband
My daughter age 30 was not the most cooperative through childhood and teens and we had an equal part volatile and v loving relationship
She struggled with my divorce which was not handled well by we parents but every effort I made to compensate and fix things has been a struggle.even now she is a mother herself ( with her own monumental set of problems ) I am punished for my bad mothering only remembering the bad bits and having things thrown back at me 15,years on is hard . I have apologised for the past I have seen counsellors and I have tried very hard to move on. I Have moved heaven and earth to support her emotionally and financially .I suppose I am saying you cannot control how other people proccess their emotions or how they internalise their childhoods .you can throw buckets of love and regrets at them but if they cannot accept it yes you are stuck - with the guilt and the remorse . The past is the past but some simply cannot move on and using it as a weapon is their way of coping
I always tell myself I am doing the best I can -as indeed you are but it's painful I really sympathise X

Like tiggerI had to go back to work when DD2 was very young. Husband made redundant .I found out much later that he used to shout at them a lot ,though never hit them or anything .Taking out his frustrations about not getting another job (was several years before he was in ft employment again .)I meantime rose quite quickly up the ladder but it meant I spent long hours in a very stressful job.I don't think he grudged my sucçess and was proud of me (and of course life improved financially)But looking back I know I over -proritised it and the children. There was little emotional or physical energy left for him .I think he subconsciously resented this -who wouldnt .
Interestingly as my DD s have got older (now late twenties) and have experienced some of the things life throws at you they are much more understanding of the pressures we were under and have a very good relationship with their father (the marriage did survive!).They understand he adores them and would do anything for them. Maybe girls mature earlier and are better at empathy? I suspectyour son doesn't yet have a family. Maybe he might display better understanding if/when he does .

If it's any consolation I was a full time mum, only taking part time jobs when the children were older. I put (or so I thought) my heart and soul into being a good mum and thought I'd actually found the one thing in life that I was good at. I was working half days but sometimes 12 hour days when my grandchildren were born, but was still 'on call' whenever I was needed, which sometimes meant driving to their house in the middle of the night and crawling into work shattered at 8 am. I've now been told that I'm an awful grandmother who doesn't care about the children and not a good mother either. DD feels that I should be be doing far more to help her balance work with motherhood, but I'm now struggling to do things that I did just a few years ago. As mothers, we just can't win IMO.

I am sure you have found some good support from posters. There seems to be a fashion over the last 50 years or so to 'blame' parents. In the 1800's people just got on with life and tried to make something of it. Some children starting out to work aged 9!! Some of their occupations - chimney seep, coal mines etc were absolutely dreadful.

Part of growing up is to understand how ones parent did their best under the circumstances. Secondly to realize that what you didn't have by the time you are 29 you can give yourself.

It is up to your son now. He needs to realize that his difficult childhood has actually given him strengths that are useful in his every day life. Also that some of his characteristics are directly related to deciding to be better at some aspect of life. For me I try to be reliable as my parents - GP's before the health service were unreliable.

You must not beat yourself up. You may want to put together a life story photo album for your son with little comments about how you enjoyed a particular day or birthday.

One day hopefully he will get over his personal difficulties and be glad to have a mother who is as caring as you are.

Be63 I'm going through same thing but with a daughter. I pass her sometimes in the car but haven't spoken for over 5 years. It's broken my heart and I'm now having CBT. I was advised by a friend to phone Talking Therapy if they operate in the area you live in. Here we can just phone them no referral needed from GP. I am sure like me you did the best thing for your children that you could. I'm hoping that the help I am getting will help me cope in ways I hadn't thought of as I'm clearly not coping at mo. Good luck and I do recommend Talking Therapy if you have that.

We can all look back and wish we could have done things differently; hindsight is a terrible thing, blighted by a view of the past which is distorted by today's
values. I only had two children and I still struggled. Goodness knows how you coped. Unless you beat up your kids or mentally abused them you need to lighten up. Your son sounds selfish, needy, ungrateful and too willing to blame someone else for problems in his own life. Blaming others seems to be the new norm these days. Don't let him do this to you.

Bee63 what a lot of wonderful advice & insight on here, I hope it helps you. I think in your position I would write a letter saying how much you love your son & that you know how hard his childhood was but you did your best to give him a loving childhood. Leave the door open for him to ask questions (I know that will be painful) & leave the door open for him to contact you, I would not contact him further unless he wishes to talk - I hope this will make him think & perhaps he will realise he has to make some effort to maintain a relationship with you.

I had a different situation in that my H left me when DD was 5, we were going through some difficult times financially (he left me for an older woman - always ran away from problems!!).

I was on my own for 3 years with DD until I met the kindest, most loving man who had recently divorced (2 grown up children living with him).

We moved 250 miles away from my Mum & Step-father to live with him for 2 years & then we were married for 21 years until his sad death.

I made mistakes as we were both fond of a drink but we worked hard, my DD has always been supportive & loving - never harking back to the past (we have discussed it), I still have contact with my Step-daughter, SiL & 2 DGC, step-son on the other hand when his father was ill with cancer tried to take over "he's my father", my response was "he's my husband & I'm the one who has looked after him 24/7 until he went into Hospital". Even on the day of the Funeral he was only interested in some stamps of his Dad's (thought they were valuable) which I couldn't find. I later sent him a pair of his Dad's favourite cuff-links - no response!! Contact has ceased gradually, I no longer send Birthday or Christmas cards/presents to him, his partner or (obnoxious) GC.

Families are a minefield, I hope it works out for you but if not I would just shrug & say "it's his loss"

As mothers, we all did the best we could with the resources available at the time...

What can I say. Redemption. Well done Balini, I admire your truthfullness and honesty. You can't turn the clock back, but seems you did everything to redeem yourself, so don't beat yourself up too much.

I think that you looked after your children the best way you could under very difficult circumstances. You say you have 3 children. Do you have contact with the other 2? What is your relationship with your husband like now? I think that he is projecting a bit here. Is he struggling with jobs, money, relationships?

You did not abuse him, you provided him with a home and took care of him and being exhausted and stressed is not your fault and understandable. I think I would write him a letter emphasising that your regret how bad your relationship is now and you did the best you could in difficult circumstances and the door is always open for him to contact you if he wants to try and rebuild a relationship as adults. Then put it to the back of your mind.

All we can do as parents is the best we are able to at the time.

Bee63' I have a good idea what you had to go through to bring up your children, and you deserve a medal. I was a nasty, bullying alcoholic husband. I put my wife through hell, for the first twenty years of our married life. Why she stayed with me, I'll never know. My two daughters, must have thought they had some kind of monster for a father. I've been fairly sober now, for forty years. Fortunately, for my wife and family, I had a site engineer, on the job I was working on, and he introduced me to AA. I never looked back after that. My wife also worked full time, and raised three children. Our oldest daughter, held some resentment against her mother, as she felt our younger daughter was favoured by their mother, as she protected her from me, more than she'd done with our older girl. Our son was fortunate, as he'd come late and missed all my violence. My wife passed away after fifty five years with me. I know now, how hard she struggled to give our children, a home and love. I know there were times, she was short tempered, and got angry. No one could blame her, with the life she was having. She must have been in utter misery at times. I'll carry the guilt and regret, for the rest of my days, for what I did to my wonderful wife. I have some consolation, that I was here, to nurse her through a terminal illness, for the last if fifteen years of her life. But I wish every day of my life, that I could turn the clock back, and give her and my daughters, a better life. So Bee63, if you went through what I put my wife through, never doubt yourself. You were a wonderful mother. Never let anyone try to tell you any different. If your son, doesn't realise what you did for him, he must be so self centred, he is a lost cause. As I said you deserve a medal.