Ending a friendship

Friendship is like a coal fire, and the friends are the individual coals.
If you take a coal out of the fire, it will go on burning for a bit, then glowing but then it will cool and go out.
I think friendship is like that, some friendships will rekindle either because they have not been left out in the cold for too long or because the "bellows" of mutual affection can breathe new life into the relationship.
Sadly others are like that cold, grey piece of coal.
If you haven't been in contact with a "friend" for years and years and years - there is probably a very good reason.
My advice for what it is worth, is be too busy, have prior engagements, don't return calls and she should get the hint.

i DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THE FRIENDSHIP HAS TO END? WE ALL HAVE A WIDE RANGE OF FRIENDS SURELY ( SCHOOL, WORK, HOBBY CLASSES, NEIGHBOURS ETC) WHY DONT YOU MEET UP AND MAYBE TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH ALBUM OF YOUR SCHOOL DAYS, THAT WILL GIVE YOU A STARTING POINT AND BE AWARE THAT MAYBE SHE FINDS YOUR CONVERSATION BORING AND THATS WHY SHE TALKED ABOUT HER GRANDCHILDREN AD MAYBE LIKES YOU SO MUCH SHE IS WILLING TO GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE ! HOPE IT GOES WELL

Why should a friendship continue if there is no basis anymore. I have finished two friendships in my long life and it was the right thing to do at the time.

In one case we were close friends, interested in boy friends and going out and parties etc. It wasn't a friendsip of mothers with young children. Our changed situation ended it but I have have lovely memories of the time we were young and unattached.
We met again after 20 years, had lunch and said goodbye but neither of us made another contact.

I think I would say that' I couldn't commit to regular meet ups , but would be in touch when I have more time '& leave it at that. I have been in similar situation & sadly sometimes friendships don't survive the passage of time & circumstances .

Thanks to everyone for replying. Still can't decide what to do, but I'm grateful for all your help?

Was asked to write to a terminally ill school-friend whom I hadn't seen for more than 55 years.... because I made her laugh at school!
What does one say? She knows nothing at all of my intervening years so can't write in a funny fashion about my family
Difficult.

Is it really so difficult to meet up with someone you knew? Just be you, she might be looking for the escapism of listening to stories about someone else's life, unless you find it so boring that you'd rather be doing the ironing what is the problem? Life is all about the different things that make it interesting, 'go with the flow'! Just because you live a different life to her doesn't mean that's all you have to talk about and listen to, balance.

Difficult one, I had a school-friend whom I had kept in touch with mostly Christmas cards & occasional meet up when visiting my Mum.

About 3 years ago I received a Christmas card saying she was moving to Wales & would no longer be sending Christmas cards (she did provide an address) - I decided perhaps it was best not to persevere with friendship as I was going through a difficult time with DH (Depression) & didn't have the energy to persue, perhaps for the best as our lives had taken very different directions.

I have since been widowed & moved again to be nearer DD, this has all been stressful & 18 months on I am starting to re-build my life, new friends made (some as soon as I moved), new life, 1st home that is my own, garden which has needed lots of work & lots more to do. Am I happy? you bet. New life - for me life has started at 60

I hope you make the right decision for you

Boredom is one thing, but sometimes friendships can be toxic. In my lifetime I have had two long standing friendships that I ended with good reason. A (high school) friend was both narcissistic and an opportunist. It took me over thirty years to realize that our entire friendship was based on convenience (hers) and that it was completely one sided and self serving. I gave, gave, gave and she took, took, took. Another, more recent friend (I called'Little Mary Sunshine'), complained endlessly about her job, her health, her husband, her two boys, the dog, her finances, etc. etc. I decided I had enough when she embarrassed me over my daughter's wedding shower (but that's another story). With both of them, I never did anything unseemly...I simply ended things gradually. Making myself scarce, avoiding invitations and phone calls and little by little letting the friendship dwindle away on its own. NO hard feelings; no harsh words. I ran into older friend's daughter recently and everything was cordial, as if nothing ever happened. Her parents retired and moved to another state (thankfully). I learned from a mutual acquaintance that 'Sunshine's' husband divorced her about ten years ago and that he remarried.

I must be very odd. I've never felt the need for friends even since I was at school. I always felt very self contained and it was certainly not encouraged by my mother to bring any friends home from school. I soon learnt that when I did confide in a couple of ' friends' I was let down badly. So very much a loner but one who was happy, because in many ways I couldn't bear the commitment it would mean too. I think in your situation if you felt you had nothing left in common, you could just see less and less over a period of time till it fizzled out. I had a brief friendship with a friend I met through work and she was happy when I suggested I could only be a flexible friend, as I was forever committed to family and grandchildren. Likewise she cancelled on me on a few occasions when under pressure from work. One day I eventually realized that I wasn't committed enough again and let that relationship slip. I don't know what that makes me, but I'm happy in my own company....but think hard before you might regret letting her go. It's a long time to be on friendly terms and just because your lives have run on different paths, you can still find common ground.

DaphneBroon, I wouldn't agree with dropping the hint. I would much rather be straight about how I felt, and would respect that too if the other person wanted to finish the friendship with me. Nothing worse than wondering why someone has not been in touch, thinking maybe that you said something to offend them, or worrying that Perhaps they were ill.
It doesn't have to be ended in a nasty way of course. I think if it were me I would say something like " It was a treat to see you last week after all these years, however alot seems to have changed in the years we have been apart, for both of us. Our lives have taken a different path" Then go on to tell her that you would rather not meet up again, but would like to have a catch up by letter, perhaps every Christmas.

I think it is the regularly bit, that would be problematic.

The last meeting was awful, but doesnt necessarily mean that occasional meetings like you were having before would be too difficult.

Many years ago I found out that a close friend of mine from school, whom I'd lost touch with when we both married and moved to opposite ends of the country, was going to be moving to the same town that I had just moved to. We planned a meeting but found that we had absolutely nothing in common any more - we just didn't meet again, it was that simple.

In the case of the OP, I'd say what others have said - it would be sad to let such a long-standing friendship die completely but it should be possible to keep the meetings down to just now and again rather than on a regular basis.

I have.a friend that I went to school with, my best friend, we were together until I was 21 having adventures. Our lives took a different turn then but we have still kept in touch, and try to meet up at lest once a year. Her life is completely different to mine but when we meet we just revert backwards, much to our husbands dismay! I would say keep in touch and try and build on what you had in the past.

Maybe your friend wants to expand her horizons now the grandchildren are off her hands. Give her a chance and suggest you visit a place of a interest rather than just a coffee and chat.

You were obviously disappointed but to dump her after one boring meeting us a bit shallow.

Seeing my 2 flat mates from over 50 years ago tomorrow. Having found each other again about 20 years ago after being out of touch 30 years we love to meet up. It's been many months since all 3 of us got together but sure we'll find plenty in common!

Surely you cannot have too many friends! I would agree that unless someone has done something truly dreadful there is no real reason to cut off a friendship.
Regularly could easily mean annual and not necessarily weekly!
Perhaps your friend was sorry to have neglected you and is trying to make amends so I would give her a real and proper chance.

The plain truth is a little harsh and might be a bit upsetting for your friend. After all, no one likes to be dumped and it is not as if she has done anything wrong. You have just drifted apart as people inevitably do.

Is it not possible to be tactfully 'unavailable' and to maintain an e-mail/Christmas & birthday card relationship? You could also meet for an event which doesn't entail you listening to a stream of irrelevant conversation such as seeing a film together. Or schedule a time limited coffee where you have to leave for an appointment elsewhere?

My rule about 'untruths' is that it really isn't right to lie for your own benefit but that a tactful fib to save someone else's feelings might be kinder than the bare truth.

OK, I have lost track of all my friends from my childhood over the years, even more so when I moved 600 miles away whilst living in the US. But my school friends and I had grown apart even when living in the same neighbourhood after secondary school as we didn't attend uni or work together. Then one got married and had kids, the other a teacher, and I moved. The teacher did come to my new home town to see another friend, and we had a nice meet up, but it was a one-off.

Surprise, FF 30 years! The day after my brother died in April, I had email from the retired teacher. The two mentioned above had met up and found they had more in common than when we were kids. The other was now a widow (her hubby was also in our neighbourhood of kids). They were coming to the UK to go round London, etc to celebrate birthdays (ours are all within a month of each other).

Reluctant at first, I am now so looking forward to this. The emails have been fun and it seems we have more in common now than before. They are open-minded Americans and I am not concerned about Trump stuff or gun-crazy talk.

Will let you know how it goes... they are arriving at the end of the week. Staying in a hotel near me, though, as I don't have room and it might be too much togetherness right off LOL!

But... some other friendships have gone by the way. One couple we have known for over two decades are so right wing now, that our last meal out together when visiting the US was extremely uncomfortable. Now I worry about whether to send a Christmas card as usual. But why not, it seems churlish not to... I will see if they reciprocate. If not, I guess that friendship is dead. A shame, as in all other ways, they were very good friends to us when we lived there and we did a lot of things together. We still have other friends we visit, but the woman was a pre-husband friend to me and had helped me through some rough times.

Surely a friendship is about a mutual feeling of affection and interest? When you realise that the other person really has no affection for you or interest in what you do then there's no point in continuing.
I have ended friendships on this basis and been dropped, I assume, for the same reason.

There's lots on both sides of this. It sounds like you felt hurt by the direction her life has taken and comparing. I wonder if you could meet up again and take the intensity of talking so much out - do something together, like meeting at a garden, or a museum or whatever you both like, so there's something around you to share. You might find there's more in common that way?

I can totally understand how you feel. You are in a hard won place in your life after things not working out as you would have wished. This friend, without meaning to I'm sure, is undermining the small amount of peace you have managed to achieve. This peace is fragile and you can't afford to have it rocked by listening to someone else who makes you feel empty and sad. Perhaps when you are stronger you can resume the friendship but for your own sake keep a distance for now.

You can never have too many friends. Just keep the meetings short if they are a bit difficult. I am the only one among my immediate friends who is not widowed or divorced and invitations are thick and fast. I try to keep up with them as I never know there but for the ....go I .

I totally understand how meeting with your old friend made you feel. I have experienced this too.

I think Casawan had the best advice.

So don't feel guilty about distancing yourself from someone who makes you feel bad about your life - she was only telling you the best bits anyway. Good Luck!!

I have come to the conclusion that life is too short to spend time with people I dread seeing or have nothing in common with anymore.
I am not unkind & if someone needed me I would keep the relationship up but if people bring you down & you feel you have just wasted a few hours of your life I see no reason to persevere with them.
It may sound harsh but I'm not at all sure they may not feel the same way. I am a very good 'listener' & I have had times in my life when I have really needed a good friend to listen to me- fortunately I had some but there were others who only wanted to talk about their own problems when my life was falling apart. I don't see that as a 2 way relationship so I just stopped calling or being vague when they tried to make dates to meet up. I don't think anyone was really hurt by it.
It's your life- spend it with people you look forward to seeing.