Problem with FIL ..... or is it me?

Its not you! Is there no way he could come up to you? Failing that could you have some sort of tactical illness? Not too unlikely as you've not been very lucky with your health recently (if I remember correctly). You don't owe him anything and it doesn't sound like he appreciates you as much as he should. His loss!
I'm sure your DH is right in a perfect world but...

I would be very hurt and angry too and I'm not quite sure how I would react. Ideally, I would like to "rise above it" but I'm sure it's easier said than done.

Could you discover an important previous engagement? (we could organise a GN meetup for any day you like.)

I think you have to make a stand and not go. His choice to be nasty and rule the roost in that fashion. Worked with mil so perhaps it will with him. Why should you make yourself vulnerable to an unpleasant old man?

Can you not have a few prepared responses ready Katek for example you could have responded with 'well never mind, we can't all improve with time can we'.

Perhaps a few well timed responses will make him less likely to come out with his nasty remarks.

I think your a saint for putting up with this for so long. And nobody would make remarks like that about any of my DGC, and if they did, old person or not, they wouldn't know what had hit them.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Some people just don't know how to be pleasant without feeling that have lost their dominance.

So .... Go and be pleasant and friendly. See the visit through. If he makes another unpleasant comment just smile and say "It's a good thing where're used to your comments and love you just the same" Then, before he can draw breath and reply, stand up saying something like "i'll see to the tea / go to the loo / anything to be out of range for a few minutes. then continue friendly as before without rancour.

It works! You win and he will be more careful if he knows he can't offend you with his remarks and you have not said anything he can hold against you.

If you can continue to be your usual, friendly self without getting upset, YOU HAVE WON because he can't affect you.

So, take all your courage in both hands and try it - as scientific experiment if you like, but give the calm, objective reaction a chance. You manage the situation your way and when you have calmed down you can have a private chuckle.

Good luck. Sally forth!

What LJP1 says. It might be a bit easier said than done but go for it if you feel confident. ?

What a delightful photo! DGD is looks like a happy, lovely girl -and what a beautiful smile! Have you thought about asking her what she'd like to do? Might you and DGD have a good chat about this? Personally I'd do what you want to do, and if this isn't visiting the cumudgeonly old sod FIL, then perhaps decline sweetly and tell him that you have other plans?

She looks a lovely, lively girl. Why not try the tactic I finally used with a hateful Mil (long dead now) A nasty comment from her elicited a response along the lines of 'Remarks like that usually come from a sad place - what is so wrong with you that you need to be spiteful?' It literally stopped her in her tracks and she started to bluster that it was a joke. We both knew it wasn't, and although it didn't stop her completely - only a stun grenade would have done that - the remarks were fewer.

She is of course lovely. Old men can be bloody tactless!!!!

Katek - when he criticised your Dgd, why didn't you say something like "it's a good thing, she doesn't have any of your blood in her, then she'd really be ugly" and say it with venom. Use fu--ing, before ugly. To hell with your husbands feelings. Why should you have to put up with a nasty old bastard like that. Go for it.

Perhaps it was a backhanded compliment that fell flat, Katek

Some people are naturally grumpy, see niceness as a form of weakness. Perhaps the best way to deal with him would be to say 'yes, she's certainly lovely now, isn't she'. We're all very proud of her!'.

Your DH would like to keep the peace and perhaps he is right, go and see the curmudgeonly old bloke on his birthday but perhaps cut the visits down to 8 or 12 weekly after that, or let DH go 6 weekly and you go every other time. There is a limit after all .....

Is it possible that he somehow thinks the things he says are funny? Does he have friends that egg him on? Or is he just a rude miserable old git?!

Remarks like that can be so cutting and hurtful. Some are never forgotten. I still remember the day my father said to me (as a young woman) "you turned out alright considering what an ugly child you were"

Tell the stupid ignoramus to go to hell and tell him how to get there if he doesn't mend his ways. It strikes me that you are too forgiving and much to patient with a fool like that. He's arrogant and ignorant so ask yourself why you put up with it because it certainly isn't making you any happier or any wiser. "Unto yourself be true"

Why should he be allowed to spoil what should be a special day? Is that what he is after? I would tell him that you have made other arrangements that he would not enjoy but you will see him later. He has brought this on himself so I wouldn't waste time worrying about it.

Just had a close up look at your photograph. Your daughter is beautiful and so confident! Do not let this grumpy old man spoil her day, or yours.

"for the sake of fragile family unity he would like me to be the better person and rise above it."
Unity? Is he kidding? This is a man he went non-contact with.

I'm presuming your husband is motivated by pity (prompted by his dad's widowhood) but sometimes - enough is enough. Consequences. Reap what you sow.

The whole 'be the better person' is just manipulative bollocks designed to press the buttons of someone who is already the better person, and make them do something that their own common sense tells them not to do.

No, I would not go.

Just say its not possible to come over on that day. Thank goodness he's not round the corner.

Whose birthday is it the FIL wants you to go and visit him for? It's not very clear from your post - surely not your granddaughter's?

I'm obviously in the minority here, but as he's always been rude and disagreeable I don't think I'd have been bothered by what he said, thought I'd probably have snapped 'no she wasn't!'.

Oops - that should have been 'Yes she was!'.

I've never understood why people allow toxic people to ruin their lives. Just because they are family. There is nothing wrong with cutting certain people out of your life. Let's face it its to short for this sort of negativity. Would you allow a stranger to talk/treat you this way. No. Be strong and say no

My BiL once remarked, when my eldest DD was about 4, "She's turned out to be quite pretty, though she was really ugly as a baby." I didn't say anything but seethed inwardly. It wasn't even true. I know I'm biased, but even strangers used to stop me to say what a pretty baby she was. If it had been true, it would have been an even ruder thing to say!

This sort of remark, even if said as a "joke", really stings. It's particularly bad if the child hears and is old enough to understand. For that reason, I'd be very tempted to opt out.