Problem with FIL ..... or is it me?

I would phone him and tell him very bluntly that you are sick of his awful mouth and that one more nasty comment or tantrum and that will be the last visit and he can spend the rest of his life alone and if he doesnt like it he can chuff off

I don't understand why your FiL is entitled to have any part in your birthday or your DGD's.
There's no need to meet unpleasantness with more unpleasantness.
Simply say what you will be doing on your birthday, and that you will visit him another time.

Thank you all so much for your input and support - this is where GN comes into its own. I no longer feel so alone with this situation.

Sorry for any misunderstandings in OP-also think there's a typo. It's FIL's birthday and we're expected for to take him out. The whole situation is, and always has been, very strange. This old man expects loyalty, respect and consideration by right despite the fact that he's never shown any of this behaviour to the rest of the family. Previously the family dynamic was extremely volatile but my DH has reached the 'anything for a quiet life' stage with his father. This puts me in a very awkward position, do I rock this barely afloat boat with all the ensuing harassment wth DH etc, but if I don't then I'm not only being disloyal to my DGD but failing to defend her in the face of this nastiness. I may take the middle ground (fence sitting some may call it) and not go, but will say I'm unwell. Yet somehow that doesn't seem enough.....

Oh and FIL has no friends, not one. Why am I not surprised?

But KateK, he only said your GD wasn't a good looking baby - bet a lot of men don't think much of babies' looks but wisely keep their own counsel.

Being the type of man he is, he probably can't bring himself to admit that she's very pretty now anyway, but that's only my opinion and you are obviously very upset by the whole situation.

Will your DH go to see his father on his own if you don't go?

If you knew him ana you would know how it was said. It was downright nasty. Tone, attitude, facial expression.....this is a a man who refers to his oldest great granddaughter (DH!s sister's family) as a little bitch.

DH will go alone if he has to.

is it just me that is out of step then?

I think he's a miserable old man, but he is your DH's father and unless DH says he doesn't want to see him then I would grit my teeth and go for your DH's sake.

Your lovely DGD need not know what he said.
We have a friend who says things like this that make my blood boil; I am never sure if he is malicious and enjoys it or if perhaps he has Aspergers. If I refused to see him it would mean not seeing his wife and a whole group of friends. Would refusing to go to see him occasionally cause a problem in the wider family?

Your DGD doesn't have to see him except at a large family gathering, don't chat about them to him and he xan say nothing.

poxted before I saw that post kk!!

No, it's not just you, Jalima - see my previous posts.

TBH, if he's deliberatly nasty to everyone like that I just couldn't take him seriously.

I wouldn't show him photos or mention my GC at all and would just get through the day as best I could for DH's sake.

But we're all different and of course you must do what's best for you and yours, Katek

Katek I had a good friend with the same problem as you, and her DH wanted a quiet life too.The horrible FIL lived about 150 miles away and they were expected to go and take him out, pay for it all, and he was rude to the two lovely children.This went on for years.Eventually my friend gave DH an ultimatum, you go and see your Father if you want to, me and the teenagers have had enough! So the DH then went up to see his Father twice a year, phoned him once a week, and that was that.Nobody is entitled to love care and respect if they act in a foul way all the time.

Do you have what my DDs call The Look? When people overstep boundaries of polite behaviour( as in elderly relatives who say it like it is) then they are treated to a silent steely stare. My family say it's terrifying . Practise in the mirror. Calling a young woman a bitch is horrid and he should be pulled up on it.

I would draw a line at this and give an excuse and not go. Hate that picking holes and goading people. And since when did we all have to be beautiful? Bet he's not physically and certainly isn't in his soul or character

He did say that she'd improved .....

I have no idea what she was like as a baby , she's certainly a lovely girl now, but that is a compliment of sorts.
What was MIL like - did she never give him 'what for' ?

Ana I am not alone

Go with your DGD, she is the future. I have no patience with old people who think it is acceptable to be thouroughly rude and obnoxious. Having put up with 2 unpleasant FILs in my past I know they are not worth the effort, only happy when they are upsetting someone

I know how it feels! My m.i.l. Was very cutting and really upset me on numerous occasions, and I can recall them years later. My husband wasn't pleased if I answered back. Luckily I " kept the Heid" as I did need her for babysitting, but once we moved away I didn't see her as often. I'm very careful what I say to my family now and don't make hurtful remarks, tho I can think them. She died several years ago.
On reflection, I would have been better to show no reaction, smile, and say sweetly, is that what you think. It would really annoy someone like that to see no reaction!

As I've said before, I stopped going to family gatherings because of my OHs family's attitude towards me. They soon realised they weren't going to see him if this continued.
My own Daughter has stopped visiting her FIL with the children because of his nasty attitude towards * his own sons children* my SIL now visits his father on his own.
I see a patten forming here and hope that my granddaughter carries on the tradition if the need arises.

I've said it before but my sister in law had a brilliant tactic with our rude MIL - she had a 'three horrid comments and we are leaving' rule. Each rude comment was remarked upon and noted. She only had to carry out the threat once. I really dont think she meant to be a miserable rude woman but no-one picked her up on it when she started and it just got worse. She was lovely until her husband died and then it became a nightmare. But that tactic did work.

What a very pretty girl your granddaughter is Katek! Your FIL sounds like a right curmudgeon. I think you need to deal with this situation as you see fit. What advice would you give someone else? I have a tendency to walk away from people who are continuously offensive. I have once said 'that wasn't a very nice thing to say' and left it there. But that is me. Once offended, twice shy.

You say your DH understands where you are coming from. I would think perhaps letting him go on his own this time and giving yourself some space. Maybe better not to close the door entirely though for DH's sake.

If you do try to make a stand, will it make him any different towards you in the future? If the answer is no, then the options are not to go or go and just get through it without giving him what for. My mother is exactly the same, has never been happy unless she has taken a rise out of someone or got them arguing with her, why I have no idea, but I have stopped all communication with her now as I can't take anymore. Very sad but my health has to come first.

If you can brave it for your husbands sake, then do so, for him. He must feel uncomfortable too and not want to go but feel obliged. Can you not shorten the journey by excusing yourself earlier than you normally would? Or get someone to ring you saying that you are needed back at home? Anything to show your face but leave before you both get too wound up. The last thing you need is for this man to come between you and your husband, and if he goes on his own, the FIL might feel he has won a battle due to your husband choosing him over being with you, if you see what I mean.

Bite the bullet, go with him but leave early. Tell FIL it is too long now for the 200 miles round trip to last 12 hours. And then polish your halo!

Is he a drinker or on pain killers? Or in pain even? I think people can become grumpy and lack empathy in those cases.
Many men don't coo over babies whereas most women who are mothers melt a little at seeing a small baby. 200 miles is a long way to go to be uncomfortable, not an easy situation for you and your family.

Perhaps you could suggest that his eyesight needs checking as she is clearly a beautiful little one.

Or point out that people with Alzhiemers tend to make inappropriate comments and suggest he see his GP.

A few digs back and he'll get the point!

I really like the 3 strikes and we're out of there that Granarchist said about.