Doing too much ?

Our young relative keeps her horse where there are other people's horses stabled too (and fields), so they take it in turns if one or other wants to go away.

Or do you have your own field/stable?
Perhaps you could look into sharing and share the care if the other horse owner wants to go away.

although I will say your DD is very lucky and there should be some give and take (where would she want to go to on her own anyway?).

I think as your daughter works full or part time she was probably looking forward to having some free time to herself and was feeling a bit off about having to break up her day, even by an hour, to see to the horses. Talk to her and see if there is any other arrangement you come to other than pay someone else. Could she not share the cost or pay? Good luck

Hi forestgirl

Have just read your post and the various replies and have tried to look at both sides of the story.

As a grandma I think you seem to be doing a sterling job, taking your grandchildren away to your cottage so mum can carry on working but in this instance, could your offer have came too quickly? Maybe mum was going to ask you first to look after the children on a particular weekend over the school holidays so she could go to this party. As it is so far away, I am assuming it is someone she rarely gets the chance to see.

Have you thought about a compromise this time? You take the kids away Mon-Fri and she looks after your horses then you come home for the weekend and look after your grandchildren at home so she can get away. Problem solved.

Or is it a case that you are both strong willed women who both refuse to back down?

If this is the only time she has done this then it does suggest she was really, really looking forward to this one off party. If she grumbles a lot at your ' help' either you are doing to much for her and have helped create this seemingly selfish young woman or, she sees your help as ' interfer' but is scared of telling you as she does not want to offend you.

I think a lot of us have been in similar situations with our own families and it can be very hurtful, but sometimes you just have to say ' it is what it is and find a way to move on without falling out.

Good luck xx

Your daughter is welshing on the deal. You have made a deal - she has refused to do her bit.

Therefore it would seem to me that the holidays that you pay for for her kids are stymied by her.

Unless you can persuade her to pull her finger out. I have no idea how you should explain this to her kids though - maybe they could talk her round.

I think the OP just wanted to share and perhaps ask others if her annoyance was justified. Cut out all the horse stuff etc., and it just boils down to a bit of give and take. I for one can sympathise, as I often have the same feeling, i.e. I do all the giving and DD does must of the taking. Sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone.

I don't understand why this time, when she wants to go to a special party, you have refused to babysit.

I think you are not being unreasonable she is lucky that you are willing and able to take grandchildren could she not get someone reliable to do the morning she is having problems with . Who would look after children while she went to party if you wasn't around . Hope you have got problem settled soon wish I had a bolt hole I'm envious .

forestgirl4 - sympathy from me. I think more than asking for help you want a shoulder to cry on because you feel very much taken for granted. We do loads of sitting for my daughter and it does seem to be taken for granted much of the time and on the very few occasions we cannot do it, we are left in no doubt that she is extremely put out. They do seem to forget that we do actually have lives of our own and friends to keep up with and social activities. We love the children unreservedly and enjoy being with them but there is a limit. I think you have got to stand up to your daughter (as we did) and point out how much you do and would like some appreciation. I don't know how old you are - we are in our late seventies and no longer happy to drive in the dark and do not have the energy of a few years ago. Arrange a holiday by yourself and don't tell her until it is booked. She needs to be able to fend for herself for once. Good luck.

I always think how wonderfully kind and thoughtful people are on this forum,not so much today.Forestgirl you are doing a brilliant job for your GC,making super memories,keep it up--------this time try and sort out outside help then next time go back to your previous arrangement.Your daughter has obviously set her heart on the party maybe she is seeing old friends,or new men etc. at the party,fun she is lacking ?
Remember we all want our own way,maybe she's hormonal,depressed about her future ,lonely for fun ,just acting a bit like a teenager she has probably been really looking forward to this for ages.You sound like a perfect Grandma but we can't do as much as we used to so get tired our children do not see that as Mum as always juggled everything,voice of experience.I have one daughter who has the nack of making the whole family feel bad if she can not do exactly what she planned !
Good luck, maybe get the calendar out and sit down with daughter for future trips after this is all over so no repeat performance----then when your away get the kids to buy her new earrings or something so no bad left over feelings ?

I tend to agree with vampirequeen. I wonder if there is any guilt involved in your bending over backwards to help your daughter? Perhaps to do with the fact you brought her up as a single parent and you empathise with her similar situation?

I find I tend to over compensate to help my DD because our relationship wasn't great when she was young. Just a thought.

If your daughter is going away to a party she will probably be away 2 nights, could see to the horses before she goes, then arrange for someone else, friends anyone and as I said split the cost. The same for the next day and she can check on them just to make sure its all ok when she comes home. I can understand her wanting to go to a party, I was in same position at that age and loved it when I had a chance to go out and shared babysitting with a friend. Worked well

Hi! Forestgirl. Selfish springs to mind

Christ, do people still write essays. Xx

Jayanna9094, I am definitely not resentful of having my GC just frustrated that in spite of wanting me to have them my daughter now seems to be making it difficult.

ZORRO21, Pease re read I have not refused to baby sit. And the party is not special.

Thank you everyone for your input. I have worked out a compromise but I am now mindful that perhaps I have to not be so readily available as she is taking it for granted that I will always help and it is not always possible or dare I say it, convenient. Largely my fault I guess.
Some of your posts have given me real food for thought as to how I act/react and my reason behind my actions (golly a lot of acting there)
The last thing I want is a rift between my daughter and myself but our relationship cannot exist purely on the condition that I expect nothing in return when I am, trying to help.
Thank you all again, and good bye for now !

I think most likely the scenario is this:

Daughter didn't assume that the GM would "babysit", and asked, and thought it was arranged as a "babysitting" arrangement

GM thought the arrangement was that she was taking the GC away, which is an entirely different arrangement to "babysitting" and involves horse care

Meanwhile Daughter confirmed plans for the party, maybe booked transport etc

From daughters POV the GM is relegading on the prior agreement, and although she would have been fine with a "no" at the start, she's not fine with a change of plans (from her POV) now after thinking it was arranged and possibly making onwards arrangement.

ON the other hand the GM feels that the daughter is going back on her agreement, because it was never clear at the point of arranging this that it was for "babysitting" purposes, not a GC holiday for hoursecare swap.

Both are justified, neither are wrong from their point of view

But due to lack of clarity at the start they're now both feeling let down

Both parties thought everything was agreed/arranged

problem is that what each party thought was agreed was different.

And now we're down the line and any adjustment on either side feels like being "let down" and last minute changes of plans.

GM wasn't clear that it was NOT "babysitting", it was a holiday with usual horse care arrangements that go along with holidays

Parent wasn't clear that she was asking for "Babysitting" so she could go away, not just some "time off" at home where it didn't matter whether the GM stayed home with the GCs or took them off and required horse care.

now somebody's plans have to change… upset and resentment all round

Were three more critical posts necessary at this stage of this thread notanan? forestgirl has gone from the thread, having thanked people for their input and for helping her think things through. I do feel she got a lot of criticism , unnecessarily.

Critical? I'm suggesting that both sides probably feel justifiably let down, when actually it may be down to mutual fuzzy communication rather than true wrong doing/selfishness on either side. Is that really critical to you?

Think you both need to take a big deep breath and then calmly think and talk to each other about what's going on. You are both very lucky to have one another fit and healthy and the grandkids. I lost my mum aged 11 so never had this invaluable relationship for me or my children. She needs to realise how special you are to her and her kids. And maybe she's got something niggling away that she needs to discuss with you. Hope you can work it out happily for all.

forestgirl4, chin up honey ! gosh i cant even remember the original post ! maybe you are just too generous with your time, i wonder if you dont take the children away for a few months your DD may finally understand just how fortunate she is to have such a lovely Mum and maybe just maybe will understand she cant have her cake and eat it ! hope it all sorts itself out. p.s i believe we have a friend in common !

Far too little information or in-depth knowledge of the dynamics of this situation for anyone to jump to conclusions, or indeed to give advice, however well-meaning. All I can do is to sympathise with yet another, complex family issue... we all have them... but wouldn't dream of assuming that a. I have any relevant understanding of it.b. I have any advice to offer. Our own families and how to survive them is very much down to us...