Doing too much ?

I was thinking of posting on here for the first time about the situation I find myself in but having read the replies on here I am not sure I can stomach it!! It could just make me feel worse.

Sounds like a tricky situation op.
Can I ask who looks after the horses when you're away without the dgc?
It does sound like your daughter is over relying on you for childcare. I understand you & dgc enjoy your time together.
Do they have contact with their dad? Can he not offer some overnights or a friend so your daughter can go to this party?
If you had an arrangement regarding the horses with your daughter she should honour them imo. Maybe you need to reassess the arrangements & act accordingly.
Dd cannot have it all ways, cake & eat it!! ??

I think the problem with earlier posts was that the full story was not there.
If you are feeling resentful forestgirl then it's time to look again at your arrangements. Things have a habit of increasing without us noticing until the situation becomes a problem. Your daughter is lucky to have all your help and there should be some give and take. Try to talk things through with her calmly, not always easy I know from experience. Good luck

OP please don't give up on Gransnet. Yes some responses can be unnecessarily hurtful but the others generally help you to hold a mirror to your situation and find a way through. Sometimes the only solace is that you're not the only one in your boat.
It sounds like you're having a rough time with your DD right now but it'll pass. Be thankful you have such a great relationship with the GC and hope they don't pick up on any tension. They want the 2 most important women in their lives to get along. Good luck x

Having read all the comments, it sounds to me that you are being very helpful and before this situation, had a good 'working' relationship with your daughter.As you say, she can't have it both ways, but you need to talk with her and get this sorted.

Firestgirl .... I think I understand why you posted ..... 'cos sometimes when you get something off your chest, it helps to see the situation more clearly.

So despite some of the replies, I hope it's helped you to understand the tricky problem.

Me? I would be taking myself off on a riding holiday to somewhere fantastic .... Alone!

Good luck with everything x

My daughter works part time and did not wish to take any holiday herself

This story doesn't add up:

"my daugher doesn't want to mind the horses because she want's to go away herself"
and
"I'm taking the children without her because she doesn't want to go away"

- mutually exclusive statements OP

Sorry that you have had some passive aggressive comments forestgirl. The problems with forums such as these, is that some people just speak their mind without thinking that you might be upset by their comments. I think you are doing a great job, and that some more communication with your daughter is needed. The law of reciprocity is that if we do something nice, or are helpful to someone, they will do a good deed in return.

If you get any aggressive comments, report it. No one should be made to feel worse than they already feel. It's called bullying.

I have horses and absolutely understand your situation. I don't think 1 hour a day is much to ask for taking the grandchildren away at all. Gives you peace of mind too.

It's not easy to find trustworthy people for the animals.

When your daughter goes away you have both ! Horse (or horses ) and children. So why can't she do just one hour a day?

But I do understand you have to pick the right moment /day for organising because some days are difficult...I too have a daughter and granddaughter ??

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! Sometimes things get taken for granted and people need reminding how lucky they are. I would have loved you as my children's grandmother Forestgirl4 and my children would have loved you too, it was as much as my mother could do to have them for a few days and then only 1 at a time as have both was 'too much' for her! Anyone who offers the parents some child free time is wonderful in my opinion and to pay to take them on holiday even better! Well done you

I have to say I think quite a few people have gone off topic. Forestgirl4 has, in my opinion, a reasonable gripe with her daughter who I believe is being very selfish. She obviously does help her daughter quite a bit and a little thank you such as looking after the animals is a small payback. Perhaps if you withdrew your help for a short period of time it might make her realise just how much you are helping.

ignoring the parts of this that don't really make sense

sounds to me that you and your daughter don't communicate well on both sides

She thought you were "Babysitting" - i.e. leaving her free, you thought you were having the kids to take on holiday as you wish - i.e. not leaving her free

all of this would have been avoided if you had both been a bit more explicit about your plans for this time

have you got into the habit of almost factoring your daughter out of things and just handing over/picking up the kids without much of a relationship between the two of you? - that's not going to be sustainable

She obviously does help her daughter quite a bit and a little thank you such as looking after the animals is a small payback

The daughter might not see it that way
The daughter might see it as her "agreeing" to hand over the kids because the OP says she wants to take her grandkids away, so rather than the OP doing the daughter a favour as such, the daughter feels she is aggreeing to what the OP wants quite a lot

I've had this myself with my mother when she's told her friends about how much she's "helped" when actually it was no help to us at all we were facilitating her requests to have time with the kids IYKWIM

Forestgirl you have my sympathy as it sounds like your DD has a lovely Mum & Grandmum for not a huge return on her behalf, it does strike me that she is starting to take arrangements for granted. Now something has come up that "she wants to do" she's making you feel bad.

Is this Party really important, why has this only just come up? Can your Holiday arrangements be altered slightly so she can go to Party & you can still take GC away for slightly shorter break?

IMHO I think you are going to have to have a chat to her, maybe best on "neutral ground" - not confrontational but to ensure arrangements are working for all of you. Good Luck

On a slightly lighter note my situation is slightly different as it involves my cat - I am going to visit my DM in Yorkshire before Christmas, arrangements have had to change because of Hospital Appointments (mine) so we agreed dates & I let DD know. Not a good idea without checking first as DD is Bridesmaid on weekend I would be away. Changed arrangements now . Cat was my DD's before he came to me 18 months ago - that'll teach me to check with her before I plan anything (haven't been away in 18 months!!)

I don't know why we have this generation of parents who expect their parents to provide free childcare. What part of the phrase ' We've done our bit of parenting' do they not understand? It makes me so cross when I hear of GPS organising their free time around grandchildren-minding. Mind you, I do think many GPs ....and I'll stick my head above the parapet long enough to say most of them are grannies..... rush into taking over GC -minding from the moment the babies draw breath. We see that from so many of the hesrt-broken posts on here when it all implodes.
Next week I will be moving back to the UK after 18 years ..... I am quite willing to pick up my GS from school when it's impossible for Mum and Dad to do it... well it's only 100yards down the road.... but DD knows I will be carving out a new life for myself so though I'm happy to help out when necessary , but the thought of any more than a 1 night sleep fills me with dread.
I admire the OP but I think the time has come for her DD to step up to the plate, and perhaps stop playing the single parent card. After all, her mother probably didnt get that sort of support from her parents. This problem seems very much a 21st century one.

I agree Dragonfly46. I have been disappointed recently by some of the rather judgemental responses on this forum.

If I wanted advice on anything the last place I would ask would be gransnet or mums net. Too many sanctimonious people on here who are obviously perfect. When you are rude you only make things worse for people who are having problems. Why do some of you feel you have to criticize strangers so much? To the OP you will have to tell your daughter if she can't help with horses you can't take grandchildren away so everyone suffers. Tell her you wouldn't just trust anyone with your precious animals and you are cutting the time for her with them to the bare minimum. I hope it works out. And I'm glad that there are at least some nice replies on here.

I don't know why we have this generation of parents who expect their parents to provide free childcare.

There's a flip side to this: a generation of grandparents who expect sleepovers and parent free time with their grandchildren and put pressure on new mums to hand over their babies for overnights with the grandparents from a young age.

I know not all GPs do this but it's a common experience with a lot of my parernt friends who have felt pressure from GPS to send their children for "sleepovers" without them etc.

From my point of view as a parent not grandparent, I don't know why this is the expectation of the grandparenting experience these days?, When I was a kid we visited the grandparents as a family, I went WITH my parents as a family, I never had to go stay over night at theirs without my parents. But nowadays a lot of grandparents expect it and start talking about having the kids for sleepovers before they're even born!

Now I understand that it might come from a good place: modern grandparents may feel they are helping parents by doing this but what I see is actually quite a bit of upset new mums who are feeling pressured into the kids having parent free grandparent time. It's not actually always helpful, although I appreciate that GPs may have good intentions and feel that they're being helpful in these cases.

And there are parents who expect GPs to work then do childcare on their days off and it is disgusting I agree, but in a lot of cases, there's a flip side to GPS who say how much they "help" when often they are the ones who instigated the overnights and parents feel they have to agree

wherever the mark is being missed, it's usually a communication thing I think.

Instead what you have is parents thinking they're "agreeing" to every request the grandparent makes to take the kids away, because the GP says they want to

And the grandparent racking up the amount of "help" they're giving because they possibly think the "nights off" are potentially for the parents benefit

and both sides are sitting there feeling resentful.. but if everyone was very frank it could be avoided

seeing GCs without the parents present a lot only increases the gaps in communication

Exactly notanan. That was the point I was making (albeit , not very succinctly). It's a 50-50 thing. And quick scan of Mumsnet shows how many young mums feel steam-rollered by MILs (mostly, but Mums are guilty too ). I am loathe to use the words ' it was different in our day' but my mum completely kept her distance and had to be persuaded to have DD1 (4 years old) in an emergency for 3 nights. She made it very clear when we picked DD up that it was not going to be a regular thing.
My advice, for what it's worth, to newbie Grans, is hold fire, wait to be asked, and if it doesn't suit your plans, apologise (very gently) while making sure you leave the door open for being asked again.
. If it's a genuine immergency fair enough but I'm afraid if it's a 'date night', hen partiy, or spa weekend...... hire a professional!

party!!! Flippin'auto-correct!

Forest girl, I don't think it unreasonable for your daughter to do the hour a day with your horses. It sounds to me very much that this party is the reason for her not wanting to carry out your previous agreement, but, if you weren't having the children she couldn't have gone anyway. Maybe a conversation with her will help, though I know It's difficult to do. Sometimes it does feel like our daughters expectations of us, as grandparents, escalate over time. The original agreement overlooked or disregarded.

Goodness me, what a lot of fuss!
forest girl you are doing well giving your daughter child free time and caring for your lovely grandchildren. Taking them away is great so dear daughter should definitely look after your horses. Not much to ask.
You are a star. Xx

My own daughter is struggling with her job and juggling childcare because I had a fall and fractured my elbow so I have been out of action. I have just begun to drive again, very carefully because confidence is shattered but DD does understand. I hope you resolve things

forest girl Sorry you are getting such silly negative replies to you post . All I can say is that this forum has its share of people who seem to enjoy putting others in their place ! Take no notice

On the subject of your ungrateful daughter , I think several days of childlessness , peace , quiet and a tidy house is fair exchange for a small amount of horse care . I think she is being selfish in the extreme xx