children who emigrate / how do you cope?

Smithy

Update. Two months later .....I tried contacting my GD but she wasn't very helpful. I also contacted DIL who told me to stop living in the past and cut me off. It was her bd yesterday and its the first time in 20 yrs that I havent sent her a loving bday card. I wonder if she will notice I missed her bd. My son continues to ignore me. I’m really hardening myself....Im too tired for any more anxiety. I feel I only want to be with people who are kind.

Happy dais so sorry forvtgecpisition you are in. Perhaps in future you could just send a card on birthdays and not expect a reply, just to keep lines of communication open, I know from personal experience, you cannot have any control over whether they want to see you. You really have to try, for your well being, to make new friends, find something that interests you and pursue it, or do charity work, do you are busy.
To all of you with children living abroad, who will not be with them this Christmas, I hope you manage to to speak with them or Skype and try to have the best Christmas you can. All the adverts show large happy families round the table, life isn't like that for such a lot of us. ?

I confess I haven't read all of these posts as I'm (supposed to be) working but read Storynanny's post about staying with her family and feeling in the way. My son emigrated to NZ 4 years ago with his wife who was pregnant with their first child at the time - as she is from there and wanted to go home to her family much as it hurt we agreed it was the best thing for them to do. They've subsequently had another baby who is now 2. We went out there 2 years ago which was fine - we stayed in a hotel apartment and although our son was working we still met up for breakfast etc so it was lovely. Then my husband suddenly decided on the spur of the moment last year to go over there on his own for 2 weeks and they insisted he stay with them. It was a bit of a disaster really - he felt totally in the way and a lot of the time was left babysitting for the little ones while our son worked and DIL took the opportunity to go off and do her own thing. They ate late at night when he would normally be going to bed and left nothing in for him to eat during the day although obviously left food for the children. Their lifestyle is so completely different to ours and he is used to routine and regular meals. He said he'd never do it that way again and would definitely opt for hotel and car hire next time. He didn't resent looking after the boys of course - just that he couldn't cope with the intrusion on their world. Tables will be turned soon when they come home for 6 weeks at Christmas - so looking forward to seeing them and spending time with the children though I think we will need to just chill and take each day as it comes

Hope the Christmas visit goes well, Willow! But 6 weeks? That's a long time! Do they have other friends and family here? They will probably want to spend some time visiting them, too. But that will be a good break for you and dh, so just as well, imo.

Hi, my son and his fiancé and two year old grandson left in April of this year to go and live on an island near Africa (where she originally comes from).
They struggled at first but things are working out for them. His fiancé has a large extended family and they have a lot of get togethers and parties.
I miss my grandson terribly. We Facebook video chat about once a fortnight and we communicate often by messenger, but it's not nearly the same.
I know it happens to many other people but my life is empty without him, he is such a joy, such a happy child. I have another grandson aged 8 who lives nearby but he is heavily involved with his other grandma, although he stays over once a month.
Sadly , also, the two fathers of my two grandsons have fallen out, and don't speak, and don't have anything to do with each other's child. This cuts me up. In some ways they are both terribly selfish, and neither of them will make the slightest move to patch things up.
We are visiting in May but it's so expensive and I know after this we won't see them for at least 3 years and my darling grandson will grow up and grow away from us.

I am not a grandmother yet but I am a mother. Im also a daughter who chose to emigrate with my husband and children. There's not a single day goes by that I don't regret my decision. I miss them so much it physically hurts. They both think I'm living my dreams but the truth is, I'm not. Unfortunately I can't go home. I can't afford it for one, but also my DH wouldn't follow me and then my kids would have to choose between us. Which of us they want to live with and in which country. So I feel stuck. I can't let my parents know how unhappy I am. It would be like rubbing salt into a very raw wound. Reading all your posts emphasizes that the thought of your children being happy is what gets you through their absence. So I can't tell them. It wouldn't be fair for them to know all the hurt and pain was essentially for nothing. Don't get me wrong my kids and DH are happy here. If I could pick my parents up and bring them to live with me it would be a blessing but among other reasons, they are not in good enough health. I try to keep the lines of communication open but mum gets too emotional on the phone and would rather not speak to me. I've been gone a while now but still it's too hard for her. I get it. And I don't blame her at all. I get very upset when she won't talk to me But in a way I feel I deserve it. And so I will keep trying and will continue to phone every week. I try to go back as often as I can to visit but it gets harder to leave each time. They always say you can't put an old head on young shoulders. Its true. If only I had known then what I know now, I would never have left. Thanks to all who posted and shared their feelings.

Hi Canada I know just how you feel, my husband & I went to live in South Africa, just for a year, 6yrs later and one child, we were still there. I missed my family, especially my mum, very, very much, I'm sure my dad told my mum not to worry me about her missing us. She must have really missed her first granddaughter very much as I actually went home to have her and stayed 6weeks after her birth, in their home.

I know when we left she told my dad; oh, put the cot away, I can't bear to look at it , only knew that years & years after. Whilst living in South Africa, I dreamed & dreamed of being home with my family again. After 6yrs I persuaded my husband to return. It was wonderful to be back, English pubs, roast dinners, even the rain looked good

We stayed 2yrs, had a Son, then moved to the Netherlands as my husband didn't like the low standard of living in UK. But being not too far off, we got lots of visits from mum & dad and all our other family and of course we could easily visited them now, which was not easy when we lived in South Africa. But still the place I longed to be was England!

We stayed in the Netherlands for 7yrs and after divorce, I returned to UK with the children and got a house near to my mum and dad so they could help with the children, we were all very happy. I and the children were very pleased to be back living in the UK, with all our family, speaking English and I would never live any where else again!

Canada I feel for you and your poor mum, missing her daughter & grandchildren so. When I lived in SA there were no phones, no emails, no mobiles, only snail mail. Is it out of the question for your mum & dad to emigrate and be with you all, do they have your siblings and their children to think about and how long have you been there now?? Seems if your husband won't entertain the thought of returning to UK, you & your mum & dad are in for a sorrowful life, missing one another so, the children probably, are unaware.

}}}Hugs{{{ and

I too am finding it very hard to cope with daughter, son in law and grandchildren emigrating. i do feel I am selfish and want them to be happy but not having family around is very difficult. I try to keep busy but it is not the same, and my daughter does phone quite often. I get fearful for the future and try to tell myself not to spoil the present by worrying about the future, but it doesnt help. It has left a huge void and it has been five months now and not getting any better. Advice please

What dont all you poor ladies, whose children and gc live far away spare a thought for my poor Mother who gave birth to 9 and had not one by her side when she passed away. I was the youngest and the last to leave my mother and the land I knew so well, left for a foreign country, foreign culture, foreign everything , thought Yorkshire pudding was literally a pudding after after dinner.anyway , she selflessly sent us away with an ache in her heart but a smile on your face. My utterly SELFLESS Mother sent us all away to "better" our prospects, not for a second thinking of herself and her loneliness. She just wanted a future for us ... we came here to further educate and specialise in our chosen field.
We visited mum as circumstances would allow. Fortunately, my one older brother didn't want to go to the UK. He had a good position....but did not marry and took over the care of my mother. We celebrated her 90th bday, invited her nieces and nephews. Sadly, my brother passed away before her, so we had no choice but to get her into a nursing home.
We brought her here but she was glad to get back home.
She is the most selfless mother I know.
I am in a different position...all my adult children and gc live just about 5 miles of each other. We don't see each other as often as I would like to, but busy lives , mean less time for parents and grandparents.
No Jordona, you are NOT selfish xx

I realise I'm speaking to an empty room as this thread is an old one, however it will help me just to write it down. So if it's only me who sees it, that's fine.

We find ourselves in this situation. My dd and sil have just announced they are planning to move to NZ next year with their two children. It seemed to come out of the blue, but I now realise they have been planning it for years (complete change to careers, selling house and renting instead etc.).

Their decision will turn our lives upside down in many ways. There's the obvious loss of our grandchildren, who we love dearly, in the best years of their childhood. But as well as that we have a horse and own a field in which we keep the horse. This all plays a big part in our lives. The horse will now have to be sold (she is so special to me - we bred her ourselves especially for my dd to ride, it will break my heart. Selling a horse is so final and you can never go back once it is done). The field might also have to be sold - not decided yet, but what use will it be when empty? So in many ways our lives will change immeasurably based on someone else's decision that we had no say in.

Yes there is a part of me that thinks just let them be free to do what they want regardless of our feelings. It's their lives after all. This is why i'm definitely not going to try and change their minds. In fact i'm trying not to say too much at all on the subject, probably best - stiff upper lip!! Hence why I've chosen to pour it out here. To myself!!

I'm sure one day we'll see our grandchildren again, if they come back for a visit (due to complicated circumstances we won't be able to travel to the other side of the world to visit them unfortunately). They say there are ways to keep in touch, but NOTHING is a substitute for seeing them in person. And you can never get those years back.

I always lived close to my parents, helped them in their old age and was with them at the end. So I didn't expect anything like this would happen to me, so it is quite a shock.

Anyway, it has helped to write it down. We'll see what the future holds.

Reading back through this thread I realise it was over 4 years ago and our family have been back twice to visit.

This has obviously been a shock to you Beauregard - I don't think anything can prepare you for the sudden announcement that you are going to have to say goodbye to your precious family and in some ways the anticipation is actually worse than when the day finally arrives. We were perhaps more fortunate in that their children hadn't been born when they went although we had some experience of that when our other son moved 3 hours away with their (then) young daughters who we had been very involved with since birth.

I'm not sure why you need to give up your horse though - even if you don't ride yourself are you not able to keep her and perhaps find a family with a child who would love to learn?

I too lived close to my parents and we were carers for them in their later years but wouldn't want our own children to feel obliged to look after us. We miss them though.

Try to look at some positives with their move. Holidays if you're able to travel in the future. You have had a relationship with your grandchildren already so the bond is there and they love you and will be able to talk to you via FaceTime or Skype etc. and know all about your lives. They will hopefully have a much better life over there with opportunities they might not have here. There is no guarantee that they will stay though.

It's now 7 years since our son emigrated and they are planning on coming back at some point. We haven't probed too deeply into this so we don't know if they want to just have a property over here for my DIL to use when she travels for work (and holidays obviously) or to actually move back permanently. Due to Covid and their work situation everything has been pushed back. Part of me would like nothing better than for them to be in the same country but they have such a lovely life over there another part of me is not sure it's the right thing to do. They are middle aged now so old enough to make their own decisions.

Try to be supportive no matter how upsetting it is but I know how hard that is

Willow500 thank you so much for your response. Whilst I wasn't expecting any, it's nice to read your advice and hear your experiences.

Yes I think it would have been easier if they'd gone before having children. We wouldn't have built the bond we now have.

As for the horse, she is not a novice ride and was bred as a show horse, so any future rider would need to be very skilled and experienced as I wouldn't want to see her being pulled about and ruined. We owned her mother and showed her all over the country. We had big plans to do the same with her offspring and were both very excited about this. My dd and I used to be very close and would talk for hours on end about our plans for the future. But then dd had her own babies and started to lose interest. So the horse has been forgotten a bit. I'd like her to have a future and she could be very successful as she is stunning. But parting with her is the hardest thing. If I keep her it will be a lot more for me to take on and I don't think I could continue this on my own.

Visiting them unfortunately is not an option as my dh couldn't fly that far due to anxiety. Unless I decide to go alone. I'll see how things go on that front.

You're right about the positives though and I will try and focus on those.

Thanks again - your words have been very helpful.

Dear Jordana, I really feel for you. I live alone and my only son, his wife and my grandsons left the U.K. 12 years ago for Texas, now they live in Seattle. Like you I’ve found the pain hard to bear and unexpectedly it has got worse as each year has gone by. My daughter-in-law can’t cope with my visits for long and so it’s been hard to develop bonds with the boys. It’s a very, long way to travel for 2 weeks including the flights. Grandchildren are the most wonderful gift, it’s very tough when life snatches them away. I’m not a part of their life and I don’t think my son knows who I really am any more, because I have to hide the way I feel. He is just pleased to have left the U.K. behind. Of course I’m pleased that life has worked out for them, but the loss of close family is almost unbearable. I’ve tried very hard to make a life for myself. Recently I moved to the coast with the idea of making friends through dancing, which I love, but the pandemic put pay to that and I am left feeling very isolated. I noticed that some people (not all), don’t seem to understand how you feel and I wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. This has been a sad time in my life for other reasons too and I have to remember that things can change. I will never have all those lost years back, but perhaps the future will brighten up at some point. At present I’m thankful that they are all safe and well despite the lock-in. Chin up Jordana that’s what I say to myself.

I feel for all those with their children living far away, fortunately that hasn't happened to me, however as they get older you are in their lives less, as demands on their time increases. It is not selfish to miss your dearly loved children, perfectly understandable. They are all just loaned to us, we give them roots and a sound home life, then they fly. I would just keep sending cards and gifts or mobey, Skype or ring perhaps once a month, expect nothing but that they are well and happy. It must be so hard to out that into practise but there is no ?other way to live with it.