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Invited but not wanted

(43 Posts)
Luckylegs9 Sun 13-Nov-16 07:34:17

What would you do if you were invited to something but know that you are not really wanted,that the invitation was just extended because if they didn't it would look bad on them. This has happened before and I felt do out of things. If I don't go, which I don't want to, it will look churlish to someone else going who loves me very much. I don't want to explain to the person I care about because it would be as if I would be making her choose,the very last thing I want, do I swallow my pride for 3/4 hours or so to make that one person happy or refuse making an excuse.
I would appreciate your views please.

Anya Sun 13-Nov-16 07:42:24

Explain your feelings to the person who loves you very much. They will understand and support you because that's what loving someone means.

grannylyn65 Sun 13-Nov-16 07:45:26

I am the same, usually go then regret it!

J52 Sun 13-Nov-16 08:07:24

It's difficult, we were invited to a family wedding recently. My Law has not had a pleasant word to say to me in over 30 year, that's when she can be bothered to speak. I went to support DH. It was clear that we had not been expected to turn up, but were invited because we were a good touch for the monetary present!
I felt awful, angry and just wanted to leave, but managed to be polite until it was a reasonable time to go.
It can be done, but I wouldn't do it again. Life's too short to be so upset!

Alidoll Sun 13-Nov-16 08:11:57

Come down with a "nasty virus" that you didn't want to spread to everyone. Or food poisoning...

Disgruntled Sun 13-Nov-16 08:16:06

I'll write you an Excuse Me note. It's not worth getting in a tizz, raising your blood pressure, cortisol levels. If someone loves you very much they wouldn't want you to suffer, surely. flowers

Disgruntled Sun 13-Nov-16 08:17:08

Oops, let me try again -flowers

Grannyknot Sun 13-Nov-16 08:19:47

If someone else that you love very much would like you there, do it for them. It's only a few hours. flowers

janeainsworth Sun 13-Nov-16 08:21:28

Why do you assume you are not wanted, Luckylegs?
Just go, and try to enjoy the company of the person who loves you.
Is it that you don't really like social occasions and the 'feeling unwanted' gives you an excuse not to go?

mumofmadboys Sun 13-Nov-16 08:22:49

Are you sure the person who invited you doesn't really want you there??

Scooter58 Sun 13-Nov-16 08:27:09

Wouldn't go,have been in this position,went through a sense of duty,regretted it the minute I stepped into the room and couldn't wait to leave,life's too short x

Skweek1 Sun 13-Nov-16 08:28:12

Believe me, they wouldn't have invited you if you were't welcome. Go, show willing - enjoy and you may find that bridges get built. If your worst fears are fulfilled, you can always make your excuses and leave after a tactful period!

BlueBelle Sun 13-Nov-16 08:38:03

I wouldn't go at all life's too short to be doing uncomfortable things I ve done it and regretted going why live a lie just politely refuse and as someone said if you don't want to be truthful just have a bad tummy or something

Oh skweek1 I think you are very wrong people often do what they think 'looks right' in the eyes of their friends and neighbours not necessarily what they want or are feeling I m sure Luckylegs has summed it up perfectly she has been before and you always can easily tell if it's not a genuine invitation

BlueBelle Sun 13-Nov-16 08:39:33

Is it a coincidence that the thread showing up straight under this Theresa May one is entitled A good knife Lol

Chris1603 Sun 13-Nov-16 08:40:04

If you don't want to go don't go. Since when was it up to you to make it alright for everyone else? You are all adults and you matter as well as them.

You could decide to have a prior engagement.

You could just turn it down (gracefully of course) and explain to the person going who loves you that you never feel comfortable at these gatherings. (If it gets back to the organisers they may want to reassure you that you are welcome or decide not invite you to other such gatherings)

If you do go just decide to put on a brave face and brazen it out and escape as soon as reasonably possible.

BlueBelle Sun 13-Nov-16 08:40:16

Posted in the wrong thread and because there's no edit button I can't remove it sorry folks

helena49 Sun 13-Nov-16 08:50:39

I decided some time ago that I was now too old to go to events that I did not want to go to, I have never been much of a social butterfly, prefer small gatherings with friends but DH is one that can chat to anyone and I usually found myself on my own.
Life is too short to care what other people think and if you will be uncomfortable when you are there do not go, it is just not worth putting yourself through it

janeainsworth Sun 13-Nov-16 09:59:08

Life may be too short to care what others think Helena but it is not too short to care what the impact of your decisions and behaviour may have on other people, or their feelings.

If someone else is going to be hurt or upset by what you do or don't do in your selfish old age, then perhaps you should stop and think whether or not it's worth going to something that really you'd rather not do. Especially it it really requires very little effort.

Lupin Sun 13-Nov-16 10:20:45

I'd go for the one I loved - particularly if it's only for an hour or two. I'd be polite and gently friendly and rise above.
I hope I would anyway! Could you ask the loved person to look out for you if you get left on your own, without explaining too much if you don't want to? I hope the circumstances will allow it. Fix yourself a treat for when it's all over. Mine used to be a stiff G&T, but these days Gin makes my heart pound.

thatbags Sun 13-Nov-16 10:20:57

A very good friend of mine invited me to one of those birthday parties that are for so-called "special" numbers. I know she really wanted me to go. I said no because I am simply not a party person. I told her that too, in case she hadn't already noticed. We are still the best of friends.

As someone else said up thread, if a person loves you they will understand why you don't want to go.

janea, for a non-party person going to a party does not "require very little effort"; it requires a great deal. Showing hurt because someone doesn't want to accept an invitation, which, as a friend one should understand, is what is selfish. Please note the word "showing". Feeling a bit hurt by a refusal is a separate issue. I think some feelings should be kept to oneself.

janeainsworth Sun 13-Nov-16 10:31:27

The OP doesn't actually say it's a party, Bags.
Also, it's one thing being upfront and telling someone honestly why you don't want to do something, and another to make an untruthful excuse, which has been suggested by several posters.

The OP also says that she doesn't want the person who loves her to be forced to choose, so she does care about that person's feelings. She also doesn't say that the person has 'shown hurt' - where did that come from?

I agree that often it's best to keep one's feelings to oneself.
But that doesn't mean that one shouldn't consider the feelings of others, or respect them.

kittylester Sun 13-Nov-16 10:38:03

Two good posts, JaneA.

thatbags Sun 13-Nov-16 11:25:57

The showing hurt thing came from your comments addressed to helena, janea. It was implied if not spoken outright.

Okay, so not a party. Parties are certainly different from quieter, less alcohol-fuelled social gatherings, which can be altogether pleasant. I still don't think anyone is under any obligation to attend something they don't want to attend.

I'm open to persuasion on that.

thatbags Sun 13-Nov-16 11:27:51

So, in answer to the OP, I'd say don't go and don't assume it will "look churlish" to someone who loves one very much.

radicalnan Sun 13-Nov-16 11:38:54

I love having my dog. I can go to things and leave asap using him as an excuse, find a reason to leave with good grace BUT if you relax and things are not as bad as expected, play it by ear.

If someone, who loves you very much, wants you to go, take an opportunity to please them, life is too short to do things you don't want to, but equally too short to miss an opportunity to show how much we love people.

Get a dodgy knee I take mine everywhere and say 'I can only stay an hour'...........make a pact with the loving person, so they know that you are doing this as an acct of love for them, it will give you both pleasure.