Invited but not wanted

Bags I said 'If someone else is going to be hurt or upset by what you do or don't do'

That doesn't imply that the hurt person is going to show their feelings. One could equally assume that they'd keep their hurt feelings to themselves!

Accepted, jane. But then really one is just projecting feelings onto them that they might not be feeling at all. I'm thinking why would someone feel hurt because you didn't want to be at a gathering that you didn't really think you were welcome at even though you've had an invitation? If the person who might have hurt feelings "loved you very much" and you told them your feelings about not wanting to go, surely they would understand and not feel hurt because it isn't about them?

I've spent the larger part of my life trying to please (some) other people and they still weren't satisfied. So I gave up. If they can"t love me because I don't want to do things to please them all the time (when it becomes a chore, not just normal considerateness) well, I guess I can do without that kind of love.

Also, people surely sometimes send invitations that they feel they have to send but would rather not send really, don't they? That seems to be what the OP is saying.

Basically it's a minefield. So being straightforward in one's acceptance or otherwise of invitations seems like a much better idea to me. That's all I'm saying.

If other people don't mind juggling ideas about possible feelings other people might or might not have, that's their choice, but it doesn't invalidate mine. Nor does mine invalidate theirs. It's personal and completely non-offensive or blameworthy.

I don't this can be answered without knowing a few more details. It's too ambiguous. For starters, do they actively not want you there? Or is it a case of inviting you out of politeness because they could not invite your other person without inviting you. Two different things.

I wouldn't go if I knew I was definitely not wanted. But might put up with going if it was all simply down to politeness. But if I really knew I would be miserable though - no way. Life is too short for that.

Bags I think you have to make a distinction between projecting one's own feelings onto someone else, and having true empathy with that person.
The OP didn't say the issuer of the invitation would be hurt.
As I read it, her concern was that the person who loves her would feel obliged to choose whether to go or not, and also that she herself was not really wanted. That's where I thought any projection came in - the feeling of being unwanted.

I think habitual people-pleasing without considering one's own needs is destructive, but it's possible to go too far in the opposite direction in pleasing oneself all the time without regard to anyone else.
There's a happy medium and that's where assertiveness comes in.

I recommend what we do. I'm not a party person. We go to things, sometimes we like them sometimes we don't. We find that if we don't go to something we regret it, and that's a lot worse feeling than if you tried it out, because you have to also listen to all the people who said what a great time they had and why no earth didn't you go? (The explaining is a big headache in itself.)

Go because of the person you love there. If you are having a bad time, but you won't necessarily, you can easily make a reason to leave (such as sudden headache, feeling a bit unwell, pet problem). I find things are never as bad as I imagine them to be beforehand. Who knows, you might have a really good time and the food might be worth having, if nothing else !!!

Don't go it's as easy as that I spent years pleasing everyone but not myself, many a time I had people say oh you must come down and visit us and I did but they never returned th visit. So now if anyone says oh you must come down I say no use must come up and see us. They never do.

It's our time to please ourselves.

You could also have a word with the person who loves you beforehand and gauge what it might be like, to help you make a decision. Just say vaguely that you feel a little unwanted and see what the reaction is.

Thankyou all for your input. If I was asked the question by someone, I would say make some excuse and don't put yourself through it. However, I am still concerned about upsetting anyone and the repercussions, I seem to have spent my life as a people pleaser and it's hard to change.

Luckylegs It's ok to people-please if afterwards, you will feel good about it. It's perfectly alright to say to yourself 'well I didn't want to do that, but I'm glad I did because it's made xxx feel happy and if I've made someone happy, I'm happy too.'

It's not ok to do something for someone else if it makes you feel resentful. If after you've done something for someone else, you find yourself thinking 'well that was a waste of time, xxx is making too many demands on me and it's not fair. I have a right to my own life/ they only like me for what I do for them/ they are just exploiting me'
then it's time to say no.

Only you can know which of these responses applies in your case.
Hope that helps

One big advantage of getting older I''ve found is that I don't have to do things I don't want to do. In a situation like that I would simply make a polite excuse, if possible in plenty of time or later if the only 'excuse' you can think of is something like a sudden illness.

I didn't say the issuer of the invitation would be hurt either, jane. It was the other invitee, the one who loved the OP very much, who is supposed to have had hurt feelings if the OP didn't go to the event. I thought that the OP might be projecting feelings onto this PersonWhoLovesVeryMuch.

Obviously I could be wrong, but it's a valid interpretation of what we were told in the OP, I think.

We were invited to the wedding of the daughter of some friends a few years ago. I hadn't seen the daughter for many years so I said to my friend 'Are you sure your DD wants us there?' She replied 'well I want you there and we're paying'. We went and they put us in a corner on a table with strangers and I felt very uncomfortable indeed.

My bit of wisdom is this: Unless you have solid evidence to suspect a darker, ulterior motive, always assume good faith. If you spend too much time watching your back, sooner or later you're going to bump your head.
Stated more simply, try not to think so much. You've been invited just like everyone else. Accept the invitation, make your loved one happy and go have a good time!

Explain how you feel to your loved one and ask them what they think you should do, you may find they dont wont to go either

I know we shouldn't have to do things which make us unhappy but, sometimes I think we have to support the ones we love, even if this puts us in a difficult position. If it were me, I would be a little bit devious. I would "happily" accept the invitation and say nothing. On the morning of the function I would be unwell but still show willing and tell the person you love that you will struggle on and attend but, see how you feel when you get there. That way you need only stay a short period before making your excuses. Yes, I know I'm a wimp but sometimes you have to take the easy way

Thank you all. I tend to be as Willa said, I think too much. I have accepted invitation and hope I don't feel too on the edge and keep smiling, it is only one day that will pass soon enough and I will be part of it for a while like everyone else.

Good decision Luckylegs.
I hope you enjoy it