DIL problems that I don't get

And perhaps he agrees with his wife, especially if she has good reason to have reservations about dogs and children.

And some houses with dogs are um, very doggy.

Some dogs are allowed on the furniture
or even the beds!

Shock, horror Jalima but grannygranby please try to find a way through this. Your daughter in law may have good reason to be fearful of dogs, put your grandchildren first and other things will follow.

It really leapt out at me that dogs appeared to be part of the problem but not necessarily the whole story but there was an eagerness to see dogs as the WHOLE problem.

I do think there's something rather odd in the UK about dogs. I was recently in Italy and just as in France, there were dogs everywhere. It's true they were mostly small and definitely not aggressive breeds but they were quiet and well behaved and no one batted an eyelid. If dogs don't get the chance to learn how to behave around people then they become neurotic and may bite. It helps both children and dogs if both learn how to be calm and in control.

But dogs aside, the DIL is described as always hostile and that's hardly normal even from the point of view of simple communication skills. It may be the dogs or it may not. I don't want to get into analysing someone elses family that I don't know but it might be some kind of sibling rivalry going on - mum and daughter are close, son and DIL not (apologies OP, this may be far from the truth, just trying to suggest (hushed whisper), it may not be about the dogs!). Maybe DIL has problems as I suggested, maybe she's not a nice person, who knows.

I read something wider than dogs which was a family where 'something' is a problem, I don't have a problem with dogs myself so I wonder if the dogs are a symptom not THE cause.

Good grief,give me an animal over some people any day.Your DIL obviously got a problem with something,but then it's very common,maybe its women in general,some are so insecure,maybe it's to do with you and your daughter,perhaps she's resentful,
I've found out over time,my own DIL had a traumatic upbringing,that's why she's so unstable and insecure. I just step back now,let her be,she usually comes round.[she knows how much the kids love me,nobody could look after them better]
Leave her,just go and see the children for a couple of hours.Some of these women want it all their own way.
Step back,be there if your needed,be nice and friendly so they can't accuse you of anything,but stay in the background,shower all your love on the kids.
Mine as soon as they think I'm getting ready to go.

Cry I mean, sorry

I'm not a doggy person (prefer cats) and if I had children under 5, I wouldn't be taking them to visit anyone with dogs in the house.

It doesn't make me odd or mentally unstable. It simply means I don't like dogs.

I think the fact that they took you out for a nice meal in a restaurant on your birthday suggests that they are interested in a relationship with you, just not your pooches.

Oh dear, I've made it known that my dog gets on my bed.

I don't care.....I change all the bedding regularly and she's good company.

Or. Maybe your son and DIL don't want dogs around their young children. They have explained this, as its been going on since pregnancy/babies etc. The eldest is 4 so it must of been going on years?

Your DD is hosting christmas and doesn't want to put her dogs in another room.
That doesn't really give them much choice? If you all know they dont want dogs around the children, im not sure what you want them to do? Of course they haven't replied to the text, whats the point? Or maybe they have decided to stay home this year?

Your DIL is obviously anxious over dogs. Even if your son isn't, she is. There are dog attacks every other day in the news. Your son must agree with his wife and putting his children before the dogs.
You cant moan you don't see them enough if you dont accomodate them when they visit.

Rapid visits dont include Restaurants for your birthday and you seem to spend every Christmas with them.

Nothing wrong with that Wot,so does mine,spoilt rotten.

Absolutely nothing wrong with a dog on the bed as long as it's your dog on your bed!
The OP hasn't come back so I guess most of the advice is not what she wanted to hea! That happened to me with my first ever post but I swallowed my pride, acknowledged I was one sided in my view and took the advice. Glad I did. Hope OP does too.

Your son is married so his first loyalty is to his wife and children. My son detached himself from me when he first got married, but now he has been married for a while we have a good, but different, relationship.
I wonder if your DiL is actually insecure and doesn't want to share her husband with you. I had a slightly sticky start with my DiL but once we had established that I believed she was number 1 woman in his life we too have a good relationship.
I suspect that the dogs aren't really the main problem, just a symbol of it.
With regard to dogs, I too have a son who was bitten on the face by a dog at a young age. He still has the scar and it has caused him many problems in his life. We currently have DD's elderly dog living with us and he is gradually learning to tolerate it. He is 21 by the way, and has AS.
Even though this dog is, to me, harmless, I see at first hand my son's problems with the smell, the drool, the fur, and his lack of trust in dogs in general.
Luckily the dog has perfected the art of appearing invisible when my son comes in the room.

I agree that there seem to be other problems here as the DIL showed "antipathy" from the first meting. But it does seem crazy to keep on pressing for contact with the blooming dogs and hence making the whole situation worse. Maybe he had the dogs with him at the first meeting!

DD and family have an 8 month old dog, he is very protective of DGS and when he has friends to play they come and play downstairs in my apartment if, they are in the garden DD keeps the dog in the house as he gets very excited.
DGS Godparents have 2 JRs and DGS has never even met them, they have never had contact with children and they take no chances.
AS others have said it only takes a second to scare a dog and they will react.

I adore my dog but when the GD are here he has to be out, I don't trust a dog, with no real child experience, to behave, especially when kids are excited. My daughter never leaves their dog alone with the kids either.

Put the kids first. Bite the bullet it is for just a short time.

Yes that puzzled me too! But later she referred to her late husband. Of course could have been a same sex relationship but not terribly likely.

I think the OP has been treated a bit harshly here. I agree with all that people have said about the right NOT to have small children around dogs but I think GrannyGranby is hurting quite a lot and needs sympathy too.

Having three girls, I haven't had a DiL to have problems with but I was one myself - with MiL living with us for 16 years until her death, so I have seen the problems from that side. Being at odds with the mother of your GDs is horrible and I hope things get better.

We seem to have become obsessed by the dogs in the OPs post, but surely the first sentence is the REALLY important part! Why would this young woman be so "anti", even at the first meeting? I think this is the main problem, just forget the dogs!

I was brought up to fear dogs as my mother did not want me to want one as we were a military family and could be posted anywhere overseas. But she made me think they were just fierce so I would not want one.

It made my life awkward when visiting friends who had pets. I think she thought I'd get over it when I was out on my own, but it took years. I was ENRAGED after she died to find old photos of her playing with dogs on her grandparents farm as a child. So unfair!

Ages 2 and 4 are still vulnerable for being around dogs, or even other domesticated animals, if they are not used to them in their own home and that goes for the animals as well as the children.

We look after our DGD each week, and we also have her uncle's dog with us whilst he's at work as he lives just behind us. She's lovely and little, but still... a terrier mix. We watch them like a hawk as DGD tends to wave her arm at the dog when she comes sniffing for a hand lick. DGD has a cat in her house and she waves her arm to get the cat to go away... which is does. A waving arm to a dog can mean a signal to 'let's play!' or 'yum...you have a treat in that little hand?'

Better to be very safe than sorry as others have said as the visits are few and far between. Maybe DIL herself is apprehensive about dogs from past experience in her own life?

I was converted into a hopeless dog lover, but never would have thought it with my history of fearing dogs.

I agree about the harsh postings maryhoffman. The OP probably depends on her dog a great deal and I didn't see much evidence of the DIL considering her feelings. In law relationships are fraught with problems and the MIL/DIL ones especially so. Better to be kind to those already suffering.

I don't have a dog. OH said it was not fair on the dog when we were both out at work all day. Now we are older I just prefer not to have one of my own. I do not like the doggy smell they leave in the house anyway especially if they are wet. I was out walking with my one yr old GS and OH and this woman was coming over the field with two big dogs. One of them spotted us and came galloping over with the second in quick pursuit. I picked up one year old and the dog was trying to grab him so I had to give him to OH who is taller than me. The woman said 'Don't worry he won't bite'! How she knew that I don't know. One year old was terrified and so was I. I do not blame your DL for wanting to keep the dogs away from her little ones. You hear so many tales these days about family dogs biting children. I wonder if it has anything to do with the colouring they put in dog biscuits? Children first Grandma, dogs second. Put them in the garden for the visit and you may find that DL will come more often. Give and take I say.

I grew up in a very doggy home (my father was a police dog handler and we always had at least one pet dog) but if people came we would put the dogs outside, including the pet.
Young children are at the height of the dog's mouth and any dog can suddenly snap unexpectedly. No one thinks that their dog will but they may feel unwell or have a pain somewhere or just not want to be pestered. People will also let their dogs lick people and it is easy to not notice if you see it all the time and it doesn't bother you.
Your DIL doesn't have to justify her view and it is not a question of talking her round. That is just unfair.
Your daughter can either invite her and make other arrangements for the dog or not invite her. Asking her to go for a walk with the dogs will just sound passive aggressive.

In our case it is not because of dogs. I feel my.dil is holding her daughter's to ransom with us. We didn't attend a BBQ in the summer and things have gone from bad to worse. We were allowed to take the girls to the cinema, we were going for a meal after so booked a taxi, my son & dil were late picking them up and the taxi waited for us and said we didn't care about the girls as we rushed off. They intend to renew their marriage vows next year and I don't think we will be invited nor will his elder brother

Like others I think the dogs are probably part of a wider problem. For whatever reasons, you & your daughter don't like DIL and she doesn't like you. Tread very carefully! You have a choice - decide to keep up the relationship, for a start by foregoing the dogs' company for short periods of time, or risk losing contact with your son & his family completely. Make mo mistake - DIL will not put up with being "ganged up on" over the doggie issue. You know that really. If you push this in any way you will lose.

There are plenty of sad grandparents who spend all their Christmases, and even the rest of their lives, without any contact at all with their grandchildren, on account of family disagreements with an in-law :-(

Problems just do not stop.
Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is just to stop caring ;)