DIL problems that I don't get

Just wanted to add that I think it is bad manners to take your dog to someone else' house unless you ask first. My OH's Aunt brought her dog to our home and it peed all over my new sofa. I never was able to get that stain out. Not to mention the hair problem when they are molting, or when they are on heat, or the chance of bringing their fleas and ticks with them. No, I would not let them near the bed!

Not all people like dogs. I like them, especially Golden Labradors but if I had one I wouldn't dream of inflicting them on someone else especially if I knew they didn't like or were afraid of dogs. 'He won't hurt you' doesn't cut it. I don't like to see dogs licking people's faces either because they could have been licking their bottoms earlier on. A child could become seriously ill after a dog licks their mouth.

I think we are being side-tracked by the dog issue here. The crux of all of this seems to be the DIL's attitude to her husband's family which was tricky from the start. I found working out what my role as MIL should be quite difficult and I have many friends who feel the same. I think I expected my relationship with my son to carry on as before when he got married. Of course it doesn't and it shouldn't. But with a bit of give and take (mostly on my side!!) DIL and I seem to have worked things out. If you could have a one to one conversation with your DIL I think it would really help. Any maybe sort out the secondary dog issue.

Not aimed at you OP,as you sound lovely and I am sure you are a responsible dog owner. But unfortunately there are a lot of dog owners who are not. They expect everyone to love their pets as much as they do,and can't understand why a lot of people don't relish a dog jumping up at them or just generally being a nuisance. I absolutely love all the dogs and if one jumped up at me,it wouldn't bother me at all. But parents are naturally protective of their children around dogs,and the way some dog owners behave,I can understand why. BUT..... having said that,I do think some parents can be irresponsible,by allowing their child to approach and even touch a dog that they have no idea of the temperament of. But that's a whole different subject. I am sorry you are having these problems with you DIL,and that your son is not very supportive of you. I know from experience how this feels,although in my case,it's an antagonist SIL causing the problems! I do hope you get this issue sorted. As a couple of PPs have said,I think you just have to accept that your DIL is probably never going to see things your way regarding your dogs,and leave them behind when you visit them.

You can't make people like dogs. I really, really don't like them. I wouldn't go for a walk with someone with a dog as the smell of wet dog actually make me want to vomit.

Both my uncles kept dogs when I was young. Uncle 1's boxer dogs broke wind constantly, which was eye watering. Uncle 2's dogs were enormous and knocked me and my Dsis over when we were little by jumping up on us (on at least 3 occasions). Both uncles thought MORE exposure to the dogs would make us like them more but it made me hate them. Uncle 2 I no longer have any contact with for several reasons but one of them is that he wouldn't call the dogs off when they jumped up on me as an adult.

I worked with a client and even though she shut her large dog in the kitchen, he broke out several times and went straight for my crotch every time. He also did the eye watering breaking wind. I had to say I wouldn't work with her any more unless the dog wasn't in the house. Of course she choose the dog over working with me, but that was absolutely fine as far as I was concerned.

One of my closest friends has dogs. She knows I just can't be in the same room as them, so she visits me or meets me out for a short time whilst her husband minds the dogs.

Maybe your DIL doesn't like you anyway, but the dogs are going to make a bad situation worse. You may just have to choose between access to your DGC or the dogs.

Surely this goes deeper than just the dogs being in the house? Maybe you all need a frank but sensible discussion to clear the air or this will go on for ever!

I agree with grannyJillyT. There seems to have been such emphasis on the dogs, but I think it is about the relationship, and I agree it is so difficult to bring things out into the open. You are afraid that it will make things worse. I have similar issues in the family, without any dogs at all, and the last time I brought it up with DS I did it such a measured way , because in the end they would side with the wife if it comes out more into the open, while privately being unsure themselves what the rules of the game they are being expected to play are.

Interesting. I must say we used to go to my husband's daughter for Christmas lunch. Last year she said she didn't have room, and no other comment other than that. We were quite upset, considering the financial help my husband had given her all year. What actually was the problem was a newly installed very large dog in a cage, belonging to her son's girlfriend. They'd been living in Australia and returned to stay.

All this seems to revolve round dogs and the fact that your son won't stick up for you. I do think that having issued an invitation to your son you need to have a reply from him. Contact him again and tell him you need to make arrangements for Christmas and you can't do so if he fails to reply to you. What a way to treat his mother !!!

What happened to your dogs when you went to visit them - did you leave them at home ? Why do the dogs have to go with you when you visit everyone ?

I love dogs, but if you know for a fact DIL can't tolerate your dogs, why can't you just accept that, compromise a bit and not insist that they are always part of the equation ?

I don't like dogs, as per previous posts, I don't like the smell, drool, fur, mud they leave everywhere. Certainly don't like sitting on any furniture they have been on. I would have been unhappy taking my children to a house with dogs. Also don't like the arrogance of doggy people that think not liking them is some sort of deficiency on my part. I suspect dogs are the focus for OP's difficulties, not the whole story.

The daughter I mentioned now has a young dog of her own which does what she says but not what anyone tells it to do. Whenever anyone visits it hurls itself like a cannonball at you, bites in a puppylike way and draws blood - its awful. Yet she says it is everyone else's fault for not disciplining it properly, yet she has her own peculiar way of "training" it. My husband says its just energetic, and he likes it, but I hate going now because the dog just takes over everything.

Do you put your dogs away when they visit? If not. It might explain why they dont visit and why you're 'rapidly' whisked off to a restaurant?

I really do not like dogs, particularly their smell. I do not trust them, don't like their habits and do not choose to be around them. They are not welcome in my home. Many of my friends are the same. Other friends who have dogs do not impose them on me which seems to me a very telling measure of their regard for me.

It really is a simple matter grannygranby. If you want a relationship with your son's family do not insist on including your dogs or you just won't have a relationship at all. No really does mean NO!

I have a very keen sense of smell and I absolutely know which people are dog owners - it makes me feel nauseous and I need to use peppermint to help me cope which is very embarrassing. This is not something I have any control over and it has become worse as I have become older.

I don't like fussy dogs what jump up and I get annoyed when you are in a public place where there are signs saying they should be on leads there are always some owners who don't think it applies to them so dogs come jumping up and owner says oh it won't hurt you . Dogs need training one of my sons as a dog and is used to children but I still don't trust it my oh loves dogs but agrees ??

Unfortunately, most dog lovers assume that most people feel the same way.

A few years ago, we were invited for Xmas to a relatives house.
Initially, we were quite pleased. But we knew she had dogs and was a fervent dog lover.

Unfortunately, when we arrived we soon realised that her doggy population had increased somewhat. She had, and still does have twelve dogs.

I have had dogs myself in the past so I am not totally against them, but they were all allowed to jump up on furniture and all,over us too.

I couldn't wait to get home and throw all my clothes in the wash.

Of course, we couldn't complain as she was very hospitable.
But you see what I mean about Dog Lovers.

I don't think the posts are "harsh" as someone said upthread. This person (gender seems to be in doubt!) has a difficult relationship which is compounded by insistence on the inclusion of the dogs. People have said that he/she should drop that and simply take the dogs out of the equation. Seems like sound advice to me, and intended to help the situation.

GrannyGranby as you can probably tell by some of these posts, incomprehensible as it may seem, there are a lot of people who just don't like dogs.

This is despite the fact that dogs were the earliest animal domesticated by man, and provided them with protection, warmth, companionship and help in the hunt for food. They see them as dirty and smelly. My dogs aren't dirty or smelly. They have their paws and bottoms washed after every walk and their eyes and teeth cleaned daily.

His dog is my 10-year old GS's best friend, in fact his only friend

He is on the autistic spectrum and his dog has helped him overcome many barriers in the few months he's had her. He used to shun events that brought him into contact with people and hated sport and team activities. He's now training his dog with the local fly-ball team.

BUT it's no good me even trying to convince others that dogs and children are a great combination because everyone has heard of those rogue dogs that ought never to have come into contact with little people.

So I'd find a solution to keep everyone happy and not try to impose your pooches on those who will never understand the attraction of man's best friend.

The MIL role is a tricky one. I always tried to remember what it was like being a DIL. My SIL is like another son. I told him very early on that if I ever over stepped any boundaries he was to tell me so. I have given the same advice to my soon to be DIL. Our son has chosen well and we already get on famously. I consider ourselves to be lucky.

The dog issue is a difficult one. I think it is very hard for dog lovers to understand those of us who aren't and vice versa. I had a much loved dog from the age of 13 when our family moved to the country. I never liked the dog which replaced her. We ourselves kept cats before the children. Since having kids I wouldn't give house space to either. Our D is very allergic and always suffers if she visits a house with dogs. I'm afraid that simply shutting them in the garden doesn't help as the dust and hairs are in the house, however much it is hoovered. Her own D loves both dogs and cats but the S is frightened of dogs after a very large one ran up to him in the park and knocked him over at the age of about 3.

I guess I'm just saying that we are all different on our approach to domestic pets. If the OPs DIL has an allergy or phobia then I fully understand her not visiting. I have neither but with the exception of one dog who resides in NZ, I'd rather not have them indoors.

Ask your DIL what the issue is but be prepared for an answer that you may not like. I know my own sister in law never forgave me for not allowing her dogs into our house.

I fully understand how much people love their pets. I do get it, but with the exception of Steve the hamster who comes for his holidays when the GC are away, ours will always be a pet free house.

Narmark I love him at first sight!!

Not all dogs are so lovely though!

Marmark ? sorry, fat fingers

I very rarely comment on these posts but feel compelled to post in OP defence. Firstly, I have 3 dogs and 8 cats so could be considered an animal lover. However, when my DC were little, my in-laws had a dog which wasn't used to children but, when we would visit, not only did it stay in the room but also was not allowed to be moved from the sofa so someone could sit down. Also, if one of DC went to stroke said dog, they were told to leave him alone by my in-laws. Needless to say we didn't visit very often. What I'm trying to get at here is that I can see both sides of the dog issue.

However, I think people are focusing too much on the dogs here and not enough on the relationship, which is what I think the OP wants help with. Nobody seems concerned that OP arranged to visit DS & DIL, made a drive he/she didn't want to make but wanted to see her family so made the effort and, when she arrived, there was nobody in as DS had "forgotten" to tell DIL. I am assuming the dogs didn't travel with OP, so how much more effort can he/she make? All the OP wants is to have a relationship with the DGC but it seems DS & DIL have a problem with this. It seems to me that, whilst DIL may genuinely have an issue with dogs around DGC, it is being used as a reason not to spend time with OP.

I'm not sure how to go about resolving this as OP has already made the effort to visit DS and family but if you're nervous about driving and travelling some distance to visit and nobody is in when you do plan a visit, I know I wouldn't be too keen to repeat the exercise.

Good luck OP and I hope a solution can be found.

Not just dogs, DiL apparently doesn't like coming to our house and can't wait to leave, says she is allergic to the cats, but I have never seen her blow her nose, scratch or rub her eyes whilst round here. DS says it is an excuse, makes him cross, and certainly it was no different when we had no cats, when our previous two cats had died, before we got two more. She still couldn't wait to go. DGDs adore the cats, and love cuddling them, and we look after one of them one day a week, and other days when asked. Keep asking myself what I must be doing wrong.

Good grief I know people should be wary of mixing dogs and children but this is ridiculous! To not even be able to point to a dog in the garden beggars belief! There is definitely more to this than is being acknowledged. Is DIL jealous of your relationship with DD? She is either very insecure or controlling or is the latter because of the former. She and DS are not doing DGC any favours raising them to be afraid of dogs who can genuinely be a great thing for a child. My DGC love my dogs (child killer staffies) but the dogs know their place , physical and hierarchical , and the children have been taught to respect the dogs
This situation is unlikely to be about the dogs but they are being used as an excuse. DIL needs to grow up, she's a selfish madam imo.

Why would this young woman be so "anti", even at the first meeting? I think this is the main problem, just forget the dogs!
Take the dogs out of the equation (kennels over Christmas perhaps?) and try to establish a better relationship with your DIL, perhaps through the DGC?

Perhaps she was nervous, shy at the first meeting and they got off on the wrong foot and have never got over that first hurdle?

I'm not anti-dogs at all but I would be wary of dogs with DGC. Even the nicest dog could snap if small children are rough with them.

Maybe DIL feels threatened by the relationship you have with your son? Perhaps she feels the most important woman in his life should be her? Well, she is his wife, and he has to support her so you can expect that he will do that. He is a married man now not just your son and you have to accept that.

Forget about the dogs. They can be locked in a room or put in the garden. It is the relationship with DIL you need to get straight.