Grandaughter

Very upsetting. Could it be that she is rejecting you so that, in her mind, she won't feel your loss when the inevitable time comes when she loses you, too?

She is rejecting you before you can 'reject' her (ie leave her like she sees others have left in some way or another?)

Just a thought.

I hope you are able to find a solution. I hope she seeks help as she'll make herself very unhappy and ill.

All you can do is keep trying and holding your door and heart open to her.

Thank you for your messages..I do not think I am putting myself first..I am concerned about her reaction to losing her grandfather, and she is now so closed in, she will not discuss anything.....
Thank you Lisalou, I believe she is suffering from depression, she did try counselling after DH died and really liked her counsellor, but did not last long..her attitude is 'I'm fine, nothing wrong at all'. DGD has two medical conditions which need regular monitoring, but she leaves appointments for far too long before getting her checks done.
She lives in a flat on the ground floor of her mum and step-dad's house, but is saving like mad for her own place. She and her mother are not really close - it seems to me that DGD is always working late hours then rushing off to visit friends in her spare time, as if she has to fill her hours, which is what makes me believe she does need more counselling, but I do not dare mention that.
I have simply run out of ideas of how to re-establish any lines of communication with her, especially as I seem to meet an almost hostile attitude..I even thought that she resented her DGD dying and wished it were me...that is how far I go looking for a reason for her attitude, which I know is far fetched, but from the relationship we used to have and the one we do not have any more, I am clutching at straws to know what to do for the best.

I dont think it sounds like the OP is putting herself first, I think the "Angry young woman" comment is an observation, not a criticism. She also comes across as desperately wanting to help her to come to terms with losing her grandfather. I can understand she feels rejected by her beloved granddaughter and would love to recover the relationship she had with her. to you, diamondsgirl, my heart goes out to you, could her mum talk to her about it? Is she close to her daughter?

All you see is a very angry young woman, you say, and you miss her company and love.
This makes you sound as if you are putting yourself first and wanting your DGD to change her behaviour for your benefit.

Is she only angry towards you or does she seem to be generally angry with everyone?

Is there anyone in the family who she might have an idea as to why she is being like this , hope it works out for you eventually

Does sound like depression, the clinical type not just feeling sad. You can only suggest your granddaughter gets some help, maybe you know someone else she is close to who could encourage her with this. It's so hard seeing things go wrong and not being able to help. Sometimes it's necessary to accept that at the present we can't do any more . Let your granddaughter know you are there for her and then try not to worry.

It's possible that your DGD is suffering from some sort of MH condition which causes her to isolate herself from the very people she needs. (Depression and BPD make me do that).

She's had a lot to put up with whilst growing up and your DH dying might have been the final straw that pushed her over the edge into illness.

Does she still see your DD?