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Hello – I’m new and here out of desperation. I’m on the other side of your traditional coin, as it were, and am hoping you’ll have some wisdom or strategy we haven’t considered, as I’m rapidly reaching the end of my tether with my mother in law, and all the daughter-in-law forums I’ve been to recommend we run and never speak to her again, which is a fairly drastic step I’m trying to avoid taking. I also apologise for the length – there is history, but I’ll try to be brief.
To set the scene, my husband is the only child of his parents, and his mum, my MIL, is also the only child of an only child. My MIL’s mother passed away about 6 years ago, so we and her husband are all she has by way of family, which is why we’re trying to avoid cutting her off.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 4. When I first met his mother, it was immediately apparent we’re very different people – she’s involved in the arts, is very extroverted and outgoing and open with her emotions, whereas I’m science-y, quiet, introverted and hate being the center of attention. Despite this, I was still hopeful we could have a good or at least workable relationship, as I get along brilliantly with his dad and also DH’s university friend who they’ve sort of ‘adopted’ as a pseudo-son.
Things were okish until we got engaged after we’d been together for 5 years (broke students = long engagement). At that point, her behaviour started to spiral. She’d always been a bit overbearing with how much involvement she wanted in our lives, and we did give her jobs and responsibilities with the wedding, but she went from ‘a bit over-excited’ (every conversation she had with us had to be about the wedding, she’d send us long rambling emails full of ideas we didn’t want, would attend wedding fairs without us) to ‘invasive but we could just about cope’ (she sulked and made PA comments for weeks when I said I was buying my wedding dress rather than letting her make me one, she nearly sabotaged our venue negotiations by calling them behind our backs, those long rambling emails became weird entreaties begging for us to change our dates or locations to something cheaper along with lists of things we could better spend the money on – not items that would have been helpful, but things like fresh rosepetals strewn down the aisle and things like that) to finally in the last 6 weeks, totally off the rails.
Due to a mix up with hotel rooms, we had to intervene and swap things around so a disabled guest could actually have a room with disabled access. MIL lost it.. Twelve increasingly hysterical and abusive voicemails, then radio silence for a fortnight, then when DH finally called her, she spent over 3 and a half hours screaming, crying, and wailing down the phone that if DH didn’t give her the control over the hotel rooms back, she and FIL would refuse to attend. Eventually, DH caved, but our opinions of her from that point on were permanently changed.
The wedding itself, the night before we each had family gatherings at separate restaurants. A cousin of DH’s grabbed me the following morning while I was getting ready, to report MIL had gotten drunk and spent the evening badmouthing me and DH about how we were so shameful and disgraceful and thoughtless, etc. Faced with having to confront and eject them from the wedding the day of and my DH not having his parents there, I kept my mouth shut, but having to cope with my blood boiling every time I looked at her didn’t exactly mean my wedding day was happy or relaxed.
After that, she sort of returned to normal for a little bit, and I kind of wrote it off and tried to just swallow the bad feelings – afterall, weddings make people crazy right? I was sure if she hadn’t apologised for her behaviour, it was only because she’d realised how bad it was in hindsight and was thoroughly embarrassed and didn’t want to bring it up.
Unfortunately, the last 18 months have given lie to that, and we’re now faced with how on earth to handle her. The first incident was she had a screaming temper tantrum in a car park at my DH that we should call our son her maiden name – I was not, and had never been pregnant at the time, we weren’t ready to TTC. This was followed up with an email that started out sensible but then became increasingly rambling and incoherent, and centered around the fact we’d double barrelled our surnames and this somehow made her feel left out and then spiralled into weird justifications about how he would always be her baby? DH acknowledged we’d received it, but never replied and never brought it up. He also overheard her saying to mutual acquaintances multiple times that she would have loved to have been more involved in our wedding but she ‘wasn’t allowed’. Blood boil – that was when I finally cracked and told him what she’d said about us the night before the wedding. He was horrified, but didn’t confront her.
God this is long: to the point. We’ve recently had two big things happen; we’ve just bought our first home (yay!) and are finally TTC (double yay!) She obviously knows about one but not the other, and she’s repeating the same behaviour. She got upset and very insulting to DH when we wouldn’t give her a house key to our new home to decorate it without us there, even when he spent 2 hours cajolingly explaining why. And now she’s kicked off a big argument because she has a whole load of her old furniture in storage, and feels we’re ‘insulting her’ by buying our own furniture rather than using what she keeps repeatedly offering. I want – no, I NEED to stop this behaviour NOW, before I get pregnant. Women from my family have dangerous pregnancies anyway, and the added stress she is likely to dump on me if she continues like this (or gets worse; she’s a little baby obsessed) could jeopardise the health of both myself and my child, and if it gets to that, I will cut her off rather than risk that, but I want to avoid it getting that far. So we need to force the issue NOW, rather than let it drag on to that point.
However, any drawing a line…well, the history speaks for itself really, in that it’s her way or the highway (with lots of screaming). When she isn’t acting like this, she is very loving and nice. She obviously adores her son – it’s just that she doesn’t appear to have any grasp of reasonable boundaries or expectations, and we really need to give her some.
So, MILs and grandmothers (and grandfathers, if there are any!) have you been in this situation? Did you and your adult children have to have a sit down and reset expectations? Did it go well? What would have made it go better? Are there any resources or books that I could point her at that might help her manage her expectations? Was there any logic or thoughts you had that led to an ‘Aha!’ moment that you think could be suggested to her? Is there something you think we might have missed that should be considered where we could change how we behave?
Help?
She isn't pregnant Far North! Just TTC
This is about adults not domestic abuse or child abuse. As adults they should be able to sort something out and with respect Bibbity being "on parenting sites" is hardly a qualification is it?
Why does it not surprise me?
You can't possibly believe that abuse only takes place between a couple?
Sorry Starlady, my "irrelevant" comment was directed at Bibbity. Timing., X'd posts.
But the advice to do that distancing tactfully and without turning it into a full-scale fight is still relevant. MiL probably had the best of intentions when she brought up her son, and making all his decisions and knowing all that went on was part of what she thought was keeping him safe and on the right path.
There was a point at which she should have backed off and let him be an autonomous adult, but she missed that turning.
There is no need to attack her for it, now that she is an unhappy old woman Ease away from her and live your own lives - and learn from the example.
bibbity is bitter about her own experiences, so she advises drastic and punitive retaliation.
I know that DaphneBroon. TTC could well result in a pregnancy very soon. It would be silly to ignore that possibility.
Seems to me that an adult decision could be for the OP and her DH to remove themselves from a relationship that distresses them and disrupts their life.
Elegran as always puts it so well. Can't improve on that 
Ok, Daphne, thanks for explaining.
Elegran, I think your post is right on the money! MIL probably never learned to let go. She can't adjust to not being in charge.
But I don't see the op or her dh attacking the woman. Seems to me they are just trying to set boundaries.
I agree that "easing away from her"/gradually lowering contact may be the best solution in the end.
I'm not projecting or bitter about anything. I haven't CO or been CO from anyone. Ever.
Also there doesn't need to be a fight. It's only a fight if you enrage.
Don't respond. Don't pick up the phone. Don't open the door.
So why did you give your advice as though you had that experience and knew all about it? It certainly sounded very bitter and full of the pain of real experience when read.
You reap what you sow. OP, I would want to model loving behavior to children. Or what happens when you are an old mil?
Good post Elegran
Bibbity take it your from mumsnet
Yes Debbi
The OP has not and may never have a child, so how all this hate can be thrown at m.i.l regarding being a bad GM is most baffling. This young couple are newly weds, so maybe the Son has only just moved out of his family home, and his mum hasn't had time to adjust and to take a back-step, it takes time when they have clearly been a close Mother & Son. As Debbi has said OP, your turn will come, to be a m.i.l, and would you like this treatment?
Bibbity, did you mean to say "engage?"
Debbi, good point about reaping what you sow! Isn't it also a parent's job to model behavior they would like their children to copy? Perhaps the OP wants to model standing up to a controlling person?
The OP has not and may never have a child, so how all this hate can be thrown at m.i.l regarding being a bad GM is most baffling.
I agree.
Can anyone here imagine themselves behaving as this MiL is said to do?
If so, how do you think you would behave during a Dil's pregnancy and once there is a grandchild?
FarNorth are you saying we're hearing both sides? Or knowledge limited to OP's view? Another "Bad MILFH" bites the dust.
Far North of course we can imagine the worst, but given that we only have the DIL's version of the situation and maybe pinches of salt might come into it? I sense a histrionic tone to the account of events as I have said, maybe even an over dramatisation?
So to project into an unknown future on the behalf of.a MIL we do not know and an as yet to be conceived baby is all a bit pointless.
My take on it, for what it is worth, is of a young woman (OP) who feels dominated by quite probably an overbearing MIL. DH is pretty useless at standing up to her and OP needs to assert her independence as a wife, no longer just a girlfriend. Not an unusual scenario, especially if the couple were young when they first got together.
The "double-barrelling" of their surnames sounds odd, why didn't OP just retain her maiden surname? Two of our DDs have, maybe that too was calculated to assert OP's identity Maybe MIL detected a slight in that.
Who knows, it all sounds like a Hollywood movie gone wrong (Meet the Fockers etc)
but I don't think we need to worrry about future child abuse do you?
Can anyone here imagine themselves behaving as this MiL is said to do?
Well, I wouldn't behave like it - I hope!! - but I know one who does.
And her DGS is very precious to her, she adores him and she gives him a wonderful time when he is with her.
I can definitely see a woman like this trying to have a say in whether or not the OP gets medication during the birth (I didn't say anything about "what medication"). Hopefully, doctors and nurses would ignore her, but I can see her causing a lot of drama over this. If not that, then I can imagine her trying to get to hold baby before the OP or demanding to be the first one to hold baby after OP and just generally trying to make it all about her. I've heard about things like this happening, and this MIL sounds to me to be just the type who would do this.
Please don't get me wrong. I DON'T think most moms or MILs would do this - ONLY off-the-wall ones like this MIL seems to me. That's why I sincerely hope that OP and her DH agree NOT to invite MIL in to witness the birth, etc., even though I'm sure this kind of MIL will expect/demand to be there
A pregnancy that has not yet happened.
a woman like this
I can see
I've heard about things like this happening
I can imagine
seems to me
this kind of MIL
What inflammatory responses just from reading posts and without hearing the other side!!
Hearsay and imagination.
I do hope the OP ignores this kind of 'advice' which is not in the least helpful or constructive, it just inflames an already difficult situation.
I hope the OP can move forward with her DH and establish a reasonable relationship (even if not loving) with her MIL and that MIL will realise, if DGC arrive one day, that her DIL is the loved mother of her DGC and treat her with the respect she deserves. She will probably prove to be a doting grandma - and if she says anything about the child's mother to him/her, be sure he will defend his mother come what may.
Patience and serenity may win the day frustrateddil
She sounds like my deceased MIL. At least you're seeing her warts and all before you get pregnant so your getting a very clear picture which gives you time to come up with a management plan.
Her behaviour is selfish and needs to be controlled. It doesn't sound as though your DH is ever likely to stand up to her otherwise he would have done it by now. And she won't change either so no hope there either. That's two off the list.
It's going to have to be you that sets the stage from now on. Cutting her off is cruel. Is this who you are, really??? I blocked my MIL once for a while but it didn't solve anything.
Instead I learned to manage her at arms length and it worked really well.
For starters we moved right off the doorstep. My home, my rules so I decorated my home how I wanted without any interference.
She had no input into our lives, physical distance was our saviour.
This left FB and phone calls and this really was enough. She was happy and so were we. Once DH was no long the centre of her universe, and I think this is key to setting boundaries, remove the DH, she went off and joined a charity group and began filling her life with other things.
At Christmas, she didn't get an invite, no family members did. But we went to see her over the Christmas period which was enough.
I found if I made a plan about what was going to happen and told her, if she didn't like it, I just said well, that's how it was and eventually she realised that none of us were centre stage so she just got on board.
But don't end up another estranged family. It hurts and it shows that none of you can communicate effectively.
PS FrustratedDil. Don't overdo the worst MIL in the world description. You've posted a one sided version and hopefully you've got a balanced set of responses. But don't demonize your MIL.
Nina, your post is exactly why I believe in going lc rather than nc with difficult family members (except in cases of abuse, of course). Things can usually be managed without total estrangement. Your story is the perfect example. Bravo!
But I don't get why everyone is so down on op's dh. He DID finally stand up to his mother. He's the one who told her no more visits, etc. till she apologizes. Personally, I would rather lower contact than try to force an apology out of someone. However, my point is that dh is taking a stand.
About the baby thing... It seems that usually bad mil/dil relationships get worse after a baby comes into the picture. Ok, not always worse, but often stay just as bad, only now it's about trying to tell the parents how to take care of the baby, etc. So I get what people were saying about that.
But I agree that there's no point in talking about that now since the op isn't even pregnant. That's just silly.
Good luck with ttc, op!
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