Family, what does it mean to you?

When we shared out my parents household goods etc. Only blood family members could state what they wanted. They put it in priority order and so every one got their first choice, then after that we went round hoping to suit everyone. Even then my sister went off to America with my brass tray!! Fortunately not my first choice which I had taken early to prevent it disappearing!! My SIL wanted 2 cloisonne vases which my brother put in for as his first choice so she had them. My other brother put in for some eastern foot stools as his wife had been brought up in Malaysia and she wanted them. a few years later, I had my mother to look after, so when she died both sisters were asking after her Kashmir table. I left them to sort that out, they did not enquire after her brass buckets so I still have them both. However by then I no longer felt that these family things mattered so much! We did take photos of everything as part of the sharing out by priority process and I haven't looked at these recently. Its been over 10 years since we left the family house. And the brass tray? Sister still has it by I bought another one in a local Bric a brac store and it suits me well.

It is so distasteful grubbing about for a dead person's valuables. I would hate to think my life had been reduced to that. I have done two house clearances after the death of elderly relatives and it so sad but at least it was not compounded by arguing family. There is something to be said for being an only child with no other relatives.

When my lovely dad died he simply left everything he had to split equally between my brother and I ...he had previously said to us when he sold the family home after our mum died that he would put the money aside for us, We both said NO ..you use it to enjoy it having worked all his life we felt he deserved it ! He bought a retirement flat and lots of new furniture and enjoyed his last years going out to lunch with friends, a few holidays and we were really delighted that he did ! When he eventually died and I sorted out the flat with my brother, we just took a few mementos as in I have a carved wooden sailor and a book of his drawings and his student engineering book and my brother has a watch of his plus some other bits and pieces. I put some money into a building society account for my daughter to go to Uni with,

When I die, hopefully I will have some warning I plan to sell my house go on a world cruise and get off at Dignitas ! hey ho ,,,,,this will be a surprise to my daughter who has not spoken to me for ten years ,,,,,the French authorities will be seeking payments of all the taxes !!!! IMBU !

When my birth mother died, I was adopted and found her and I was the eldest of seven, she did not have much but she made a will . She left a small gift to all her children, mentioning us all in order of birth. She left me all her photographs with instructions to my sisters to tell me about when they were taken. Having been brought up as an only child, those pictures ment more than any amount of money.

I really don't see why DILs would expect to receive money on the death of their in-laws. The usual procedure is if a son or daughter has already their share is divided between their children. It doesn't even need to be stated in the will because it is part of the law applying to inheritence.
I was so disgusted when there was a general handout after my grandmothers funeral. A case of who want this or that? So my Mum put in her will about particular pieces of hers. In fact when we moved abroad they were given to the people specified then rather than taken with us. I also gave my children most of the photos of them as youngsters so they all had a fair share as it always seems as though one person either takes them or just throws them away.

After my FIL died (MIL had died a long time before) DH as executor of his will invited his brother and sister to go through the things in his granny flat attached to our house. Despite the fact I had been in the family for 35 years and had helped DH nurse him through cancer, I kept well out of the way. I felt that it wasn't my business.SIL did ask me to come and chose what I might like. I only took a little ceramic cow-creamer with a broken horn as I was particularly fond of it. It was all very amicable, except we were left with the horrendous job of clearing out the remainder.

When FIL knew he was dying, he tried to get me to take a lot of the things he valued but I didn't want to get into that. I find the 'vulture' situation after a death very distasteful! Every time I am involved with clearing someone's possessions after a death it just brings it more clearly into focus that we take nothing with us.....so what is the point!

I've already given my jewellery to my daughter - it is after all made to enhance the beauty of a young woman. She also has many of the special family bits and pieces, such as gt gt grandmother's trousseau china, as I want it to go to someone who knows and appreciates the history. My DsIL are quite materialistic and not really acquainted with notions of sentiment - on my demise, they would simply throw old stuff out with no reference to my sons. I'm only in my 60s but with potential serious health issues, I want to be organised, and to ensure that stuff of family value is preserved for future generations.

As a DiL I left the sorting out of my MiLs Estate to my OH and his sister. By the time my DOM died everyone helped us out, we all worked together and our children and their partners were offered anything they could use, I'm not going to worry too much how my possessions are sorted out but have made sure there is a Will.

I feel very lucky. My ex husbands family accepted me as one of their own. After we divorced (he left me) they still supported me, and when my MIL died, despite the fact I was remarried, I received a cheque for £5000. My second husband's family also welcomed me and my children with open arms. In turn, I have done the same to my children's partners - even my sons ex (who is the mother of his daughter and barely speaks to me!) I still consider her as part of my family, even if she doesn't! Ironically though, when my parents were alive they never did accept my ex husband. There's nowt as queer as folk!

I was told from being widowed that dD would inherit quarter of the house, the other 3 shares to my late husbands siblings. I expected nothing and got nothing, I never got along with them despite trying , I was never good enough, so I really couldn't care less, apart from thinking that a small share would have been nice as a small pension in my old age. However I have nothing to thank them for.

As long as I have their love and affection whilst they're alive I couldn't care less what, if anything, is left to me by my parents in law. We (their two sons and daughters in law) have discussed with them the practicalities of funeral arrangements, powers of attorney and various financial matters relating to trusts, but I suppose I've just assumed that they will leave everything to be shared jointly by their two sons. I don't feel I need to be left anything specifically because it's a given that anything left to my husband will also be available to me.

When my lovely dad died we four sister went to his flat for the night, ordered a takeaway and had a few bottles of wine. We then went through everything in the house sharing it out. Each of us taking stuff that we were goung to keep or give to another member of the family or a charity. If you had bought him something then you had first claim. It was an emotional night of laughter, tears and do you remember, it was something my dad had asked us to do.

I think it will vary from family to family. I was totally accepted by DH's family, but when his parents died, I let him take the lead and make all the decisions about what happened to his parents estate, unless he delegated anything to me and the same when my parents died.

It is not a question of whether you are a full or associate member of the family, but parents gave birth to our partners and their parents and home form their earliest memory. Breaking up a home after is a death is a break-up and dispersal of the formative years, for most of us all this occurred before we even met our partners. In most cases family, beyond immediate very close family are also excluded from such decision making.

When DPs died, a number of friends and relative's asked for mementos of them, but even DFs siblings did not get directly involved with the dispersal of the estate.

This brings back painful memories, My husband was only thirty eight when he was killed in a motorway accident. I still visited and looked after his mother for over thirty years. She was very dear to me.When my mother-in-law died I attended the service at the crematorium. Her ashes were being interred later with her husband. I wanted to be there to say my final goodbye. I was told in no uncertain terms, by her other son, that only blood relatives could attend.The 'blood relatives' were scarce on the ground when she needed caring for. It really upset me

You will always have this in all families and often the word ''money" will set you aside from others it's all about the pecking order in life I for one have felt this once told I wasn't blood when a discussion arose with mil and son different now when I'm the one doing the running around for her best dil in world now!!

As you have been with your husband for many years it is up to YOUR husband to share or not share his spoils with you it's not up to the in laws to add everyone on the family tree.....
Anything I have left will go to my children and grandchildren it is up to them to include their partners I think it's unreasonable to expect anything from anyone except your immediate family ( if your lucky)
The only items I ve ever inherited was an old lady I used to look after and her family very kindly told me to choose something I liked .... I chose a picture
Never expected or received anything from in laws although we remained very good friends

DH, like me, was an only child but had spent some time with his mother, aunt and female cousin when evacuated during the war. When my MiL died, the cousin who rarely if ever visited was asked by FiL to sort out her effects. I was quite relieved but slightly put out at the same time. When FiL died, I had to do the lot - where are husbands when you need them . When my Dad died some time after my Mum, I had a huge house to sort out. I chose to do it alone and found the week I spent sorting through piles of clothes, paperwork, effects and memories a very cathartic experience.
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I am making a rough list of who I would like to receive particular items once I am pushing up th daisies, and after that I have suggested to my daughters that they take turns divvying out the rest

I don't envy them going through my knicker drawer; all sorts of secrets hidden in there....

It touched a chord - tea-times comment about "I never felt part of my husband's family, but he is part of mine." I write this because I feel my daughter-in-law arranges everything that revolves around her family, whereas I feel like a satellite who gets fitted in after their 'demands' or requests, however you view it! On their wedding day, I told her I never shed a tear, as I was so delighted they now had each other to care for and love; it now seems they not only have each other, but her family constantly in tow and it seems her mother calls the shots. As my DIL has a brother with special needs who is constantly getting into debt on the same unsuitable purchases, his parents bail him out. MIL told DIL it would be her responsibility when they pass on to look out for her brother; I do not want my hard-earned money going to fund his behaviour if my son should pre-decease her, so feel like changing my will.
Is that so bad?

What a sensible mam! When my SIL passed on, what her friends & relatives didn't take from the house was taken by her solicitor & executor, who had been a family friend!! Funerals and wills do bring out the worst in some people!!

My DH's cousin who is not unkind but can be a bit "grand" once said to me "oh but you're only a Broon by marriage" Turning to her, her very soft spoken but equally intimidating mother added "but so, my dear, am I".
A certain !!!

It's not that you're not part of the family. This discussion, in my opinion, is really not for you to be part of. I'd say the same if I were in the same situation. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I were having to distribute my parents belongings and my Brother in Law (who I love dearly) stuck his oar in.

I would stay well away from this one. In my experience, Wills, estates, legacies etc bring out the very worst in people. It's bad enough trying to arrange a funeral and winding up the deceased's affairs let alone sorting out posessions.

Some family members can become very protective of what they perceive to be 'theirs', and perhaps feelings are running deep which could account for their usual filters breaking down.

Upsetting for you, I can see. Just put it down to the possibility that reason is a little off at this time, and just be there to support your husband. xx

Our will divides everything equally between our children with a small separate bequest to our grandchildren. We assume that what our children receive will be used to benefit all their family.
When my in laws died despite 47 years of marriage to their son, i was not mentioned in the wills, and fully accepted this. which reminds me, i should ask my dh what happened to that money.... but not lost sleep, it wasnt a lot!

In laws are not family when it comes to dividing up family property and I would not attend any meeting about that. I might suggest to my husband I would like something but leave it up to him.

Older brother took my father's medals without any discussion and even called in at my home on the way back from taking them and didn't mention it. I have no problem with him having them as they are displayed in his house and he has a great interest in the armed services. But if he dies before his wife, I shall ask her for them as my father disliked her and would not be happy knowing they were in her care. That was part of our family life.

In many European countries property is automatically inherited by the family and if my husband died I would automatically inherit his part of his parent 's property. This can get very complicated, but you can't make a will leaving all your property to who ever you want.

My husband's family are my family and vice versa. When his parents died - I actually did most of the work. I sorted through all their belongings, taking loads and loads to the charity shop, cleaned the house and sorted through all the hundreds of photos, sharing them out equally as well as I could. I did all the paperwork, which took hours. And I think I was appreciated by both his brothers for doing that. My husband was the executor for my parents, and again he had a lot to do. I think family is family, even extended family - you might not get on with all of them but you have to honour their decision.