Family, what does it mean to you?

Four elderly relatives homes and estates had to be sorted out by DH and his brother and sister, helped by husband and wives. We all had equal status and we never fell out over any item, occasionally tossing a coin for something, and having a bit of fun trying to force something ghastly on someone else! All monies were divided equally between the three, except for one house , left to my sister-in-law alone. When it was sold she immediately shared the money with her brothers. I think it very sad when families are divided on these occasions. We grew closer , I think, by sharing these happy/sad tasks.

You are blessed and loved

My late husband and I made a will and made the solicitors Executors. We have two sons who do not get on very well together. Roy thought this the best thing to do. It is all worded who gets what. Gifts given to us now have notes on the back or underneath saying who gave it and them to be given back to that person. Makes it easy. In laws are not normally mentioned in wills because they obviously share with their partners. I have left a great deal of jewellery to my lovely daughter-in-law, she is one in a million. The antique furniture is labelled who gets what. It is best to organise before you die. I have thought about it very carefully. I have written three people out of my will because of their selfish behaviour. It isa very sad thought talking about this. I am 80 years old now and so am prepared.

Although my head understood the wording of Mr C's close family wills my heart was just a little bit hurt. We hope that by talking to our family (we definitely include our daughters in law in family) there will be understanding of our thinking and approach in our wills. We haven't yet but do plan to list specific items for individuals, not because of monetary worth (there is very little) but because we believe these items would be cherished by these people. They will also be given permission to swap about or dispose of things if that is their wish. My own parents left very little so little cause for tension. The attitude of some close family to Mr C and his childhood home caused him untold distress when his mother died, we decided then to do what we could to avoid this happening to our children, their chosen partners and our grandchildren. We're not there yet, but getting closer.

How rude of them you have been married to your husband for 40 years and you are part of the family. Really some people.

When my Gran died my Mum thought things would go as Gran had wished as she had been very specific about who would get what - for example a pair of porcelain figures of a girl and a boy would get passed to my youngest Aunt, a tradition in the family. Dad was driving us back from the funeral and we were the last car to arrive at Gran's house. As Mum opened the front door we could hear my Aunts squabbling and two of my Uncles were in dispute as to who would take the TV (they had all paid in to buy it for Gran). The two porcelain figures just vanished. My youngest Aunt was very upset (Mum thought her eldest sister had them as she had always said she wanted them). It was horrible standing there seeing the adults all arguing, I know Gran would have been so upset with them if she had been there. When my Mum died everything went to my brother (this had been arranged for decades so was no surprise). Mum had already given me her original wedding ring (which had been bought just after the war ended and was 9ct gold, my sister had already had her second ring bought once 18ct jewellery was available again). Apart from that I had nothing. I have done the same with my children, my son has already had his half of the money from the sale of my house and I have given him various bits and pieces of his Dad's etc. My daughter will get the rest, again it shouldn't be a shock as it has been arranged since I lost my husband in 1998. Probably lucky as I don't have a lot to leave! My Will is written so that my ex son in law has no claim on any of my property, he never did anything to help me when my daughter was married to him so I don't see why he should be 'rewarded' when I die.

When my much loved G.Aunt died we went to clear the house and clean it up ready to hand back to the council. We were shocked to see the sister of my G.Aunt and her friend going through the drawers and cupboards. This sister when G.Aunt was ill and needing care was nowhere to be seen. She never visited her sister and yet in that one week she made 3 trips, with friend, and loaded the car up with anything she thought was of value. My OH was very upset at her behaviour, very angry that she had never visited when her sister was alive not even on her Birthday. He had been managing her estate for her, paying bills etc etc. Yes, this woman was 'family' but we thought she did not deserve anything. It was like seeing G.Aunt's things being rifled by burglars.

We were not expecting anything; the only things we took were photograph albums and her certificate on becoming a Registered nurse.

Referring to whether you are 'family' or not I would say if you married in to the family then you are a member of the family.

wow touched a nerve there! but thank you all for your opinions, as varied as they are. To be honest I am not that bothered about whether or not we get 'stuff', I think I just felt upset because I always thought we were close, but they obviously stick to the 'blood family members'. My husband is lovely, he understands how I feel, and he is going along with their plans because he doesn't want to upset them, nor would I want him to fall out with his siblings.
Dee - lovely to read your post, just cherish them!

You yourself refer to them as your "husband's family".

Rather than "my family"

Bbbface how else would the OP describe the people involved so we understand what she's talking about? [confused ]

It's a really touchy area isn't it. People can change totally after someone has died, especially when there is a lot of £ and property left.

My beloved brother died suddenly in New York. His widow managed to avoid paying for a proper funeral by having him got rid of almost as rubbish.( you can do that there ) There was no funeral service, and she didn't tell my sister and I that there was going to be a Memorial service.

The effect on me of all this is still bad even though it was 24 years ago.

I don't think I would have thought of offering comments or opinions on who should have what after my dh's second parent died. I get on really well with his siblings and always have, but I'd have thought it was entirely up to them.
If I had offered an opinion I think they have been nice enough not to tell me I wasn't family, though! I don't think that was at all kind, not after 40 years.

On a related tack, when the mother of a SiL in a different branch of family died, there was a general invitation for 'family' to see which bits of her jewellery they might like to have.

On hearing this, apparently the wife of one of the woman's grandsons went and helped herself to just about the lot! My SiL and her siblings were incensed when they found out, and I'm glad to say the girl was made to give it all back.
In that case, 'family' did not include anyone by marriage, and quite right, IMO.

I've just remembered that my mother who died last year at 97, had often asked us to say who wanted what (she had some nice pieces of furniture) because she didn't want any squabbles after she died!

We invariably told her that there would be no squabbling - luckily we all get on well - unlike in her own family, where there was often bad feeling and this one bitching or niggling about that one. We would tell her that her family was the Awful Warning - we were NEVER going to be like that!
And so far, thank goodness, we never have.

The way I read cat lovers mail, she seemed to be offering an opinion. Not necessarily claiming something for herself. That's the way I read it anyway, and I prefer to give her the benefit of the doubt, and not pounce on her. Like some of the gransnetters on here, seem to be relishing. I'd like to know, if she was offering some suggestions, or claiming something.

I am very grateful to my in laws who have treated my children from first marriage as their own grandchildren. They have three other blood grandchildren. I don't have any children with their son as we were too old by then. As my in laws have grown older they have been rewarded for their kindness as my children now all grown up still travel over 100 miles several times each year to go to see them and help them out with any jobs that need doing. I don't know if they will be mentioned in their step grandparents will but I know they have given them years of love and I have always loved my in laws for treating my children so well.

I don't think this is about who gets what. We all know what happens when someone dies.

It's about the rude shock when you thought you were an accepted part of the larger family, and suddenly, you find out that you were always a foreign body!

Unfortunately, it often happens and it's rare for the inlaw to be accepted as one of the family. So take heart Catlover, and let them all pick the bones. It's not a reflection on you but on them.

they are not your blood so not family

catlover123 how rude of them, but now you know where you stand. Next time they need you think carefully

When my MIL died my husband wanted me to be with him when he and his brother cleared the house of her personal effects and I was just there in the background. When it came to sorting through her jewelery box his brother asked me to choose an item to remember her by which was very thoughtful of him.

I know the feeling. I learned many years ago of a rather nasty remark made about me from my husbands family.They never liked me and I will never know why.

I have been thinking about this subject and how I think my children would behave when I die. I think both my elder daughters would tell my DILs that it wasnt any of their business but my sons wouldn't say anything to my SILs. Perhaps women are more possessive.

My Dad died six years ago leaving everything to Mum and she passed away a year ago leaving everything to my brother and I, her two children. Both my brother and I have been married over forty years, but there was never any question of anything being left to either my husband, or my brothers wife. The expectation was that we would share our inheritance with our marital partners, which is what we have done, but the choice about whether to do that or not was left up to us. When we were clearing the house we asked our partners and our children if there was anything they wanted and my brother and I, now the owners, made the decision about who would have what. There was just one item which more than one person wanted and so we tossed a coin. We havent had any complaints.

When comes to inheritance, the DIL, are usually not included, no matter how long you've been married, you are not blood related and I presume that's what they mean and not that you don't belong to the family. Of course if you are mentioned in the Will, then you have every right to be in on the discussion.

I wasn't included in the family hearse (46 years married, DHs siblings divorced, with new partners). I sat with the congregation whilst my DH and his sister and brother were in the front row. Would have liked to have been by his side. She'd left notes as to whom the furniture etc would be left but it obviously didn't mean as much to them as it did to MiL, nobody wanted it and most went to the charity shop.

Leave them to it.
They obviously have issues among themselves and are using you as a punchbag.