Controlling DIL- how to protect DS

Just thought I'd add my experience to the mix.
Have you thought about the pressure that new mums are under these days with the advent of social media? Everyone posting pictures of their perfect parenting moments on Facebook, Snapchat etc.

She will probably have gone to an antenatal group where it all kicks off with expectations for the perfect (limited intervention) birth, to whose baby sleeps through the night first, baby led weaning experiences, first to crawl/walk etc. Then there's all the baby books written by the 'experts' containing all sorts of conflicting advice. (Bloody Gina feckin' Ford!) Besides unhelpful comments from strangers and 'well meaning' relatives.

I have a 7yr DS and a 3yr DGS.
Obviously, I was an older mum and reasonably confident about my parenting abilities but my poor DIL, despite being a highly educated (3 degrees) professional woman, really struggled to accept that good enough was just fine. She did seem overly anxious and controlling initially (cleaning the toddler's teeth after every meal and snack!) and followed a very rigid routine. We live in different countries so I wasn't around to give practical support.

However, they visited us a few months ago and I was so pleased at the change in DIL now DGS is 3.5yrs. She was very relaxed, teeth cleaning was just twice a day and even allowed him to share chocolate and sweet treats with my 7yr DS. She was back to her old lovely self and the visit was great fun. My step-son seems much happier too (although too attached to his phone at times).

My only bit of advice is to occasionally tell DIL what a great mum she is. I think my DIL needed to hear this to know that I was on her side, supportive of her and had no intention of criticising her parenting choices. From what I hear, I'm far less critical than her own DM so she sees me as an ally, I think.

I think,as others have said, there is little you can do or say that will not make things worse. It is hard (and believe me I know just how hard) but you just have to bite your tongue. Sometimes talking about it to others not involved can at least relieve your feelings even if it does not alter the situation!

Have you considered keeping your nose out of their lives?

My daughter was completely paranoid after her little boy was born. Her poor husband couldn't do anything right. She supervised and criticised everything he did for the baby while all the time complaining she never got a break! She took all advice, comment and shared experiences as criticism of her mothering skills. Basically, she was ill, very ill with PND. She is now recovered but terrified the same will happen now that another baby is on the way. She also says she will never get over the guilt she feels for being so mean to everyone, especially her long suffering husband. He is a saint! He's still there!

So cut the lass some slack. Help out in any way you can without being pushy. She'll get through this and so will your lovely son.

You stand well back and keep your nose out. Speak to your son if you like, although he has already got one controlling woman in his face, but I would advise you not to go interfering. He is a grown man, and sometimes men like bossy women for some reason. If you want to see your GS keep out of their quarrels.

I speak from experience. You could be talking about my own dil. However, over the years she has mellowed. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors, he might not want to start a family argument and wants to avoid a rift. Maybe he tackles her afterwards, in their own environment?

I think your son is married to one of my daughters, aquafish . They are both alpha females and #1 daughter is on her second partner, a 10 year old by her first and a 20 month old by the second, who has left, but the father of the first still has his son half the time and is practically a father to the newer child too, in spite of my daughter being VERY difficult to live with and very fussy. He'd move back in like a shot . When your child moves on to a partner and has a child grands get a membership card as grands and a zip. Listen, sympathise if asked to. Support and help but zip it.

I also agree with izzypopbottle. Some women have hormone imbalance after giving birth and they are oversensitive to any kind of criticism. Give her some slack. Go and find something to do while they argue. Don't take sides. They will work it out themselves.

Wisest to stay quiet unless you feel your DS is Depressed/Stressed, as others have pointed out DiL is probably feeling "out of her depth" as a new Mum - try to ensure that she is not really struggling with PND but is just a bit over anxious.

My DD was quite relaxed with DGS but she is a Qualified Nursery Nurse/Nanny which helped - strict on hygiene until DGS was about 1 then became even more relaxed - few anxious moments when he was ill.

Just be there in a quiet supportive role - I'm sure that will be appreciated

I forgot to add that #2 daughter's partner cooks, does building work on their flat to change rooms for their 3 month old son, is the CHIEF nappy changer as works from home and does lots of other stuff too. From the age of 3 at nursery that daughter used to come home and say "I hit a little boy today" and one day the teacher took her shoes away for kicking her. She did kick-boxing before she got pregnant....She's 41 now, late baby, laid back and so is gorgeous grandson

I'm in exactly the same situation, lots of really helpful advice

I would leave well alone. For all your good intentions it will be seen as meddling!
He married her for a reason, I'm sure he can deal with the situation as he sees fit.
I'm afraid all the concern in the world will not be well received.
Go and enjoy the day with them, offer help to stop dil feeling stressed.
Merry Christmas ?

Sussexgirl has already posted what I was thinking. We just have to learn to step back and be positive. Lips may be bitten, mine often are!

If your son holds down a challenging job, he could obviously deal with this if he felt it was needed. Maybe doing the "domestic" things allows him to relax after work?
Has she always been like this - in which case he knew before he married her and it wasn't an issue for him. Has this come on recently? In which case it may well change as time goes by. I remember being far more relaxed with my second and positively horizontal with my third!
Try not to stress about it.

I would urge you to say and do nothing, your son sounds just like our lovely youngest son, and your DIL just like his wife, we helped them all we could, didn't think we interfered, but all went wrong somehow, and our family is only now beginning to recover from the most awful time, our Grandsons don't know who we are, our son's have no contact with each other, my husband and I just live in hope that one day we will be a family once more.

It is heartening to see that so few posters fully understand what the OP is going through. I am happy that so many think it could be down to post natal depression etc but I see it rather differently.

I think the OP had probably thought of such things before posting. Most of us make excuses for people and are very understanding, far too much so, before we finally have to admit to ourselves that our dil is basically a selfish person. It hurts to acknowledge this even to ourselves so I sympathise with her.

There is nothing you can do about it except support you DS in whatever way seems best, smile and never let her know she has got to you. It's hard, good luck.

I think your son sounds like an absolute gem! You should be extremely proud he's doing his fair share.
My DH works and i was at home with the baby all day, it's not easy. He would come home and most of the time id done absolutely nothing apart from keep the baby alive!
He'd make ME food and do some tidying.
Even now they are abit older he will do cleaning/tidying/cooking, because i am his wife. Not a maid. We are a team.

I am also over anxious. Your DIL sounds like a normal first time mom. Your son will know she means nothing behind what she says.

Your son sounds like a great, supportive man and you sound like a lovley MIL

Whatever happens, the consensus of advice here is that it is not for her to interfere in any way at all. We may all sympathise with the OP but that will not help. Sound advice might. She has already spoken to her son - which in my book is a step too far - and it is important that she does not fuel to a fire that may result in not having a good relationship with this little family, and maybe even losing contact with GC. That helps no-one.

It looks as though things have moved forward in a more positive way, which is wonderful to hear. It is important that this step in the right direction is not derailed by saying the wrong thing.

"add fuel"

aquafish your son sounds like my eldest son, and my Dad, (who he takes after). Families find their own balance, hopefully.

This old saying is so true---
A daughter is a daughter all her life
A sons a son until he gets a wife

Enjoy Christmas and all the times in the future

Most new Mothers want to 'do it my way' like it says in the latest book on childcare. It always amazes me that new Mothers would rather listen to advice from their equally new Mother friends than take advice from Grandma. Strange as Grandma has seen and done it all so should be a valuable source of information.

Nonnie

Totally agree with you yet again!!

Your DIL shouldn't have to be grateful if your DS does his bit because they are both adults and should be both doing their bit without either of them having to be grateful for the other. Personally, I would have a word with your son and see if he is happy, otherwise I would leave well alone.

I agree with the others.Best to say nout,if your son was unhappy he would bail out.Things should work out and pnd could be the problem.

Lots of great advice do I won't give mine it's the same as everyone else's.i just want to share this conversation I had with my own son many years ago. I said "well she's very high maintenance and demanding" his reply " that's why I love her so much" I have my ups and downs with this particular DiL but I like her and I think it's because I too admire her strong personality, she's got guts and gumption. Some men like that in a women, they'll never be bored. . I think strong women make good marriages. Have a lovely Christmas it sounds as if she likes you.