Controlling DIL- how to protect DS

Is it just me and my opinion or do mothers with sons find it more difficult to 'let go' than mothers with daughters.?
Speaking from experience of my mum in law.

Don't say anything enjoy your Boxing Day with them and if all well say what good parents they have made .

Aquafish perhaps she is worried she is not meeting some kind of standard you are setting. I know you may well not be doing that, but people's perceptions of other people's behaviour and interpretation of anything they say can be very counter-intuitive.

The fact that she responded so well to your offer of cake and mince pies sounds hopeful. Why not go out of the way to say nice things to her, say how well she is looking after her baby and give her little gifts and treats that you know please her; a bunch of flowers, a magazine. Perhaps supporting her and thinking the best of her will make life easier all round.

Thanks for yet more constructive & thoughtful comments from this great forum. I must admit to feeling a lot more secure now, confident in how to be a supportive mum & MIL & show them both im behind them all the way. Nice warm feeling to start the festive weekend with- thanks a lot! Happy Christmas everyone!

Aquafish - I empathise entirely and have exact same circumstances this year - You may even have read my posts on this forum - I became quite depressed about it all. Seeing DS criticised in front of you is so very hard to take - it's like a double whammy you feel hurt because it's like being criticised yourself and feel hurt on his behalf too - used to make my stomach churn.
I concur with everyone else's advice you just need to keep quiet and let it ride. So very hard I know.
From your replies it sounds as if things are settling a bit for you - I'm so pleased, a big relief for you. My DiL has been a complete dragon this year - to everyone - but has now changed back into the lovely young lady she was, and all the instruction giving has disappeared...phew!

Enjoy your Christmas with your lovely family, and I wish you all a happy family life in 2017.

When baby number 2 comes along , God willing, it will change. Trust me - it happened to a DIL I love xx

Just a brief comment I entirely agree about doing nothing. I have a DIL who is very organised and controlling, but I realised recently that she has real problems coping when she makes a mistake. She has a job in which a mistake could be life-threatening and is very good at it, but I think she also tries to apply this to family life and that is so hard. Maybe your DIL has a similar problem and maybe your DS knows her better than you and cares about this. Take time and wait, you may find there is much more going on than seems obvious at first and all the organising is because she is a bit scared of disorder and the unexpected.

I had a DIL rather like that. Notice I said "had", as after almost 21 years they are divorced. She met an old boyfriend she knew when she was 16 and has now married him and my darling son is happy with a lovely new partner who supports him and with whom I don't always feel I'm walking on eggs when I speak to her.

I'm sure some mothers do find it difficult to let go of their sons sarah just as there are some d.i.l.'s who find it difficult to share their husbands with their mothers and in extreme cases, impossible.

Morethan2's story is so important! It shows that we can't really know what's in our AC's minds or what the dynamics of their marriages are. I know it must be terribly hard to see DS criticized and micromanaged this way, aquafish. But, unless he says something, you really don't know how he feels about it. He might even find it a relief after his challenging job or think it means DIL is a really caring mother.

If he doesn't like the way she's treating him, I'm sure, after a while, he'll take it up with her. No matter how much it bothers you (and it would bother me, too), as others have indicated, it's not your place to fight this battle for him. Your getting in the middle would only make it worse, I promise you.

Glad things are looking up and that you plan to take the advice you got here. Hope you had a great Christmas and that things get even better in the New Year!

Leave it for DS to sort.

DiLs who don't share their DH? Is DS a pudding?

"He does SO much in the house, laundry, majority of cooking, care for baby, up at night etc as well as hold down a challenging job." Your point?

Surely the point is,LOvey, isnt he having to do a bit too much assuming the DIL is currently on mat leave?

I wonder what would be said if the OP was worried about her DD instead of a DS ? would we all make excuses, after all the poor DD has to go out to work and look after the baby/do the housework/ walk on egg shells whilst being bullied and controlled ?
There is another thread on this site about coercive control, of course everyone is sympathetic (rightly so) to the women involved, pity the same is cant be said for men.

I wonder what would be said if the OP was worried about her DD instead of a DS ? would we all make excuses, after all the poor DD has to go out to work and look after the baby/do the housework/ walk on egg shells whilst being bullied and controlled ?

Its different because MIL/DIL relationships are often, maybe usually, ones of mutual tolerance rather than active liking, while MIL/SIL relationships are generally easier.
How many families take Mat GPS on holiday with them but not PAT? Many I suspect.

Helping DS is a real father, not a slacker.