I miss the man I married

Please get him to a doctor silver - this will be going nowhere if you don't.

My OH has had anxiety and bouts of depression for the whole time we have been married - it caused him to "retire" from the practice at the age of 42 - but he would never never admit that this is what the problem was, so no medical discharge and his pension is now rubbish. When I look back I should have been firmer about him getting help - he did for a short while but gave up on it in spite of the fact that he was improving - our family would have had a happier time for sure if he had had proper treatment.

So......I do know about depressed men refusing to acknowledge what is going on and to get help. This is why I urge you not to make the mistake I made and let him make his own decisions about this. If he really is suffering from depression then he will be unable to take rational decisions for himself on this issue. It is the right thing for him and also for you to get him some tratment.

As you know my OH now has PD and anxiety is a major symptom - so we have this for good now.

* silver lining * that happened to us too..B didn't want anyone to know,he stayed out late and overnight and I began to think he was having an affair totally out of character he said he felt the walls closing in on him and a voice in his head telling him he was worthless and a waste of space lead him to push me so far away from him,he continued to struggle in to work each day as the normality helped but he was very remote and detached from everything.our breakthrough came when I googled depression in men...which manifests differently to women and watched and replayed a video of a couple where the man suffers from depression and the scenario matched us in every way ...I managed to get him to agree to see the doctor and went with him it has been a long road and he now wants to come off medication ...But I feel it's still too early Dr wants him on them for another year

There may be a physical or "chemical" reason for depression - and other illnesses

This often includes lack of Omega-3, Vitamin D, vitamin B12 and exercise

I would like to suggest a course of action that you can both take together - in the kitchen and outside in the open air

Omega-3
Eat an average of 2 grams of Omega-3 every day. For the first 3 months this can be up to 5 grams a day. Omega-3 comes from oily fish like salmon or mackerel, chia and flax seeds and a little from walnuts.

You could take a natural fish oil supplement. Try and avoid the tiny amounts from supplements made in a chemical factory, as you may need to take 20 capsules to total 2 grams and it is not as effective as natural fish oil. You have to read the label and calculate how much omega-3 you are taking. Go to a health food store and ask their advice about "natural fish oil" and how to take 2 grams a day. I like the "SanOmega" natural fish oil from Amazon

Here are some articles that may be of interest:
draxe.com/omega-3-foods/
www.greenvits.eu/blogs/news/88500611-what-to-do-about-depression
www.expertomega3.com/omega-3-studies
www.fatsoflife.com/

Vitamin D
There are many studies that show how depression is associated with low vitamin D. More importantly, there are studies that show how boosting vitamin D helps to treat depression.

You could ask you doctor to test your vitamin D and advise or prescribe supplements, or you could go to your local health food store and buy high strength vitamin D supplements.

Between October and March in the UK we cannot get ANY vitamin D from the sun, so we have to get it from food or supplements. Search online for "foods highest in vitamin D", but remember that milk in the UK is NOT fortified.

The European Food Safety Agency says that any adult can take 100 micrograms (4,000 IU) of vitamin D3 each day without advice from a doctor. Vitamin D lasts in your body for 30 days, so you could take a large amount once a week. Ask your doctor for capsules with 500 micrograms (20,000 IU) to take 1 a week as an equivalent to about 70 micrograms (3,000IU) a day. You can adjust the adjust the number you take - for example you could buy capsules of 5,000IU and take 4 a week. Ask your doctor about a "loading dose" to start things off.

There is a "Call-To-Action" from some eminent scientists that say vitamin D blood level is more important than how much you take. Download this document from the link below and show it to your doctor.

Learn more here:
www.vitamindwiki.com/Depression
vitaminduk.com/2015/01/24/depressed-and-sad/
grassrootshealth.net/
www.grassrootshealth.net/media/download/scientists_call_to_daction_020113.pdf
www.vitamindcouncil.org/healthconditions
articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2015/01/22/depression-causes.aspx

Vitamin B12
Increasing vitamin B12 can help overcome depression. This can come from foods like liver, sardines, tuna and cheese, or you can take a supplement.

Learn more here:
draxe.com/top-10-vitamin-b12-foods/
articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2003/12/17/vitamin-b12-depression.aspx

Exercise
There is no doubt that modest exercise can help depression. That does not mean that you have to go to the gym. Lead your partner by the hand and take them for a brisk walk for 30-60 minutes and you will both come back refreshed

So here are some simple changes to diet and lifestyle that can make a tremendous difference to you and your partner

Let us all know what works for you
.

I have been in your position, Silver, so know some of what you are feeling. My husbands manner changed so much and I thought he was depressed but he was having none of it and refused to go to the doctors. It got so bad thst we split up after he started threatening me and he went back to England. Things did not improve there and he eventually reached rock bottom and considered suicide. He finally went to the doctor and was prescribed tablets which helped him a lot. An exmilitary friend suggested to me that maybe he was suffering with PTSD from his service in the army. This was later confirmed by a psychiatrist at Combat Stress who increased his medication and it worked better then. He also saw a counsellor on the NHS who worked with him for 12 weeks. I am very grateful for what she did because I now how my old husband back. He now sees an English speaking psychiatrist here every three months and as we pay he can call on her if he has any problems at any time during the 3 month period.

So don't give up because if he could accept that he needs medication to help him life would be so much better for you both. I do hope life gets better for you both.

Put the emphasis onto yourself. Tell him you need help to understand his condition, cos when you're depressed u can't always explain your feelings. I've had depression and anxiety for years, and kept stopping my medication frequently against medical advice because I wanted to be in charge of my own head and feelings! I made myself worse so many times . It took years to accept that I needed them, was told I had to be on for life because my brain stopped making a chemical. Interestingly, I had to take thyroxine because I didn't make enough of this hormone, and I'd no bother accepting that!, tell him in order to keep going yourself you need to come with him to gp.
Many folk don't realise psychiatrists are the ones who focus on getting the right melds at the right dosage and it can take a few changes to get it right. He needs to see one and u need to emphasise that it will only help him to be " normal" again, not doped up or hyped up. All available NHS but you need to be assertive for him . Emphasise it will only help him feel ordinary again, he has a chemical missing which needs replaced. I live an ordinary life on my Medes, and been well and stable a long time, and finally accepted I need melds daily.

My sympathies to you Silverlining. I have suffered from depression and the situation you describe at Christmas of putting on a show for the family mirrors exactly what happened to me about eight years ago. Depression was like being completely immobilised with absolutely no motivation whatsoever to try to do anything. I found counselling actually made it worse - all that ruminating and going over things. I guess different things work for different people. What worked for me was going on a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course at the Buddhist centre. I had stress, or more accurately anxiety, with the depression. The course lasted about fifteen weeks, involved daily meditation and was no picnic, but it worked. Around about session 10 I started to feel my mind clearing. There were about twenty of us on the course and nearly half were men. There wasnt much interaction between class members, presumably because none of us were feeling very sociable! but the shared experience of sitting in quiet contemplation with a whole room full of sympathetic and suffering souls was hugely comforting.

Auto spell! I mean meds! Medications

Ladies i do sympathise. My husband became a stranger and actually a monster. We had counselling which suggested depression. My absolutley normally fabulous husband started to accept he was human. We then discovered his type 2 diabetes was out of control. Ladies there is such a thing as the 'diabetes monster'. Pleas look into this as we had no idea how blood suggar impacts on mood and behaviour. Men are very poor at addressing their health or acknowledging soemthing is wrong and they need help. Hope you all find some support.

In 2015 I was trying to cope with my elderly Mum, who had crippling depression [didn't want to talk or eat] and with my daughter [25] who had depression alongside out-of-control asthma.

My dd, who lives very close to me, [eventually] could be persuaded to take therapy - an online service, which suited her as she is very computer-literate and didn't want to leave the house. My Mum lives an hour's drive away, and I cannot now transfer from my wheelchair into or out of a car, so I was unable to visit at all.

The breakthrough came when they put me on the same tablets as my Mum. Mine were to try as a painkiller, her's - the same drug - for her depression. She had read the 'side effects' leaflet and decided not to take them - until I took them too

We were able to compare symptoms on a daily basis. Gradually we went from a brief phone call [her choice of time] back to her usual half hour chats each day. And once she was taking the anti-depressants I was able to persuade her to take the psychotherapy sessions her GP had offered her.

In the meantime I was able to intervene when the neighbours wanted to hold a whip-round, as she spent every conversation with them saying she'd have to move to a cheaper house. [She had depression over the summer of 2009, and financial worries were the focus then, too.] In fact my late Dad had great foresight with shares and pensions so she is far better off than I am!

It has been a very long haul for both my Mum and my daughter, but I think they are both in a 'good place' now. But I am always on the alert for symptoms.

Good luck to you. It is not an easy path to appear cheerful, and keep persuading in the face of bleak and blank obstinacy!

If your dh is worried about the cost of private therapy sessions, then there are various services on offer through the NHS. Don't let him make expense an excuse!

My OH has become very strange recently, he argues all the time, cant agree with me on anything, thankfully he has started using a Gymn, but has become obsessed with this "new toy", and he has become a shopaholic, he has always enjoyed shopping, as I do, but he HAS to buy something every day, always for himself, for in the garage etc, I am getting fed up with this he will NOT accept he isnt as he used to be, he needs help, or soon I will need help ,so sorry if I am complainng and cant help Silverlining 47, but I am grateful I am not alone with problems, any helpful suggestions would be gratefully received.

Diidy1, it's interesting how some traits become exaggerated. You say your husband always like shopping but now it's an obsession. My husband was self effacing but now just wants to be anonymous, was easy going but now sees things as pointless. Relationships are a fine balance and I see myself changing in ways I don't always like to accommodate or react to these changes.

silverlining when I googled depression in men for my OH their depression can manifest in risky behaviours ,reckless spending , and promiscuity...the first 2 where definitely presenting from being happy at home to wanting to be out all the time

Also I didn't like how I reacted from being a strong independant person to a snivelling insecure wreck..the depression hit both of us like a ton of bricks

Both my husband and I have suffered from depression for many years. He was diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar disorder about 15 years ago. The diagnosis was a real game changer for us as it meant that he could receive the medication that really helped him - but it had to be 'tweeked' a few times before they got the dose right. It has been a long hard slog - but because I too am a depressive it helped me to recognise both the symptoms and how to support him - as he did me in return. I think it must be extremely hard to understand if you are not a fellow sufferer and of a completely different nature but it is not impossible to cope if you have a good support network from understanding family and close friends. If not, it could be a very lonely existence as the very nature of depression makes you isolate yourself and not want to mix (Forcing yourself to be normal - as in your Christmas experience Silver Linings, I can relate to how exhausting that must have been for him and you). I heard the experience being likened to 'wading through treacle' which is an excellent description. When you are going through it, nothing can convince you that you will come out the other side. However you will and you do. Hang on in there - I promise it will get better.

Downtoearth, I completely agree. I hesitate to use the word depression as, unless you've experienced it, people just think it means someone sitting around being miserable. But it takes so many different forms....unplanned absences, taking risks financially and otherwise, all sorts of health issues (as already mentioned) and accumulatively thay have a dramatic knock on effect to the person closest to them.

Thank you Gillyjp for a very sensitive and reassuring post.

Thanks RufusG for all your advice and links. I look forward to reading them.

The change in the relationship is an insidious and subtle one - it creeps up on you. Gradually I have been expecting less and less of my OH as his PD advances and there are ways in which I am his carer and others in which I am his partner. It feels a bit crazy at times, having to switch roles!

Sorry to hear about your husband. The problem with counselling and therapy us that you have to find someone you can relate to and that is even more difficult fir men who din't wush to be seem as vulnerable. It has to be the depressed person themselves who has to seek help, I know this from personal experience. Try and keep him intrrested in things, whatever that is and nature us a great healer, walking etc

I am sorry to hear about the problems with your husband ...totally understand as some years ago my wonderful full of life, workaholic (even at the age he was then, about 75) suddenly started to forget things ...eventually diagnosed as having suffered a mini stroke and then Peripheral Arterial Disease and a totally occluded left carotid artery which in turn led to several stents in veins in his legs and the right carotid artery, he then suffered a second mini stroke which left him with memory loss and an almost (I say almost) inability to remember anything except what happened 40 years ago, Like you say, he suddenly has flashes of his former self but for the most part is frustrated and angry because he has been told he must no longer climb ladders, drive, use his heave gauge hobby woodworking tools and bench saw ,,,and his personality has changed making him aggressive and demanding. Interested to read also about the man who like to spend ,,this is also my husband .....I try to save and he tries to spend. Every day ! There is something he cannot possibly 'live without' and going shopping with him is like shopping with a demanding child ...I want, I want, I got to have.......so much so that I creep out shopping on my own before he notices ,,,my normal spend for the weeks shopping is around 100 or less if I can do it, and when I took him this week it was nearly 230 ! I tell him we cannot afford to go on this way ! We have no friends and no family ....he has a daughter living in Kent, but sadly she is looking after her fiance who has terminal cancer so she has not been able to visit and my husband never mentions ringing to see how she is coping ...sometimes I give her a quick call just to check she is ok, but she always says I don't want to speak to Dad....only because I think, he has become very self centred and is incapable of thinking about anyone else (except the cat ! who is his life !)

I just read in one of the UK mags an article about this subject, which said that Dementia (of which he has a form ...diagnosed after a visit to the Neuropsychologist and a scan following his last stroke). I find the anger awful to live with ....I am a terrible person he keeps telling e ..he throws things around the room (including his dinner sometimes ! Still trying to get stain from lamb cops off the door frame !) Coping is as you say, extremely difficult ..sometimes after a particularly bad day where he has not spoken to me except to scream abuse, I do feel like leaving in fact often it is just as well I have no money and nowhere to go and would feel guilty ! Our lovely doctor says I can go and sit in her waiting room if I need to escape ...but that if I left he would not survive ! I feel sorry for him as well, from being such an active go getting type of person to what he is now !

BUT from what you say, it doesn't sound like your husband has had a brain scan ....to check for early signs of vasculaire dementia ....you could talk to your doctor about this and see how he.she feels ...first port of call I think ...if he is in denial, he could be told it is just a check as he has depression.

Some while ago Good Housekeeping Mag had an article about Narcissistic Personality Disorder which sounds just like my husband ! He could well have some other type of problem which could be eased by medication, cognitive behavioural therapy etc .....have a look at the Alzheimer web site where there are people you can talk to and a forum you can join ...it is not only for actually diagnosed Alzheimer sufferers and family but for anyone with any form of memory impairement. MIND may also have a forum (not sure its still called MIND ......

Best of luck ...difficult but as soon as possible you need a proper diagnosis on which to base how you move forward ! Good luck !

Dear everyone, I am quite overwhelmed by your thoughtful, thought provoking and kind messages. I am comforted and reassured by your honesty and stories of 'survival' and recovery. We hear about the issues of mental health nowadays and it's clear that it can affect any one of us and our nearest and most loved family. Thank you and ((( hugs)))) to you all.

My OH does his spending online! - doesn't even need to move from his chair! But...he does talk to me about his proposed purchases and takes my advice, even if it is not what he wants to hear. It does seem to lift hos mood to know that the postman might be bringing something that day. Bit sad really.

Perhaps Silverlining, your husband feels guilty and embarrassed about being depressed. So many people are dismissive of depression and like to tell you that you just have to snap out of it. If only it was that simple! If you have a physical illness then it's easy to accept that you need medication but somehow if the illness is a mental health issue, we tend see it as a weakness.

Like vampirequeen I would tell the doctor that I was "fine" (love her definition) because I was embarrassed that the formerly strong me wasn't coping. I finally realised after losing a job I really liked that I wasn't "fine" and needed long term help. The breakthrough came when I was told by a professional that IT WASN'T MY FAULT and that I was ill because my brain had run out of "coping chemicals". Once I accepted that depression is an illness and not a weakness, I was on the way to recovery.

I still take a maintenance dose of antidepressant every day. I wish I didn't have to but have found that if I try to stop it, I just start falling down that slippery slope again.

I hope you are able to convince your husband that he needs to see the doctor again, and to accept that recovery can take a long time. There's no instant fix, unfortunately. A good counsellor is a real help but sometimes he may have to try one or two to find someone he can relate to.

Silverling I sincerely hope you can sort things out and remember - you need to look after yourself too.

My DH is a spendaholic too. He could happily spend all day on the internet look for things to buy. All for himself. So easy with PayPal as he doesn't even need to get his credit card out. After a big spending spree while on holiday in America plus some rather ridiculous (to me) purchases on Ebay we now have an agreement that neither of us will buy any clothes or shoes this year . Plus he is not to buy anything on Ebay. I have cancelled all my emails from clothing companies and asked him if he had cancelled his. The poor man looked so stricken that I would suggest such a thing. But on the other hand he has had a quote for remedial work on his teeth and he says he doesn't have the money. So hopefully this will help him. Some people cannot understand why we dont have a joint bank but I would also be broke if we did.

Very sad thread . My late husband had dementia for 15 years (died almost 2 years ago). It is hard to live with a person who has changed substantially from the person one fell in love with, but try to make sure that you don't drop all your interests and friends, whatever the problem is. Try to keep hold of yourself and don't just become a nurse/therapist/housekeeper. The same applies when you are dealing with depression. To the ladies whose husbands have spending habits - this can be a sign of fronto-temporal dementia and also a side effect of some Parkinson's medications. Try to make sure you protect your finances and property. You can contact the Alzheimer's society for advice, or perhaps look at their website for information in the first instance.