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50 ways to save a marriage

(35 Posts)
Teetime Sat 21-Jan-17 11:26:59

There is a an article in today's Telegraph that gives us 50 things we must do to ensure a long and healthy marriage. DH and I are diligently going through to ensure we do all of this of course. We are going to 'have each others backs' - this is a great relief to me - his back is in much better nick than mine. we are going to 'big each other up' DH thought I'd said 'dig each other up' which would be funky. I wish I could find you the link - we found it very strange and funny and could easily be condensed in to - 'be kind to each other'.

NanaandGrampy Sat 21-Jan-17 11:31:29

I may have to 'dig' Grampy up then ;-)

Cherrytree59 Sat 21-Jan-17 11:41:43

As opposed to '50 ways to leave you lover'
Starting with 'get on the bus Gus'smile

MawBroon Sat 21-Jan-17 11:46:06

grin I would have read all 50 but DH wanted another cup of tea. grin
Can't find it in Google to post a link and it is WAY too long to cut and paste.
What is the DT coming to, though, to use phrases such as "bigging someone up"?
I remain, sir, your obedient dogsbody servant (?)
Disgusted,Tunbridge Wells

joannapiano Sat 21-Jan-17 12:29:18

I wish I was a better person and do all the things the article suggested.
But I'm not, so he'll just have to put up with me.
(And I,him.)

kittylester Sat 21-Jan-17 12:38:30

I suspect that having got this far, we would be best to just keep buggering on in the same old way!

Having said that, if you could just leave grampy's hole open, n&g, I might have a use for it!

Jalima Sat 21-Jan-17 12:41:39

I could do with DH's back today, his is better, mine is giving me hell!

I just had a quick look online and in May 2016 the DT only had 9 ideas to help keep your marriage fresh.
People who only followed those nine ideas must be heading for the divorce court now.

NonnaW Sat 21-Jan-17 13:25:40

Having gone through it my score came in the red - apparently our marriage is in trouble. Oops, must try harder blush

KatyK Sat 21-Jan-17 13:55:16

that expression 'have each other's backs' really gets my back up.

NanaandGrampy Sat 21-Jan-17 14:10:56

Kitty I was drinking my coffee when I was reading your post and actually spat my cough out it made me laugh so much !!

Grampy hole remains open....I've advised him!

Anya Sat 21-Jan-17 14:25:29


Araabra Sat 21-Jan-17 17:43:54

Link please.

Ana Sat 21-Jan-17 17:48:36

There isn't one, we've looked.

Araabra Sat 21-Jan-17 17:50:57

Maybe a sentence, so the post can be pulled. I can't find.

Teetime Sat 21-Jan-17 17:52:40

Its in the Weekend section 2nd page- 50 ways to save a marriage

Jalima Sat 21-Jan-17 17:54:47

Oh no, didn't buy a paper today

Jalima Sat 21-Jan-17 17:56:45

If it is that helpful they may put it online

We can live in hope
At least DH is hoping that one of the 50 ways is to realise that your husband is sometimes right (if only very rarely)

Greyduster Sat 21-Jan-17 19:23:44

The way I felt this morning, I would probably have rolled the DT up and beaten DH to death with it - in fifty different ways if necessary!! We are friends again now.

absent Sun 22-Jan-17 05:39:16

If it takes 50 ways to save a marriage, maybe it's not worth saving.

janeainsworth Sun 22-Jan-17 09:30:26

I found the long boring article online. Couldn't do a link but copied and pasted the 50 long boring tips.
1.Be a friend. Chat to your spouse, hang out, have their back.
2.Make time for sex, however unspontaneous, as it affects every other part of your relationship. Push on through if it's rubbish and remember that the physical side of a relationship almost always improves when there is underlying communication and happiness.
3.Buy into your relationship. ‘Decide, not slide’ into marriage and make this your mantra throughout. Adopt a mindset that there is no way out, and no one else. Divorce isn’t an option.
4.Break the rules sometimes. Get a takeaway on a Tuesday night, don’t wash the car on a Saturday. Shaking up the routine is healthy.
5.Don’t dent your spouse’s pride. This means no dwelling on the sexiness of somebody else or success of friends or colleagues. Big up your husband or wife.
6.Take an interest in your children and their needs. The same goes for your spouse’s family and their friends, however much they irritate you.
7.Make sacrifices for your spouse. Drop everything when they call, forgo things for them, try to put them first in all your decisions.
8.Prioritise your relationship over everything else including work and children. Do everything you can to make them feel cherished and loved.
9.Use the language of couples: ‘we’, ‘us’, ‘our’. This shows that you are committed to your marital unit.
10.Talk about the future. Make plans together, things to look forward to. You both need to know that your relationship has legs.
11.Be forgiving. Don’t hold grudges, let things go, accept that people mess up.
12.Care about your partner’s health and wellbeing. Know when they’re in pain or developing a migraine or backache. Be sympathetic when they’re ill or feeling down.
13.Don’t try to score points against your other half: ‘you left your trousers on the floor again’; ‘you didn’t empty the dishwasher’. Never helpful.
14.Likewise, never opt out of an argument. Slamming doors and driving off gives the message that you don’t care. Hang in there and be gentle.
15.Work out what makes them happy and do those things often.
16.Don’t bang on about your own views and ideas all the time. You don’t need to ‘teach’ your spouse new things.
17.Be aware that gender stereotyping – he takes out the bins, she does the laundry – isn’t the only way. Be more open minded and decide together how you want to divvy up boring chores.
18.Sporadic acts of kindness are key: tea in bed, a morning off the school run, a sweet text message. Your spouse will feel more loving towards you if they know you are thinking about them.
19.Go out together at least once a month, not always to the same place. New research from Marriage Foundation shows that parents who go out monthly – but not weekly – are more likely to stay together.
20.Remember birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day and make an effort to give your spouse something that they’ll really like.
21.Be honest if you’re unhappy. Men don’t get subtle hints and some women don’t either. It can be helpful to put your thoughts in a letter or email.
22.Take an interest in who they are, their interests, what they find funny, what makes them sad.
23.Remember that equality doesn’t work when it comes to responsibility. You’re going to have to take the lead in some departments, whereas your spouse will be in charge of others.
24.Don’t always think the worst or take what your spouse says a criticism. See the best in them, remind yourself that you’re a team and you love each other.
25.Go away together without kids for at least one night a year. Take it in turns to choose somewhere exciting and to book it.
26.Only confide in friends you know will prioritise your marriage in any advice or support they give you. Most struggling couples don’t need therapy or counselling, they just need practical inspiration and hope.
27.Shine light on your spouse. Tell them they look lovely and congratulate them on achievements however small. If compliments aren’t your thing, make them your thing.
28.Take charge: get the children’s homework done; book that hotel; pay that parking fine. It’s irritating if one person takes a diminished responsibility – you feel as if you’re always asking them for favours.
29.Be open to the fact it might be your fault your relationship is drifting apart. If in any doubt book some individual counselling sessions or the go on the Marriage Course.
30.Don’t compare your marriage to anyone else’s. You never know what really goes on behind closed doors. Cherish your unity as something beautiful and unique.
31.Every so often, take a moment to consider all the reasons you love your spouse. Think back to what attracted you to them when you first met.
32.Likewise don’t neglect the person you were when you married. Don’t give away too much of yourself to work and children.
33.Be kind. Always. This means being sensitive to the things that make them angry, sad and frustrated and going out of your way to make them happy.
34.Accept that men and women are different. We think, feel, communicate, make decisions and behave in different ways. Men tend to focus on or think about one particular thing at a time whereas a woman’s brain is like a room filled with spinning plates.
35.Also accept that certain situations can unavoidably change someone: having a baby, for example, or the death of a loved one. They might develop a different mindset or attitude towards life – be accepting of this.
36.Be reliable. Follow through with plans and be true to what you say. Answer their text messages swiftly and be on time.
37.Maintain a degree of your own privacy and respect your spouse’s boundaries. Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of a shared bank account or an open-door bathroom policy. Keeping an element of mystery does not reduce your intimacy.
38.Listen, really listen to each other. This also means picking up on the underlying feelings in what your spouse is saying.
39.Hang out together. Over a coffee in town or weeding in your veg patch or the kitchen late on a Saturday night. Enjoy simply spending time with each other.
40.Do activities together that give you no choice but to live in the moment: bike rides, skiing, golf, jogging around the park.
41.Kiss and cuddle and tell your spouse you love them. Hold their hand. Say hello and goodbye and thank you.
42.Always say exactly what you mean. But kindly.
43.Don’t be distracted. Look away from your phone or the TV when they’re talking to you – and if you genuinely can’t focus, ask nicely if it can wait until afterwards. Then give them your undivided attention.
44.Know their trigger points or ‘red flags’. Some people get fired up when they are hungry, tired, guilty or lonely. Set a moratorium on any kind of conversation – and an amnesty if either of you snap – during the half-hour it takes to de-stress after putting young children to bed.
45.Discover their ‘love language’. They’ll respond best to one of the following: time, words, actions, gifts or touch. You can read all about it in Gary D. Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages (
46.Tread carefully with those subjects that habitually lead to arguments. It might be the children, or a particular friend, or the mother in law.
47.Don’t put them down, particularly in front of your children, parents or friends. No eye rolling or telling them what they’re thinking or feeling is idiotic or wrong. You are both wonderful. In turn, tell your spouse when their negative messages are upsetting you.
48.Establish rituals: special ways of celebrating birthdays and Christmases, annual trips and film nights in bed when it’s raining.
49.Learn how to heal your spouse after an argument. Discuss how to resolve conflict. Get good at saying sorry – and meaning it.
50.Don’t expect marriage to be easy. Even if you follow all these suggestions, times of happiness and sadness will come and go. Remember that unhappiness is not a permanent state and it is certainly not the end of a relationship.

Teetime Sun 22-Jan-17 11:22:53

Love it greyduster juts how I felt when DH was perforating my ear drums with his coughing.- Oh and now he is sneezing!!

Jalima Sun 22-Jan-17 11:42:20

Make time for sex, however unspontaneous, grin
"Well dear, it's Friday night, we're both tired but I suppose we had better get the deed over and done with because it's Friday"
Buy into your relationship
What on earth does that mean? How much does it cost?
Big up your husband
No, I intend to put him on a diet
You both need to know that your relationship has legs.
Maintain a degree of your own privacy
Does it mean stop him peering over my shoulder when I am on GN?
Listen, really listen to each other
I keep telling him to listen to me but he just won't learn
Know their trigger points or ‘red flags
His is when he gets 'hangry', mine is when he won't LISTEN!!
learn how to heal your spouse after an argument
I have never got that cross with him shock
Don’t expect marriage to be easy.
I think I found that out in the first few months

Thank you janea - as some tennis player used to say 'You cannot be serious!'
Hilarious though.

janeainsworth Sun 22-Jan-17 13:12:43

jalima grin the one thing that annoys me about MrA is his habit of peering over my shoulder when I'm on GN and his generally censorious attitude to my use of social media hmm

janeainsworth Sun 22-Jan-17 13:18:06

Apparently to have someone's back means to 'to look out for their interests or well-being'.
I had to look that up.
I didn't realise the D Tel was so down with the kids.

Ankers Sun 22-Jan-17 13:30:30

Take an interest in your children and their needs?

What sort of marriage is it? shock

Answer their text messages swiftly?
Drop everything when they call?

Guilty. I do not go swiftly!