mother/daughter relationships.

Sorry, I have no bright ideas about how to find the right sort of counsellor, but just wanted to say what a wise move on your daughter's part. So often inter-personal difficulties can be ignored on the surface but simmering away in the background which does nothing positive for the relationship. The fact that you're both willing to work on your relationship is encouraging - I hope it goes well and that you both reap the rewards in the future.

Try googling Family counselling to see if there is any thing specific in your area . xx

Do you really need counselling or would a few meetings round the table with a lot of coffee and cake help you draw up the ground rules for sharing your house? That's what I would do I love my daughter to bits but she's a nightmare to live with - so messy!!

You can actually Google 'mother and daughter counselling' which might get you local resources that were specific. Relate do family and parental counselling as well as couples, they could be a good place to start.

The one thing that occurred to me is that counselling can bring a lot up, often more than you thought there would be. You know how serious the issues are between you and your daughter but it may be difficult to come home and be together if very uncomfortable feelings and differing points of view arise.

I had a difficult time with my oldest daughter when she was late teenage/early adult. She was seeing a counsellor at the time and some of the things that she was troubled by were difficult to deal with and required a deep breath, lots of patience and seeing things from her point of view - things that she was carrying resentment about but which we had done with the best of intentions or lack of awareness.

You only have to look at the estranged families thread to see how wrong things can go in even apparently happy families, so do be cautious. You might even consider going to separate counsellors. Don't feel you must jump for the first counsellor either, make sure you both like the person and feel comfortable with them and that they have reasonable qualifications.

Good luck and all the best for your time together, sounds wonderful to me!

Could I ask what it is you are hoping to get out of the counselling? Is it because you and your daughter haven't lived together for a long time and, having previously had difficulties, you both want to set out "ground rules" in advance. If this is the case I'm sure, as teetime suggests, a good chat over coffee and cake might suffice. However, if it is something more serious, counselling may do the trick. I just worry as I've had counselling myself and obviously I went on my own. This gave me the opportunity to say how I saw things without someone else contradicting me (everyone sees things differently). Good luck

Imo, those "underlying issues" could easily come to the surface and cause major drama if not addressed. Good for you and dd to be seeking counseling! I don't have any advice on how to proceed, but I'm wishing you both the best!

I would echo Azie09s post. If she is only staying a few months it's likely that you wouldn't secure an appointment before your daughter had moved on anyway. I doubt most of mums of teenage girls haven't had some sort of issue with them at some time. You say that there are some "Underlying issues that we need to address" yet do not specify what these are, counselling undoubtedly has its value, however, this seems to be for a short term fix for a short term arrangement. I wish you and your daughter well.

I would think it could be stirring up a hornets's nest. As Teetime said, coffee, cake and ground rules should be enough. I think issues should be left alone unless they are enormous!

We've had daughters bounce back on an alarmingly regular basis - it hasn't been easy lots of the time but a sense of humour and lots of love go a long way to easing any problems. Also, for you, ranting on GN would be good.

Good luck!

I have had quite a lot of counselling
It can be very painful at first as u are digging up stuff you have kept buried for years. It is well worth it tho! Be honest with your counsellor. Good luck.

I think I agree with sitting around the table with a coffee and just agreeing on what is acceptable and what is not when living together. Apart from counselling being expensive it can bring up memories that are best forgotten. I don't really need to know if I annoy my daughter deep down ( I probably do) as long as we get on and reject each other enough not to hurt each other's feelings then that's ok. If I knew all the things I did that annoyed her I think I would never get it out of my head. Sort it out together without anyone interfering.

I think it may do more harm than good. Depends what the issues are of course, as seen from both "sides". All sorts of hurtful things might come out, and it may actually make it harder to then live together, because one or both of you is feeling shocked and upset at the revelations. It may all be fine of course, you know your family history. Could you not first try the honest and loving coffee and chat just between the two of you?

I have to say, that recently my cousin's daughter had therapy / counselling and where they had rubbed along as Mother and Daughter before, things changed drastically afterwards with the DD hardly able to talk or smile at Mother.My cousin had thought that they had a fairly happy childhood and didn't know why DD felt she needed therapy sessions.So, yes, I feel a bit about it, unless you know of deep dark reasons for needing counselling, I would have an hour or more sitting together and talking and also a lot of listening.The other thing is that it is not all about your DD, your own feelings come into it as well.

Rereading your post, Op, I see it's your dd who suggested counseling. In that case, I suggest that you agree to at least look into it even if, as judypark says, it may take you a long time to get an appointment. Or maybe just say "ok" but let her find the counselor, etc. (She might prefer that, anyhow).

But it you flat out refuse, it may just add one more hurt to any hurts that are already "underlying." Think about it.

This is striking a chord with me. I have a similar dilemma except that my daughter lives in the USA and isn't 'speaking' to me at all at the moment. I do fear she has some real, deep seated issued and I have started to wonder if I ought to try and bring up the subject of 'joint counselling'. (I am already having counselling here.) I am at my wits' end - the situation is the worst it's ever been in the last twenty years since she married and moved to USA. I will be very interested to follow this thread. I personally think it's a good idea despite what it might 'dig up' - much better to air the problems and then deal with them, rather than let them fester (which is what's happening with me and my daughter.) Very good luck...

Counselling did not work for myself and my DD and sadly now we are estranged, it made things worse.We only live a few minutes from one another, with no other family nearby. It is very isolating and had made things extremely difficult. I would not recommend unless you are both whole heartedly up for it. It now means I am not allowed to see my two Grandhildren either. I am truly heart broken and it has affected their Grandad too and the rest of my family who feel they can't visit. Sorry, just my experience. Hope it helps in some way

Counselling is a very dangerous way forward in any situation, do be careful!!! It is promoted as the panacea for all ills now but as we see above it can male things worse. I have a friend who following counselling insisted her father had sexually abused her, destroyed the family, turned to drugs, lost her kids to care.........it was of course all nonsense as her dad had been incarcerated for the whole of her childhood when she claimed it had happened.

You could be risking the relationship you have now for something defined by someone else inaccurately.

I trained in counselling and was dismayed at the havoc I saw colleagues wreak in there people's lives........I decided to stay away from it.

I'd echo what others have said. I'd think very carefully about why your daughter has suggested counselling, for what, on the surface, seems to be a temporary house share that could be resolved over coffee as others have suggested.
My daughter came out with some comments during a very stressful time, that I will never be able to forget and which destroyed any positive relationship I can have with my son-in-law. From her subsequent behaviour I know she deeply regrets saying what she did and on the surface we all have a good relationship now, but once something has actually been said, nothing can erase it and it colours everything subsequently.
There are some things in any relationship which are best left unsaid & brutal honesty, especially about events in the past which cannot be changed, can be difficult for everyone to live with afterwards. Some things cannot be healed (though it is an unfashionable thing to say these days) and simply have to be lived with in the best way you can.
I don't want to discourage you or anyone who might find counselling helpful, but it's important not to be too rosy eyed about it as a cure-all. You have to be prepared to find it painful. If your daughter needs to say things through a third party and feels she can't just chat through them comfortably with you, then they are going to involve things that are hard to say and hear. However with goodwill on both sides you can achieve much. Just be prepared and honest with yourselves first, good luck with it and be careful of your choice of counsellor!

If you are looking for a counsellor I think the relevant NHS Choices page is a good starting point for advice, and then the web page itsgoodtotalk.org.uk will help identify practioners available in your area. Not sure if I am allowed to post links on here but I think either of these should come up on Google. Hope this helps.

My dd & I did some family counselling when she was a teen. It didn't go well. Unfortunately my daughter felt because I couldn't agree with her on all matters meant I was being obstructive and difficult. Everyone has their own views and recollections of things.
I hope you can see things on the same level and prepare yourselves for the possibility of a rough ride before it gets better ?

Your local council must advertise a service otherwise you have to go through yours doctor which is the NHS which I did when my son died. There is a page on line in my area called street life people advertise on there

I agree absolutely with radicalnan and wilygran. There is no guarantee that counselling will help to resolve longstanding issues that may be the result of past actions or things said that were painful and cannot be undone/unsaid.

I had counselling in the past for mother-daughter issues (I was the daughter). It only helped as an outlet for expressing my feelings and didn't really help me in any other way. The counsellor said just before the sessions stopped that it was my fault I hadn't made progress because I didn't want to change. Amazing!

When my son needed counselling we were advised to go as a family to a very expensive family counsellor who seized on the fact that I had had counselling in the past and said out loud that I was the cause of my son's issues! All at our expense.

Some mother-daughter issues can be helped (I won't say resolved) simply by acknowledging that things said or done in the past caused pain, by saying what these things were and why they caused pain and both sides saying sorry. Dee - only you will know if this is realistic.

I hope this helps.

Try going to www.itsgoodtotalk.co.uk which is the british association for counselling and psychotherapy site. There is a search option for relationships. Many counsellors offer a free chat to see if it is what you are looking for. Good Luck.

I agree that past actions can't necessarily be undone, etc. But sometimes I think it helps if people own their wrong words/actions and apologize for them. Sometimes, as Ramblingrose says, this can be done in a private conversation. But sometimes, I think people need counseling to even see where the mistakes were.

Dee, if dd has aired her issues in the past and you have brushed them off, that may be why she wants to involve a counselor. If you can own your mistakes, if any, and promise not to repeat them, maybe she won't feel the need for joint counseling anymore.

Wild guess - Do you tend to tell her what to do/criticize her choices even though she's an adult? That might be what she's worried about. If that's it, let her know it won't happen again and then make sure it doesn't. That might make all the difference.

This isn't about ground rules for sharing the house, my daughter is 38 and has very similar standards to me and we positively enjoy cooking together.
I didn't share what the underlying issues were because I don't think social media is the place to do that on behalf of another person.
We have both had personal counselling in the past which was positive though I agree things can get worse before they get better. I don't feel I'm being bounced into something unwillingly, she will be staying close by when she gets a place of her own and has moved back because she wants to be near to me and the rest of her family. I want our relationship to be the best it can be. We are both quite brave at tackling difficult circumstances and I hope we can move forward positively. Hopefully I'll be able to post good results in a few months time. I have used Google and come up with a list of suitable counsellors which we'll go through together.
Thank you to everyone for taking the time to answer I have never initiated a post before and some of the replies were very empathetic and sensitive.