mother/daughter relationships.

Lots of good comments re caution. Thinking back to the situation I/we lived through, I'd say key questions to ask yourself about digging up the past (and that's what counselling does) are:

Can you really listen (without interrupting or listening while preparing a reply in your own mind)?
Can you apologise even if you think the accusation wasn't reasonable or you feel misunderstood?
Can you refrain from self justification? i.e. avoid saying 'oh but we didn't know' or 'we were only doing our best'?
Can you handle your own grief and deal with criticism?
Can you go on saying 'I love you' in myriad ways without expecting the same in return even though you might hope for it.

The hard lesson for us was seeing that once grown, your children really are adults with their own perspective and life path. You have to accept that totally and be humble in your loving.

Maidmarion, I agree with you, but how can you and dd do joint counseling if you live in 2 different countries? Do you have any idea what those "deep seated issues" might be? Maybe you can run them by your personal counselor and they can help you figure out what to do to begin to heal this rift.

Orangelmom, it sounds like counseling brought some very painful issues to a head for you and dd. That would have happened anyhow, at some point - counseling just made it happen sooner. I hope someday dd will reach out to you again - she must miss you, at least a little - and perhaps then the 2 of you can try again.

Ramblingrose, you seem to have had 2 bad experiences with counseling. So sorry! I've never heard of a therapist holding it against a client that they had counseling in the past or blatantly telling them they were the "cause of all (their child's) problems!" That's bad counseling, if you ask me and very unprofessional! I'm sorry you had to face that!

But you seem to have gotten something out of it all - the value of acknowledging mistakes and apologizing for them. So there's been some good there. I would just add the value of making up one's mind not to repeat those mistakes.

Counselling Directory is excellent. You seek therapists in your location and read about each. My dh is a psychotherapist who sometimes sees couples. Usually it's a couple of sessions together, then some individual sessions, another together again...

What is clear is there are no secrets, ie you can't Slag off the other person in private - issues raised can get discussed with the other...

R3alky works for those who are engaged, ie not one party unwillingly there

Good luck, Dee. Ten years is a long time and you both certainly have not stagnated emotionally as individuals, but changed over time. Hopefully this will help with perspectives in counselling vs if you had still been in each other's pockets in the preceding years.

It sounds like you are both aware of positives & pitfalls. Get the best you can afford & look at the different kinds of counselling & therapy. After studying many types of therapy etc & having had excellent & a few rubbish preactitionera, I found Adlerian therapy excellent for family situations. His work is the basis to most modern self help therapies though they've often been stripped down too much of the underlying philosophy & his influence is rarely acknowledged. His work was decried by Freudians in this country so it's better known in e.g.Australia, USA, Ireland & Israel - & Guernsey & used a lot in schools. It is very practical & the co-relationship between client & therapist should be an equal one. Unlike Jung & Freud, Adler took social context into account. As ever, it's the quality of the therapist that's all important & worries about how you resolve issues that come up should be discussed beforehand. Deeper issues aren't neglected but only if relevant to a particular issue & not without ending with practical steps to resolve it or accept it's something you both live with. Mediation may be more appropriate for some than in-depth therapy. I like the idea above of mixing joint & individual sessions. Some experiences described above are just bad counselling & the people should be reported to their accreditation body.

Dee - what part of the North are we talking about? I had mother/daughter issues as my mother was narcissistic which has had a real impact on my life and outlook. I got a lot of help when I went to a Lancashire based counsellor and would thoroughly recommend her.

Why not just sit down with your daughter and discuss the issues, can't see for the life of me why you need to rush into counselling afterall you say you have a good relationship so much so that she is moving up near to you. I just feel as Radicalnan and others say that it could do more harm than good. I will also say that I have a dificult time with my daughter at times but talking it through with her I realise where we go wrong and make and we both make an effort to
Ut it right. Good luck.

Should have typed get it right but fingers and brain dont seem to work together at times

Just saw your latest post, Dee. Sounds like you and dd know what you're doing. Good luck and let us know how it turns out!