Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. But, Jammy, your mum hasn't really asked for forgiveness, has she? Because she hasn't admitted she really did anything wrong, so how could she ask for forgiveness? She hasn't truly apologized - not for what she needs to apologize for, not for abandoning for failing to protect you from abuse as a baby, leaving you with an abusive father or treating you abusively, herself, in later years.
In fact, she continues to abuse you, in a sense, by denying your perception of what happened, dismissing your painful feelings, and trying to protect her own ego at your expense. She doesn't want to face the fact that she's a mother who hurt her child so badly, so she's trying to confuse you and make you doubt your own memory and experience.
That's a lot of emotional abuse, one thing piled on top of another, for her to acknowledge, let alone apologize for. She probably won't do either. Can you forgive her for all that if she doesn't even admit to it? I don't think I could.
If you need to forgive her for your own sake, then go for it. But if not, or if you can't, then please don't try to force yourself. She doesn't merit it and again, she hasn't truly asked for it.
Do you need to be able to forgive her in order to go see her? I think so. Otherwise, imo, it will be very painful for you both. But only you can know how you feel about that.
Still, I agree with pps that your therapist will best be able to guide you. If that doesn't work, listen to what your gut is telling you. My heart is with you, whatever you decide. (((Hugs)))
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