Continued support and fun aspects too of rebuilding lives after estrangement can't believe 4 years and we still here to offer help, friendship and support.

Well done Penstemmon for 'keeping a blank canvas* - would that we could all do the same, but sometimes our feelings get the better of us.

Janeainsworth. Sorry, but whether intentional or not, you did come across as judging Smileless' reactions to not seeing much of her DS whilst he was back in the UK.

She is feeling very down and disappointed. Who are we to say she should feel any different...

I think Smileless undersands perfectly that her son`s priority is with his wife and her family at the moment. But that doesn`t mean that she shouldn`t feel very disappointed not to be able to see more of him when he is only in the UK for a short time. She ought to be able to express her disappointment on this thread without fear of being critisised

Nobody has criticised or judged! People have made comments and observations in response to Smileless' disappointment. If they are not being OTT with sympathy does not mean they are criticising or judging

Those of us who are more 'cup half full' might be saying, "I was so lucky to see my DGCs for a few days when they came over for their 'other' grandad's funeral."

I personally find that looking for the positive helps me maintain a more upbeat approach to life even when it is incredibly tough.

eddiecat why would you be disappointed? A family came for the funeral of the wife's father & children's grandfather and managed to fit in some days visiting the other grandparents. How lucky they had some time to spare and did not just have to come for the funeral and fly back. Many folk would have to do that.

If I am reborn - I want to be Holier Than Thou.

I want to be perfect, have all the right thoughts about everything and know how to behave correctly in every given situation.

I never want to let my emotions get the better of me and I never want to express my sadness or disappointment on a support forum.

fairydoll if your comment is aimed at me I can assure you I am far from perfect and my life is not straightforward.

On this thread people have talked about 'walking a mile in my shoes' well you have no idea what my life is like so before you start with your bitchy comments you think before you post.
If I choose to try to make the best of my difficulties and not wallow in self pity or expect sugary stroking from people that is a perfectly legitimate choice. I think support and rebuilding lives can be helped by a bit of hardening up and not endless "poor you"!

Comment is aimed at no one in particular Pentstemmon.
It was tongue in cheek anyway - not 'bitchy.'

However, would respectfully remind you that this is a Support thread.

We all have problems, otherwise unlikely we would be on a Support thread.

Smilelss ??

It was thoughtless of your son after dh took day off

Guess shock of sudden death has been very hard to cope with all round.

Jainsworth am sure you didn't mean to judge but like smilless I am estranged from one beloved child and boy do we look forward to hugs from one we can see even worse for smilless when her son othernside of world normally.
It is not really the same if you arent estranged that understanding would not be there no judgement here am very pleased you arent a tragic loss I would t wish on anyone,

Penstemon we are all happy to help support you or indeed anyone but I also like to remind you that we don't want this thread to have unkindness on it please.

We all cope in our own way and personally I feel no need to rehash my sadness we are all at different stages.

However the insinuination of your post is not really what this thread is about indo hope youmwont take offence at that reminder?

You know nothing about me celebgran, so please don't start judging me.
As penstemmon says, support does not have to be given in the form of agreement with someone's perception of a situation. In fact if they have a 'blind spot' about something, it's actually less than helpful to maintain that perception.
Sometimes it's actually more helpful to present another way of looking at something, which is all I was doing.

Oh dear - very 'touchy.'

Sure, we all appreciate the 'support' offered by Jane and Pens.

Just find it everso slightly patronising because, of course , estranged parents are totally aware that there is 'another way of looking at things' but sometimes it is well nigh impossible to put that into practice. That's why they come on here for support.

I am not the one who has been unkind!
Pretending a pointed and unkind remark was "tongue in cheek" is disingenuous.
I tried to offer support but it was apparently not the right kind of support

Of course it is difficult to see things differently when you are in the middle of a situation, Fairydoll.
That's why it's helpful sometimes to have an opinion from someone who is not emotionally involved.
But don't worry, I shan't waste any more time on the subject since you make it obvious that other opinions aren't wanted.

Fairydoll?

likewise jainsworth we don't choose to be judged either

Far more is said in pms amongst friends on here so don't judge just what you read alone,

. I think support and rebuilding lives can be helped by a bit of hardening up and not endless "poor you"!

What a horrid Insinuatiion and how very pompous pemstemmon

If I choose to try to make the best of my difficulties and not wallow in self pity or expect sugary stroking from people that is a perfectly legitimate choice. I think support and rebuilding lives can be helped by a bit of hardening up and not endless "poor you"!

Oops penstemon missed worst quote sugary stroking? Endless poor you!
Are these comments meant to be constructive?

Mmmmm totally understand fairydoll reaction

Go wallow!

this is getting totally out of hand Again. Poor Smileless sees very little of her son as he lives in Australia so of course she was looking forward to spending time with him. And of course she would be disappointed not to be able to spend as much time with him as she thought would happen. She is then accused of being unreasonable for having perfectly understandable feelings.

Then we are back into the old argument that people being offered support need to be shown another point of view.
Actually - No - sometimes we don`t need educating - we just need a bit of kindness to get through the darker days.

Many people have family who live miles away and who cannot see their family as often as they would like to. I am not unsympathetic at all to the dreadful pain of separation or estrangement.
It is the narrow view of what might constitute support and help that I find hard to appreciate.

Penstemmon

'Go wallow'. So now you're posting what you really think

Very revealing. I rest my case.

Pen and Jane, the definition of support seems to be different to this particular crowd of women.

I was pilloried for having sils (dd's husbands) who have CO their mums, presumably for decent reasons. I was using them as an example and that is not an example that fits to 'there, there, there' way of dealing.

Thus, I believe your sorts of introspective thoughts are not good here.

Surely the bereaved take priority.......??

Katek seems not....

Nobody has said that the bereaved shouldn`t take priority. Smileless was just expressing very natural disappointment at not being able to see her son as much as he first indicated.

I take offence at the implication that this "particular crowd" is wallowing in unhappiness. Most of the time we encourage each other to move forward despite our underlying unhappiness.. We actually share a lot of humour and optimism. Most of the time we are successful in keeping ourselves occupied and motivated. Sometimes we despair and need some empathy and kindness. We don`t need to be told to look on the bright side.
I can assure you that we have already looked at our situation from every possible angle and done every possible thing to try to improve it.

Hard to believe how the nasties are surfacing again.

Well said eddiecat

Sadly there is a little regular band of posters on gransnet theat seem to resent the friendships built over years on this thread.

Sad lives they must live to get a buzz out of such horrid posts

One can imagine them bullying at schools in younger day