Continued support and fun aspects too of rebuilding lives after estrangement can't believe 4 years and we still here to offer help, friendship and support.

Yes Penstemmon and sometimes my children spend time together without ME!! How could they?! Not that I wanted to go to wrestling anyway...........

I don't really believe anyone (parents, AC, GC) need to "sort anything out in advance" if that means deciding beforehand exactly what one is doing (daily, hourly) on a long trip.

Good grief. When we fly out to visit we don't make a daily schedule, we just let whatever happens happen, no sticking to preplans as there are too many variables.

Smileless, I think it sounds as if you merely wanted more than they could give, happens often does it not? I well remember having more time for what I wanted than what my mum wanted. Our daughters have a lot more time for their own agenda than I would like, but I have my yearly reflective sad and all is well. Really, that is what you did in this situation, well done you.

Gosh!Where can you watch wrestling?? Used to spend Saturday afternoon with my grandpa watching wrestling on TV!

They actually go and watch it live at their local -dives- community centres

Oh it didn't strike through.....

For goodness sake! Why the protracted dissection of Smileless'sadness that she didn't spend as much time with her DS as she would have liked?

Flippant comments ..'Why would I want to go to the wrestling anyway.'? Maybe YOU have ample opportunity to see your AC at other times?

You do yourself no favours. If you want posters to 'listen', you're on the wrong track. Maybe take some of your own advice , possibly?

Can you drop it, PLEASE!!

Oh dear Penstemmon, not allowed to talk to anyone on this thread except the "gang".......

Hi to all, this is my first post. As you can see by my user name, I'm not a Gran but joined some time ago due to a frosty atmosphere with my own daughter. It's not so bad now but hanging on by a tenuous link, I wish it was better.

What I think the visitors and the Cambridge study missed, is that we don't know what we've done wrong.

Every one who replied to that study could pin point a reason having had most likely to tick a box. Whereas most if not all on here, myself included are baffled.

A row or rift in a loving family can be healed. Not knowing is the common cause of distress and sadness on this board.

What I did find interesting to have confirmed as I'd already noticed it, is that this happens more frequently with women between the ages of 25 to 34. There will be many reasons for that, which wasn't explained.

I was told, "My boyfriend thinks you're odd as you're only ever here when I need you."

I would have thought then I was the ideal mum. Always at the end of the phone to provide transport for much travel and many other things.

I'm acutely aware of how hard my daughter works. 12 days of 12 hour shifts, so when it comes to a couple of days off, she must have time to catch up without me crowding her.

" My Boyfriend says, "You're not maternal enough."

Well he's gone now, though nothing related to me, but it's barely improved between us.

We live about 45 minutes from one another. She in her flat, and me alone but with our dog, but not the family home.

I do suggest meeting up for a bite to eat, but it's like batting a ball all the time with no resolution. It goes on for so many messages that I give up.

If she just said, "I have catch up to do, that would be fine." Instead this is a typical conversation.

"I'm near you next week, fancy a sandwich at the Deli when you're off?

"It's not called that anymore."

"I know, it's the Greek deli. Or if you prefer the White Horse pub is doing good veggie food."

"Where is The White Horse"?

This will go on for maybe 11 exchanges. I can't try any harder without getting on her nerves. It's eggshells again. I just give up as I daresay that was the intention.

As for not being maternal? When she first had to work a night shift, I felt so guilty at sleeping in my warm bed that I stayed up all night, not that I ever told her!

I've read the threads here for some while and could pick up on mistakes, or so I thought.
Arriving at the Cs house to greet the GC first. I'd think. That is so wrong. Tell the GC, "Going to talk to mum and dad, then talk to you later. Making the adults your priority.

Then "Boom"! Up in my own face as to being a bad mother.

I know this is a support thread, and the visitors haven't given any constructive criticism, but I'd welcome it, or should I start a new thread?

You can talk to who you like but it's what you are inferring that counts.

If your intention is to be taken seriously, why make flippant comments??

you are behaving like a 'gang' if only you could see past your self-serving attitude and I'll-informed 'advice''

As time passes, you'll get fed up with it. After all, why would you want to spend your valuable time responding to estranged parents,offering them 'the benefit of your inexperience' (apologies for misquoting Oscar Wilde!)

Not surprised posters don't take your advice or comments on board!

No Norah we didn't "want more than they could give" we were simply expecting to see as much of them as they'd told us, that's all. I do wish that posters would read the posts they're referring too properly.

Fairydollyes that was a very flippant comment Jayanna. Perhaps your personal experiences enable you to make light of our upset at not spending as much time with our DS as we were led to believe. Were our circumstances different, I still wouldn't feel it appropriate to be flippant on a support thread, at the expense of someone whose merely talked about their upset and disappointment at the lack of time they spent with their son who lives on the other side of the world, and is the only son they can see.

LauraGransnet (GNHQ) Fri 21-Apr-17 15:43:37

To clarify, we've contacted absent to ask for details, but researchers may not use information without our (and your) consent. They can, however, view all the information on the threads as they are public
................................

You specifically mention no researchers. mumsnet posts are all over the MSM.

How about the Gransnet threads? MSM? Daily Mail, Wright Stuff etc.? Are you selling threads to them?

.....................................

Before posting my first message today, I looked at your T&C, stating that all copyright was yours.
How come it ends up in the Daily Mail then?

Is the very sensitive postings from estranged parents likely to land there as was the beaker thread?

It's copyrighted thread barred to researchers,but then we see it in the national press? Which is it?
It's either copyrighted or you're selling it.? Can't be both.

Please reassure the posters here especially that their sensitive postings will not appear on the Daily Mail or any other MSM. Plastering any details could derail any contact with their children and grand children.

If you can promise that, then you can bar any story from mumsnet as well appearing in the MSM.

Still waiting as to how to be perfect parents.

Smileless, By "more than they could give" I meant more than they could give when they sorted the entire stay after arriving UK and learning the demands of others.

I did read your post, I just have a different view to you. No offense meant.

I think you did very well just having a cry here, not upsetting your son by complaints. I am the mum who thinks silence and eggshells (about ones complaints) yields the very best results from AC as they are fully functioning adults living their own lives.

Well I'm sorry if my reply to Penstemmon (because that's what it was) caused you any distress Smileless. I am flippant I know. Others suffer the hammer blows of fate too. Except mine have left me believing that, in the passage of time, of all the agonies we endure, nothing really matters

Jayanna i can till remember words spoken to me by my dear mum who died in 1984 so words do matter a great deal.

Off out now so glad to hear from you smilless

Play nicely can see this aternoon a. Mixture

Fairydoll you get it and that's wonderful thank you.

Not words Celebgran, but what fate deals to us. Whatever it is, however great our pain, it has been experienced and endured before and will be again, long after our disasters and miseries are dust.

Well,you are not alone suffering the 'hammer blow of fate'.

I'm sure most of us have at one time or another. Perhaps it comes down harder on some people rather than others?

We can all be flippant when we want to be. I can be a serial offender but it's knowing when it's inappropriate that's important.

celebgran Words do matter and do come back round. Least said is always better, imo.

I am agreeing to your way to looking at words, in this instance.

Thanks for the welcome. Hello and goodbye. I prefer the young women on mumsnet.

In the light of this thread nogran I don't blame you.

I come to this thread less often than some but I always try to offer support because , like others I too have experienced pain/ hurt/ distance. However I still feel that any support not from a "regular" is dismissed,often quite curtly. I know my approach to support may be different but it is meant honestly. It is hurtful when genuine support is offered and it is thrown back at you so rudely.

He and and dil need to plan their schedule beforehand and stick to their plans.
I wasn't going to comment on this thread but that remark has made me quite angry? bemused?

It is rather presumptuous of a poster to say what she thinks someone else's family should do!

I am so sorry you felt let down smileless but I know that you realise what the priority was for your DS and DIL on this visit. What a shock for the family and how awful for DIL and her mother. There must be a lot for them to help to sort out in a short space of time. DIL will not have had time to grieve at all and may need the support of her friends too. Do you live near your son's MIL? Are you able to offer her any support?

I think some of the posts on here were meant to help and support you to see this, to see through your immediate disappointment and did not deserve the comments (vultures circling ) they received from the 'regular' posters on here. Sometimes a more objective view is helpful.

It is so difficult when they live so far away. Can you manage a visit to them in between now and Christmas? Your DIL may well feel anguished at being so far away from her mother at this time.

I hope you will continue to contribute to the other threads too Smileless!

Just saw your post, MawBroon. Who's interfering? I just said what I think ds and dil need to do if they're not going to change plans on Smileless all the time. I didn't say she should tell them to do this - in fact, I made the point that I think she's wise enough not to.

And there's obviously a problem because ds and dil change plans last minute. Not just on this recent visit but on other visits, as well. It's not just about their prioritising their friends over the Smilelesses - I didn't see Smileless object to that per se. It's more about their saying one thing (e.g. "We'll see you on Sunday!") and doing another (e.g. cancelling with Smileless and spending time with the friends instead).

Maybe some people are ok with just going with the flow, no matter what. But other people dislike setting time aside, just to find out it wasn't necessary. I think the Smilelesses are among the latter. So for them this "flaky" behavior that they talk about does seem to be somewhat of a problem.

Hope you're still here, Nogran! Welcome! Please realize that other members don't always see new posts as soon as they come in. Idky, but Iv had that experience on other sites, too, not just this one.

Also, sometimes, I think some of us are so busy answering posters who have addressed us personally that we fail to notice a newcomer right away. I know I'm guilty of that sometimes.

You definitely sound like the ideal mum to me! But it just goes to show that "one size" does not "fit all." Dd's bf obviously had a different pov. In fact, maybe his own mum was more intrusive and he was trying to defend her. Maybe not, just a thought.

The question is what does dd think? Does she feel the need for you to be more in her life? And if she does, why does she make it so hard to meet up?

Maybe you should tell her you're getting 2 opposite messages from her - one that she wants you to be more involved in her life and the other that she doesn't or that she finds it really hard to make time for you. Ask her to sort it out in her own mind and then get back to you. Let her think about that for a while.

I did that with my own dd once (about a different issue) and it she was quite stumped. Turned out she was conflicted about the issue and didn't really know what she wanted. She hasn't answered me yet, but I haven't heard any further complaints in either direction. Idk if this will work for you and your dd, but maybe.

Who's interfering? I just said what I think ds and dil need to do
Who's interfering?
I leave you to guess. And assume that smileless's AC are mature enough to make their own decisions in life.
MYOB