My life, my way

I don't feel I have to 'cut my family loose' to live my life in full so sorry I won't be joining you. I wish you well with your family free life.

I'm with tanith on this!
I could agree with everything up to that phrase "cut them loose". If it means no strings but still love, fine, but if it means what it sounds like, I fear for OP' s family who may deserve better.
The two are not mutually exclusive you know.

I took the OP to mean she was cutting loose regrets and tears, not her family

Exactly, sunseeker. I thought my last paragraph was clearly referring to regrets and tears.

In which case I don't quite see what is worth saying
Sounds like normal behaviour.

Sometimes easier said than done, though!

Well, Chilledlady, what exactly does "cut them loose" mean?
Have you been trying to hang on to them, pushing for more visits to no avail and nursing hurt and angry feelings between visits? And now you've decided to sort of "punish" them by cutting back contact as much as possible - no skype, no facetime, no letters, etc. except when you make plans to "meet up?"

Or do you just mean that you're letting go of the hurt and anger and just going to enjoy your life as is, including the time you do get to spend with your son and daughter and their families?

The former sounds vengeful and mean. The latter sounds wise and beautiful. I hope it is the latter.

I can't join you in either one, really, because, lucky for me, my dd and gc live within reasonable distance. But if they were far away, I would definitely join you in the latter idea. In fact, even now, I try not to focus too much on them, to understand that they have busy lives of their own and dh and I need to have and enjoy one as well. So again, if giving everybody the space they need is what you are talking about, I'm with you!

MawBroon, with some of the threads you see on GN, it isn't always normal behaviour even though it should be. Good on you, Chilledlady, my family talks about moving away and I try to be positive but it isn't always easy so I will try to join you when the time comes!

Chilledlady if I've misunderstood your post my apologies. I really did understand it to say you'd cut your family loose. It sound much more understandable the way you've explained it.

Thank you, icanhandthemback. I was trying to express how regrets can bring tears, and how I was trying to come to terms with the fact that my family live far away, and how I want my life to be good and satisfying despite that. Thank you too, Starlady but I have no hurt and anger" just thoughts of what might have been, had they been in this country.
I did not expect the reprimand from the early posters, when I was attempting to explain how I would deal with the situation.

I took it that it was the wishing for things that will never be, regrets and tears that the OP wanted to cut loose, not her family.

Good for you chilledlady (if you can do it). We often go through life wishing and hoping for things to change or get better, when what we really should be doing is just making the most of what we have in the here and now. I for one am guilty of this.

It's just life - it's what we all do - enjoy what we have and try not to let the might-have-beens and wish-it-could-be bits take over. There is no other way

Some of us can't see the wood for the tress though Luckygirl Sadly I still often wonder what might have been, what could have been and what will probably (now) never be.

Just being honest.

Those of us who don't get that family life that we envisaged have to find a way to reach our own epiphany, when we rejoice in life as it is, not as we hoped it would be. For a long time I grieved over the grandchildren I would never have. Then a poster on this site, that I was disagreeing with about something totally unrelated, chose to taunt me and sneer at my grandchildless state. She meant it to hurt but oddly it had completely the opposite effect. A catharsis! She did me a favour.
I am with you Chilledlady, life is good when lived without regret for what, after all, only existed in our imaginations.

chilledlady Good for you and yes i think we should all join you, sometimes we all get a little stuck and need to give ourselves a good talking too, not all of us get it right first time.Our lives could change drastically tomorrow so e have to make the best of it.
jayannasorry you had such horrible taunts, some people never grow out of the playground and like most bullies they have sad pathetic lives. &

Chilledlady, What a lovely approach. We all only have one life to live, best we get on and make the most of it.

Thank you so much to everyone who has been expressed understanding and empathy. As Araabra says 'We all only have one life to live, best we get on and make the most of it'. I am doing so, and will cherish the times when I and my family all get together, which will be such a special time. In the meantime, there is so much else for me to enjoy.

I absolutely second what Luckygirl says .
And yes, judging by some of the threads/posts on GN some people clearly don't see life that way, but "normal" everyday life rarely makes for good copy in newspapers and I imagine internet sites are similar
Still what I would call "normal" behaviour though!
(It may be "easier said than done" but that doesn't mean we can't do our best.)

Of course, MawBroon, it's just that some people find it easier than others to let go and move on. Deciding to do it is just the start!

Good luck Chilledlady!

Good luck Chilledlady and thank you for posting.

I have children overseas too and it takes time to accept the very limited contact (Skype is a bit like only ever meeting for an hour in a coffee shop IMHO) and to reorient your life to not really having them in it any longer, or only occasionally. I defy anyone to say that Skype/texts/What's App is the same level of contact as seeing each other regularly, though I know that some GNetters don't see even children living near them very often.

The instruction to 'let go', stated punitively makes me slightly suspicious that it's covering up something. Adult children are adults of course and they don't have to maintain contact with us, nor do we have to interact with them. But if we didn't want much contact with them later in life, then why did we have them?

There was an interesting and brave article in the Guardian recently:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/11/breaking-taboo-parents-who-regret-having-children

There are so many ways of living and so many different ways that families relate, or don't. I read the OP as making a statement of reconciliation to a less than ideal circumstance but celebrating the possibilities of and good things in a life returned to coupledom. After all, she might be struggling with being asked to look after 5 grandchildren on a weekend a month as one poor soul is at the moment!

How lovely, chilledlady!
every good wish to you, as you go on your way. I would have loved to come.

Just an afterthought about, to my mind, the disadvantages of Skype etc. Before my children went overseas a typical family afternoon, or day would consist of tea and cake (of course), dinner later, probably a rousing good walk, then exchange of news, mulling over the politics of the day, much laughter and jokes, playing of games (card and board), telling and retelling anecdotes from the past, perhaps looking at photos or exchanging books, perhaps watching a film or a tv programme together, hugs and cuddles.

You can't do that on Skype! I do feel very sorry for grandparents who have to watch their children grow up as though they were watching a tv show although I'm sure the best is made of it.

I found your OP very uplifting chilledout and you can count me in; "No wishing for things that can never be, no regrets, no tears". Being estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than four years, your outlook is just what I'm trying to do too.

chilledlady - I know what you mean. Some of our children, and all our young grandchildren live at the other side of the world, and we rarely see them (except when they come here.)
So we try to make the best of it, and recognise that this is the kind of life they've chosen.