Strained Relationship with MIL

I did all of that too Bibbity, so much so that my relationship with my son is as strong as ever. He left home at eighteen to go to University, and was never "mine" from then on. He is and always has been his own man,, but you know what, no matter how strong, or determined a person is, if they get involved with someone like his wife, and there's a child involved, that strength and determination counts for nothing.

I truly hope you never find yourself in this situation, but perhaps you could consider how it can happen and not be quite so intransigent.

Off to the airport to meet my son....and hide my tears and sadness.

You accuse me of being intransigent? Yet you are the one projecting all over me?
I've only ever talked from my POV.

I am more than aware CO can happen at any time for any reason
Please show me where I've said otherwise.
I see it as a case by case scenario.
So do not tell me about Karma. Because there is no such thing.

purplesneakers I have been following this thread with interest, mainly because of your very mature approach and willingness to consider the advice offered by experienced grans and mils. It is clear that you would like the relationship with your mil to improve, but not sure how.

I have a few points to make. I would endorse the pleas from many of the grans to consider how excited your mil is to be a gran for the first time. You will see on here how many of us post of our joy at the safe arrival of new grandchildren. This is not to say that we feel we 'own' our grandchildren but that it is a special relationship. I was astonished at the rush of pure love I felt for my first grandson, and for each of the other 5.

My next point is that you, your DH and your mil are all new to the role of parent/grandparent and are still discovering what is expected of that role. You and DH are naturally protective of your little one, and are naturally reluctant to let her be away from you for any length of time. Your mil has probably forgotten that feeling and maybe needs a gentle reminder.

What you and the posters from MN perhaps don't quite appreciate is how that protective feeling for children never goes away, and many parents can find it difficult to step back and let their adult children get on with it and make their own mistakes. It is a learning process that goes on from you first leave your little one/s with someone else, through to seeing them start school, the difficult teenage years and seeing them leave home. Some parents have more difficulties accepting this than others. We all make mistakes and you young parents will too.

Also remember that you too may find yourself in the same position of being a grandparent in the future. It is a relationship that can be so rewarding, but cause a lot of heartache. Just read the many stories on here.

I would suggest you explain to your mil what you have to us, that you and DH need to have space to become parents but do gave your mil a chance to explain how she feels too, if that is possible. As a lawyer, I know you are able to evaluate both points of view and come to some sort of arrangement that will suit you all.

It saddened me to read that one poster thinks that the older generation of the family don't matter. My children benefitted enormously from their contact with their very tolerant grandparents especially time, which their busy parents often found difficult to find. I hope my grandchildren benefit from their contact with us. They have given us so much.

Good luck!

'I don't care if she is happy. Her happiness is not my responsibility'
That is a very sad post Bibbity.

I did not marry into anything

You did though. The older I get, the more I realise this.

In the same way that when a person marries someone and has a child with them, they are never "free" of that, it is the same with their family also.

So the smoother the whole thing can be going through life, the easier all round.

I married one man. I made no promise to his family at all. I have no obligation or responsibility to them. The same to him and mine.
I mainatain the relationship I want with my side. His side is his responsibility.
Although I get on well with His brothers wife so we message a lot.

Check out this website. I can't read all these posts so someone may have said it before.

It's a British website I think Bibbity and it sounds as if Purplesneakers lives abroad from a few things she has said - is that right Purple?
A 10 hour drive for MIL to visit and phone to say she is popping over to their town the next day, 'can we do lunch' sounds like America or Australia, but I may be wrong.

Surely driving 10 hours takes a bit of planning and she could phone you up the week before to see if you're free for lunch?

Bibbity I do feel quite sorry for you and for your DGS as either you have a very strange MIL if she can't be trusted with your son, or else there is more going on and your son is missing out on a loving relationship with his grandmother.

I think I said before that your DH needs to sort things out calmly and kindly with his mother before things go too far with their relationship.

Last sentence was addressed to purplesneakers of course!

I married one man. - true

I made no promise to his family at all - again true

I have no obligation or responsibility to them - I would like to think that everyone has obligations, and some responsibility to their inlaws, though I appreciate each family and/or culture does things differently.

The reality is we cannot shake off the inlaws, no matter how hard we try!
They become part and parcel of everyday life.

Perhaps I am alone in wondering why this isn't her DH's problem. Why is it necessary for PurpleSneakers to speak to her mil? Surely her DH can speak to his mum.

If it were reversed would DH be held to the same standard - of being the go between? Does Purple Sneakers have to go to tea with her FIL (his dad) and her DH with his PIL (her mum or dad)?

Purplesneakers, you said along the lines of...you wished your MIL knew that after your DH she is the one you talk to most on the phone and you don't like talking on the phone. Why don't you tell her? She can't read your mind.

None of us own our DC, parents have the care and upbringing of their young DC but they can't tell them who to love. I feel very sorry for DC who at the whim of their DPs are denied the love and company of loving GPs. I equally feel sorry for DC who have to spend time with GPs who are not kind and loving.

Also you say you will chose who looks after your children. Often GPs are invaluable in situations such as: a child is sick and needs to be in bed all day and the working parents can't get time off. When a child or a parent is in hospital and another adult pair of hands are needed. Working or sick parents who appreciate another pair of hands to catch up on the washing and cleaning the house and caring for children. School holidays when both parents are working and school age DC want to be able to spend time at home or at GPs, not left at a child minders. Don't knock a kind, caring GP, they are family and really do care. You can still use child minders, but don't expect them to drop everything to help you out of hours.

Watch out that life doesn't send you some life lessons and your husband's boundaries and your intensive MIL might start to look very different. Has the thought ever occurred to you you might be teaching your DC how to treat you in the future when you are the GP.

Of you course you marry into a family. When my son married his wife got his parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts, old family friends etc etc - we have no intention of being airbrushed out so that his wife can conveniently think him a foundling!
Thankfully we do not have the sort of family where we are 'his responsibility'. We actually all get on well and she is just part of the family.
I never understand why it would be different. My husband often stayed with my mother without me if he was in her area on business. I spent a lot of time on my own with his father. I do things on my own with my daughter- in-law that wouldn't interest my son.
We are certainly not going to be shaken off- we are there for life!
I think that Faye has a good point. Children do as you do so if you hold in-laws at arms length, think they are not your responsibility then this is what they will do in their turn. If everyone was welcome and they never saw a difference between maternal and paternal grandparents then this is the pattern they will expect.

Purple sneakers you sound very balanced but unless there is a back story it sounds like a good chat over a bottle of wine would be enough. She sounds OTT but loving and obviously wants to help. I am a mom not a grandmother my children are older and I have seen a lot of families in my profession.

Your mother in law lives 10 hours drive away she misses her son and grandchild and just wants to feel involved and loved. She can not just drop in I think all this can be better managed and if you're going out
just take your mother in law with you. If
I had plans or a group to go to my late mother in law used to just come with me she liked and enjoyed it.

There a lot of people in here who are forgetting that times have changed as well as everyone's family is different not everyone has a super close, dropping in all the time kids running in between family houses. I don't and for me to have been expected to fit in with that kind of
family would have been incredibly
intimidating.

It does take a village but even with a village there is a line of command that should
start with the parents and it should include the whole community not just the family.
Times have changed we are not young mothers more. I was 30 when I had my first child. We are experienced independent women which is how we have been brought up to be and that deserves to be respected. Medical advice has changed which has revolutionised baby care for the better and that needs to be listened to and not dismissed.

The pressure on grandparents also needs to ease, as a consequence of women having children later grandparents are older. Most grandparents might have just finished work.

My late mother is law used to look after my sister in laws little boy but never felt able to say she felt unwell because she was scared she would have to stop looking after him. As a consequence she died after seeking help too late for her to be treated effectively.

I only found out after cleaning the house after she died and the house was not as clean as I know she would have wanted it to be.

Faye. Letica and Momof3

It's truly heartwarming to read through your posts. i'm sure Purplesneakers will find them helpful. Have nothing more to add, you've said it all.

Good points Momof3
Purplesneakers is to be commended for trying to sort it out and for listening.
Being kind goes a long way. I never understand those who say 'she is your mother- you get the present'- She is far more likely to get a present that she will really like if I get it!

What a sad and worrying thread. It seems to me that all the adults involved here need to take a step back and think this through from the infants perspective. With all due respect I think the OP really is trying to address this situation, but it reads more like the preparation for a court appearance and everyone needs to change but her.

There is so much wisdom here from other posters much of which is met with the 'ah but' phenomenon by the OP, instead of embracing challenge, spontaneity and the inevitable disruption having a baby brings. We know having a baby changes life for ever, and the independence and control of career woman status is challenged in so many ways.

There seems to be a MIL here who is distressed, proud, excited, confused. It is her first GC and there is no rule book. She is feeling her way and sounds lost as far as I can see. The possible estrangement of this lady from your child's life is unfair, and if the adults involved do not start acting in the child's best interests I think it sad. And yes, the OP does need to look at her behavioural reactions instead of looking at how things were before the baby arrived . That situation has gone forever. You have all moved on and relationships need reviewing. It is not just the responsibility of the OH. You are a family are you not?

One more point - when you marry someone, that person isn't just an individual, his/her family is an integral part of him/her.
Whether they've been "CO" or not.

purplesneakers, no advice from me just a request that you do one thing.

Sit down quietly with your baby son on your own, take a good look at him, feel the love in your heart and try to imagine a time in the future when you may not love him as much as you do now. I bet you can't.

Now imagine him grown up with a baby of his own. I believe (even though you might not think it possible) that you will love that grandchild as much as you do your own son. That grandchild will be as prescious to you as the baby in your arms at this moment. Now think about what would happen if your beloved sons wife didn't want you around. Think how you would feel. Try and imagine this sad, frightened caring person is your MIL and do your best to work things out for all of you. Babies are babies for such a short time. Your MIL knows this and is trying to spend some time with him. Why don't you phone her and ask her to fix a date to come over when it's just you and the baby (please not when your friends are there). When she's leaving, make another date so that she has something to look forward to. Please be kind.

Good luck.

I guess what you are asking for here is how can you and MiL find a compromise. At present her expectations and yours a too wide. She is very wrong to complain about you but in some families that seems to be the norm.

I think honest speaking is the only way here. She may be hurt and offended at first, but if you are clear that you want her to have a loving relationship with her grandchild she will hopefully see sense.

I think I would speak of only one or two things that irk you rather than go in with a list. Begin I think with this obsession with the overnighting. Don't give a reason just say it won't be happening. She may ask 'don't you trust me?' Of 'I want to form a close bond, you live so far away'. As a lawyer, i am sure you don't need me to tell you not to engage. There has to be some reward for your MiL. Is there anything that she would like to do that is not too difficult for you to agree to.

My own MiL used to very generously buy liadsof inappropriate, old fashioned clothes, in the wrong sizes for my children. One day I asked her if she would take the, shoe shopping for me to Clarks. She was delighted, stopped buying daft clothes and asked frequently if they needed shoes. Quite often they did not but I let her take them and buy them.

Lovely post Crafting. Nothing more to say. If only all DIL's would use your advice as a starting point when problems arise.

I think that is a lovely post too Crafting

Just be thankful that your MIL is over-exuberant rather than nasty, wants to spend time with you rather than ignoring you all and leave you thinking 'why doesn't she love her DGC?'.

You will have to carefully and kindly define your boundaries but don't exclude her please.

As for marrying the man, not the family, Bibbity, that is not possible imo. My MIL was quite different to my DM but that gave me a different perspective on mothering, my BIL and SisIL are great company although we don't see much of them, my DB's wife is like an older sister, as is my other SisIL.

As for the families of DDIL and DSIL - I hope they have expanded our horizons and become our friends.

Crafting very nice post.

I agree. Crafting has beautifully placed the focus back on the infant.

PurpleSneakers. You need to sit down with your MiL and have a 'heart to heart' with her. She is your baby's Granny and nothing you do will ever change that. The fact that she is prepared to travel 10 hours which probably entails a stopover shows how much she wants to see her DG.

You mention boundaries that your son has set, how sad is that!. You make her sound as if she's some kind of monster that you don't want to be around. It's fine not to have a lot in common with her, it's quite possible that she doesn't like you much either.
She is not coming to see you, she just wants to see her DG, her very first. It's not as if she lives on your doorstep and you see a lot of her. Why can't you be a bit more generous, surely it can't be that difficult.

I just hope that you do not find yourself in a similar situation one day, it would then be too late for regrets.

Please show a little more kindness to your MiL.

Gemmag - you are being rather harsh to PurpleSneakers - if you had read all of her posts you would see that she is very keen to forge a good relationship with her MIL. Quite a few of us wish that PurpleSneakers was our DIL!
She also said some days ago that she is not going to post again so any comments made directly to her are now pointless