family rift and GS's 18th birthday do

I really think that thats just how most teenagers are nowadays ,I wouldn't take it personally at all.My daughter was always close to her dads parents and has kept contact with them all her life( she's 39) my son spent a lot of time with them up until he was 12 then he saw them only when we visited or they came to us.Its not ideal but its just how life is now .My granny lived with us so we saw he rall the time ,we were lucky ,but thats not how most families are ,and I wouldn't blame his mother .....probably his friends have more influence on him than his mother .I think you're taking it all far too personally especially the FB post ,some folk put absolute nonsense on their pages without giving it a second thought.

Sending hugs your way, bluebird! Either gs has been influenced by his mum or he's just "being a teen," as Coolgran suggests. Good you didn't go to the party. You would have been uncomfortable and he wouldn't have appreciated it.

Yes, it may be a "long time" before he shows some appreciation again. He probably doesn't show much to his parents either if that's any help. But it will happen, I'm sure.

From now on though, please don't make any extra effort for him. Post your cards like you would for anyone else. Also, I agree with you not to ask him if he got your card/gift. (You'll see, in time, if the check was cashed.) Give him whatever you can give with a glad heart and leave it at that.

Thanks Coolgran for thinking of me, this is such a difficult time. I still haven't had a thank you for the card and gift or a reply to my text wishing him a good time on his birthday.[Now 7pm].

I am gutted,feel awful. I suppose I will have to accept that things have changed drastically and it is a long waiting game for him to remember how much I cared for him. I fear it will be a long time.

bluebird I've been thinking about you. I guess you still haven't had an acknowledgement from your grandson.

Yes, it's rude. However, I do think that this is an age when teens are at their worst and most of them eventually 'grow up'. Doesn't make it any easier.
I hope that before too long your gs realises what a wonderful gran he has.

Well the birthday meal was yesterday and I kept away as planned but of course I was upset about it. However I had a pleasant day with a friend, the sadness kicked in when I went home and on my own with it all.
I then wrote a card to my grandson, enclosed a cheque and put it into their letterbox late last night - so he would have it on his actual birthday - today. I wanted to make sure he received it so didn't post it, and made sure it wouldn't fall to the floor as the dog could get hold of it and notorious for chewing up post.

Ok it's only 2.15pm but no text from grandson to thank me and he would definitely have got the card early this morning. Now what?
I don't want to prompt him and ask if he got it ok. I think things have been said by his mother and members of her family. I think I have lost him for good.

I tend to agree with sending a card and some money to say something like you thought he could use it to buy something he really wants. As mumofmadboys says, model good behaviour to him. I also have a feeling it will be protecting your son from comments from DIL about you not caring.

I'd go out and treat yourself if I were you! A bit of pampering perhaps or visit your lovely friend.

I think you should give him a card and money present for his 18 th and model good behaviour yourself. Maybe accept the invite for the meal and if on the day you really can't face it phone and say you are feeling unwell ( probably true in situation!) and will have to pull out and wish them all a lovely time.

But wait... would he complain to his dad/your son? Would he deny what you said? Would your son be mad at you? If you're worried about that, maybe just a "Happy 18th Birthday" card is best.

I don't know about finding out gs' email address. If your relationship isn't good, he may just be annoyed. A card is better, imo.

I would say don't even bother, but I know you're concerned about your son's reaction.

Well, now I have a different view, Bluebird. Sorry I misunderstood before. But even if it wasn't friend's fault that you saw the meme, dil probably thinks it was. Or maybe she just realizes that if she doesn't want you to see her page, she needs to block friend, too. It doesn't sound as if dil is a person who gives much thought to her own part in what happens.

And it doesn't sound to me as if gs would be "hurt" if you don't come to his birthday celebration. Not the way he acts when he sees you. Imo, that's just your son wishing things were different than they are.

If your absence would bother gs, he should have thought of that when he was ignoring you, etc. He's old enough to know actions have consequences.

Love the letter Barmy wrote to her gs - and the results! Perhaps the same would work for you? Maybe not, but what have you got to lose?

Bluebird when my only gs was 16 he had been acting so badly towards me, just following his mums example, so for the Christmas instead of giving him a card and some Christmas money I gave him a letter that simply said that I was totally fedup with the way he had started to treat me and I didn't feel like giving him card or a present. I asked him if any of his friends treated their grans in the same way. Do you know it did the trick and slowly we have become friends.

Stansgran, great idea! But no one writes these days do they? sadly...but it gives me an idea of finding out GS's e mail address and sending him a message on his birthday [Monday].

Be assured I will be making the most of the day on the day of the celebration [Sunday] whatever I decide to do. I've had to make my own life for a long time now. I won't dwell. But I sense my son is not happy, and thinks GS will be hurt.

Starlady, No, no it is no way my friends fault, no way. She hardly went on DIL's FB and had not been on for weeks before the rainy afternoon when I asked her if there were any recent pics of my grandsons on there. Scrolling down we saw the post....I was the one who noticed the 'Mother-in-Law' heading briefly [friend hadn't] and asked her to stop for me to see what it said. She did nothing wrong. Why on earth would she want to cause trouble with a family she was close to and loved seeing my GS's?

The person who posted was wrong, not the person reading it. FGS!

I could say more than I'm saying on here re: DIL and people would be appalled....but I won't. Just take my word.

I think a lovely present for your grandson's 18 th would be a pack of Thank you cards from Paperchase with a pack of stamps and a guide to letter writing. It would be daft to go to the party and be hurt . Half bottle of champagne to toast him on his birthday and hope that he will improve with age.
Facebook is a blot on the World Wide Web.

Barmy, I feel for you also. I'm glad you now only see ds and the gc who you have a good relationship with. Most likely, dil and the older gc prefer this arrangement, too. But even if they don't, imo, it is the best solution.

Bluebird, I'm so sorry about all this. The person I blame for hurting you, however, is your friend, not dil. Why did your friend show you that post? If she knew it was just a meme and not directed at you, why show it to you? If she didn't know and thought it was a strike at you, again, why show it to you and hurt you?

Maybe she didn't mean to do anything wrong, but she did. She showed you something that DIL didn't intend for you to see that hurt your feelings unnecessarily and caused an argument in her marriage. No wonder friend is now blocked from dil's page, too!

That being said, I agree that you should decline the invite to GS' 18th birthday. At best, he's indifferent to you, sadly, and at worst, mocking and cruel. Dil is not your friend, and apparently, you're not comfortable with her foo (family of origin) either. Why set yourself up to be miserable? Find something else to do that day and enjoy yourself!

Juggernaut, my son knows of all his son has done. All I get is 'He's a teenager, that's what they do and he's like it with everyone. We hardly see him...'

Well my sons didn't act like it. To be truthful [and I'm aware I'm drip feeding on this thread] my son is not very emotionally intelligent, and pretty naïve regarding parenting/child development and leaves most of it to DIL who I would have to say isn't that bright.

I loved my grandmother and can't understand his indifference [only that he takes things for granted, and yes he is immature]. I'm not impressed with him. But then, I was brought up my grandmother. However GS and me were very close and he was very fond of me...until he was about 13- 14 and distanced himself a lot.

Unfortunately his personality is now a lot like his mothers, boastful, materialistic and no respect [esp. towards older people].

nina, I don't usually put my needs first but I have to in this instance as I would have to face 5 adult members of DIL's family at the meal, who have been told God knows what by DIL. I have to lead a life as calm as possible to maintain equilibrium.
My son is definitely under the thumb but bless him, doesn't seem to realise it.

Bluebird, FB is a cesspit sometimes. It really does stir the pot and unfortunately some people, even friends we thought we knew, enjoy the drama.

This is hurting you because it's reopening old wounds. They only really heal to an extent where you can put them on the backburner when there's no conflict. But when they get triggered, such as your DIL, it hurts all over again and the old wounds surface.

The best thing is to just switch off the hurtful relatives and look after you. Your son can't do very much if he's married to her. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, it simply looks as though he's under the thumb.

bluebirdwsm
Is your DS aware that
'Grandson has in the past ignored me in the street, laughed at me in the street when with friends, refused offers of meals out and here, not thanked me for birthday cash for 3 years, and doesn't visit [I live 10 minutes walk away]'?
I would never have treated my grandparents in such an appalling manner, but if I had, my parents would have both ensured that I couldn't sit down for a week! Sorry to sound harsh, but your GS sounds like a rude and obnoxious young boy (not mature enough to be called a young man) and until he was willing to show me some respect, it'd be a cold day in Hell before he received another gift from me!

In that case Bluebird do not bother going to any celebration involving a ghastly 18 year old who should know better.Tell your son that you have anxiety problems, and in the future start spending your money on yourself and not unpleasant and ungrateful relatives.?

nina, I don't have facebook [hate it] but saw post on friends page [she has known DIL for many years]. The fact she thought I wouldn't see it, though obviously friend would, somehow makes it worse...more sly and meant.
I feel like saying something to make her sit up but hate, hate mind games. It would backfire anyway.

One of my points to my son was that I have been online for 17 years now and despite being provoked by her on numerous occasions I had never said anything about my DIL's....apart from saying once that I was lucky that I had 2 great DIL's! Ironic now.
Son was 100% behind me when it happened but as time has gone on he has changed his stance quite a bit. But if I had hurt someone badly I would feel awful.

I agree with annemac101, she didn't know you would see it, people post all sorts of things they think will amuse their friends but don't really think them, they just click share or like without thinking. I think many of us suffer from thinking people are talking about us or thinking about us but they rarely are.

Barmy, I'm sorry the same is happening for you, but good your son and GC sees you. My son is a softy afraid of being on his own and has put up with all sorts of behaviours from DIL, never really addressing it so it never gets resolved properly.

The support on this thread has been so helpful. I have struggled with all this for nearly 2 years feeling pushed down by it all but feel I can stand taller now. So thank you all.
My friend, who has been blocked on FB, was very fond of my grandchildren and has also been hurt by this and stands by me 100%. She did nothing wrong yet is not welcome in their lives/home despite years of babysitting/presents for birthdays, wedding and Christmas. Dreadful.

Bluebird, if DIL is deliberately posting memes so you can see them, she's taking a poke at you. People use memes all the time to send a direct message to another person in the hope that they can upset or offend them. You will know her well enough to guess what she's up to. If you've got a lovely other DIL, well you are doing OK. Post a meme on your FB about wonderful DIL's.
That should disarm her.

Some people will never evolve. We just have to feel sorry for them and thank our lucky stars that there is email and a telephone.

Bluebird, I can relate to your situation. I no longer go to my sons house unless I have to but he does visit me, sometimes on his own and sometimes with a gc. I have no social contact whatsoever with my dil, I don't send her or the eldest GC birthday cards etc, they have acted in an appalling way to us and I will quite frankly not put up with it or stress myself over their behaviour. The other gc in the house are ok and I have quite a good relationship with them. Your son sounds like he supports you so I would build on that have him and the gc who treat you with respect over for lunch even do as I do have a holiday without the dil and gc who shows you know respect and stop the birthday cash.. You don't deserve this treatment, its a form of bullying on their part, like kids picking on someone.

Hilltop, my thought are the same as yours...birthday money for 18th then stop if there is no real relationship afterwards. DIL has little respect for her own [unwell] mother so I should not expect any myself going by that.

annemac, I have deduced it is a 'sendaround'. But why choose to keep it up on facebook, for all her friends to see? It is addressed to 'Mother in Law', it is on her facebook...I am her mother in law, and the post is sarcastic/derogatory, so not personal as such, but if it didn't relate to her particular MIL/didn't strike a chord with her why not just laugh and delete?.....But I get what you are saying.

And why not just a 'sorry' on text to me, it would have taken 10 seconds. My son was furious and she knew I was very hurt.

nina, I have escaped from family of origin bullying and this is like history repeating itself, it feels awful.

I have nearly lost my eldest son and yet I feel I have done nothing to deserve this, just state my feelings and try to stick up for myself. DIL though has eased me out of the family [I think I have provided her with the opportunity] which she always wanted all to herself.
However my other DIL is lovely, and comes from a great family, is a wonderful mother and clearly adores my youngest son[and vice versa].