Date Night

Interesting......from day one of our marriage I did all the social organising and I loved it. I got to do EXACTLY what I wanted. To be fair, I always incorporated things I knew my husband might enjoy and I introduced him to some more adventurous stuff which he sometimes ended up enjoying. Never once did he complain so I must have been getting something right.

Married and divorced twice I am the last person to offer advice, except to say I am happy and content

I organise most of what we do - it's just the way it's always beeen. He occasionally suggests something more than a local walk but not often! I don't think we'd have a holiday if I didn't research, instigate discussion, plan and then book it so I'm not willing to take the risk?

I totally sympathise with how it all gets so exhausting! The problem with having date nights etc. is that no doubt you'd be the one having to organise it all, and then you've just got more to do!
Do you do everything together?
This is a second marriage for both DH and myself and I find that going off by myself to spend a couple of days with DD, who does not live locally, does wonders for making DH appreciate me and realise how much I do.
Interestingly, I also find that I don't always want to relinquish control over what we/I do. It's worth thinking about how you'd feel if he took over.

Hi, I suppose some of its down to individual personalities but I think it can be a generational thing as well. My sons are much more proactive and involved in domestic stuff than my husbands ever been. It does give you a feeling of life passing you by because unless you arrange anything/cook anything/shop....nothing really happens. It also makes me despair sometimes. And yet, when we go on holiday, things change and I realise how unhappy I'd be without him in my life and how much we do have in common. I don't know the answer but relationship wise, I think younger people are in many ways, wiser than us..it makes me feel quite envious of the era they're living in...and what I maybe missed. Perhaps a way forward is to be more independent and do your own thing-I know you asked about dates and that may be good but it probAbly barely touches the surface..

This is why I love this website, lots of unbiased opinions. Thank you every single one of you for your thoughts and comments, it really means a lot, there are some interesting tips to try also, it just goes to show, I am not on my own in organising things, it seems a high proportion of women seem to take on this role. I think maybe I need to look at doing something myself as well, we both work fulltime & there just never seems to be time for anything but then I suppose it's up to the ourselves to sort that one out.

SussexGirl60, your post is exactly us!!

The 'adventurous stuff' sounds interesting! !!!

we've always had nights out , We dont "plan" just decide to go out ,we dont really do holidays as our business is seasonal and we have grandchildren we watch at other times,but we always make sure we have our night out even if its only the local folk club ,been married 42 years and we've always worked together even the year before we got married.If you're feeling life is passing you by maybe its menopausal ?

Kim0612 whatever he organises in July be sure and not criticise his efforts or he won't do it again :-) I think we all go through times when feeling like you, but when I read a lot of the threads on GN I'm truly grateful that we still enjoy each others company, most pf the time, after 40+ years. There is a lot to be said for contentment.

It could well be hormonal, I am 55 and still having regular monthly's, no sign of hot flushes yet. I suppose bottom line,on the whole I have a great Husband who is a hard worker, he is a great Dad & Grandad, he has always been a great provider too, I should be grateful for what I have, we both have good health although he does have to have a knee replacement operation in nearly 2 weeks time, maybe I should carry on organising and realise I'm not on my own.

Do you have your eye on anyone in particular Absent?

You could always be the one to do the asking.

I recently took the advice of janeainsworth and did something spontaneous. I booked a weekend away (at quite short notice) DH did nothing but moan that he didn't know how he could be away from work for 3 WHOLE days... which makes a change because I am usually the miserable git in the operation. Once we did eventually get away we thoroughly enjoyed it. Its just a pity it cant be more often that's all.

We're married thirty eight years with a big family , jobs etc and yes, a night out, or with the phone off does allow time to reconnect . Good luck

We take it in turns to decide where we want to go for a holiday but generally I do most of the organising - except that we go away for a few days round my birthday and he organises that. Perhaps I'm more of a control freak thn you but I like to know what's happening and that all bases are covered.
Could you take up an interest separately from him? We go ballroom dancing together but there are several people there who go without their other halves. I started going to a craft class and now make jewellery for friends, am treasurer of a local group and involved in the national organisation of a journal. He's interested in astronomy, aikido, medieval martial arts and aikido. We have friends who take separate holidays to coincide with their interests (he skis, she paints) but that seems a step too far for me.
When you're with someone 24/7 you're almost bound to want to break out sometimes.

Our styles are very different. I like spontaneity & getting out & about while DH needs security & knowing exactly what's happening & happily sits at the computer all day. I propose ideas & have many possibilities at hand to fit last minute changes, weather etc.; once he has a plan he's disturbed if things change. I deal with it by understanding & acceptance that it's how our brains operate. I often do my own thing & go where the whim takes me. Sometimes he gets jealous & joins what I do. Together, I do the ideas, he resists but when/if he finally says yes, he takes over the on-line bookings etc. I get in as much mission creep as possible to make the journey worth while. He always enjoys it, I wish it could be done without so much resistance but we are at least complementary. It's just occured to DH, 10 years behind me, that there aren't enough years left to be sure of doing all that he says he wants to do.
I wince at the term 'date night' as much as the term 'play date'. Prefer going out & calling for/inviting round.

If he organises things and they aren't right or you don't like what he's planned, you'll be stuck and won't be able to say anything! He's probably sat back and let you do it all these years because he knows you'll be happy with things as you've done them. It might not even be what he really wanted, but he's happy to go along with it if you are happy. I know that's what my other half does! I get fed up doing absolutely everything (including ALL the packing) but at least I am in control of it and I enjoy myself much more when everything goes to plan and I can relax - even if I wore myself out doing it! So, think about just offloading some of the things that you can; or asking him to take you out for a meal or a meal and a show because you need a break. If he's anything like my DH, he'll still ask you what show and where to eat - but at least you'll have a nice evening out. Good luck. They get stuck in their ways and it's very hard to teach an old dog new tricks! I have a friend who has the opposite problem: DH controls absolutely everything! I couldn't bear that!

gilly glad you managed to get away & enjoyed it

Does everything have to be joint? Why not find interests, hobbies, sport, voluntary work that you enjoy that you can go off and on your own.

I think both and DH would go spare if we had to spend all our time together and do everything together. We both have a ramp of things we do on our own. Doing different things expands horizons, widens conversations and makes even more enjoyable the time we have together.

There may be 2 aspects of your rough patch which I can relate to:

1. I stopped organising any part of our social life after my wife sabotaged a number of arrangements that I made.

I thought that we had discussed and agreed them in advance, but whatever I arranged was wrong. Outings, holidays and flights had to be cancelled and revised according to her terms.

I have always known that she is the ultimate "control freak", so I stopped making any of these arrangements and just say "Yes Dear"

2. There is no longer any intimacy in our marriage, so the communication has reduced to "pass the salt"

As a result of this, I have withdrawn from the relationship even more and nurse my frustration in extreme bitter personal silence and in the books that I read.

I invite any woman reading this to consider the power balance in the relationship and maybe find ways to repair the intimacy. Intimacy does not have to lead to full sex but a few kind words and occasional hugs and kisses go a long way.

When the intimacy is there you can ask for anything and receive maximum engagement and effort !

Maybe she just doesn't fancy you any more RogerG.

I don't mean to sound cruel or flippant. But these things happen.

There does have to be something left that can be repaired?

You have some interesting points there RogerC,it's good to hear the other side. I know I feel better reading what comments have been left by everybody, I am tempted to let my other half read this thread.

I have nearly always done the organising,and love it,I love organising holidays etc. OH is glad I do it, I dont think I would trust him to organise a Holiday, the odd time he has organised things, its been chaos, best left alone.

DH organises hols, after discussion and he's good at it. Other trips and days out we sort together. He'd think I'd finally flipped if I suggested a date night - after I'd spent ages explaining what it is.

Morgana......I've just come back in and have to respond with a grin. Yep interesting is accurate and......somewhat understated! Cheers to you.....?

I wish I had known about 'date nights' Maybe I would still be married...sighs...