I dont know what to do

This is very sad. My daughter married an alcoholic -he hid it well-we just thought his behaviour was odd at time. She didn't want her marriage to be a failure so she struggled on in denial for quite a while. Numerous rows, friends deserted her, his family wouldn't help. It all came to a head when she came home to find him comotose on the bed empty bottles everywhere. She finally admitted defeat, threw him out, divorced him and now very happy with new man and family. We could say nothing at the time -we just tried to be supportive - it was all very difficult. He now is with AA and has had numerous rehab sessions. He has no home of his own,can't drive any more,lost his job. She keeps a good relationship with his parents and their son sees his grandparents regularly and when sober his father under supervision. All in all from start to finish the marriage lasted 4 years. She just had to cut the Gordion Knot and i advise your daughter, if all else has failed, to do the same. He would have ruined my daughter's life and i'm so glad she sorted it.

I agree with some of the others on this. You cant fix this situation it is indeed your daughter who has to decide what to do. Yes, if she contacts Alcohol Anonymous or similar they will support her from her side of things. It is really up to her. A difficult situation, just listen unless things go to the next level which I really hope that they do not.
All the best, hard situation.

Tanith has given sound advice in her post and best sought it before children are involved

SunnySusie
People who drink in excess is not because they like the taste, or enjoying themselves with the lads related, but blocks out issues in their life they have no control over or are unhappy about. Sadly partners are usually the last to know as the person with the drink problem is not able to talk about it to those nearest to them.
For a few hours their problems or unhappiness disappears. They sober up then the cycle starts all over again.
What stands out in the conversation with your daughter is the word 'relationship'?,
If the excess is weekend related it could be seen as social drinking, not recommended for health reasons, but if its seven days/nights a week then this person is seriously in need of help.
A chat with a doctor/citizens advice on what path should be taken. Family cannot deal with this by themselves.

The hardest thing to come to terms with when you know an alcoholic is the realisation that there is absolutely nothing that you can do.

Possibly not an alcoholic, but certainly a drunk. He's risking his own health and she's risking getting sucked into the same downward spiral. It's certainly not a relationship you would want to bring children onto. How does she see herself in 10 years time?

I do hope SunnySusie returns to read all the great advise she's been given

My cousin and husband are like this. They laugh it off as bring sociable, but over the years they've actually turned into functioning alcoholics in that they both hold down good jobs. You can't help someone who's in denial I'm afraid

In my opinion, all you can do is listen because it can't be dealt to him, he has to go it alone when ready.

Having lived with a "functioning" alcoholic for twenty years of our 47 years of marriage, I would appeal to your daughter to give the boyfriend an ultimatum . Either give up or split . I wish I had done that years before I did give my DH that choice. We didn't split, but I spent years supporting my DH in and out of rehab - he never stuck it out long enough . Finally a home detox, with me taking a week off work to care for him and intense follow up worked . He remains however a very difficult man and I think if there was a major crisis in our lives he will start all over again , so if I had my life over again would I do the same ? Probably not .

Hi. My father was a functioning alcoholic. My dds father is a drunk and I too had my moments (binge drinking when younger). It definitely sounds like there's potential for serious problems if he's in his 30s and still acting like a teenager. It does seem like she's enabling this behaviour by joining in with his drinking though. She can't take the moral high ground with a glass in her hand even if she isn't getting as sloshed as him. Is she prepared to stop drinking too?
Support her with her choices but I don't think you can get involved op ?

Thank you so much for all your comments. It really helps to have views from other people. There are no children involved in this situation and no violence, but of course my daughter wonders if there are issues in their relationship which trigger the behaviour and that makes her feel guilty. I have tried to counteract that view. Thank you for the idea about contacting the various organisations who have experience in this area. I hadnt heard of some of them. I think it would really help her to talk this through with people who know more than me. There is no problem so far as her partner is concerned, its just total denial, but at least I have some ideas to pass on now about what she could do for herself.

My mother was an alcoholic, but never really admitted it..........said everyone drank heavily during the war, and it became the norm. I then married an alcoholic, thinking naively (aged21) that I could cure him! Until anyone admits they have a problem with alcohol there is nothing you can do. No point beating yourself up. Tough love is the only thing that works. I wish your daughter all the luck in the world. Xx

My brother's wife left him because he was an alcoholic and our parents just didn't believe her. They thought he was a social drinker and she was being unreasonable because they thought he might have BPD. Even after he had to be weaned off his bottle of vodka a day and undergo home rehab on more than one occasion, they still denied it. Even after they found him dead of a drugs overdose which he had moved on to when the alcohol didn't work so well or he couldn't hide so well, they still were in denial. After all, they were only prescription drugs he had bought on the internet so not a real addict! He would often swear he was 'clean' when he wasn't so he was in denial too and most of his family just really hoped he was even though the evidence was plain to see.

If your daughter does the same, in the face of obvious problems, she is not only complicit but heading towards a really difficult future. Somewhere like Al-Anon would help her learn how to see how to help herself avoid this future. She also needs to be aware that if she can get her partner to do something about his drinking, there is a very real possibility that he will relapse without a lot of support from outside agencies. Is that the future she wants?

Hi SS, what a dilemma.
Here's a link to a questionaire your daughter might leave around.
www.agencymeddirectors.wa.gov/Files/aas.pdf
But as others have said, unless he gets to a place where he wants to stop drinking, he wont. They call it "hit a bottom".
Your daughter can seek out Al-Anon on line, or Families Anonymous (but thats more for drugs).
Be there for her. She probably really loves the guy and doesn't know where to go or what to do next.
Hugs to you both.

Tell her to look at the Bottled Up website. This is for the partners of heavy drinkers/alcoholics. It does cost money to become a member but she can get a lot of information without joining. Benefits of being a member us the discussion forum so she can 'talk' to people in similar situations and get support. There is a workbook that really focuses the mind on the situation and provides a way forward. Primarily though she needs to look after herself - by changing the focus she may be able to see things more clearly and make well thought out decisions as to whether she should stay with him or not.

I know 1st hand how this feels. The bottom line is that any relationship is about 2 people being generally happy. When one is not happy about a major issue and the other is not even acknowledging that unhappiness, then it's heading for crunch time. I wasted 10 years on a husband who denied he had a drink problem, he became insulting and an embarrassment and my love was gradually eroded. I lost count of the " last chances" I gave him. I lost count of his " I'm sorry it wasn't happen again(s)" but eventually I decided that it was not how I wanted to live my life anymore, and I divorced him. He begged for yet another chance but by that time all I felt for him was pity. It is hard for a parent at times to give advice, let your daughter read these responses, then she can make her mind up which path she must take.

Oh dear what a situation for your daughter to be in. My very limited understanding is that there are some people who have "addictive" personalities so it is as much a mental health problem as much as anything. If it were my daughter I would (strongly) encourage to talk this over with experts in this field. She then has to have a serious conversation with her partner to ask him to talk to someone or she must be strong enough to leave. If that jolts him to his senses all well and good, if not, she is well out of it.

Susie, your daughter has grown up, and her partner has not. I do worry about several of my DILs friends that I have met over the years who are still knocking it back like they did at uni. Some are starting to look rough, both women and men.

She, of course, gave up smoking when deciding to get pregnant and now only drinks wine at weekends. DSS has also stopped mid-week drinking. They are parents now, and before they had DGD, decided what was more important...having happy hours week in and week out or having a family.

As others have said, there may be a void there that is not being filled by the relationship. And he may well be more than a heavy social drinker.

I hope your daughter can find a way forward. It may she will want to do so without him. That might be the catalyst to getting him to sober up.

A friend of mine caused a car accident and when breathalysed was found to be over the limit. It was about 2pm in the afternoon and even though he hadn't been drinking that day he was found to be over the limit from what he had consumed the night before.

It is likely that your daughter's partner is driving constantly over the limit. If he is involved in a car accident, he could lose his licence and possibly his job and even be put in prison if someone is hurt or even killed. If you or your daughter know he is driving when under the influence it is your duty to report him to protect other members of the public.

I can never understand why people throw away money on getting drunk. If you tot up what he is likely to spend on alcohol in a year, it is probably enough to go on a decent holiday, buy a car or do some house improvements. Your daughter needs to decides what she wants for her life. Is it a constantly drunk dad as an example for any future children and no money to spend on luxuries or being with Mr 'You're just moaning about me just having fun'!

I suggest that she finds her local branch of Alanon. It is an offshoot of AA which supports the families of those with a problem controlling their drinking. The first thing she will learn is that it is not her fault. I wish her all the luck in the world.

I'm afraid I can only echo the advice given by others. DH's problem was only solved by a life changing stroke. Not touched a drop since, but rather too late.
My one caveat is that I found Al Anon pointless. But that could have just been the group I tried. My advice to your daughter SunnySusie would be to leave him while she is young and childfree.

Either dd's partner's drinking has increased over the years or it has taken her all these years to recognize/admit there is a problem. It may take her a while longer to accept that she may be better off if she leaves him. Not much you can do, I'm sorry to say, but listen and suggest AlAnon, as others have advised. I'm happy to see you agree with that idea.

Whether she takes the suggestion or not is up to her, of course. She might grab onto it right away or it may take her some time.

Next time she's out with him and sees a drop out drunk tell her to point out that'll be him in a few years if he doesn't get his act together. Drinking every weekend 'fun' at his age, isn't fun its desperation. Fear of growing into an adult. He needs a wake up call.

I think its a huge problem with 30somethings. The only reason my son as had to limit his drinking is because they are going through IVF treatment. I was out last night for an evening meal in the city and was amazed at the sight of so many 'drunks' females as well as males.