How To Heal From Estrangement

Thanks Stardlady and Luckylegs, Will post more later. Just on my way to work. I love my work, it keeps me strong and because it's my own business, I have no plans to retire.
It's important to find something that you enjoy doing and that keeps you connected to others and stay busy.
The one thing that pulls many CO parents down is the feeling that they're isolated with nothing going on during their day.
Thankfully, there are things going on out there that can help them feel that they're not alone. x

?Madgran, ?Starlady, thinking of you, I used to call it, walking on eggshells. Hopefully for you both you don't become estranged as you are fully of what can happen.Think Nina's summary of estrangement is spot on, how I wish I could have read that years ago. What Smileless said about refusing to take the abuse is exactly what I did. None of it easy, but eventually a new life emerges.

I'm the same way, Madgran. Though I get along fairly well with my dd and sil, that's partly because I have become skilled at biting my tongue. Also, if we do have a disagreement and I feel it escalating, I close my mouth or change the subject and let it go. But still, it's scary because Iv seen what happened to a few of my friends and now I see so many co gps online.

Welcome, Coolgran! And no, you're not alone - there are many gps going through these things today or who feel they're on the verge. Why did you think you were "going crazy?" Does it seem like you've been fully co but you aren't sure? Or do you simply "feel it coming" and thought maybe it was your imagination? Either way, you'll see, you'll get plenty of support here.

Beautiful posts, imo, nina and Smileless! You both brought tears to my eyes. Your eac are each missing out on a relationship with a very loving person. But I guess they don't see that - their loss.

Thankyou yoga I am just very aware of the potential and tread very very carefully....Im luckier than some who had no clue until it happened! So far my treading carefully seems to be paying off and we are lucky to have plenty of contact. Just always feel that it could turn on a knife edge/whim!

Nina good post again x

Coolnana Welcome

Madgran As you have warning of a possible 'cut out' and with reading our post having been 'cut out', I hope you can stop it from happening to you, cos when it does happen, it seems it is forever, no parole! x

Smileless

Coolnana, take heart. You're definitely not alone. I hope you find this thread supportive and kind. x

I was so glad to find this post. I thought it was only happening to me, or that I was imagining it, or I was going completely mad. The pain is tangible and severe, thank you all for helping me realise that I'm not alone.

Well spelled out post Smileless. It's such a dismal feeling when you reach the point where you know you can't cling to hope any longer and that you've ended up at a turning point where you literally have to let go of a child you gave everything to. The most selfish act towards a caring parent is to simply ghost them out of their own tribe's life.
I will never understand how an AC can simply end all contact. It's not human behaviour.

But waking up to the reality also sets us free to tune into a different kind of life and there are plenty of us that have made friends and kindred spirits all walking a similar life path. Wounds start to heal, the softness starts returning to our lives, sprinkles of laughter start to break the silence and newfound interests start to shape our daily lives.
Yes there is life after the devastation estrangement causes. Letting go is only the beginning of the chapter, not how the book ends. Life does and will go on for all of us.

Smileless Your post is heartwrenching and heartwarmimng all at the same time. I am not estranged but fear it coming, and I feel such sympathy for everyone in this awful position.

I'm sure you're right Emma and that estrangements within families have been happening for generations. The estrangement, cutting out of a non abusive family member is cruel and wrong. It was cruel and wrong generations ago, it's cruel and wrong now and will be cruel and wrong in the future.

It's taken every ounce of our strength, courage and faith to get us through the last 4.5 years. It was only 5 months ago when we moved, that we saw our first glimpse of the light at the end of this dark and painful tunnel.

Mr. S. and I are lucky that we have one another, some are facing this terrible journey alone. We cannot alter our ES's behaviour, we cannot control it, all we can do is control our responses to it.

We believe in ourselves and one another. We have not, do not and will not accept any responsibility for our estrangement. We don't deserve to be abused in this way and will not allow ourselves to be abused any further.

He does not want us in his or his children's lives so we have literally walked away, it was the only thing we could do to save ourselves. The only thing we do is send birthday and Christmas cards to our GC and are making a memory box so one day our GC will know that we loved them.

There's a well known saying 'if you love someone let them go, if they come back they are yours if they don't, they never were'. Letting go of our ES is the hardest thing either of us have ever had to do but it was only when we did so that we began to heal.

We'll just go round them Rosyglow. x

"This thread is not a debate about the issues surrounding why estrangement happens. It's about helping those affected by it identify what they're caught up in and then develop the means of coping with and living their lives in a meaningful way"

I would ask that posters accept this statement in the spirit nina intends. To jump in with counter opinions - there are other threads for that - just creates unpleasantness. Accept that, for whatever reason, people are suffering the terrible pain and loneliness of estrangement, and often have nowhere else to turn.

There are far more parents being cut off today than there has been previously.

This thread is not a debate about the issues surrounding why estrangement happens. It's about helping those affected by it identify what they're caught up in and then develop the means of coping with and living their lives in a meaningful way.
If people want to cut someone off, that's up to them along with their reasons why.

But for those who it hurts, they have to pick up the threads of their lives and carry on.

We hear more about it today from social media like this. Previously we only knew what our family and friends told us, just as we only knew about the abuses, physical, sexual and emotional, that touched our lives and that of our family and those close friends who confided in us.

It's far more widespread today. Are you estranged Emma54?

Estrangement issues within families has been going on for generations. It's nothing new. The advancement of technology and being able to use forums such as this and social media has brought it out into the open that's all. I don't agree it's all about financial issues either, individuals estrange / families fall apart for a wide range of reasons not just about money and inheritance.

Back again.

I don't know what makes an AC cut off a good parent to such an extent that there is zero contact. It's almost like a disease that's contagious. I work with women and the sheer number I come into contact with regularly who have either been cut off, are being threatened with it or are being treated with such low regard that it's bordering on the relationship faltering, is staggering.

Money, controlling third parties with agendas and generational resentment along with permission to behave however they want from an over indulged society all seem to be behind the trend of complete desertion of the parent or parents.
It is mostly rooted in selfishness and the desire for total liberation. They see the ageing parent as simply 'not their problem'. If the parent does not contribute, fit into, meet their expectations of a neatly packaged, 'happy' life, they're flicked. In many cases permanently or at least until the parent is totally submissive, has handed over money or given in completely in return for the crumbs of having the parent/child relationship they hoped for.
Feeling lost, hurt, lonely and vulnerable, the parent lives their life in desolation and isolation often in despair and a state of grieving.

OK, the above should sum up the plight of the abandoned parent. If this is you, you are far from alone even if it feels as though it's only happening to you. It's not, it's a selfish trend which does not bode well for the future of the AC.

Nevertheless, it's going to have to be their lesson and wake up call. For now, you have to find coping mechanisms and manage being on the receiving end.

Such is the extent of this issue now that there are articles and information links being written with the aim of helping parents protect themselves from what is now being termed 'elder abuse'. This term includes many behaviours including being ostracised and bullied into giving in on things such as money, ie 'you can see your grandchildren once you hand over the equity in your house'.

I will post again with more info, I have to go to work. But if the above is you, take comfort by knowing you're not alone and that recognising yourself in this situation is the start of gaining some power over how you deal with it.

Thinking of you all. xx

Glad you've all found the article useful. I'll come back and post more but I'm flat out working at the moment so I'm a bit short on time.

Having the courage to let go is the really big obstacle. No loving parent wants to let go but we can't live our own lives on hold, or be subjected to being caught up in a cruel situation.
With the support of friends and new interests though, and the motivation to seek out a new way to live, it does get easier.

Thatbags, you're right, estrangement isn't new in itself. But it's far more widespread today and the reasons are far more lightweight.

Good post Luckylegs

Yes Rosy terrible unkindness, I don't know how your d.i.l could be so, then I don't know my own D could be so unkind either, no reason for it. Thank God for your lovely Son

Nina59 Well written article, Thank you

Indeed Bags my mother cut us all off from my father's family when I was 7 and my sister 5. This was in 1954. We moved away deliberately and I never saw my GPS again. She spoke kindly of my grandfather but detested my grandmother, her MiL.

I agree, those are wise words. I don't agree that family estrangments are a new or modern phenomenon.

When we've done all we can to make amends, how do we recover? It's very hard and the challenge is not to become bitter or depressed
I know these are the main symptoms but it's these we have to overcome

Wise words Nina