Cuckoo in the nest?

I have experience of adoption within very close family and, like the OP, there is one "good man" and one "bad man", the latter having serious mental health problems caused by in utero problems.

They have both been welcomed within the wider family, although the problems and stress caused by the "problem child" are a cause for deep concern to all of us. We all try to be as supportive as we can.

I would say that you have done a good job in bringing up two such different children and helping them each to find their own paths in life. The fact that your wider family are judgmental about superficialities says more about them than it does about your sons.

I do hope that the wedding goes well and that your son will find happiness second time around.

petalmoore I can understand how hurt you must feel at the way some of your family treat your son. It must be horrible to hear him say that he doesn't feel good enough.

On the positive side, you sound like a very perceptive, sensitive and caring person (with a lovely sense of humour). Unfortunately, some people have difficult journeys through life but it is my view that if there is at least one person who loves them steadfastly for who they are, that will go a long way towards helping them to deal with disappoinments and sad times. It sounds like your son has that in you.

It seems that some of your family members are not just clumsy and awkward in the way they respond to your son but are actively unkind. I think I would be inclined to keep a bit more distance from people like that and socialise more with friends and relatives who have the decency to treat both of your sons with the kindness and respect they deserve.

Totally understand your feelings my son was diagnosed as he and on medication from around the age of eight to eighteen it was a very stressful and difficult time for everyone some family members who I love dearly and my son is also close to now had no understanding at all they were hurtful and intolerant of him however he is now in employment working in recruitment he is successful has a lovely partner and now those same people praise how well he has done however I myself can't forget their behaviour towards him fortunately he has a more forgiving nature and has moved on thank goodness be proud of your son and let others know you are

Petalmoore, I have to say that it sounds like you have been, and continue to be, a very caring mother.
It is difficult not knowing more specifically about the boys and whether there was more serious police involvement with the elder boy that has frightened your extended family into their reactions.
Your family background maybe "professional" but your extended family do not sound very educated or informed on his specific medical issues.
It sounds as though your elder boy maybe sensitive enough to pick up on their reactions, as you certainly are. I do hope that if your sister, et al, do not attend his wedding that he is able not to dwell on this and enjoy his day regardless.
You say your younger son now has a doctorate in educational psychology which I find fascinating considering his brothers problems and wonder if this has helped him in anyway to understand and help or develop a better relationship with his brother. I do wonder if you also know much about your elder son's birth family if they are alive and whether he has wondered himself assuming they know they are both adopted.
Keep up the good work of being a supportive mother to both of your sons needs and help them rise above ignorant prejudices. If we were all the same it would be a very dull world. I'm sure your life has been enlivened and enriched by both of your boys and that you have happy memories from both:-)

I loved the replies to this post and agree with so many things:

The ridiculous snobbery and ignorance of some people in this country is astounding. By 'looking down' on lorry drivers, all they are doing is betraying their own ignorance, and perhaps insecurities. Be proud of both your sons for their achievements. We are all connected, and need lorry drivers as much as (and perhaps more than), other professions.

Watch 'Lion', it is an amazing film. I hope you enjoy the wedding with the people who should be there.

'It ain't over till the fat lady sings', who knows where life will lead these you men, they will have different skills and characters and will not be the sum of their careers alone. They may be good neighbours or heroes or kind friends or wonderful parents........HGV drivers are a family of their own kind, resourceful and hardworking. Sad if people can only see a certain sort of success.

We have yet to see what kind of sons they are to you later in life or even what sort of brothers they are when the chips are down, as they will be at some point. I wouldn't let the judgement of others count for anything at all its what you feel that counts.

Petalmore. Surely your older son IS from a professional family, the family who brought him up. He was brought up, presumably, in the same 'class' as his brother with the same accent and experience of culture.
Your sister avoids anyone 'needy' and is definitely unable to go to a wedding although the date is unspecified. Or are these two different sisters? It's odd some of your relatives are incapable of making occasional small talk with an employed adult man whom they've known since he was a little boy. I think they may have more problems than your older son has!

Just want to say, I am glad you are equally proud of your Sons, you have done a great job.I hope your Sons Wedding will be wonderful for all of you, wish him all the best from GN please x

Petalmoore, it IS BOTH nature & nurture. Your son with adhd was born with a particular nature (his brain is wired differently from the average - we are all on one spectrum or another) which requires a particular kind of nurturing by people who love & understand him & his condition to allow him to develop his talents. You have clearly done a great job given he can hold down a good & responsible job without recourse to treatment of some kind.
It quickly became clear to us that our son-in-law had problems well beyond his dyslexia & when the first Adult ADHD clinic was set up in 2008 at the Maudsley we were able to help him get a diagnosis & treatment (drug & various life strategies). My mother never could accept him & my sister & kids are pretty snooty about him & therefore my DD. Their attitude hurts DD probably more than SiL, but then they are pretty snooty to me & others too. It would be impossible for him to be employed but with our help & massive input from DD, we provide the cocoon in which he can have his own business to do what he can excel in. He can be very challenging, though never dull, for others & us to be around but we realise half of what we are dealing with is his adhd & dyslexia & half is the 35 years of bad or ignorant treatment he had from his parents, teachers & his first business partner who exploited him. I think my DD deserves a medal for sticking by him & deserves more praise than others for whom married life is easy. He, like others with adhd, also need praise, rather than a the condemnation & bad press they get from society in general, for having to fit in with systems, especially in education, that are designed by & for people with thinking/learning styles regarded as the norm.

Unless you can raise their awareness, just ride over the rejections - I wonder if you get upset by them more than he does. Give yourself a big pat on the back too.

I was that child myself. This thread has really helped me realise that I am not alone. I was a well behaved kid, actually did really well at school and had a darned good (white collar) working life but neither side of my family wanted to know, merely because my parents had both been the black sheep of their families and so I was guilty by default. My dad died when I was two and my mother disowned me to her side of the family was I was 11 and subsequently died too. My dad's lot never wanted to know and my mother's lot couldn't get shot of me fast enough as soon as I was legally old enough to leave home. I wish I HAD been adopted. PS I am 52 now and early-retired with a lovely husband, although we met too late to have kids. I'm thankful for what I do have.

It seems to me that some members of your family have never been taught to treat others as they would wish to be treated ie do as you would be done by.

Perhaps they need to have an hour's driving lesson in a 40 tonne articulated truck ( or whatever size lorry your DS1 drives). I have only driven cars and once or twice a Transit van but DH bought me an hour's lesson in a 40 tonne artic on a deserted airfield for a present a few years ago. Good fun driving up and down the airstrip but achieving a 3 point turn was a real challenge. I still admire HGV drivers.

I hope you will all enjoy his wedding day.

Mspjam To have had so much sadness and rejection in your life and yet still to have been able to appreciate and find great comfort in the good things you have now is, I think, inspirational.

Great respect and all good wishes to Petalmore and all who have accepted, with love and strength, the challenges of raising a child who doesn't easily 'fit in'.
Also, to Mspjam and everyone else saying 'I was that child', a heartfelt wish that you find the understanding and love that you hope for and deserve in life.

When I read your letter I felt you were talking about me. We have two adopted children a daughter of 42 and a son of 46,we love them both dearly,but while my daughter is happily married and no bother our son although happily married will not leave home and just visits each day.He has always been accepted by our families so no bother there. But every so often he flies off the handle with a terrible temper and uses foul language usually over nothing. Then when he has cooled down he'll come and give us both a kiss and says how much he loves us.Time means nothing to him and he wouldn't be 5 mins. early to save his life.He too was a long distance lorry driver but does not work now owing to a back injury while working abroad.He gets no benefits so relies on us and his wife to support him.We are both in our 80s and it would be nice to have a peaceful life in our old age.I feel better now I have got that off my chest.

Molly, just read your post. You certainly practise unconditional love, which I admire very much but I do think the strain on you in your eighties is to much, hope you get the peace you need.

I have an adopted daughter and two natural sons I love them all but my daughter is so different she has drank taken drugs had the most terrible relationships But she is the one who now would do anything for anyone I love her with all my heart and would tell anyone who said a word about her where to go family included

Just re reading this thread, think the heading of the OP is a bit telling.

I am not adopted. My brother is. However, I am the one who has never been accepted in my mothers family. I cant speak of my fathers because I was never allowed to be near them as a child and now I am older they are all dead. My father was the youngest of his family by around 15 years.

Most of the other nieces/nephews in his family have been left small legacies in the past but I have never been included. I guess I was forgotten. Not as I blame them.( My brother was not included either).

My grand parents gave money to help my brother out and he lost it in an acrimonious divorce. My aunt (mothers side) did the same and paid out for two expensive gifts as wedding presents. All lost again.

I was not included. Even when my aunt died she left my brother a £3000 legacy. me, nothing. This despite the fact I visited her and even offered to look after her at my home after my uncle passed away and she couldnt cope alone because of disability. She died before taking the offer (not expected).

My brother as you can see is adored by all. He is the apple of my mothers eye. He was/ is given everything. He is a " boomerang" having two failed relationships he is living at home again. He does nothing to help my aging
(now 89) mother.

When we were children I was the "clever " one. I had an education but no thanks to my mother. I am grateful to the state for my grants. My brother wanted to be "in business" so my mother got a business ( a shop - it was profitable) , however, my brother didnt want to work at all and the burden for helping in the shop fell to me. I gave 10 years of my life to it. I was never paid. I was told it would come as an inheritance when my parents died. The profits from the shop went to buy them a nice house and as money for their old age. My brother on the other hand was given an allowance so he could pursue his interests and he squandered the money.

He could be the prodigal son .....

Or maybe everyone just sees me as the "coper" , the "gifted with brains" as someone once said but I have struggled actually. I feel quite aggrieved often and sad no one considers me worth a thought or a thank you, let alone a few quid when they pass on ( yes money does in this context represent thought,. worth and love - anyone who says otherwise is kidding you!).

Now my brother is in the family house he is not likely to be moved as and when my mother passes away. I will be left with 50% ( if I am lucky) of what is in the bank - which isnt what I would have got had I been paid a proper wage.

No doubt my brother will then lose the house as he is debt ridden and wont afford to keep it. Not to mention his current estranged wife is waiting in the wings......

I look after my mum now. I have moved to live near her. My brother still doesnt lift a finger.

I know all about cookoos in nests. But it isnt about being adopted. I will repeat, I am the blood line child. But it seems I am the "Cookoo".

I still love my mum - thats the trouble.

Mariesthat's a very upsetting post. I'm so sorry that you've spent your life being second best to your brother and this may not help but being there for your mum, and loving her the way you do is priceless; for both of you.