My son is 35 and as a rule, is a kind, loving, sensitive man. He has a reasonably good job, a lovely wife and is popular. Family and colleagues (we work for the same company) all speak highly of him. He is intelligent and principled and I know he aspires to be a good person.
We generally have had a good relationship, although he was a bit of a handful in his late teens/mid-twenties and I supported him financially and with advice/emotional support. He used to confide in me a lot at that time so we were reasonably close until he got married - when I was glad to hand him over!
Despite this, he still does have a bit of a 'dark side' that I worry about. He can be quite selfish at times, an example being he plays and watches football regularly and has a group of old friends that he meets a few times per week for an extended session at the 'local' afterwards. This lifestyle seems to be a major priority in his life, often more important than his wife or family and can take up the biggest party of a weekend. At the football/pub sessions he often drinks much more than he can handle (his wife describes him as "a bit of a lightweight") and spends the rest of the day sleeping it off. Whilst he's not at all violent or aggressive, sometimes he can become snappy and argumentative if challenged about it.
His wife, whilst obviously upset and irritated by the behaviour, appears well able to handle it. She will tell him exactly what she thinks and then leave him to it. Apart from this, although she often complains about this particular thing to us (me and his sister), they are mostly a loving couple who, as far as I know, seem to agree on most other things and are happy together.
From his point of view, he just says it's his life and he'll do as he likes and that his wife knew how important football/friends were to him when they met.
I think he is completely immature and selfish but up to now, I have kept this opinion to myself. However I became accidentally caught up in things this weekend when I visited to take a present and he had just arrived home. She made a joking comment that he was "intoxicated" and he immediately got very defensive saying he couldn't do anything right and that we were ganging-up on him. We tried to placate him and laugh it off but he wouldn't leave it alone - as if he was looking for an argument.
I objected to the way he spoke to us (he was downright rude) and it turned in to a full-blown row. Most of what he said was irrational and nonsensical. His wife says this is his normal reaction when had too much to drink - a persecution complex and delusions that he is being misunderstood or picked on.
Whilst he can be a bit bolshie and opinionated at times, he doesn't usually behave like this towards me. I was quite shocked, got very upset and stormed out.
Later, he sent me a text message saying he was "sorry that we had argued" and that he loved me. I was fuming. I didn't see it at all that we had argued, rather that he had been rude and disrespectful to us both and he had shouted at us for telling him so.
Today, still being upset I have text his wife to see how things were. She seems to be quite philosophical about things and says he is "back to normal". There seems to be no major concern on her part about what happened but I do worry that she covers up how upset she really is.
My worry is that he drinks so much on these sessions (he doesn't drink much in-between times) that he will cause himself some harm. Also, that his wife will tire of this and give him the elbow. Or that if they have children, he will carry this behaviour on.
I know that none of this is my business really and as I read back what I have written, I can't help feeling that I sound like an interfering mother. I can't stress how much I don't want to be involved but I feel a responsibility as his mother to let him know what he's risking. I admit that I am ashamed of how he behaves at these times.
But then I think that as an anxious person myself, perhaps I am over-thinking/reacting to things and would do well to chill-out a little myself.
I would be grateful for any comments about what to do next - if anything?
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