My apologies as I read 'wife and family' to mean children. The rest stands.
Parents-in-Law. What do/did you call them?
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Should I say something ?
(44 Posts)My son is 35 and as a rule, is a kind, loving, sensitive man. He has a reasonably good job, a lovely wife and is popular. Family and colleagues (we work for the same company) all speak highly of him. He is intelligent and principled and I know he aspires to be a good person.
We generally have had a good relationship, although he was a bit of a handful in his late teens/mid-twenties and I supported him financially and with advice/emotional support. He used to confide in me a lot at that time so we were reasonably close until he got married - when I was glad to hand him over!
Despite this, he still does have a bit of a 'dark side' that I worry about. He can be quite selfish at times, an example being he plays and watches football regularly and has a group of old friends that he meets a few times per week for an extended session at the 'local' afterwards. This lifestyle seems to be a major priority in his life, often more important than his wife or family and can take up the biggest party of a weekend. At the football/pub sessions he often drinks much more than he can handle (his wife describes him as "a bit of a lightweight") and spends the rest of the day sleeping it off. Whilst he's not at all violent or aggressive, sometimes he can become snappy and argumentative if challenged about it.
His wife, whilst obviously upset and irritated by the behaviour, appears well able to handle it. She will tell him exactly what she thinks and then leave him to it. Apart from this, although she often complains about this particular thing to us (me and his sister), they are mostly a loving couple who, as far as I know, seem to agree on most other things and are happy together.
From his point of view, he just says it's his life and he'll do as he likes and that his wife knew how important football/friends were to him when they met.
I think he is completely immature and selfish but up to now, I have kept this opinion to myself. However I became accidentally caught up in things this weekend when I visited to take a present and he had just arrived home. She made a joking comment that he was "intoxicated" and he immediately got very defensive saying he couldn't do anything right and that we were ganging-up on him. We tried to placate him and laugh it off but he wouldn't leave it alone - as if he was looking for an argument.
I objected to the way he spoke to us (he was downright rude) and it turned in to a full-blown row. Most of what he said was irrational and nonsensical. His wife says this is his normal reaction when had too much to drink - a persecution complex and delusions that he is being misunderstood or picked on.
Whilst he can be a bit bolshie and opinionated at times, he doesn't usually behave like this towards me. I was quite shocked, got very upset and stormed out.
Later, he sent me a text message saying he was "sorry that we had argued" and that he loved me. I was fuming. I didn't see it at all that we had argued, rather that he had been rude and disrespectful to us both and he had shouted at us for telling him so.
Today, still being upset I have text his wife to see how things were. She seems to be quite philosophical about things and says he is "back to normal". There seems to be no major concern on her part about what happened but I do worry that she covers up how upset she really is.
My worry is that he drinks so much on these sessions (he doesn't drink much in-between times) that he will cause himself some harm. Also, that his wife will tire of this and give him the elbow. Or that if they have children, he will carry this behaviour on.
I know that none of this is my business really and as I read back what I have written, I can't help feeling that I sound like an interfering mother. I can't stress how much I don't want to be involved but I feel a responsibility as his mother to let him know what he's risking. I admit that I am ashamed of how he behaves at these times.
But then I think that as an anxious person myself, perhaps I am over-thinking/reacting to things and would do well to chill-out a little myself.
I would be grateful for any comments about what to do next - if anything?
I think you need to step back ,everyone has different ideas about married life and this is theirs.My husband has always had friends he meets up with a couple of times a week often he'll roll in around 2 or 3am ,its not a problem for me...he works hard always has for the 40 odd years we've been together and he enjoys his nights with the boys ...well not so much boys now but they like to think they are....lol.If your DIL really objects to his nights out she'll tell him .If she doesn't then why should you? He's not a child who should be told how to behave ,and maybe like me she believes she married him for who he was so why would she want to change him?
I think you need to let this go and stand back. Is it worth ruining your relationship with your son over it? If he is open to a quiet discussion you could indicate you are worried about his health from alcohol binge drinking but if his wife is ok about it or at least is prepared to put up with it then you should let them get on with it. They are adults, he is not abusive and I am guessing his rudeness was because he felt ganged up on and being drunk responded unthinkingly. In all other aspects he sounds like he is a good son and loves and respects you. You could point out excessive alcohol consumption does affect fertility in both men and women so if he wants a family maybe he should cut back. My son in law used to love his boys nights out drinking but now he and my daughter have an 18 month daughter he says a good nights sleep is more important and doesn't touch a drop. Maybe your son will grow up a bit when or if he is a father.
He is a mature married man who's wife seems to understand him. You can't live his life for him. You are upset and very angry at his behaviour but people do say and do things that they normally wouldn't do when they're drunk. I'm sure he's feeling very ashamed at his behaviour.
You should be able to talk to him about his drinking and the consequences but do it in a quiet way without getting angry. It can and does destroy families but it's his wife who should be talking to him about it as after all she is the one living with it.
I should back away from it and let them sort themselves out. You are not going to be able to get him to stop drinking with his mates however much you might want to.
Pidgeon I dont get why you're "ashamed" of him ...he's just enjoying his life HIS way .Isn't that what we all do in different ways? In the 70's and 80's my husbands wee gang of merry men would roll in after the pub/disco closed and I'd get up and cook for them to help sober them up ,when they all followed car rallies and had an early start I'd get up at 5am and cook them a breakfast ,nowadays there are 24 hour food outlets so its not a necessity.On the 5am starts now they get a Mcdonalds breakfast on the way out I have friends who used to say I was a doormat because I did these things...MY life MY way, I did it because I wanted to I wasn't asked or told to , and we are still happy and together all these years later ,many of them are on 2nd or 3rd marriages .Let your son and DIL live their own lives
Once they have a baby he will find the money isn't there for endless nights out - even if he has the energy for it! He will either grow up and channel all his efforts into his family or the whole relationship will implode very quickly
He does this with friends. Some of them must be married and have wives and family at home. My husband was like that but not a problem with drink. But work football and golf came before us. He was a kind and loving husband and father but liked sport and work. He still watches football most days.
Me I got on and made a life for myself and have lots of interests. In many ways it was the norm for me as my father was in the services and away for very long periods.
OP only say anything if your DIL says there is a problem. There are many different types of marriages that work.
I don't understand why it's your business? What my grown flown daughters do is up to them. Same this.
Deedaa why on earth do you think he has to give up a part of his life if they have a family? Surely we're all allowed some time to enjoy the things we've always done.I dont understand why anyone would think they have to "channel ALL his efforts into his family"
I would leave them to it, make sure your dil knows you wil Support her but I would be more worried that dil gets totally fed up with the life they have and kicks him out and then he returns to live with you! Have a tough talk with him and good luck.
Norah. Would you just ignore seeing your daughter drunk and being obnoxious?. I think most parents would say something if they were standing in front of their son/daughter who was drunk and being downright nasty.
You don't just hand them over when they marry and leave them to whatever!.
Pigeon is worried about her sons drinking.
She has said that it's not really her business but she is his mum and she's very worried about this aspect of his life.
She is worried about his health and the fact that his wife might tire of him.
She has every right to be worried about her sons drinking IMO.
She is clearly fond of her DiL and doesn't want to see the marriage come to an end. An awful lot of marriages do break up because of alcohol abuse.
Hi, I would stay way out of any dissuasion re his marriage coping - if you need to speak to him, speak to him as mother and son and your worries for him as a person and drinking c
Gemmag maybe he was only obnoxious BECAUSE she was sticking her oar in where it wasn't wanted or needed.I certainly wouldn't have wanted my mother telling me what to do when I was 35!
Gemmag my daughters are in their 50s and 30s. They know, without me nattering on, what I think. How they organise their affairs is none of my business.
AC tire of being mothered. Prefer to be the peers that grown people are to each other.
Paddyann. I'm sure you wouldn't but Pigeons son is a lovely young man when he's sober. She has described him as being kind and considerate. If he were my son I would be concerned about his drinking too. Since when did being concerned about your son/daughter make you an interfering mother.
Being concerned about your ds or dd doesn't make anyone "an interfering mother," but trying to tell them how to live their lives does. While I don't think Pigeons would to that, it might be how it comes across to ds. She already objected to his rude behavior and look where it got her.
On second thought, he was drunk then. Maybe talking with him when he's sober and letting him know that you're concerned would be ok, Pigeons. But dil may already have spoken to him - that might be why he tried to apologize.
Paddyann, if he comes home drunk, rude and defensive when he goes out drinking, then he will have to change this a little if a baby comes along. At least, that's my opinion. Either he'll be wise enough to figure this out himself or dil will have to put her foot down. But that's an "if" and they're not even there yet.
Gemmag Concern about a son/daughter does not make one an interfering mother. Talking about something none of mums business does make one an unwanted interfering mum.
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