Is blood thicker than water.?

I think it's very different wanting, expecting and hoping to be close to your children than it is with siblings.
As you say siblings can often be very different personalities. H speaks to his sister once or twice a year. My brother and I have never socialised but do help each other when needed.
Our children are part of us though and it's a whole different set of emotions. I won't say more as I know there are several members of GN that have to deal with this.

It's true we can pick our friends but not our relatives. Most families I know have some sort of difficult relationship with a family member. I have no blood family apart from my children and grandchildren and used to find these rifts difficult to understand. I realise now though that just because you are related to someone it does not follow that you will be friends. I am envious of those families who are close and support each other but fear they are in the minority.
As ninathenana says our relationships with our children are a whole different thing.

I sometimes think that family relationships are practice for relationships outside the family.

We learn to rub along with people of all personalities within the family because of the link of blood and propinquity and that gives us the skills to rub along with people with whom we have no ties.

Obviously this is a generalisation and one can always think of the exceptions, but I have found that many of the people who seem to have the most problems with social relationships outside the family have equally problems with family relationships.

Excellent point MOnica. If people can't negotiate the trials and tribulations within family relationships, how will they be able to cope with friendships, workplace relationships and the myriad of 'relationships' we all face during our life time.

My personal experience starbird is no, blood isn't thicker than water and I've never felt that it should be. Abusive and/or toxic behaviour is unacceptable regardless of where it comes from. We raised our boys to be respectful and tolerant of everyone, not just us as their parents or other family members.

And no, I don't think that "we should struggle to stay close to our families, especially our children, if it seems obvious that they have no time or respect for us". Sometimes people still say to me about our ES 'but he's your son!!', yes he is and we love him but he's cruel and emotionally abusive so we have taken him at his word that we are no longer a part of his life and walked away.

Smileless - I agree mostly with what you say, but I am (at this moment) trying to find a way to 'reach' my daughter (in USA) as she has'cut me off' for months now - all very well, but it's the grandchildren I miss. I can hardly bear it. I cannot believe that I have raised a daughter who can treat me so coldly especially as I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to have 'done'... I'm clutching at straws, for instance asking if a friend might try writing to her on my behalf.
I was very struck by your words about your son - that he's cruel and emotionally abusive... my word, they really did strike a chord. But again, it's the grandchildren I miss..... heartbreaking to say the least. I know a lot of people in my siutation, so I think the answer is - No, blood is NOT thicker than water.....
Oh, and PS - my son won't speak to me either....... is it me???

I wonder if one reason for the increasing number of family rifts is because we have the choice now, whether to stay together, or split up. More money about so people can find their own place, far from those who get on their nerves.
Whereas previously most people were stuck together in one house, or one village, and had to make the best of it.
They were more dependent on eachother financially too.

My husband has no contact with his two sisters. When one of them lost her son she sent the police to our house to tell us. My husband decided to contact her under the circumstances, and he arranged the funeral, and paid for it. Then she did something awful. She contacted my daughter's boss and said dreadful things about her. She didn't even know my daughter, not having seen her since she was three. Nasty letters were then sent, so we cut off all contact and will never speak to her again. I hate her for the way she's hurt my husband and daughter for no reason.

As an only child, I always longed for siblings, and vowed I would never have an only child myself.

So it is a huge heartbreak to me that my three children don't get along well. The two boys still live at home with us and rarely interact. I insist on us all having dinner at the table together, and that's about the only time they talk together.

My daughter lives independently with her daughter and when they are here there is precious little interaction between the siblings.

They are just three very different personalities, who have different likes, interests, and lifestyles. They just don't have much in common.

I have tried very hard to bring them together, but I have realised that just as you can't force outside friendships, you can't force sibling friendships either.

I wish it was, it would make things so much simpler.

I used to worry that the family problems we have were unique but having been on here a few months now, I see that they are not.

Nowt as queer as folk so thay say, and they'd be right.

You've made some very good points here. Yes, we must learn to rub along with others and family is a good place to start.
My dad was a 'problem person' and it wasn't only family who found him difficult to deal with due to his very argumentative ways.
I see little of my two brothers but have a twin sister with whom I've little in common (chalk and cheese) but we see each other twice a week.
And obviously we choose our friends because of a common thread.

I don't think blood is thicker than water. I have a Stepdad and a biological father. The latter walked away when I was 4, had little to do with us apart from a few meetings when I was a teenager and then nothing until I hit my late 40's. My Stepdad brought me up from the age of 7 and then met a woman who didn't want him to be involved with us any more as she had 2 children of our own as we were "nothing to do with him." Regrettably, he chose to grab the chance of happiness with this woman so we didn't see him much for a fair few years. Now he too is back on the scene. As much as I want a relationship with my real father, it is my Stepdad who I feel more comfortable with and is more important to me. I can't explain why I feel like that but it is just the way it is. Blood is definitely not thicker than water as far as I am concerned.

Jealousy plays a large part where families just don't get on with one another. We all have the chance to improve our lives. I have no siblings. My problem was an older cousin who from my childhood to becoming an adult treated me with contempt. Even more so when I became a mother.I could never to this day understand what made her be like that to me.

I think we all wish our children have a good relationship and surely out parents hoped for that too, so how do they feel when siblings won't speak to each other I wonder? I count myself as very very lucky that my family have weathered a bumpy ride and come out on good terms and my heart breaks for some of the people whose stories I have read on Gransnet

Short answer is No! We are a family of Steps and adoptions and remarriages. There has been a lot more love between those who choose to be together than those born together. Its all about working at the relationships with love and respect, and then perhaps admitting that some relationships are just never going to work and letting them go with dignity.

Like HurdyGurdy I was an only child and always wanted a family. I was fortunate to have 4, 3 daughters and a son. Their dad left when the eldest was 15 and the youngest 6. Very little contact with him as he moved away and married twice more! We are all very close and they have taken my 2nd DH, who I married after they all left home, to their hearts. They all keep in contact and some years we have wonderful family Christmases! I am blessed indeed! Phone calls from the girls every week - not so often from my son, but the old saying is - "a son's a son till he gets him a wife, a daughter's a daughter all her life"! I guess we were very close when they were children, hard-up too - they are all good at managing money!

As a family of two parents and 3 children, we all rubbed along together. My parents have both passed away and myself, my sister and brother are still just as close. However, when we get round to extended family its a different story. One of my aunts has caused so much trouble since she returned on the scene after 50 years absence. So she got her marching orders. We do not have anything to do with one set of cousins because they are so awful, and we don't care if we never saw them again! We are happy in our own little unit. That's Life!

my sister "abdicated" from the family after my dad died,the only reason we could think of was she didn't want responsibility for mum,who always had health problems.Whenever there was a serious health issue we'd contact her,by letter as she changed her phone number ,she never visited ,even when mum was dying 12 years later .My mothers attitude was "if she cant come and see me while I'm alive ,dont let her come and cry crocodile tears when I'm gone" .My other sister and I didn't feel we could exclude her from the funeral so managed to get a message to her through her daughter(on FB ) .She did come to the funeral supported by her partners parents and cried buckets of tears ,then said she was too upset to stay after the service.We didn't see her again for over ten years when she turned up to see a visiting relative from abroad...we haven't seen her since.She nods if she sees us in the street ,I'm convinced people think we did something awful to her but I spoke to a friend of hers who says she always says she had a wonderful childhood and fantastic parents ....who knows whats going on in her head

I find my family very irritating at times - their attitudes can be very annoying.

My brother only speaks to me when he wants something, which is fine because he refused to speak to me for year when I told my niece off for something, so she went crying to daddy and mummy instead of being the grown up woman she's supposed to be. That's all blown over now and we are all civil to each other.

My sister is very argumentative at times, and my mother has no mouth filters.

So, I pull up the drawbridge from time to time to allow myself some breathing space and will make contact when I'm ready again.

Blood thicker than water? For some yes, but as I get older I seem to be drifting away and pleasing myself more than others who I've helped all through my life. I don't feel resentful - I just want some peace and quiet! :D

Maidmarion im having the same problem with eldest DS who lives in America. I get one message a year from him wishing my happy birthday and when I ask him why I don't hear from him at any other time he just ignores me!
The tw eldest GC are 23 and keep in touch but I have no contact with the youngest who is only 11. I met his father when he was 5 (his mum had passed away) so I'm the only mum he's ever known. His father and I are divorced and he still keeps on touch with him.
But after thus latest dismissal I've decided that I can't spend any more energy worrying about it and letting it affect my life. Very sad.

I haven't had contact with my eldest sister or 2 older brothers since my dad died in 2013. Nothing to do with money. Things were said, there's no going back. I have regularly contact and meetings with 2 other sisters.

My relationship with my youngest sister was, for a long time, very cool, but it was always friendly at family get togethers and each would be there like a shot if the other was in any trouble, but we didn't often get together by ourselves.

After our surviving parent died, we had several heart to heart conversations and I found out that her coolness to me had been based on a premise that had nothing to do with me directly and was wrong anyway. We now have a very happy relationship and both of us are so glad that we made the effort to keep our relationship friendly and civil during the difficult years, particularly as our middle sister died suddenly some years ago.

There can be no hard and fast rules, as every family is different. If you get on with everyone in yours, count yourselves as incredibly lucky, as that is the exception rather than the rule. In our case, we're estranged from our eldest son as we simply couldn't take any more of his self-centred, emotionally abusive behaviour, and his attitude towards us as nothing more than a soft touch for money. So no... blood is not thicker than water. At least we can choose our friends, and when you find good ones, you've struck true gold.

MaidmarionI know how you feel we miss our GC too. The eldest is 5 and we haven't seen him since he was 8 months old. The other is coming up to 18 months and we've never seen him.

We send them cards for their birthdays and at Christmas, always buying 2 so the other can go in their memory box. I hope you are able to reconnect with your D and GC. We've been estranged now for over 4.5 years, it's hard but life goes on.

I think there is no hard and fast rule - it depends on each family. Families range from being enormously close to not at all close.

I too am an only child and, now that I'm older, feel that it would be really lovely to be able to give and receive support from a sibling at difficult times in life, and to reminisce about old times. I realise that that is the ideal and quite often doesn't happen.

I have a few very lovely friends but I wonder if growing up together and having shared memories can produce a special sort of honesty and closeness that is difficult to match in a friendship.

My own two children are very different in their approach to life and rarely socialise because they have so little in common. But they would offer each other support in times of trouble.