Arriving unannounced

Oh dear, lovely comments from some but I feel others take life toooo seriously and if they met would have stand up confrontation. I also think some posters could also stoop to trolling eventually. Let's face it girls/ladies/people everyone has an opinion but that doesn't mean they are wrong or right and don't need to crticise.

I do not like people coming to my house without letting me know they are coming either. I think it is only polite, I would need to get beds made up and food got in for them and I do not like being caught on the hop. I love to see them though, don't get me wrong. Just prefer them to let me know first..after all we all have our own arrangements too don't we? I would be very disappointed if someone I am friends with arrived and I was out. My In-Laws did this to me shortly after my son's birthday...to deliver his present they said. We were in the swing park and they came looking for us. I was quite put out as I wasn't expecting to feed two more people for dinner. With my son it is different because he only lives round the corner and often pops in to see us for a quite chat/check to see if we are alright. He does not need feeding or a bed to sleep in. He has his own.

with my family people often drop by without prior arranangement. As long as we don't all just let ourselves in, and knock on the door or ring the doorbell and wait to be let in. In the days before texts and mobile phones, a tap on the door or a ring of the doorbell was enough to announce the arrival of visitors. But after saying that, I'm sat here with a towel wrapped round my head and a dressing gown on after a leisurely bath and hope no one calls!

When my daughters lived 4 and 6 hours away we always phoned or texted and so did they. Now one in only 10 mins away, but she still texts and so do we just because it works for us.

I have a key to my daughters house "for emergencies". These include me waiting in her house for the boiler man, new furniture, to feed the cat if she is away or sometimes Tesco's. We don't have any spare keys so she gets ours when we are on holiday to collect the post or sometimes feed our cat. Otherwise she comes for dinner during the week (arranged) or drops in unannounced if she wants something. If I "want something" I ring first (have rung outside her house from the car) and say "are you in?" This approach seems to be appreciated.

As many have said, it's each family's rules which count, not ours. I hate being surprised, and when my DD lived nearer, she would always send a text, "Are you in? Do you fancy a visit?" I wouldn't call in on my mother unannounced, either, as I know she doesn't like it.

My husband's family, on the other hand, are the type who will drop by through the back door without knocking. That's their way.

I suppose each to their own, etc.

It would be nice to be close enough to do it! My MIL leaves her door open half the time (I don't just mean unlocked), so unannounced visitors can call (or any passing murderers I guess!). That is old fashioned village life for you. No one ever made formal arrangements and I'm not sure they even knocked. Fortunately she is not close enough to do it to us, though DD's MIL is, and does. I have no idea what it would be like to be close enough to call round on my own family - might be nice.

Some families do, some don't but I would imagine the problems arise when there is a difference of opinion!
Much as I love surprises I would be horrified if anybody let themselves into our house, and would appreciate an hour or so's warning from even the loveliest DGCs in the world (so that Granny can make the beds and get her "slap"on!!)

No wonder we are becoming a nation of lonely people we are losing the skills of engaging with others. I loved it when the kids were small and half the street came in and ut every day , stayed the night to watch the midnight movie, ate doughnuts for breakfast.

I love it now when someone turns up that I wasn't expecting, get that kettle on and rattle the bicuit tin, we are living, buttoned up lives and then complain we don't know our neighbours or have not seen anyone for days.

There is a spare key here, and anyone who knows me is welcome to turn up and make themselves at home until I get back when I will give them a proper welcome.

Offer a welcome and expect a welcome, isn't that the way of things now? Family life is meant to be tribal not nuclear......

I think I would send a quick test or make a quick phone call, just to see if they were home, or in case they had visitors, hope that helps x Children, even grown up ones, think it;s fine for them to just "drop in" but not for the parents. strange, but that;s just the way it is x

I know that DD prefers us to call and find out if it is convenient to call, so we always do, and although she knows she could come and go here as she pleases, she wouldn't dream of not asking. The same with DS. I think it is always good manners; the only time I have dropped in on my best friend without ringing ahead first was when I was coming back from a fishing trip and knew she had not been well so I bought some flowers locally. I had no intention of going past the doorstep as I was scruffy and not particularly clean, but she insisted I stay for tea and cake, and I would have done exactly the same with her, but it is not usual.

Paddy give me your address please, it sounds so nice at yours, I feel like popping round

So sorry for your situation, Poly. (((Hugs))) Like some pps, I think it's about more than just dropping in unannounced though.

Personally, I agree with those who say the dropping in thing differs from family to family. It was never popular in mine, but I know families where it is.

If it's customary in your family or among your friends for relatives to pop in, now and then, with just a call ahead, I can understand why you, dh and ds felt it was ok to do this with dd. And I get why you were shocked when she asked you not to. But I hope all of you respected her request. If you don't mind, was there an argument over this? Or other issues that you differed about?

Friends are always welcome (I have few relatives, but they too would be welcome). I can usually manage to make a cup of tea and a biscuit, however neither my fiends nor my relatives would expect to stay, we do not have the room. A surprise visit is always a pleasure.

Our children all have keys to our house! It cost a fortune when we had to change the lock recently and needed to but 8 sets!!

That sounds lovely paddyann how kind you are. I find hospitality quite difficult at times. Think I should relax a bit more.

I love unexpected visitors ,people know they are always welcome in my home.I'll happily find food for as many as want it and make scones and pancakes while they stand and talk to me with a glass of wine in hand ...I'm even happier when they stay over so we can have a good old blether and make a big cooked breakfast before they leave.Its how my family has always been ,how my daughter is too .I've always thought we were "normal"Yesterday I had 5 extra for dinner ..and we all had a lovely time .

I am at my daughter's house quite a lot due to childcare commitments over a period of 8 days and use my key even when she is at home. (At her request)

However when her partner returns home (he works away) I always text or call first if I wish/ need to visit.
And I do not use my key
I ring the doorbell .

It's about respecting boundaries and each other's privacy. I wouldn't want family dropping by unexpectedly I'm afraid. I always send a text or call first and family do the same back. It's emabarrssing for everyone if you drop round at an inconvenient time.

I wish I could drop in on my DiL, announced or unannounced, but it involves an 11-hour flight, or a 5 hour train journey.

So, you're into reading articles on etiquette 'frowned upon' how very English! (N.B. English)

Let me tell you what is bad etiquette. My DD and her family call in on me on their way back from visiting their cousins in Gloucester this afternoon. They have a present for us for our garden.

I greet them all the door and make it clear they are unwelcome because they might be 'inconveniencing' me. Or welcome them in, tell SiL to put the kettle on, and settle down to hear about their day and admire my new raspberry canes.

Go figure!

www.historic-uk.com/CultureUK/british-etiquette/

This->"Conversely, should you arrive too early to a dinner party this could also appear slightly rude and ruin the atmosphere for the evening if the host is still completing their preparations. For the same reason an unannounced house call is often frowned upon for risk of inconveniencing the home owner."

There's no need to even bring the word 'rude' or 'bad manners' into it. It's simply enough to express your opinion that it's not something that you would do or expect others to do. That is quite acceptable.

This is a culture thingy I'd say. I may disapprove of people coming into my house and not removing their outdoor shoes, but I'd never call them rude, because I accept that that is their way of doing things.

I should have said "in my opinion" it's quite rude to drop in and we wouldn't.

OP asked how people would react. I would feel DD was correct, to herself and her family. I would have given her lots of space after apologising profusely.

It may well be that her DH doesn't like pop ins.

But, I would guess there is more to this estrangement than pop ins?

Our children have keys to our house, the one that lives the nearest, only a mile away, often comes around unannounced, still gets post that comes here Occasionally he has come up the stairs and scared the s**t out of me when I have been on my own at the top of the house, we have 3 floors. Yes sometimes it gets on my wick, not enough to take the key away. Ironically, when he did live with us he lost numerous keys, but somehow has managed to retain the one he last had when he lived at home, I suppose that's why I let them keep their keys, it was their home once. Although personally, I wouldn't drop in uninvited on them, not that I have a reciprocal key for their homes or particulary want any.