Arriving unannounced

What a lovely dad you have Bikergran God Bless him. For your dear dad

When I lived at home my dad (after visiting the local hostelry} would often invite anyone who was sat around on their own we often had a complete stanger sat at our Christmas dinner table lol///Dad used to feel sorry for them ..!my mum of course would feed them and then "encourage " them to leave....my dad would them slope off to bed to avoid the aftermath lol...we often laugh about it now, it was usually some oldish chap on his own so don't think mum minded too much..

I can call on my mum any time. I didn't grow up in a house with visitors, but she likes to have the people she likes around for a chat.

The reason I don't like unexpected callers is that im afraid ill be judged for a less than tidy house and a less than tidy me!

You arrived without prior notice, D is unhappy. I think she may have a point, apologise to D and SIL.

Sorry for the delay in responding. My friends Husband died and I wanted to be with her.
My DM was the eldest of 11, I am the youngest of 6 children. We all grew up going in and out of each other's houses and all received a warm welcome. I also understand that not everyone is the same and I wouldn't dream of arriving unannounced anywhere. I was raised with good manners.
I have always text our DD to see if it was ok to call in. This one incident, we had arranged on the phone that the next time I was passing I would drop some gifts off at her house which family memembers had left with me.
I arrived with the gifts which was a problem for our sil and that's fine. I was shocked at the way I was spoken to......Do not arrive unannounced because I will have to accommodate you. Snotty, rude and aloof. Something had changed drastically because what I would have expected would have been , hey mum just give us a quick text before you call......
We are still estranged because she wants it that way. All stems from MIL because she has always felt and cried that she would lose her son once he took a wife, our DD.
I am so sorry for all of you who are estranged from you DC. It's not right, life is too short. Wishing you all well x
One thing I would like to point out is when we are texting or emailing our families you can see from the threads on hear how easy it is for people to read something out of nothing or "assume".....without facial expression things can quickly be misconstrued. Worth thinking about!

My mum never lets me know she's coming round or checks if it's OK. It is frequently & usually for several hours. And it causes me much stress at times.
In turn I would never dream of doing such a thing before visiting my daughters. They have their own lives & I think it's wrong to just turn up at 'my convenience' so I always plan ahead & make arrangements.

I think we are all very different and that makes life a lot more interesting. I can really enjoy visitors but give sigh of relief when they go because I need a lot of time on my own

Vive la difference!

I can empathise with you slightyflighty and you have obviously found a solution that works for you.I thought at first you were unhappy about the situation but maybe you have learnt to cope. Best wishes.

Greenfinch

I am just very very introverted. People exhaust me. We have come up with some compromises and solutions over the years and I still somewhat have to deal with lots of people because in addition to DD and DGS, I have 3 other young children at home still and they have friends and activities so there are always people in and out of the house. I just have learned to deal and hide in my room when I need to recharge

How sad that you are so different.Has there not been any compromise over the years?I used to be like you but DH invites all and sundry round and I find I have got quite used to it and really enjoy it now.If you can't beat them ......

I drive my mother batty as I don't care for guests period. Either announced or unannounced. Hubby loves guests and is all for "the more the merrier" Both my mother and my hubby hate that I won't give anyone who doesn't currently live in my home a key. And if I haven't invited someone to visit, I don't even answer the door.

My DD and DGS are staying with us while my DSIL is deployed and DD loves guests just like her dad. So I just disappear when she has people over

... but that involves a visitor

Not rampant day-time sex then?

yogagirl that's your theory shot out of the water....although there are still others who might just???

Anya, what is a 'bad' time to arrive?

I had an uncle who was a very early riser (4.30am) and had an aversion to traffic. One weekend my parents invited him and my aunt for the day. Their journey was from London to Berkshire. On the day concerned there was a ring on the door bell just after 7.30am - and there they were. Our family were barely out of bed, my father went to the door in his pyjamas. They were told politely to go away and come back at 10.00am.

Bad times for me would be when I have limited time to do something. In the past this included things like completing a task of gardening/decorating/housework, before leaving to collect the children from school, visits as I am just about to leave the house for an appointment, visits when I am not well, especially when I have migraine, when I am in the bath, when I am having a sleep, when I have work that needs to be completed and handed in to meet a deadline, when I just wanted a quiet morning/afternoon to myself. There are no end of reasons why a visit may be at a bad time.

DD works from home on a shift system, such is the nature of her work she does not even answer the door when at work. She has explained to all regular visitors; postie, regular delivery drivers and they know and leave parcels round the back or outside the door, giving her a wave as they go by the window where they can see her working.

I find the idea that we are all archtypal 1950s housewives, dancing around our houses in little pinnies with feather duster, with nothing in our heads, and nothing to do that cannot be dropped the moment someone calls quite bizarre. Everybody has demands in there lives, whether in their own homes or outside and visitors should have the common sense to realise it.

It strikes me as being very selfish of someone to think that if they choose to knock on someone's door without warning, that the person inside will immediately drop everything, no matter how urgent, to present them with a smiling face, a cup of tea and an hour or so of their time.

Ah ha! Wondered about that yoga now all is clear AND we now have a good idea of who's at it!!

Anya It's called SEX! yes during the day

I'm intrigued by this notion of catching people 'at a bad time'

I'm guessing that it's very rare for unannounced visitors to arrive first thing in the morning when one might still be undressed, unwashed and somewhat unwelcoming. That I can understand.

Likewise late in the evening when one might be plugged into a favourite TV show or engaged in something more physical interesting. But who visits unannounced after, say, 9.00pm.

So what could possibly be a cause for inconvenience or arriving at a 'bad time' during the day? Do we perhaps have an aversion to being made to stop cleaning the house to attend to the uninvited or is it a case that some of us adhere to the Miiss Haversham school of housework and are ashamed to admit guest into our abode for this reason?

Perhaps they might be interrupting our attempts at the Times crossword? Or an interesting book or, surely not daytime TV that slippery slope (with apologies to bags) into lethargy.

Could we be kitted out in thick gloves tacking the garden, pruning and weeding like dervishes? Or up to our elbows in homemade bread kneading? Running our own business from home or perhaps stripping wallpaper and redecorating?

I'd love to know just what is so important in some people's lives that they can't strip off their pinnies/gardening gloves/goggles/turn off the TV and put the kettle on for a family member or friend, especially those that turn up with cake.

Please tell me as I'm absolutely intrigued

Dear Poly580,
I don't think you are rude at all.
As others have said it is down to individual families how to arrange visits but my dear old Mum was always welcome and she welcomed me unannounced too.
Your daughter does need to return her key or change the locks and invest in a keysafe.
She helped herself to food from your freezer????

My children usually check before they appear, mainly to save a wasted journey, but I'd be horrified if they thought they couldn't just turn up. I would never be cross with them for just walking in and in all instances would be delighted to see them. They just walk in and shout "Hello". Long may it continue.
They all still have keys and know they would be welcome to use it if we were not here, it was their home for many years and I like to think it still feels that way.
However, I would never walk into their homes unannounced and would always check before going, just to make sure they were not doing anything else that I would be disturbing.

Not sure what a few mutually agreed social parameters have got to do with increased loneliness. Far better to be a welcomed guest and a welcoming host because you have both worked out that its convenient to visit.
Mind you I am one of those people who delays making a phone call to people I have not yet got to know because I'm worried whether I will catch them at a bad time!

I can imagine nothing more lonely than driving some distance to see someone - and finding nobody in because you hadn't checked whether they would be there.

I can remember when I was 8, coming home from school half way through the morning because I was not feeling well. When I got home, I could get in, but the house was empty, my mother had gone out to do the shopping. I can remember even now the sense of utter desolating loneliness that engulfed me until my mother returned 20 minutes later. Had I known that she might be out, as happened at other times, I would have been fine.

I would never risk inflicting that on myself again. Especially today, in the age of mobile phones.

No wonder there's an epidemic of loneliness

Dropping in unannounced is customary in many cultures even among non family members. I lived outside of the US for fifteen years so I speak from experience. Having said that, I always found it mildly irritating and disrespectful if someone just drops in and I'm not ready for company.