Older people seen as a burden.

A beautifully written post Absent, brought a tear to my eye.

Well that's something to bear in mind wildswan, maybe some parents didn't do a very good job in raising their children. So it can be a bit of a double edged sword for some, they're getting older and their own flesh and blood, their children regard them as a burden, because they didn't raise them properly.

If you pop onto Mumsnet you'll see what some people think of their older relatives and some of the rationale behind that thinking beggars belief.
N&G I think Rigby has said that she pops over to GN from Mumsnet so probably has a good insight into what is said over there.

Yes, there are many 'entitled young people' and we do know one or two of them but thankfully most of my friends' families of 30 to 40 year olds are not like that.

Incidentally, we couldn't afford to go to the pub (or anywhere really) when we were in our 30s and our children well remember that - DD1 still remembers when she told Daddy that 'Mummy needs a new dress, she never buys anything for herself'. She must have been about 9 at the time.
And so many of us are trying our best to help by caring for grandchildren - as well as spending a bit of our own money on holidays!

That is a lovely post absent and I agree, we tend to forget the bad times when we became so stressed with looking after elderly parents as well as caring for our children, the times when we felt like going down to the bottom of the garden and screaming. We just remember the love and care our parents gave to us and hope our children have the same memories.

I think people now are bloody squeamish, what is wrong with them? They seem unable to cope with actual caring for anybody.......the fuss some of them make over changing the baby is beyond belief. We have our own home and rooms for every so are removed from other people's bodily needs most of the time.....wealth has made us so fastidious that we can barely cope with anything.

My son, told his sister that she has to do the rest of the 'caring for me' he has 'done his share'.that included all the hard work like taking the hoover upstairs for me or getting the shopping in from the car............he'd faint if I had a commode to empty.

There is much to be said for the proximity provided by poverty for teaching people how to care for one another..........and yes the post from Absent was really moving......thanks you for sharing that.

Beautiful Absent. Lovely memories. Some of us lost our mums early in life (I was 5) so extra love was transferred to my dad, who was wonderful as a mum and dad,and who gave up so much (promotion, etc.) so we could be a grounded family. For that, our gratitude knows no bounds.

Absent - you were very lucky to have had such a warm and loving relationship with your mother.

However, as wildswan has indicated, some mothers are difficult and demanding and unable to show love to their children, causing them all sorts of problems as adults. These are often the very parents who expect their children to look after them.

If I need care when I am old, I do not expect (and will not demand that) my children will provide it. They will probably be out at work all day providing for their own families if their jobs have not been replaced by robots.

I wouldn't be too critical of the younger generation. We had it so much easier than them and I wouldn't like to be in thier shoes.

Well I doubt I'm that much of a nuisance as I have their children to stay every time they ask without fail & also over school holidays, pick them up from school when needed (one DiL doesn't work but I am still happy to do it) & countless other things
I very rarely ask them to do anything for us with the exception of asking electrician son to fit a new pond pump (15 mins) or replace a wall socket (10 mins).
My own Mother lived 250 miles away when boys were young so I got very little help but I wouldn't have said she was a nuisance (apart from moving 250 miles away!!)
Maybe they just enjoy a moan over a few glasses of Prosecco.

I totally agree with you Rigby, all the younger generation that I know work extremely hard; juggle work with bringing up families, struggle with guilt over not having enough time for their children and still have time and good relationship with their parents. They do indeed work far harder than we ever did, most of them working full time which most women of my generation didn't.
I looked after my mother for the last 5 years of her life, she came to live with us, i don't begrudge one minute of it and never considered her a burden. She was a wonderful loving mother.
My children loved coming to see her and helped out whenever they could. I too hope that my children now have a' picture shaped by our family '... loving and caring.

I agree with LuckyLegs9 that a lot of the inter-generational moaning is encouraged by the media because it suits their agendas. On an individual basis I would guess almost all of us appreciate our children and our children appreciate us. It's when you get people lumped together as a mass and portrayed as 'the elderly' clogging up the NHS and costing a fortune that its easier to moan. The other nice generic bit of media labelling currently in fashion is to talk about 'hard working families/taxpayers' encouraging them to feel hard done by. Also it seems to me there is less mixing between age groups than there used to be when families were larger and lived close to one another, so its easier to divide us by encouraging stereotypes.

I have two sons and don't expect or want, them or my daughters in law to look after me when I can no longer do so. I (and they) are grateful that Theresa May has proposed that we be allowed to keep £100,000 of my assetts for me to spend or they to inherit while the State picks up the rest of the bill to look after me should it become necessary. Frankly, why should the State do that? And why on earth put a cap on it? Where is all this money coming from when hospitals can no longer care properly for the sick due to lack of resources? I say no cap, and those with no immediate family should be encouraged to donate or bequeath even the first £100 000 to the NHS, so that the truly poor and homeless can be cared for in accordance with the original vision of the welfare State.

it's the Intergenerational Foundation and its founder Angus Hanton who have caused a lot of strife between the generations. He was on the telly again the other week stirring it up.
A baby boomer with teenage children, he has enjoyed many of the unearned advantages of belonging to this cohort
Don't worry Angus, our 'unearned wealth' will pay for our care if none of our families want to look after us in our dotage.
He is acutely aware of the consequent accumulation of debts that are being passed on to younger generations today.
Unfortunately that will mean also that we cannot pass on our vast 'unearned wealth' to our descendants.

The younger generation of Mumsnetters can be so nasty about parents but that can not be very clever because barring accidents they will one day be the older generation.
The younger people use their children as currency in trying to get parents to do as they want us to do. The children our grandchildren will perhaps understand that one day.
I looked after my elderlies as did my parents. We all inherited. It now seems like we are expected to hand over cash and provide for our adult children who claim to be adults in that they dont have to listen to us older and probably wiser folks but we have to accept the demand for money.
It is not nice to be coping with demands for money while being criticised.
I am keeping a low profile away from all of the above.

When I was growing up I used to blame my parents for everything.

...then I stopped and became an adult.

All we can do is love our kids and as we know, true love is unconditional.

Absent that was lovely, you made cry. My mum died aged 95 in January and I was very very lucky to have had a lovely mum. She had to go into a care home where my sister and I visited most days as she was only a 20 minute walk away. She was a bit forgetful even asking if her parent were still alive. She always knew it was me which I was very grateful for. I miss her so much but always think I was one of the lucky ones.

Babies and kids are burdensome too. It's possible for something to be both a burden and a delight, a welcome burden. I wonder how many of those younger people mentioned in the OP really would just abandon their burdensome parents to their fate when the chips were down? One can assume and one can worry too much.

If the reasons cited were trivial, as the OP suggests, then I think they were just having a wee moan.

My parents were and are burdensome sometimes and I know I was burdensome to them sometimes. That's life.

I was probably a hellish teenager and reminded myself of that fact when mine were difficult

Yes Grampie "true love is unconditional" and it cuts both ways; the love a parent has for their child and the love a child has for his/her parents.

I think it is very hard to form a conclusion about and judge a whole generation based on a single eavesdropped conversation. Sometimes it is the trivial things that become the final straw in a stressful situation

Lilylilo I don't agree that the younger generation are working harder. I worked from my DD being 15 months old until she was 5 & my DH left us. I then had 3 years at College working through the 3 months summer break. After that I joined the Civil Service (full time), my parents lived 250 miles away from myself & DH (3rd marriage). Holidays were spend with my parents.

The younger generation appear to want everything, own house, new appliances, cars each, holidays abroad, I could never afford that. I made do with 2nd hand mostly until DH & I retired when we spent our Pension lump sum & bought some new things. When we moved, downsized we did buy some new furniture & when I further downsized after DH died I bought a property which allowed me some money for furniture & refurbishment.

I do agree not all younger people moan about us & too blame the press for any negative feelings.

It depends on the individual, doesn't it? My mum took in her mother into our (much too small) house to care for her. They didn't get on too badly but granny was an old Victorian lady, very strait-laced and not that pleasant. She used to make mum cry by saying cruelly that she (mum) didn't care for her, etc. She could only do her best for a difficult character.
Mum used to say that she didn't want to be a burden when she got old but as she passed away in her mid seventies she didn't live long enough.
OTOH dad was a right old so-and-so and didn't improve with age. I lived about 200 miles away, elder brothers had given up on him as he'd been too rude to them too often, picking arguments and belittling them so my sister got the brunt of it. Despite saying that she was his favourite he treated her badly too. After he died she had a nervous breakdown and is only now really coming out of that.
My MIL doesn't get on with her surviving son (my BIL) and it's been a difficult few years. She recently had a diagnosis of Alzheimers/vascular dementia. Always a 'look at me, me, me' type she's not enjoying getting older. She goes into a nursing home this week as BIL can't stand the strain of her living in her own home any longer. She would test the patient of a saint. If I had the space I'd take her in myself but my house is just too small. Plus I think that I'd be ready for a home for the bewildered myself if I did that.
My dear late hubby said after each visit that his 'brains were rattling' as she does all the talking but we did all the thinking iyswim. An unhappy situation all round.

I u derstand why Luckylegs write this on here. I am 80 years old and am afraid to ask my sons fir help. I am thinking of putting myself in a care home. I just wish there was euthanasia for me. The youngsters (not all) Re selfish and greedy. They have more than 2 holidays pert year plus all the other things. I adored my parents and would do anything for them, funny old world.

Sorry to agree with some of you and disagree with others.

Perhaps some of us become sweeter and gentler as we get older. And others of us become more cantankerous and aggressive.

I can see some younger people feeling aggrieved with some older people, but it goes both ways. We all moan at times and I'm sure this was all it was.
I've just had the most lovely experience with my daughter and her family. I called in unannounced and they were just about to go out swimming. Everyone of the family gave me the best hugs and willingly delayed their trip to spend half an hour with me! I wanted to go immediately,but they wouldn't hear of it.
So not all younger folk see us oldies as a burden.

My thoughts exactly, Jalima1108. The Intergenerational Foundation & their disciples like David Willetts have a lot to answer for. Have you noticed how much their liked body, the Resolution Foundation are used for their opinion on TV News now? The facts of the lives of different generations can be stated without creating a war between them. We each do our best given the opportunities presented at the time without benefit of fore- or hindsight. This created 'war' wastes so much energy when we are all in this pickle together & need to put our heads together thoughtfully without headbutting each other.

Royandsyl, sorry you feel like you do. Perhaps, your sons have very full lives with many demands on their time, is that why you feel unable to ask for help? I do know where you live, but to talk about suicide, because that's what it is, sounds as if everything is a bit too much at the moment and you might be depressed. Why don't you look at sheltered living or similar, you will have the company of people in your situation, have a common bond. You could have a very different future to the one you have, it's worth trying when you say you are considering euthanasia, the trouble with getting older is that sometimes, some of us forget the demands that our children, when they are no longer children, have on their shoulders. I have a wonderful son, never ask him for help, my reward is knowing he is happy, that's what I care about, I had my chances. So no more of that talk, sure your sons do care, but change the bits in your life that are making you sad. ? It's never too late!

Well, let's not pretend that all old people are lovely cuddly old things. I'm sure we've all known at least one or two who've become very selfish, self centred and demanding, or who were that way anyway, and have just become more so.
I know I have. My dh had an aunt who only ever thought about herself, and didn't give a damn how tired he was - she wanted him there, a 2 hour drive away - NOW. Never mind expecting a friend to drive 20 minutes each way every night to fill her hot water bottles - no, she did NOT want the electric blanket we repeatedly offered.

We've had relatives with dementia, one for many years, and although I didn't begrudge the time needed for their care, all the worry associated with the disease WAS a burden, which I'd hate my own children to have to bear.

The bottom line is, IMO, too many of us are living - or being kept alive - too long. If I ever get to the stage where I can't wash or dress myself, or get myself to the loo, I just pray I'll still have enough marbles to remember where I put my stash of pills.