I feel so sad

Take time and confide in a friend. If you decide to stay, your family may not be able to forgive him so think carefully who you speak to. Speaking from experience, it was the lying I found hardest, and impossible to forget. I moved on and never regretted it. Love to you.

I am so sorry, no personal experience but having sat with friends going through this kind of thing I can only say make sure you take proper advice before you do anything.

Your self esteem is important. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, but look to your future, and ask this man how he can re build your trust in him.

My heart goes out to you.
I have been through very a similar situation and feeling totally lost bewildered and very scared.
Take good legal advice have faith in yourself and go forward little steps each day.
In my opinion there is no going back once a liar and a cheat is always a compulsive liar and a cheater so you must tell yourself you can have a better life going it alone.
Please take good care of yourself now and eat regularly and have a brisk walk each day to give yourself a feel good feeling and aim for little uplifting goals each day. The sun will shine for you I know x

This has happened to me. Please read your post again and look at the alarming comments you made. " it would still be going" he had no intention of ending it with her. Also you say he works away on business how are you going to feel when he walks out that door with suitcase in hand to stay away for business ( or so he says). I gave my partner another chance ( biggest mistake I made) my life was eaten up with checking up that he was, where he said he was and it consumed me so much so that I lost the life I had, I also had very supportive family through it all.You will also start to feel low about yourself... what's wrong with you why is she better than me etc etc. Get rid let her have him as much as that hurts and trust me I know it hurts. Please let us know how you get on.

Thank you so much for all your messages. It does help enormously to know you are not alone. My emotion at the moment is angry, so so angry and I need to calm down which is not easy. I am going to get legal advice and have contacted a private clinic so I can at least talk to someone soon.. I am not making any decisions until I feel a lot calmer and I have taken on board all your good advice, which has been so helpful.

I could never trust someone who had done this to me, it would always niggle away. You would have no quality to your life if you were always wondering what he was up to.
Difficult decisions to be made, I hope things work out for you whichever way you choose to go.

Sorry that you have discovered your OH to be a cheat, I am not sure that you can get over this at our age. Sounds like he was having his cake and eating it which is not on.
I have no answers but know that I would not want to share my autumn days with a man that blatantly lied to my face.

My situation mirrored yours. I was looking for a stapler in my husband's desk and lo and behold a receipt for a train ticket to a place a long way from where he was supposed to be. It didn't take much rooting around on our shared computer to discover an affair. He then lied and lied, even when confronted with the evidence, and that was what got me most. He had always been away from home a lot on business or participating in his outdoor pursuits while I looked after the children, and suddenly I lost faith in everything I had been told about his absences in 40 years of marriage.

You have a difficult decision to make but can you ever trust him again? Can you hide it from the family/friends? Will you be bereft if you leave him? I hope you can work out the best way to go.

I was devastated but can honestly say I have never been as happy as I am now (without him), since the children were little.

Sorry, but I could never trust this man again. Not only did he cheat in the first place but he then went on to deny it several times and even now seems to show no remorse. Only you can decide if you can live with that.

Oh dear ! same thing here ...first husband denied affair despite like youself finding receipts for jewellery, hotels meals etc ....in his case he was a compulsive gambler and only had a private credit card on mine which I paid for.....think he was too stupid to realise I also got the statement ! He also used his company card as he went abroad on business at lot (sometimes I knew where he had gone and who with (a male colleague) as I drove him to Heathrow and collected him ...although there were often foreign women's names and phone numbers in his brief case when he returned ...I left them there, just altered one or two digits in the phone numbers.....but the last affair he had was long term (denied of course) I went round to the woman's house and spoke to her and her husband, who said he thought it odd as a friend of his had told him he saw his wife in Brighton (of all places !) at the weekend (my husband was supposedly at a weekend conference !) .....so I left a message at the hotel (found the number in his brief case before he went, as I was suspicious _ for him to phone his wife !! The man on the desk thought this was hilarious as he had signed in with the other woman as his wife .......he came home ...so I said don't bother to unpack ....on the Monday I had the locks changed and went to see a divorce lawyer for whom I had worked for a while .......

Best advice ...don't get mad, get even ...though at the moment it is raw and hurting ...be prepared ......make a file (don't keep it anywhere he may find it) of anything and everything you have contributed to the marriage ......receipts, bank statements, etc etc and if you have it, details of his employment, salaries, savings, investments, even insurance policies and likely pension) as this will stand you in good stead if you decide to divorce him. Meanwhile, you can also explore your options for living alone ..ie retirement village, somewhere near the family, friends, etc etc ...hopefully you will never need any of this, but forewarned is fore armed ...and then and only then, when you know what is feasible you can confront him ...or rather initiate a 'friendly' discussion about your future together ...... go see a divorce lawyer see what your entitlement to legal aid and maintenance if applicable, would be ....so you can work out what you would have disposable to buy yourself a flat or some such and to live on Don't forget now you are also entitled to some of his pension ........good luck !

I agree with VIOLETTE, it's essential to find out your financial rights, so that if you stay with him it's in full knowledge as to whether you would be able to afford to separate if you so chose.

So sorry Nannyme. I've been cheated on and know how you're feeling. Keep coming back here when you need to talk. He won't tell you everything you want to know, he'll be following the so called script. Get everything together that you need in order to move on, if that's what you decide to do. Seeing a solicitor is a very good idea and they'll be able to guide you.

Hope you're coping. Is there anyone in RL you can speak to?

Feel so sad for you nannyme. This happened to me too 13 years ago around the time of DH's retirement when the attractions of a work colleague were greater than the wife who had been there while he built up a successful career. Big changes, sold the house and bought a smaller one on my own. Kept in contact while sorting out finances and because of the arrival of grandchildren. Two years later he admitted he had made a huge mistake as the new partner was very much a career woman whereas he was ready to have a more relaxing life. We did get back together but only after a lot of discussion about how things were going to be and it took a long time for me to really get the trust back. So I would say that you need to do a lot of talking - and get yourself some sound financial advice.

It's really heart breaking to read how many lovely grans have been let down and betrayed. What is wrong with partners - why do they start these stupid affairs that can only end in tears for at least one of the people involved? So sorry to hear this; what some people have to bear with is so sad to read. xx

Nannyme

There is so much deceit and betrayal here. Did your husband actually go away 'with his mates'?

Are his business trip really just that, or was he seeing this woman? Is she married? There are things you need to know. I think you will find it extremely hard to trust him ever again.

Although you may find the thought of starting over alone in your 70's, that may be infinitely preferable to the prospect of living with a liar and a cheat for the rest of his/your life.

It's a terrible shock, but I urge you to think of the practicalities. Do you have money that he can access? I did, and although when my marriage broke up I was reluctant to face facts, at least had the foresight to take my money (an inheritance from my late father) out of a joint account that either of us could operate, and put it into one that only I could operate. I'm glad I did, because it got nasty subsequently. Basically I couldn't trust him after what had happened.

Good advice from lots of people here. Take your time, don't rush to do anything , give yourself leeway to think through whether or not you will be able to trust him again. The fact that he lied so much and has even said that if you hadn't found out, the affair might have gone on. Can you believe him? I would still go for a check up to make sure that nothing has been passed on to you, talk to your doctor, and take advice.

Got my revenge on the husband who cheated on me. Chucked him out, but before that I cut 1 inch off the left leg of every pair of trousers he had. Still don't regret doing it!

Why did he do it.? I would have to know why?
What did the other woman give him that you didn't?
He clearly wanted to be with her as it was not just a one night stand.
Don't torment yourself the truth may hurt but you can't live hoping everything will be ok.
He has betrayed you. Are you a forgiving person.? I would find it difficult to ever trust him again.
Sorry if I sound so cold.

In this (heartbreaking) situation, I asked myself "what advice would I give to a very good friend?" I would probably recommend some good legal counseling and to be especially preemptive about safeguarding her finances/other assets. I would also reassure her that starting a new life (even if it means being on her own) is probably better than (and this is the hardest truth to swallow) being married to a seasoned adulterer and a proven liar.

I would mention that this egregious loss of trust would probably cause a very unhappy marriage going forward because she will be 'watching her back' even when she doesn't want to!

So Nannyme, is that how you want to spend the rest of your life or are you still willing to take risks in order to find happiness some other way?

I'm so sorry to read this. My husband started being unfaithful to me about 4 years ago and despite promises that he'd stop, he carried on and eventually left me on 25 December last year to live with some woman he'd known for about 5 minutes. I'm divorcing him (past decree nisi stage now). I have to say that leopards don't change their spots. I can't tell you what to do, but all I will say is that you deserve better treatment and you can't spend the rest of your life wondering what he's up to when he isn't with you.

I should perhaps add that I'm just turned 59 and would have been married 28 years in late May. Finding yourself on your own isn't easy, but you do get through it. Please feel free to send me a private message if you wish.

I am so very sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I don't really have any words of comfort - I just pray you have other family support and that you are not on your own. Thinking of you.

Thanks for all your messages. At the moment it seems like one step forward and two back but I think I'm getting stronger, maybe more positive, each day in reaching the decision that's right for me. You have all been so helpful and helpful in showing me that there will be a light at the end of this dark tunnel, I realise it's going to take lots of time but I will get there. I am sorting out my finances now which sounds very calculating but it's something I have to do to be able to manage on my own.