I feel so sad

How awful for you don't know what I would do do you want to try and forgive him or have you somewhere you can go for a few weeks to think what you want to do next .?

No wonder you are feeling so sad 'Nannyme' you've had a shock. You need to time to ponder if you can get over this and go on in your marriage or decide if you even want to. Could you take some time on your own or do you have a good friend to talk to? I really don't have any advice but just take your time before making any decisions. Maybe start with a good heart to heart with your husband , cards on the table as you don't want this to happen again down the line and if its likely he needs to be honest about it so you can make an informed decision about your future.. Good luck

I can imagine your sense of betrayal and the deep sadness you feel. I am so sorry. You say that everything was lovely before you found the receipts. Was it though? Were you close as a couple; did you do lots of things together; did you have mutual friends ? Often older men fear that their sex drive is waning, and if a (possibly) younger woman comes along , then it becomes a chance to "become youthful again". No excuse of course. It is unbelievably cruel to hurt ones partner in this way. If you want to continue with your relationship, take time to be together and explore new ways to fall in love again. I do so hope that you will eventually feel much better than you do today. Thoughts go out to you.

Apparently it is someone who he was seeing before he met me and 'apparently' she contacted him through an old email address, I just don't believe him because why would you resurrect an out of date email by chance and she just happened to send him a message. I wasn't born yesterday was I. I moved over 100 miles away from friends and family to be with him, I have made a few friends but none really close enough to burden them with my dilemma. My children are busy with young families and I'm just not sure what their reaction will be when/if I tell them. I agree I need time to make my mind up and I'm thinking I may just take myself off on holiday but I'll have a nagging doubt in my mind that he will just go to her. It is just too horriblype for words

Nannyme How I feel for you why are men so stupid to think we will believe their stupid excuses,I would take myself away and have a really good think about this and would also get the thoughts and comfort of your family around you.
There is also the fact that (in my opinion) I would make sure he has engaged in safe precautions with this woman as the highest reports from clinics are from the over 55s,so health wise please make sure he tells you the truth.

Nothing to add, except that my heart goes out to you, Nannyme. (((Hugs)))

Thank you glammanana, I hadn't thought along those lines but I have asked and he assures me that he used protection, and I do believe him.

Nannyme, I ache for you, such pain and sorrow , betrayal of trust is so cruel. I so hope things will work out for the good X

Nannyme as Anniebach says, betrayal of trust is very cruel and once it's happened it takes a lot of work commitment from the betrayer to heal the rift it inevitably brings.

Could you suggest that you go for marriage counselling if of course that's something you feel you want to do? You can go on your own to begin with if he doesn't want too; talking things over with someone not emotionally connected may reveal what you want to do.

I'm so very sorry.

Nannyme I am so sad for you. This has happened to me and I know what you're going through. It's horrible to say but before you believe him over practising safe sex, or indeed over anything else, remind yourself that he is a liar. He didn't come clean when he was first found out and if you hadn't persisted he would have continued to lie. For your own wellbeing take everything he says with a pinch of salt for the moment.

And I can recommend counselling because at least it is someone to talk to so that you can share all the awful thoughts and feelings going round in your head, especially if you don't want to involve friends and family at this stage. Anything said to a counsellor can be left in that room, whereas anything you say to other people will always be remembered and might not be helpful. You have given up a lot for him and you deserve to know the full situation, but be prepared that you will only ever know his edited version.

My heart goes out to you. x

I am not surprised that you are sad - what a sorry situation for you to find yourself in. When trust is broken it is so very sad. Only you can know if you feel you will ever trust him again - and if you cannot see that happening you might be better apart. Living with someone you cannot trust is very stressful indeed.

But most importantly you must hold your head up high and maintain your self-respect.

I am so sorry. Please go to a clinic and get some counselling.

I am sorry you have this to deal with. I have no advice but please come and talk to us if it helps.

How horrible that you have to deal with this. It will take time for you to decide how you want to proceed - I think if it was me it would be the issue of trust that was the decider. Three years of leading a "double life", and then lying to me would be very hard to forgive. If you can get him to accompany you to Relate or other counsellor then at least you can say what you feel, and hopefully he will do the same and you could then have a better base for any decisions. Take some time for yourself and I hope you find a solution.

I don't have any words of wisdom, I wish I did. I am so sorry that you are faced with such a betrayal

So sorry Nannyme. That's a rotten thing to do to you. Take your time now and consider your options carefully. It's easy to make a wrong decision when you are in this situation. If you are worried about your husband leaving if you go on holiday then do you want to continue in this relationship as clearly the trust has gone. This was not a one off fling but an on going affair, you are worth more than that. Don't let your emotions get the better of you if you decide to call it a day ensure you get everything you are entitled to. If you want to try to save the relationship then do it for the right reasons and not because you are worried about being alone. I speak as one who has been in your shoes. Bon Courage

Awww, how awful for you; particularly when you've no close friend to talk it all through with.
I'm so sorry, and what a swine to not even show you enough respect to admit it
You can refer yourself for counselling, you know. As somebody has said: it is someone to listen to you, and you may find that you come to a decision through talking it out. Sending you hugs. X

Great advice above. I don't speak from experience but I think it might be a good idea to think through your options: stay and rebuild your relationship but the disadvantage would be could you trust him OR think about going back to where u used to live and where u have friends. Make sure you get whatever u are entitled to moneywise/legally. Disadvantage: turning your back on the life u have built with him. Let us know how u get on. Good luck

This has happened to me so I understand the shock and betrayal you are feeling . Don`t do anything straight away , give yourself some time to get your head round it . Could you go away for a week or so to a friend or relative to give yourself some thinking time ? Things sometimes become clearer with a bit of distance between you . It worked out for the best emotionally for me but I was much younger and more resilient in those days , we split up and he moved in with her . Whatever you decide look after the finances - I got a very bad deal through being too reasonable . xx

Nannyme - I've been there as it happened to me
You have to work out what you both want to do - do you want to stay with him?
Does he want to stay with you ? Has he finished with her? Is he genuinely remorseful
If you truly believe he wants to have your marriage back again you can get past it
But he has to be open and honest - no hiding his phone he has to be where he says he is and keep in contact
I dont mean like a kid but he has to want to do this and you have to help him
You also need to talk - to each other and find out why
If you google Daily Mail "My husband's 6 year affair saved our marriage" janet Cleaves (that's me!) It might help
Was also in This Morning last Tuesday talking about this
Hope you can sort it out - if you both want to stay together it can be done

I have been cheated on too and all I can say is you can never trust him again..... three years ongoing and he admitted It would still be happening if you hadn't found out, that is abysmal Can you really want to mend this? There are cracks and CRACKS and this one is in capital letters you have been betrayed hugely you don't say he was upset when you found out Can you ever enjoy him or your life together again, I know I couldn't, but maybe you're a bigger person than me I d rather be alone than looking over my shoulder all the time
He not only lived a lie whilst wining, dining and bedding this woman but he CONTINUED to lie for ten months putting you through months of anguish he didn't even have the guts to come clean after found out Are you really sure he's finished it ? Can you believe that? He lied to your face for nearly a year
If you think by going away on holiday he would go straight back to her you have not gained any confidence after his admittence
Can you ever lie in his arms without seeing her and him together
Please look after YOU now, you do not need this in your life Talk to someone other than him he will continue to lie, to reassure you it's over, to woo you back but once a liar always a liar I m afraid

I'm so sorry your trust has been broken in this way Nannyme. I can understand your desire not to talk to your family just yet. This sort of hurt could be better shared though. I know you have us but some neutral space where you can talk about your feelings and options could well help you move forward. With or without your husband. If finances allow maybe look for a private counsellor via the BACP web site. Relate is an excellent option but the waiting lists are often long. No harm in being on the Relate list though. The advice about your health is sensible. If your GP is approachable you could begin there. Or talk with a nurse at your surgery. You know I'm not sure I would take any assurance at face value right now. Please take care of yourself. I hope there are some good things in your day and keep talking to usnif it helps.

The sentence that stands out. It would still be going on. So if you hadn't done the investigating and confronted him, he would be with her still. He lied about betraying your marriage vows. He has done it once, the next time he won't leave clues. You have to decide whether you can live like this, perhaps you can rather than split up. You might feel it's too late to go on your own, this marriage is better than the alternative. They are brutal questions to ask yourself, but you have to decide just what it is you want.
I feel for you in this situation, many years ago, I was, I finished it. Took a few years to recover, then I met the love of my life. I had age on my side, some of the people I met back then, in a similar position, didn't meet anyone. There's a lot to weigh up, but be honest with yourself.Good luck.

Devastating for you, it happened to me so I know the destruction of confidence it brings with it.

I have no words of comfort but I will say do not get bitter, I have allowed that to happen to me and it has wasted years when I could have been happy.

You will be in shock now, keep talking to people you can trust even it is only people on here wh you feel a connection with.

You are the most important person in this.