Husband and porn

Just adding my support loopyloo I would find that situation very hard to cope with too

loopylou I'm sorry you've had such a horrible shock. I think lots of men look at porn but I would want to know about it if it was my husband. It's the deceit and lies that are so hurtful. (((Hugs)))

But was he being deceitful? He didn't clear the history so he wasn't hiding it. Maybe he knew loopylou wouldn't be happy about it so just didn't mention it.

I sometimes read/watch porn and I don't say to my DH, 'By the way I've been reading/watching porn'. It never crosses my mind to. Not because I'm ashamed of it or because I don't think he'll approve but it just never crosses my mind. There are lots of things we don't discuss just because they're not important. Perhaps looplou's husband just didn't think it was important enough to mention.

Well, if that was the case vampirequeen, he didn't know his wife very well, even after 40 years.

Being anti porn doesn't mean you're anti sex.

The majority of porn is anti women and it shapes the way people see women. So many young girls are forced into porn sex instead of good sex.

So much porn is made without peoples consent, or by trafficked women who expected to get a job working n a bar.

It is up to you how you feel about it loopy but it is not your fault and you have every right to be upset, don't let him tell you otherwise.

Vampire queen Loopy has already said the reason the websites hadn't been deleted was because her husband is not very computer savvy and would probably not know how to delete them

So you're happy to watch porn without your husbands knowledge absolutely nothing wrong with that at all if it works for you great, but do you watch rent boys videos, do you look at escort and sexual massage sites, do you chat with a man on porn sites, are you maybe arranging a hotel and sex holiday without your husband ummmmmmm I think Loopies worries are on a different level to your porn watching

Porn, to my mind is nasty exploitative stuff - money is involved and its all very a bit one sided. (I'm being tactful here I'd be screaming inside if this happened to me).
However, the most important thing is surely that there is such a mismatch in a marriage.
One person spends hours on the internet at all hours of the day delving into many different aspects of porn....I've never bought the 'just investigating' thing....we ALL know what porn is. Then on the other hand we have the other person in the marriage absolutely horrified by this.
Its the huge chasm between husband and wife that needs addressing. His use of porn is a symptom of something - his tastes are very different to yours for one. It is also an indication of his complete lack of respect and consideration. Things need to be talked about and perhaps a mediator may help.

I am happy to be regarded as a total fuddy-duddy, but I have never watched porn. I am very clear about the objectification of women (and indeed men) that this represents and the fact that it is in most cases based on the worst sort of exploitation. If I was so desperate for sexual pleasure that I was prepared to overlook these things, then I would regard myself as seriously in need of help. I am not anti-sex, but I am pro sound loving relationships and anti- exploitation.

If it makes you feel better VQ to convince yourself that they are fully consenting and well paid then so be it.

I made the same discovery after 30 years of marriage. I'm divorced now and have never regretted deciding that l wasn't prepared to live with someone whose moral compass was so far from mine. Big hugs and stay true to yourself.

loopy lou this must have been such a shock. It isn't your fault - blaming you is typical defensive action.

I don't actually believe all men look at porn so I wonder if you feel this is completely out of character? In some forms of dementia one of the flags is inappropriate sexual behaviour. Obviously looking at porn is not necessarily inappropriate but it may be worth thinking about his behaviour generally.

Thank you everyone for your support, it means a lot to me.
It's very likely that this means the end of the marriage, it seems such a sham. Heaven knows what to tell the DCs and my very elderly parents.
He's not in the slightest bit contrite or sorry, saying it's all my fault.
I have no idea where to go from here at the moment. I have worked out how to stop access on the laptop which I guess is something.
Thank you again, you're a tremendous comfort xx

I'm sorry to read about your discovery. First of all, it is NOT your fault. Keep repeating that until you believe it. As others have said, he's saying this because he's been found out, is feeling guilty and blaming you is his way of defending himself. My husband started being unfaithful to me about 4 years ago and apart from joining websites specifically for married people looking for an affair - and actually having at least one affair with a married woman - he began accessing porn sites, something I'm totally against. Things went from bad to worse and I'm in the process of divorcing him. He left me on Xmas Day 2016 and went to live with some woman he'd known for about 5 minutes. Of course, he maintained that he didn't want to walk out on that day, but that it was my fault, I'd made him do it. Load of rubbish! I learned later that he was sending all kinds of messages via social media about how he'd 'left the wife'. I have to say, 6 months down the line, I'm glad he did me such a huge favour!

I think you now have to spend time considering your next step. Does he want to change? Sorry to sound negative, but I've learned that the saying 'leopards don't change their spots' is very true. I wish you all the best.

But what reason does he say that its all you fault? (It definitely isn't, just interested to hear his "logic" on this)

Sending you good wishes.

Oh gracegran don't look for obscure excuses for the bloke

Stay strong loopy.

loopy

Loopylou, I don't see use of porn as harmless. It objectifies, degrades and often portrays women as willing participants in painful sexual activity. The majority of women who work in the porn or sex industry have little choice or control over their lives.
Like you, I'd be distressed if I found my husband involved in the things you describe.mmid be hurt then angry if he had the nerve to try and make me feel responsible for his behaviour.
There is growing evidence about the damage use of pornography can cause. I'm with others here who say they don't believe most/all men use porn. Look after yourself and don't be humiliated into taking any responsibility for the behaviour he has chosen.

loopylou stay strong

loopylou I am so sorry that you have discovered this about your husband, your heart must have been in the pit of your stomach when you first saw what he has been looking at and corresponding with someone too.

You thought he was one person and he has turned out to be someone you didn't know at all. Lies and deceit are terrible and I know that I couldn't come back from them in my marriage but we are all different.

Can you not afford to go away for a few days, get your own head together? You need to think about yourself now, what your next move is. Have you got any private savings? Can you get some money put to one side that your husband wouldn't know about? I know this sounds sneaky but you have to safeguard your future as much as you can and the immediate future too. Have you a friend you can go and stay with? If it were me I would need some time away from the situation and him.

Before you make any decisions regarding your marriage, you need to calm down, take some time out to decide what to do and get some advice on next steps from a solicitor of the free hour advice. Ring around though, get a good one, they do differ.

Keep posting on here, let us know how you are but by no means believe anything that he is telling you that it is your fault! Cheeky begger! He is just deflecting his guilt, that's all. Take no notice, not one jot. You have done nothing wrong but be a caring loving wife to him for all those years and this is how he repays you.

You think you know someone. After 20 years I didn't know my husband. After only a short time, I knew my ex boyfriend in and out, totally honest and upfront. So they are not all the same.

Take care love, please look after yourself first and foremost and start to secure your own future. Lots of love and hugs. X

Don't rush into any decisions. Take your time and let the dust settle
Make a list of the positives and negatives in your relationdhip. All the best
let us know how things are going
X

I'm so sorry. This is not your fault, his failure. Please go to a solicitor and make plans. I would not live with him another moment, I would leave, but that may not be your programme. Good Luck.

Right, you do not have to tell your DC or parents one thing, a bit private that.

Loopylou keep strong don't let him make you the cause of his behaviour.
Wait till you have calmed down then make a appointment to spk to a solicitor where you can get good advice for the way forward for you and your future.

if hes that computer illiterate
put the child locks on for those sites
and block him
hint;use a password he wont think of

Oh gracegran don't look for obscure excuses for the bloke

BlueBelle you have your opinion and I have mine and I really don't need telling how to form mine. It is based on a similar problem with a family member who, it turned out, had a form of dementia which means the inhibitors on your behaviour disappear very quickly.

I do not think giving up on a marriage without looking into all the possibilities is necessarily the best thing for the OP. As I say - my opinion based on experience.