Husband and porn

I would metaphorically kick his ass from here to Kingdom come. It is wrong on so many levels.

I'm with you Lucky girl. What on earth is A bit of porn'? Those who watch it, contribute to the exploitation of others

"Many men like a bit of porn" - and so the cycle of exploitation is shored up and continues. Those who watch it are as much to blame for the exploitation as are the direct exploiters. If no-one watched it, the trade would stop.

Porn is a curious habit, many men like a bit of porn and it doesnt mean they love their spouse any less. It is a fantasy for most. My husband likes porn, but nothing like what you are describing. I know he watches, and it doesnt bother me, as we have a healthy, active sexlife and it is not a hidden thing.
What you describe, I see as a betrayal, first because he has been hiding his habit for god only knows how long, second, because he is talking to real people, not just a bit of voyeurism. Thirdly, because he seems to be intent on acting upon it.
The last straw is that he blames you. HOW DARE HE!!!

phoenix pure speculation on my part but possibly blaming loopy for the same excuse men have been known to give for affairs. "You weren't loving enough/I wasn't getting enough so had to find my fun elsewhere.
loopy this is just my guess, what has gone on in your bedroom is none of my or anyone elses buisness.

Luckygirl wrote "Porn is pernicious."
And like other addictions can lead to other things, it's a downward slope.

I have just come on to support GGMk2. Inappropriate sexual behaviour is definitely a sign of some sorts of dementia. That might not be the case here but it could be. There might be other indicators too. My friend's father isn't allowed to be alone with his granddaughters for just this reason.

Indeed Gill.

If you look at Mumsnet, then, if the posts are to be believed, porn-watching is an accepted activity among many younger folk.

Another reason to detest porn is that it influences the young, who see it on their phones, and they feel pushed into replicating some of the activities that are not appropriate to teens; and also replicating the fashions for e.g. shaved pubes. They feel these behaviours and actions are expected of them, regardless of their wishes.

Porn is pernicious.

Before anyone justifies porn they need to ask how they would feel if it was their daughter or son who was being watched, leered over by whoever chose to log on to the website. Feels disgusting doesn't it? Makes my stomach heave to think of some dirty old git pleasuring himself watching my DD. Now tell me you accept porn, or is it only ok if it is someone else's daughter or son?

Loopylou, he is not ashamed you say, so he wouldn't be upset at people knowing. It's not your shame, it's his. Up to you if you don't want people to know, but remember you have done nothing to justify this. You could just say to those you care for, you have nothing in common any more and make each other miserable, it's up to you. Stay strong. There is a life beyond this, doesn't seem so at the moment, but there is, just stay positive and do what you want. No one else.? I do not believe porn is harmless, quite the opposite. Makes my stomache ache churn. Those dreadful lowlife that prey on vulnerable girls and boys who are desperate are despicable. Everyone that watches those videos contributes to that circle of misery. I have never seen one and never want to. I believe in love.

Oh gracegran don't look for obscure excuses for the bloke

BlueBelle you have your opinion and I have mine and I really don't need telling how to form mine. It is based on a similar problem with a family member who, it turned out, had a form of dementia which means the inhibitors on your behaviour disappear very quickly.

I do not think giving up on a marriage without looking into all the possibilities is necessarily the best thing for the OP. As I say - my opinion based on experience.

if hes that computer illiterate
put the child locks on for those sites
and block him
hint;use a password he wont think of

Loopylou keep strong don't let him make you the cause of his behaviour.
Wait till you have calmed down then make a appointment to spk to a solicitor where you can get good advice for the way forward for you and your future.

Right, you do not have to tell your DC or parents one thing, a bit private that.

I'm so sorry. This is not your fault, his failure. Please go to a solicitor and make plans. I would not live with him another moment, I would leave, but that may not be your programme. Good Luck.

Don't rush into any decisions. Take your time and let the dust settle
Make a list of the positives and negatives in your relationdhip. All the best
let us know how things are going
X

loopylou I am so sorry that you have discovered this about your husband, your heart must have been in the pit of your stomach when you first saw what he has been looking at and corresponding with someone too.

You thought he was one person and he has turned out to be someone you didn't know at all. Lies and deceit are terrible and I know that I couldn't come back from them in my marriage but we are all different.

Can you not afford to go away for a few days, get your own head together? You need to think about yourself now, what your next move is. Have you got any private savings? Can you get some money put to one side that your husband wouldn't know about? I know this sounds sneaky but you have to safeguard your future as much as you can and the immediate future too. Have you a friend you can go and stay with? If it were me I would need some time away from the situation and him.

Before you make any decisions regarding your marriage, you need to calm down, take some time out to decide what to do and get some advice on next steps from a solicitor of the free hour advice. Ring around though, get a good one, they do differ.

Keep posting on here, let us know how you are but by no means believe anything that he is telling you that it is your fault! Cheeky begger! He is just deflecting his guilt, that's all. Take no notice, not one jot. You have done nothing wrong but be a caring loving wife to him for all those years and this is how he repays you.

You think you know someone. After 20 years I didn't know my husband. After only a short time, I knew my ex boyfriend in and out, totally honest and upfront. So they are not all the same.

Take care love, please look after yourself first and foremost and start to secure your own future. Lots of love and hugs. X

loopylou stay strong

Loopylou, I don't see use of porn as harmless. It objectifies, degrades and often portrays women as willing participants in painful sexual activity. The majority of women who work in the porn or sex industry have little choice or control over their lives.
Like you, I'd be distressed if I found my husband involved in the things you describe.mmid be hurt then angry if he had the nerve to try and make me feel responsible for his behaviour.
There is growing evidence about the damage use of pornography can cause. I'm with others here who say they don't believe most/all men use porn. Look after yourself and don't be humiliated into taking any responsibility for the behaviour he has chosen.

loopy

Stay strong loopy.

Oh gracegran don't look for obscure excuses for the bloke

But what reason does he say that its all you fault? (It definitely isn't, just interested to hear his "logic" on this)

Sending you good wishes.

I'm sorry to read about your discovery. First of all, it is NOT your fault. Keep repeating that until you believe it. As others have said, he's saying this because he's been found out, is feeling guilty and blaming you is his way of defending himself. My husband started being unfaithful to me about 4 years ago and apart from joining websites specifically for married people looking for an affair - and actually having at least one affair with a married woman - he began accessing porn sites, something I'm totally against. Things went from bad to worse and I'm in the process of divorcing him. He left me on Xmas Day 2016 and went to live with some woman he'd known for about 5 minutes. Of course, he maintained that he didn't want to walk out on that day, but that it was my fault, I'd made him do it. Load of rubbish! I learned later that he was sending all kinds of messages via social media about how he'd 'left the wife'. I have to say, 6 months down the line, I'm glad he did me such a huge favour!

I think you now have to spend time considering your next step. Does he want to change? Sorry to sound negative, but I've learned that the saying 'leopards don't change their spots' is very true. I wish you all the best.

Thank you everyone for your support, it means a lot to me.
It's very likely that this means the end of the marriage, it seems such a sham. Heaven knows what to tell the DCs and my very elderly parents.
He's not in the slightest bit contrite or sorry, saying it's all my fault.
I have no idea where to go from here at the moment. I have worked out how to stop access on the laptop which I guess is something.
Thank you again, you're a tremendous comfort xx