Husband and porn

loopy lou this must have been such a shock. It isn't your fault - blaming you is typical defensive action.

I don't actually believe all men look at porn so I wonder if you feel this is completely out of character? In some forms of dementia one of the flags is inappropriate sexual behaviour. Obviously looking at porn is not necessarily inappropriate but it may be worth thinking about his behaviour generally.

I made the same discovery after 30 years of marriage. I'm divorced now and have never regretted deciding that l wasn't prepared to live with someone whose moral compass was so far from mine. Big hugs and stay true to yourself.

I am happy to be regarded as a total fuddy-duddy, but I have never watched porn. I am very clear about the objectification of women (and indeed men) that this represents and the fact that it is in most cases based on the worst sort of exploitation. If I was so desperate for sexual pleasure that I was prepared to overlook these things, then I would regard myself as seriously in need of help. I am not anti-sex, but I am pro sound loving relationships and anti- exploitation.

If it makes you feel better VQ to convince yourself that they are fully consenting and well paid then so be it.

Porn, to my mind is nasty exploitative stuff - money is involved and its all very a bit one sided. (I'm being tactful here I'd be screaming inside if this happened to me).
However, the most important thing is surely that there is such a mismatch in a marriage.
One person spends hours on the internet at all hours of the day delving into many different aspects of porn....I've never bought the 'just investigating' thing....we ALL know what porn is. Then on the other hand we have the other person in the marriage absolutely horrified by this.
Its the huge chasm between husband and wife that needs addressing. His use of porn is a symptom of something - his tastes are very different to yours for one. It is also an indication of his complete lack of respect and consideration. Things need to be talked about and perhaps a mediator may help.

Vampire queen Loopy has already said the reason the websites hadn't been deleted was because her husband is not very computer savvy and would probably not know how to delete them

So you're happy to watch porn without your husbands knowledge absolutely nothing wrong with that at all if it works for you great, but do you watch rent boys videos, do you look at escort and sexual massage sites, do you chat with a man on porn sites, are you maybe arranging a hotel and sex holiday without your husband ummmmmmm I think Loopies worries are on a different level to your porn watching

Being anti porn doesn't mean you're anti sex.

The majority of porn is anti women and it shapes the way people see women. So many young girls are forced into porn sex instead of good sex.

So much porn is made without peoples consent, or by trafficked women who expected to get a job working n a bar.

It is up to you how you feel about it loopy but it is not your fault and you have every right to be upset, don't let him tell you otherwise.

Well, if that was the case vampirequeen, he didn't know his wife very well, even after 40 years.

But was he being deceitful? He didn't clear the history so he wasn't hiding it. Maybe he knew loopylou wouldn't be happy about it so just didn't mention it.

I sometimes read/watch porn and I don't say to my DH, 'By the way I've been reading/watching porn'. It never crosses my mind to. Not because I'm ashamed of it or because I don't think he'll approve but it just never crosses my mind. There are lots of things we don't discuss just because they're not important. Perhaps looplou's husband just didn't think it was important enough to mention.

loopylou I'm sorry you've had such a horrible shock. I think lots of men look at porn but I would want to know about it if it was my husband. It's the deceit and lies that are so hurtful. (((Hugs)))

Just adding my support loopyloo I would find that situation very hard to cope with too

So, he watches porn and is too thick to erase the search history to boot I'd be showing him the door.

Sorry that you have had this shock loopylou

My husband of 40 years looks at porn when he thinks I'm not looking. I think most men do, I don't have an issue with it, provided he isn't spending money or too much time on it... I think I'd be concerned about him "chatting" on Porn sites though - temptations once they are in contact are bound to be much greater!! Although I doubt anyone is going to be fighting for a boring bald paunchy man kept on a tight financial rein an in his 60's to meet up!! Except me that is! He's more spirit is willing but flesh is weak these days!!

When someone watches porn they have no idea (and probably do not care) whether "the people involved have joined in voluntarily and been well paid" - it is far more likely that that they are being exploited, especially the women.

Sorry didnt' mean over react. That was thoughtless. You're obviously very upset about it.

I meant don't do anything whilst you're so upset. Give yourself time to calm do before you make any decisions.

I don't see the problem with porn as long as the people involved have joined in voluntarily and been well paid. I'm sure it came as a shock to you but try not to over react.

What does he have to say about it?

No loopy, it's not your fault that your h thinks that women and girls are thing not people, that's his fault. Take a deep breath and be kind to yourself today, take some space to think about how you want to spend your future.

Bluebelle your right of course, the other aspects of this didn't register when I read the op at midnight. It is more than a look at naked women.
loopy

I think you need to talk to a professional e.g. GP or a Marriage Guidance Counsellor for advice on how to cope with this. Porn is said to be the most searched activity on the internet so professionals must see unfortunate wives like you all the time.

It's early days and you're obviously in turmoil so don't rush into decisions that will affect your emotional & financial well-being.

Blaming someone else is par for the course for men caught out like this, like those having affairs.

We've had similar threads in the past - I can't remember if any OPs ever update as to how things turned out.

I have nothing to add, loopy just sending you support.

I would be horrified, thinking do I know this man, the relationship would change. It is not your fault, how dare he put it on you. Good luck, take your time and think things through..be kind to yourself.

It is NOT your fault. He is defending himself by attacking you. Do not let him make you feel inadequate in any way. Hold your head up high and discuss this with him with your self-respect and confidence intact. Be clear with him what your view is of porn and why, and how this makes you feel about your relationship. xx

Oh Loopy what a horrid shock, you must be shaking from head to toe, not only have you found out something pretty seedy about your husband, but he's suddenly not the man you thought you were married to for 40 years and he has betrayed you badly

Ninathenana I think you are trivialising it , to start with it's not just looking at a few undressed girls is it? from Loopies second post there is a lot more to it than a quick sneak at a bit of porn which of course can be accepted especially if the person is upfront about it but this is much deeper stuff ..rent boys, sex escorts, sex chats with a particular girl, looking up sexual contacts for a possible holiday this is NOT just a flippant peek or an computer accident ...it's pretty serious stuff and to me would be as big a betrayal as an affair

Loopy it's now Monday morning I doubt if you ve slept at all I think this will take a lot of thought and working through because although there is not one particular woman ( that you know of at the moment) it is a huge betrayal He will be very defensive, may not want to discuss it, may reflect it back to you and continue saying it's your fault .... I think you are going to have to go through the whole gambit that you would if it was a physical affair and only then will you know if it's something you can get over, the feeling that you have a loving mate has been shattered and has changed for ever only time can tell if it's something you can get over and get past

I think the next few weeks will be turbulent and I wish you lots of luck and I hope you've got someone to talk to, a good girlfriend NOT a famly member My heart goes out to you

I'm wondering if this could just have been curiosity, a bit of nosiness that got beyond what was intended. Though granted, talking to a girl on a sex blog needs some explaining.

Perhaps in embarrassment at being found out he has tried to be defensive with his comment that it's your fault.... shaking the blame from himself.

At present you are feeling sick and upset, probably feeling that you don't even know this man.... that'll be the understandable shock.
I hope all calms down and you're both able to discuss it.
My heart goes out to you and I hope your husband can talk about this with you and how or why it has come about.

I don't want to sound flippant or trivialize this as it's obviously upsetting you.
At least he's just looking, he's not having an affair. I too have been married over forty years and I know H has looked at porn and he knows I'm aware, It doesn't mean he loves me any less. He's always been the most kind loving, gentle man I know. I have always trusted him 100% and find it slightly amusing. The way I look at it, it's just a man thing.

It is not your fault.Leave it for now and talk to him about it tomorrow
Hope you manage to get some sleep.x