My flipping mother

Thank you booklady54 it is somehow reassuring to know that others are in the same boat even if its not a very nice boat isn't it.

It may not be anything from your Mums side so please bear that in mind.My family unfortunately turned against me over lies that were told to them by my Stepfather. Was never given the opportunity to discuss what the problem was, just coldly and cruelly cut off and blanked( I know what was said as fortunately one Sister has told me and tried to help) Can honestly say hand on heart I haven't done anything wrong and my Children have grown up without the family on my side. It upsets me and at Christmas breaks my heart. I have tried several times to contact them but have to accept that I'm not wanted in their lives

My mother had a falling out with her one sister-in-law when I was about three. It resulted in my father's parents never again inviting us at the same time as my uncle and his wife, which I could understand. Unfortunately, they chose not to invite us at the same time as my aunt (Daddy's sister) and her husband and my three cousins.

I don't know why, as I believe my aunt had refused to be drawn into the quarrel between my Auntie Kathleen and my mother.

Now, after both of the elder generations of the family are dead and gone, I am in touch with my cousins, so my advice is to try not to be bitter about the past, enjoy the fact that your aunt and cousin want to know you, perhaps they can help you get to know other relatives.

GAGA,I was very interested when you said "to be a good Mum you had to have had one"?Igot on very well with my Mum, but she was emotionally very cold.She couldn't cope with tears,when I was upset I got no hugs or comfort,I was never kissed by Mum Dad,or grandparents.Yet she was great fun hardworking and we were well fed and cared for.Dad was distant,he had a difficult childhood.
I brought my only daughter up the same way, although I loved her,It was just alien to me to show her affection.I thought I was doing ok as a Mother.Untill about 10 years ago when my GD was 7, i noticed my daughter had been a bit off with me.I had asked her many times if I'd done something wrong.I finally got it out of her,she blurted out that she'd never felt loved as a child,she couldn't remember any happy times from her childhood.( I did give her Birthday parties every year?")I have never been so hurt,and will never get over it.She did say I was a brilliant Grandma to her daughter.Who she tells her she loves every day.I feel better telling you all.it seems we all have our cross to bear.

I have always blamed my mother for my problems - severe anxiety, low self esteem etc and for letting us children witness violence and abuse in the home. I should give her a break, it wasn't easy in those days and she had nowhere to go. I'm sure if she had had a crystal ball and could have seen how our upbringing has affected us all she may have done things differently.

Welcome Booklady, it must have been so hard to find out how you were conceived, to tell you in such a public place was a bad call, you needed to know but not like that. I suppose though your mom must have wanted a child so much to have gone through that to have you. Years ago people didn't show their feeling as they do now, perhaps her parents were cold with her and it was just learnt behaviour, everything is discussed now and more open. Why she said such cruel thing to you I can't understand. You have turned out a lovely mother and grandmother,cso shecdid something right. No one knows what went on in the past do I don't personally think anyone can judge, it's best to conscentrate on east you have than past hurts, which many of us have.
Kitty, you dont know what went on and if you can, do what the song says and let it go. It seems you have a whole family that you can get to know on and that must be so exciting. I know that many families where siblings don't get on, both raised by the same parents but do different their view on their upbringing. I would give anything to have just five minutes with my mom, I wish I had told her how much I loved her, but I didn', I hoped she knew.

This thread is helping me a lot - I dont feel so alone with the memories of my very difficult relationship with my mother. For many years I carried so much guilt because we couldnt seem to get along. Mum passed away two years ago and gradually I have come to see not only that we were chalk and cheese, but also that she had her own problems - my daughter has a theory Mum was on the autism spectrum, but of course we will never know. I used to get really cross too kittylester about the wasted years of my childhood. I wasnt allowed friends to play, Mum had many reasons why we didnt see members even of our own family and we were holed up in great isolation. It made me so shy and awkward for most of my life, yet I am actually sociable and need the company of others. I think the only thing to do is to go forward with great determination to make the very best of your situation now.

Elenkalubleton, I'm so sorry you're feeling so hurt. Perhaps your daughter was feeling down or even a bit jealous of your good relationship with your GD. Try to put it behind you and enjoy a new start with your daughter - it'll be hard but worth it I'm sure. This thread has been very helpful for me to read as I wasn't close to my mother but I've come to realise and accept, as others in here have, that she was the best she could be. Sending to all of you.

Thankyou Caro,no wasn't jealous,she always encouraged my relationship with GD.
Strangely during our difficult discussion she said it was my Mother who was the only one to show any affection! How strange life is sometimes.
Yes love and hugs to all you lovely ladies x

kittylester My grandmother was like this, she brought me up and when I was 12 she fell out with all her family, after a holiday argument. To cut a long story short I lost touch with the two cousins who were my best childhood friends but because of my interest in genealogy, I use Ancestry, I have managed to find them again and back in June I spent a wonderful week in Spain with one of my cousins, she married a Spaniard and has two children. I now have an extended family, a Spanish one!

kitty my Dad and his sister fell out of when I was about 9 or 10 and never saw each other again until their father's funeral. My Auntie had been part of our lives, baby sitting, looking after me after school. She adored me as the 1st grandchild and as someone who wanted children but could never had any. I knew there'd been a row at a family party and alcohol was involved (nothing new), but I didn't find out what happened until I was an adult.

My Auntie had been playing with my younger brother and he'd started to cry. He was a complete wuss as a child (even he'd agree! ) and a bit of a cry baby. My Auntie made some remark about my brother being gay (paraphrasing here - it was the 60s) and this was like a red rag to my big, tough Scots Dad. That was it for over 30 years until the funeral. They never reconciled.

As an adult and having discussed it with my other Auntie, their little sister, I came to understand that my Auntie was jealous of my Dad and especially his three children. She was the first born, but my Dad was the beloved son and their Mum lost twin boys before he was born. Until they became estranged, they'd always been at each other's throats. I noticed this even as a child. Either of them could start an argument in an empty room. It's a family trait and one reason why I don't drink very often.

I'm sharing my story because for many years I only knew one side of the story and although my Auntie was in the wrong, I came to understand something of what she was feeling. Maybe there's someone in your family you can talk to about what happened between your Mum and her brother?

Ramblingrose22, this could have been me writing. My mum died a few months ago after constantly falling out with most people in her life. I grew up being told that no-one would ever want or love me. Yes I believed it and it has affected my whole life. I understand now though that my mum was probably suffering from depression or some other mental health problem, but it wasn't diagnosed then. Throughout my childhood I just wondered why my mum was different to everyone else's. It seems from the insightful posts here that I was not alone after all. How sad. But my daughter tells me what a good mum I am (and she doesn't know much about my childhood) , so must be doing something right! How powerful family relationships are.

My ain't just tells me that my mum had issues! Which she did, I can see that, her mother was awkward and argumentative too for a start.

But I maintain that she could have been different had she tried or been a bit perceptive. I'm lucky in that I have some of my dad's temperament and have not continued the pattern.

My mum is the common denominator in nearly all the family aggro and there is quite a bit of it.

Teetime, I'll pm you!

Reading these posts has made me realise that I am one of the lucky ones. Had a brilliant mother and father and have two great brothers plus nephews and nieces. Also many aunts, uncles, cousins and loads of even more distant relatives. Family has always been very important to all of us.
The problems I have (not family ones) seem minor in comparison.