In need of advice

DENIE1963 as an alcoholic he will have a Jekyll and Hyde personality, especially if he still binge drinks. I would suggest you go to an AL ANON meeting (for families and friends of alcoholics) because you've been badly affected by alcoholism. Your not in any state to make rational decisions at the moment because of him mentally abusing you. Please contact AL ANON either by phone on 020 7403 0888 or find them online at www.al-anonuk.org.uk . I promise you YOUR life will get better as you will meet people who totally understand you and it will give you clarity over your feelings. Take it from someone who's been there and who's life is so transformed with al-anon 's help. Good luck ?

Sad to say, you need to get rid of him. It seems to me that you still want him around however. Its hard but you can do it if you really want to. I was in a similar position myself many many years ago...after many attempts to get him out...I found him a girlfriend, I knew he would succumb, (he didn't realise it was me who set it up) and he eventually disappeared out of my life. I had forgotten about him until I read your post.

Deni I stayed in a relationship too long - made all sorts of excuses why I couldn't end it. But that is what they were - excuses. Every one of my Excuses could be sorted with a bit of lateral thinking or the realisation that I was more important. This situation cannot be doing you or your family any good.

Make an appt with a solicitor and don't let all the hassles and complications put you off.

Deni my 1st H was very controlling, we took the Tenancy of a pub, he carried on working but would ring me several times a day. He would question me every evening "where had I been?", "who had I spoken to?" etc. Fortunately my marriage didn't last long as I met some-one else & left, no children.

I would suggest either a Solicitor or CAB for advice & find an Al-Anon group for support. You need to get this man out of your life.

You are only 53, whole lot of life ahead of you, I was widowed at 57 (much loved DH of almost 21 years). I moved again to a new area fortunately about 10 miles from DD & DGSs. I've made a new life for myself, no man in my life but lots of friends & a brilliant social life. Once you're rid of this man your life will change, hopefully with the support of your own family

I completely understand the feeling of rolling downhill towards the end of life, as that happened to me, wholly unexpectedly, as soon as I hit 50.
It won't last and there will be lots of good things in your life, and that doesn't depend on having a partner.
Well done for deciding to seek counselling.
I hope you also take the advice already given, to check up what you can do legally and to contact Al-Anon. The more help you can get, the better.

I don't know what the laws are in UK, but here in the US, infidelity is prime justification for divorce.

If you can obtain proof (hire a private detective) that he's slept with other women whilst married to you, even the most mediocre solicitor should have no trouble a. getting him evicted and b. Letting you keep most of his assets and yours.

If my hunch is correct, the UK laws may actually work the same as they do in the US. Marriage is a legal contract with explicit and implied conditions. Divorce laws in the US pretty much work along that premise. A contract is binding as long as both parties abide by the conditions of the contract. If one of the parties breaks the rules, he/she can be sued by the other party for breach of contract and for damages.

Prove that he's unfaithful and you don't even have to add all the emotional/mental abuse, except perhaps for good measure.

Throw him out of your life...he's earned it.

Get help for yourself too. Google Al-Anon U.K. I have though put the link too it at the bottom of my post.

It is a fellowship of support for someone who has a person in there life who has a drink problem. It supports the families of as your around like minded people. It affects everyone.

I attend Al-Anon. Whilst the ex is 17 years out of my life his behaviour still has an affect on my mental health. That is called the aftermath plus through my daughter still has contact out of my 4 with him. Whilst he is abroad the chaos of his life can still impact through her.

It's worth you looking it up. Get the legal help too as that is what you can practical too. Al anon will help you with the emotional side

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

You don't need to prove adultery or anything else in the UK. Just live apart for two years and say the marriage has irretrievably broken down. It's much more simple thank goodness.

He will not get better, Deni. He will simply drag you further and further down until you can't stand it anymore and find, like me, that your options are escape or suicide. Please don't wait that long.

Please, please, please contact Al-Anon. So much good advice here. You sound desperate so please don't delay. 53 is young, don't waste anymore time!

I left a controlling abusive man when I as 60. I'd been married a lot longer then you. I've never been happier now I'm divorced and can do as I please. There's a lot of life out there for you to enjoy- without this man! Get good legal advice but LEAVE for your own sanity . It was only after I finally left that I realised just how bad my life was before. Good luck and let us know what happens. There is a lot of support on here

Several people have mentioned Citizens Advice. In some areas they only help people on very low incomes so you are probably not eligible for their help. A lot of solicitors are not helpful in situations of abuse. Woman's Aid should hopefully be able to give you details of a local solicitor experienced in this.
Regarding your house, as he also has a house, this will be part of the marital assets. you can start divorce proceedings while he is still living in your house, a 50/50 asset split would mean you keep your house and he keeps his. He would have to leave when the divorce is finalised. You would of course need legal advice re the Trust.
Have you discussed this with your daughter. If she knows you are considering divorce but her and her family being with you are hindering this, she may be happy to look for somewhere else to live, as you said she does not like your DH.

Hello Deni, you have had over 20 replies to your post. No one has said "keep on doing what you are doing". Because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
This man will not change until he hits bottom and makes a huge turnaround. So you have to be the one to make the changes for a better life for YOU. You deserve better.
Follow the advice you have received. Go to your doctor, try CAB, or bite the bullet and get an appointment with a solicitor. Let your daughter know what you are considering. And do it sooner than later, you have a life to live, and it doesn't have to be making an abuser happy. (Ps he's not even happy, and won't be until he gets sober and healthy - not your responsibility). Good Luck.

I was in a similar relationship, though not married, thank goodness. I realised I was being treated badly, because I allowed it to happen. once I saw the light of day I changed the locks and got rid of him. I suggest you do the same. Best thing I ever did. Good luck.

Deni,..you know deep down in your own mind that what's been going on is WRONG. an abuser has no control once he is exposed, so expose him. you owe it to yourself to be rid of this monster/control freak/jeckyll & hyde character. DO IT, get rid of him, see a solicitor without delay and set yourself free.
We are all behind you.

I'm going to be harsh here. Look in the mirror and ask yourself "what the hell am I doing" my mother In law did it and then divorced him and never looked back. Your a long time dead don't waste it

Deni1963 - I wonder if you would be able to obtain an occupation order? I think you really need to take legal advice, but have a look at this link

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-occupation

You are suffering domestic abuse - it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse.

Google "The Freedom Programme".
Hope it helps.
x

What Ilovecheese says.

Unlock the "office" by whatever means necessary and remove the contents. Put his belongings in black bags - call him a cab. Have the denture - do it now! Stop doing what HE wants. It's your house - if he doesn't like the conditions he can leave. He's a loser and you will be too unless you divest yourself of him now . . . don't carry on and regret it when you are too old to do anything about it.

Just imagine next Christmas. I was scared of my first Christmas but it was wonderful. No drunken man. No nastiness. No sulking. No sport on TV. It was heaven. Think of what a Christmas present that would be to yourself.

It is frightening to make the escape but once you've done it you find that freedom is amazing.

You've all been so incredibly kind - I have tears - people I don't know - thank.you - I'm going to get some legal advice - and will contact Al - non, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the support and responses.

It's important you don't feel alone at this time. Keep talking to us even if it's just to rant and rave. Believe me venting will help.

Well done Deni1963 that is the first step....take it step by step...move slowly closer to a better life....You can do it...

Am I the only one who suspects this man's business is something illegal? Locked doors and mobile never out of his sight? He is a bully and the situation will never change. Kind people on here have shared personal details of their lives to emphasise how imperative it is to get legal advice and start the separation process.

How are you Deni?