Support for Grans cut-out of AC&GC lives

It's snowing heavy here I remember the first year of being cut out of my precious GD&GS's lives, looking out the window at the snow coming down, I wanted so desperately to phone Laila, to tell her to look out the window It's snowing! Same thing when my dad died, both times it snowed just after Xmas.

I have two classes today, after which I intend to get my real Xmas tree on the way home, from the Xmas tree farm, looking at the snow now, I hope they will still be open, I have to get to my classes, snow or not, but it's really coming down heavy now & settling

Rhinestone, I'm sorry you and dh are so stressed out. I don't think you should "just show up" or confront the parents anywhere, however. That could just end up in a dreadful scene and possibly a restraining order - and so, more stress.

If there's any chance of reconciliation with ess and family, I wouldn't go to court either. If you lose, it will also kill any chance of reconciling. But if there's no chance, or if you wouldn't trust a reconciliation, then it might be worth the effort, just to see the gc or say you tried. But you would have to be prepared for ess and esdil to say some cruel things, maybe even untrue. Perhaps dh is afraid of that?

Or maybe he just thinks that, in the end, the parents have the right to make this decision? Whatever, you, obviously, can't force him. Please don't let ess cause tension in your marriage.

Rhinestone

When I went to mediation Celebgran the other party were 'invited' to attended, so as with all invitations they could decline, and they did decline. They didn't turn up for the court date either and lied, saying they didn't know the date, but I told the judge that s.i.l actually phoned the courts days before the hearing, asking if he needed to attend, the reply was that it would be in his best interest if he did, they didn't show. I knew this as I had also phoned the courts a few days before and they gave me this info. which was of course written in the court records.

How law has changed now yogagirl is that both parties are compelled to mediate before wasting courts time.

Our mediator didn't even charge us for all advice and letter to our daughter because she didn't respond that was v kind of her. (Mediator I mean)

Rhinestone i can relate to that but in uk if other party refuses to mediate you u can then make court application as they have refused mediation then solicitor said we would have advantage but still too stressful for us.

I felt like someone had jumped up and down on my heart after ripping it out when my only daughter I adored and still love cut us out so can totally understand

Thank you all for your replies. I guess I look at it this way. We are stressed now wondering if the older one thinks we don’t love him, or that maybe we moved, or forgotten us completely. We are stressedwhen we talk about it and every time we see their picture . IMO the worst that can happen is that they don’t show up and things stay the same. In my mind we would have tried and can pass that message on to the boys in a letter which they will be given when they are older.
Would it be better to just go through life feeling like we didn’t do everything we could? Should we just show up at school functions? Or wait outside both parents schools to confront them? Or wait for them to come home from work outside?
I think I’m insane from all this madness. Yes I have two other grandchildren I see and I’m greatful and thankful for that but we took care of the oldest for three years every week and it’s like , as you all know, someone ripped out a piece of my heart. I’m sorry to go on and on... just having a bad week I guess

Yogagirl we didn't have to pay for mediation as xxx didn't tske it up but if we have attended it was not going to be expensive, you were very unlucky.

No idea about America however.

It only became law for mediation 2 years ago remember we attempted it last year?

Yes you have to apply for leave to apply grandparents still don't have automatic rights but they are looked on more favourably now.

I know people who have won access and those who gave up because of stress it must always be considered that it will be damaging either way.

Rhinestone hope you slept better.

The mediation is very, very expensive and you have to pay for theirs too

Thank you Missadveture Xxx

Rhinestone Before you can go to court, it is a stipulation that you first use mediation, this I did, and it was wonderful for me, the councillor was so lovely. After your visit, the other side, i.e. estD, is invited & after that both estD&s.i.l, but they didn't take up the invitation, so that was that. The case is than forwarded to the courts, I wish I had stopped there, but you get caught up in the cog & before you know it....

Rhinestone Glad to hear our posts help with your insomnia I went through the family court to get a visitation order. Went 3 times, first they didn't show, second they did show but contested, third; I was not given the permission to go to court to get the visitation order. You have to apply to the courts first, to get permission to go to court for visitation, as grandparents have no rights. If you were a parent you go straight to the court, without the preliminary hearings. Complicated

Rhinestone it's understandable estrangement can cause bickering we used to have enormous upsets but thank god we don't know. When it was fresh and raw it hurt a lot and we look for someone to blame those closest to us are in firing line, I wanted go court dh didn't he couldn't believe our daughter would stop us seeing little ones.
However I don't think we could stood stress of court and lose our dear daughter anyway.

Managed to write little ones cards without crying we both put message in then photograph for xxxxxxxx blog.

Miss adventure thanks that's very kind of you to think of us all.

Smilless bet youngetting excited??

Just finished all my cards, I write dh addresses did half before food shop half after.

Time chill out now managed ?Or two while writing cards !

Happy weekend all and ?For all of us missing our grandkids and this time of year.

Thanks Starlady, you're very kind.

That's a lovely post MissAdventure and much appreciated.

It's so hard isn't it Rhinestone. Try not to see it as your DH simply quitting and giving up, but as his way cope with the heart break; perhaps this is the only way he can.

It was like that for us, we had too because the alternative was gradually ruining our lives. I'm so sorry that your ESS appears to be in a bad way. It's heart breaking to know there's nothing you can do because they're no longer prepared to even communicate with you any more.

Hello ladies. Just popping in to wish you all well, as I know its a difficult time of year. This is such a supportive thread, you all do so well, given your circumstances.

MaddyWould your daughter go to a counselor with you and your DH? Could you say something to her like.” We want to get our differences resolved to allow you to be who you are and us the same.” “ Would you consider us all going to someone neural to do this?” She can only say no. I’m going to try and say that to my ES.

Hi Everyone- Not sleeping again so I have tried reading your posts but haven’t gotten through them all yet.
Had a lunch with my friend who teaches with my ESS. She cannot even look at him now . She says he’s always complaining of being sick, and always the one having to take off when his boys are ill. She says he smells like pot after returning to school from lunch where he goes home as he lives near the school. She is going to say something to him when she retires in six months. I told her she doesn’t have to get involved but she says she sees the hurt in my voice when I talk about the estrangement and would feel better saying something to him. So be it.
Yogagirlwhen you asked for visitation through whatever agency you went through what happened?
I find that this estrangement is causing bickering between my husband and myself. I feel he is not doing everything he can before quitting and giving up. It breaks my heart to see him not care about the holidays anymore. The boys Xmas card was online and my d d saw it and forwarded it to us. Heartbreaking. I think if we didn’t know the older boy it would be a touch easier on us as it is with the second boy who we saw only three times before being cut off.
Not only is this all so stressful but what’s happening politically is driving many of us mad and worried about the future. It’s daily and constant as so many things are going to effect my family.
I’m feeling better physically this week but I have made the decision with my therapists help to send my ES a birthday card. I will not send my ESS one as that will be up to my DH.

Smileless, you're right about "emotive" topics being even more likely to set off strong emotions in this season. Sad but true, imo.

In the midst of the arguing, I realize I missed your post about "going over" the past. Now Iv read it and found it very moving.

This is not the only time Iv been touched by one of your posts. Imo, you have a beautiful way of expressing yourself.

Hi Maddy hope you enjoy your day out with your friend, she is estranged as well You didn't open up our wounds Maddy no worries there, it's good you post on here and good you get some solace with us. Good email well done & fingers crossed Xxx

Oh maddyone not sure what I have missed I know u asked to say was all.your fault? Just please IMO don't walk away if there is any hope speaking as being estranged for so long.

Good idea give yourself breather

I had horrible response from xxx godmother in my attempts to out things right all I need at moment so that's me all.over I never see this nastiness coning I thing u said Maddy one how unfeeling she was

I went to Xmas party but wasn't really in mood and am way youngest but good friend runs club
The horrid text arrived early n evening. Guess am in shock
Have allowed myself Valium this morning
Its the nasty text and refusal to talk that hurts most
Soarkkygran keep busy I got physio today was v good last week

Yogagirl may been different we never went to school and yes is intimidating but we formally complained so they had send trouble shooter and finally as said our nnp sorted it

Sad news & good news from you Smileless I now buy only one card for my precious GC, as have no address to send to, so just one for their memory sack. I will have to steel myself to walk into the card shop to buy, as you get other grandmothers looking over your shoulder saying oh, isn't lovely buying for GC, how old are yours? with that you just want to run I will buy there's separately to when I buy for the rest of my family

Well then Celebgran I shouldn't have signed those papers, as I did nothing wrong either, I didn't know one could refuse , with two police men sitting in my living room saying sign it, that's what I did. The police were very sympathetic though, and didn't believe the story that I had tried to kidnap my GD But I had to sign saying I had been in the near area of my GD's school.

Can't Suebeck My ND says to me [&I to her occasionally], we must stop talking about them I reply that that will never happen, we don't talk anything like the amount we used to in the beginning, and actually phone each other up and congratulate each other, when we realise we have got through a whole visit without mentioning the 'E' word

Excellent idea maddy, I can understand Mr. M.'s point of view but think you've done the right thing.

We have made a small decision today, we emailed (a nice email) but saying with us all being so busy now with Christmas so near, that we would like to 'sort things out' after Christmas. Hopefully it will give us a breathing space. I just couldn't tell her I'm walking away just before Christmas (Mr M would have done!) "

Good idea, imo, Maddy! (I understand about not saying "walking away" just before Christmas).

Ah thank you for thinking of me today celeb and thank you everyone on here for your caring support, you really have no idea it helps me. You see, for me this is happening now, it's live right now. So I'm really teaching out to you all because it helps me. Your experiences all help me to see what we might do, but I'm so very sorry if my current experience opens up old wounds for you. I didn't want that, you've all been so kind with your support.

We have made a small decision today, we emailed (a nice email) but saying with us all being so busy now with Christmas so near, that we would like to 'sort things out' after Christmas. Hopefully it will give us a breathing space. I just couldn't tell her I'm walking away just before Christmas (Mr M would have done!)

Anyway, trying to be more positive, we had a nice meal out with friends tonight, tomorrow I'm going to London for a couple of days with a dear friend (totally coincidentally she is estranged from her daughter) and then I've got a few catch ups with other friends and Christmas events next week. I hope you're all busy too.

Another big thank you for your kind support for you all.

celebgran thank you xx Starlady thank you.

I am keeping busy with doing stuff that keeps my mind off missing my estDS DGC and estDiL at Christmas..stuff for other rellies and friends..

A nice walk maybe tomorrow with a lady who has moved to our village and doing a deep sort out at home.....