Hello. I would really, really appreciate some honest comments. I met my husband when I was 20. He is 15 years older than I am with a son. We married and had two children of our own. The marriage has always felt a little 'us against the world' in some respects. I used to be quite shy and he is not sociable at all. He will openly state to me that he doesn't need friends and over the years I have found it very hard to maintain friendships - partly i think because i am quiet but as I get older I realise that my confidence had a lot to do with it. It is also very difficult to meet friends at home when your husband is not at all welcoming. I have had friends ask me 'whats wrong with your husband / have I offended him - and I constantly say 'oh no, he's just tired or actually not very sociable. The thing is - he is a big man and to anyone at all sensitive to atmospheres - me included - he is adept at making a dreadful one. It's like a vacuum. We never got invited anywhere - in fact i think in the 20 years we have been together i have only met 3 of his friends and they were from college years ago and we have never really done anything with other couples. This meant we became quite insular and were very close. I do have very fond memories of being totally in love. I didn't feel i needed anyone but him and if sometimes i questioned things - id remember feeling unloved and worry about being alone
I felt grateful that someone wanted me so much - ive always felt a failure and i am very self conscious even now really. When I had children things got a easier in some respects as i met new friends and realised i was quite a good mum so my confidence grew a little.
Some things became harder - our couply party lifestyle stopped (my husband has alwasy drank heavily- and i did to of an evening -we were alwasy at the pub or drining at home - never in the day but absolutly at night) I did not drink when pregnant and then breastfeeding - he wld easily drink a bottle of wine a night. Because he worked he didnt help with night feeds or housework and actually even when i did go back to work that side of things was down to me. I had bad post natal depression and was medicated for a while. Looking back there are a million things he cld have done to help - but I accepted things as i really wanted to be a good wife. Not being a martyr but he went back to university at 46 and i would stay up with my daughter in a sling at night so that i could personally serve his dinner to him. I actually felt proud that i was doing this - but actually i think maybe i was a bit over the top! A meal, covered in the fridge would have done.
We ended up separating when he went back to university. I had wanted to go back and we both got places - but we couldnt both take them really. I had two jobs and got exhausted (he said he was too busy with his course to work) and i couldnt keep up with the bills. It was awful. We got into a situation where our mortgage on interest only, was over £900 for a little house...im not proud of it at all but i ended up meeting someone at work. We did have a relationship - not fully physical but it did open my eyes. I'm not sure I had been so attracted to someone before. That ended and my husband and I both met someone else. However after almost a year apart we re kindled things and decided with counselling to make a go of it.
So much happens doesn't it over a marriage - i dont think maybe its designed to be easy. We have never had a lot of family support but my family have always found my husbands 'awkward' At heart he is actually a very kind person but he fronts as someone who is quite rude / wont make eye contact and changes of routine can be very difficult for him. He isnt particulary thoughtful sometimes and cant read between the lines in lots of situations - he struggles to multi task It wouldn't suprise me if he has Aspergers. (I work with children who do and he ticks lots of boxes)
A bone of huge contention with my family is that he hasn't picked up 'extra' work. His earning power is better than mine as in his hourly rate. I pick up care work, cleaning etc etc and have done for years as i am anxious abut paying the bills and quite often have several jobs on the go. He is quite a slow methodical plodding person so i feel i have to whizz about to get things done - this makes things a bit chaotic sometimes as i get in a mess. childcare etc is never simple.
A few years ago we moved a long way from the majority of family - several hundred miles. It was the right thing to do and location is brilliant. Children are happy at school and are developing into lovely little people We were in a LOT of debt. I always thought that you had to be frankly quite silly to let yourself get to that stage. Partly we were! partly some awful advice from the bank and partly we had stupid amounts of hope that we would just 'pull ourselves out of it' We didn't and the interest rates were so high that we worked out we had paid back what we borrowed several times over - the debt management company (who were wonderful) advised us that we would still be paying this back when my husband is in his 80's! It was excrutiating as it felt dishonest but i arranged for us to go bankrupt. It still feels awful and we arent scott free - we still pay over £100 a month to them to help pay the debt. We will do this for three years. I accept this and im grateful that our monthly outgoings are better because of this.
A few months ago things just felt too much. We have to be very careful with money (which is only right) so no massive days out or meals, no holidays out etc etc. We keep things very simple and I am ok with that. What i am not ok with is that i feel its always down to me to take control nowadays. I asked his parents if he could stay with them for a few weeks just to give us some space. I explained that there were no big rows and certainly no one else involved (that's true) They agreed. The next morning before i cld speak to him about this - my husband got rushed to hospital in an ambulance and had emergency surgery. He was off work for almost 3 months and was really poorly. Poor man! It was of course, not ok to spring separation on him at this point.
Since his operation and subsuquent letter from his consultant - he hasn't touched alcohol. I am very proud of him. He has lost weight and is a lot more 'zippy' It must be hard for him in his 50's to have two young kids and to be working hard. I appreciate that.
Our sex life has been rubbish for years because of me and it has got to the stage that although i feel care towards him (he is the father of my children and i have been with his for almost 20 years) but I don't want to have sex with him unless I have drunk alcohol. I feel guilty about this so just go through with is as he gets uppety without sex. Probably only once a week. Because he no longer drinks i am trying to support him as actually i was drinking far too much too! So without booze i have no sex drive towards him. On the occassion i have some wine or like last night - one beer, Id never dream of trying to snuggle up to him smelling of alcohol. It makes me feel dreadful that I dont feel attraction. He often whistles me and is always trying to stroke me and is quite sweet with me. Whats wrong with me? I cringe sometimes as i dont feel that way towards him.
I think a huge turning point was that I had a cancer scare in feb - lumps under my arm and i had a mammogram and biopsy. It was clear but the infection that it turned out to be has really taken it out of me. I work every day in the week - just in school hours so that i can be there for the children at pick up and drop off. I've now picked up cleaning on a saturday for about 6 hrs. I still only bring in abut £800 a month which makes me feel ashamed...I feel that at 38 i have no security at all - no savings and frankly i am fed up lurching from one financial mess to another. I try and keep calm and laugh at lifes situations - my children and their security is the priority....but it has got to the stage where i feel so boxed in that I have lost my smiles and i was quite upset to see some pictures of my face compared to a few years ago - i just look haggered, exhausted and old at 38! What can I do to make things better? ANy suggestions would just be wonderful many thanks xx
I am not a nasty person but ……