Parent of AC facing prison

I have not experienced this myself, but have worked with families in this situation, and supported a family member as well. Here is my 'take it or leave it' advice:

Don't think too much about the emotional side yet - concentrate on practical support for GCs (and DiL?)

Find someone - a very good friend, a support organisation - to talk to when you really need to.

Be as truthful as you can ( as a previous poster said) to friends / neighbours etc. A useful phrase is 'I don't know what I think / feel now. I know I have to be helpful to GCs / DiL'

Be truthful to GCs as far as is practical - Victim Support can be helpful, and so can school (you don't say their ages) who will have dealt with this before. A useful phrase, that kids are used to is 'making bad choices': we are very sad that daddy made some very bad choices, and we must all support each other now.

You can be strong for GCs whilst letting them know you are upset.

You don't say what he has done. You will worry that it is your fault, and as I don't know you, I can't say what you might or might not have done! BUT I will only say that I have known adults, from good supportive homes, who for many reasons made 'bad choices'.

I do hope that helps

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in and hope you can find a solution.
I would always support the family but I am not sure I could support a serious offender.

Thank you to each and every one of you. I am struggling but to come here and read your kind words and your support do make a difference. Love to you all ❤️

Abbeygran, sorry you are in this awful situation. Agree with majority of posters, know there is one thing for me that I couldn't handle, but the saying "hate the sin, but love the sinner " holds true. I hope you contact that organisation mentioned for support, because they will know just what you are experiencing. Remember, everything passes, you will come through this. Look after yourself as well as him.

Abbeygran Sorry to hear this very stressful situation but stuff like this happens in many families. You are not by any means the only person with family members who have got themselves into trouble.

We really cannot be responsible for our adult childen. I do hope you find support as suggested above.

Thinking of you Abbeygran. Try and travel hopefully. Things will get better. xx

This is a dreadful thing that has happened; such a huge shock will naturally take time for you to come to terms with it so don't try to make sense of it at present; just live day to day. All you can do at the moment is try to create a centre of stability for your grandchildren, and your daughter in law if this is applicable.
Contact your friends by text or email, thanking them for their support and saying truthfully that you are quite unable to talk to people at present. At least the news is out so you don't have to tell people, and you will be surprised by how kind most people are.
A similar thing happened to a friend recently, involving her son-in-law, of whom she was very fond. The police were kind and offered practical help, social services less so. The family went to ground initially, but later she bravely visited friends to explain personally what had happened, thus diffusing unpleasant speculation,as the court case was not publicised. She was completely truthful at all times, not excusing his behaviour, but supporting him as far as she was able, and played a huge part in helping with the grandchildren. Two years later the family is emerging into a different, but more settled life. The son-in law is back in work following his prison sentence.
Also, have you seen your doctor? They can offer short term practical medication and contacts for support; you need to look after your health.

Abbeygran there is hope because your son obviously knows what he’s done and has admitted to it and is expecting to take the punishment ....to me that speaks volumes he is not trying to pass the blame to someone else he’s not making excuses and that must give hope that he’s not a bad persons just a person who has done a bad thing
I m not religious but doesn’t the bible teach about loving sinners
Your son is still your own boy if it was my son I would be mortified, ashamed, hate what he’d done, but it wouldn’t make me stop loving him with all my heart
I think you are very brave to come on here and speak as you have I hope totally that you find a way of dealing with this that will give you some peace of mind

Abbeygran, no practical advice here, and I'm not even sure which camp I'd fall into when it comes to supporting a child no matter what they'd done. But I do have friends in your position, and support them unconditionally, as we on Gransnet will support you.

Abbeygran, I agree with those who say they would support their children unconditionally. You can never imagine what it is like until it happens to you. I'm glad so many people have been supportive of you on this thread.
Imperfect's post offers sound advice.
Please be kind to yourself.

Imperfect27. Thank you for your words, you are exactly right. I do not like this one little bit, I am from a law abiding family - not even a parking ticket.....but he is still my son and always will be.

Starlady he has admitted his guilt to the police. We just have to await the course of the justice system, which even tho he has admitted guilt, will continue until fully investigated. Thank you for your kind words.

Abbeygran I am so sorry - you must be feeling shock and grief and everything in-between.

I agree with Bluebelle - parental love is unconditional. It is not the same as 'like' and you can, when the time is right, express that you dislike what he did. So sad, but if the justice system takes its course and he does prison time, then the emphasis will change from sentence and punishment to rehabilitation over time and you could be key to helping him and his family with both current loss and later re-acclimatisation.

All that said, there is no 'right' or 'wrong', you just have to find your way for you through this and I hope you are offered the right help and support to find a pathway that helps you to process the complex feelings that must arise from this and also know how to support yourself and his family where approrpiate.

I could not imagine walking away if it were me and I get the impression you are deeply committed to the long haul, but bearing the cost of staying involved will only be apparent over time.

It may be that on top of all the other 'layers' that your AC is having to come to terms with, are guilt and shame for letting you down that might be very hidden / hard to express, or come out 'wrongly' at present. You could compound those feelings or relieve them to some extent by your responses and any support you feel able to give.

So hard for you. I am glad you can draw some support from posting here.

I don’t agree with mcem who says depending on what your son has done whether you support him or not, I think you support your son whatever he’s done that doesn’t mean you agree with what he’s done but he’s your son for ever
Imagine you are in this situation Mcem and your child has committed a dreadful crime could you really turn your back on them, surely love of your child transcends all however bad

My heart aches for you, Abbeygran. How deeply painful this must be for you and the gc.

Are you sure ds (dear son) is guilty though? You sound as if you are, but what does he say?

Do you have a dh (dear husband) sharing this burden with you?

Do the gc have a mum? How is she handling all this?

As for you, I agree with mcem - sort of. There are a few offenses that would make me walk away from my ac, but only a very few, and it would depend on the circumstances and whether or not I believed they were guilty.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, Abbeygran.

Thanks for asking what AC meant , bluebelle I was confused as well.

Abbygran, I'm sorry you're in this awful situation, it must be absolutely life changing for you, and altered your whole vision of the future .. as you perceived it might be..

Tend to agree with mcem, would depend quite how serious the crime and type of injury,if any, to others have been incurred. Its a hard decision to have to make. Only you can make it as you know what has happened.
a very hard situation for you as mum. Sending good wishes.

Sorry but a lot depends on the nature of the offence.
In some cases l 'd say stick with it and be the supportive mum.
In a different scenario, if the behaviour is unspeakably awful I 'd walk away from him but be there for the family.

Cornergran - yes, some good advice. We're all in turmoil, devastated, but trying to stay calm for the GC. They've never been apart so it's particularly hard for them. This is the first time I've been able to try and verbalise what has happened in over a week, to anyone but immediate family. Another problem, lots of calls and messages from well meaning friends which I've managed to dodge so far. Thank you to all of you G'Netters, you're all lifesavers xx

Whatever he did ,you're his mum,so be there for him.We all make mistakes some worse than others and we all deserve a second chance .Try to seperate what he did from who he is ,he'll have had his reasons and however wrong they were they shouldn't mean he loses his family as well as his freedom.Try to be brave when you see him and let him know you'll be there when his sentence is over .I wish you all the best outcome from his court case and hope he learns from his mistake

Good advice here, abbeygran. If you can step aside from the (alleged) actions and see the person you will be able to offer support and love. I'm a little worried that your son might turn against you, sometimes that happens, think a cornered animal, if he does remember this isn't about you. He will be angry with himself. I'm sorry you have this worry, please keep talking here if it helps but do remember this is a public forum and don't give too many details, everyone will understand why. Sending you hugs.

Thank you grannyknot I did look in the acronyms but it didn’t give AC I was wondering if it was adopted child So confusing

Hopefully you will be able to visit him in prison and write to him, that means a lot to anyone in that situation.
Being a Mother is often a hard thing to be, we worry about our AC all the time.?

You must tell him that you love him but just now you don't like him for what he has done.
He will need your love and your support. I just hope he appreciates what you are doing.
Good luck to you both.